giving away our power

The hosts discuss the concept of giving away our power and how it affects our mental and emotional well-being. They give examples such as letting the weather or other people's opinions control our mood. They emphasize the importance of taking ownership of our own happiness and not blaming outside circumstances. They also mention the potential overdiagnosis of depression and the need to exercise our ability to change our mindset. How often do you find yourself blaming others for your circumstances, for the state of your well-being and happiness? Do you use language like, they make me so mad, I guess today it's going to suck because it's raining? Are you holding on to something that happened to you or that somebody else has done to you? And how is that affecting your mental and emotional well-being? These are a few of the topics that we discuss in this episode. If you're ready to find out some tools to lay down some grudges and take back the power that you've been giving to others, to find greater peace and joy, we'd love to welcome you to this week's episode of You Already Are. I'd like to make a note that we're not here to judge anyone with their mental health or tell anyone that they're wrong for seeking medical intervention. It's actually the opposite. We want to support those who may be suffering from mental illness and do what we can to love and comfort those who need help. We give advice based on what has worked for us, but we are in no way doctors, nor are we ever trying to say that what you feel as far as depression goes is not real. We do not want to make anyone feel judged or feel worse about themselves because of what we say. And we do want to reach out. If you or someone you know is struggling with depressive thoughts or suicidal thoughts, please reach out for help. The suicide hotline is posted in the description. Know you're not alone. Know that you are worthwhile, that you have a divine purpose. And that is what this podcast is all about. Please enjoy this episode. Oh, and welcome to another episode of You Already Are. I'm your host, Alyssa Carlson, and this is my co-host. Michael Gardner. Hello. Hello. It's just us today, but we're excited. We've got an awesome topic to talk about today. Michael, do you want to introduce our topic today? Sure. We give away our power, something, to put it succinctly, we can oftentimes live our lives for everybody else or based on what they see, what they say to us, etc. Or we can also do it with circumstances. So one of the ways we give away our power, what does it mean to give away our power? We make our mood, our feelings, our emotions based on something outside of ourselves. So the weather, for example. When I lived in Southern California, we'd get maybe three rainy days a year. I mean, that's a little exaggeration. But when it would rain, I would work with people and they would say, oh, it's a miserable day. And why was it a miserable day? Because it wasn't sunny. But that's a form of giving away our power. I'm going to be miserable today because it's raining. Well, I have no control over raining. So in other words, for my mood to change, the weather must change. And I don't have any control over that. So that's an example of giving away our power. But in today's environment, that's still part of it. But it seems like we're in a society that is more and more offended. And anytime we choose to be offended, it is giving away our power. Somebody said this. Somebody said this. And when we get offended, we get angry or we get sad or whatever. So for that to change, they have to change or they have to apologize or they have to change their point of view. And the problem with that is we have no control over that. They're going to do what they're going to do. But it becomes, why am I offended? And I'll give an example. When I was growing up, I had friends. They were friends, but one in particular would tell me I'm ugly. And I went all through high school without dating. And part of that was because I started to believe it. And when he would say I was ugly, I would say, stop it. But the problem was not him. He could say that all he wants, but the problem was I was believing it. And so that manifested. If I did ask a girl out for a date, I would go to her with the energy of I'm not good enough. I'm ugly. There's something wrong with me. And I never dated in high school because I never made that step because it was too scary. It's like, why would anybody want to go out with me? I'm ugly. I'm not good enough. Girls don't like me. So I didn't think of myself as being offended by that. It just hurt my feelings. But later on I realized he doesn't have the power to hurt my feelings. What he had the power to do was say something that triggered something in me that I believed. So that's an example of giving away our power. And the only way it's going to change in that kind of scenario is for people around me to say something different. But even then, I may not believe it. Or if somebody has a different political opinion, look at our world in politics. I read something the other day on social media where there was somebody that it was their birthday, and somebody said, well, this guy supports this guy for president. I've lost all respect for him. It's like, that has nothing to do with respect. But just because people have different opinions than us, we get mad or sad or whatever. And that's giving away our power. Somebody else's opinion, if it affects my mood, then I'm giving them control over me and how I feel. And so for my mood to change, they've got to change their political opinion, which they're not going to do. So that's another example of giving away our power. I could think of a lot of examples, but start there. Yeah, there's a quote that is a famous quote by Eleanor Roosevelt. It says, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. But that's really what I think you're trying to say is that when we get offended and we say, well, like you gave an example of the weather, oh, it just is a crappy day outside, so now it's a crappy day for me. And so we are basically giving our power, our ability to be who we are and to be happy and find joy in life to our outside circumstances. Well, I don't have the money to do those things, and therefore I'm unhappy. I don't look like that person, therefore I'm unhappy. I'm giving power to things that are outside of my control. I don't know why, but that weather one is really sticking with me. When I was growing up, I always heard seasonal depression is a thing, and I always believed that I had seasonal depression, that I would always get sad when I didn't see the sun for a certain amount of time. And granted, sunshine, vitamin D is real, so it does help in creating balances in your body to help you feel better. But I was giving power to the weather. I can't change the weather. I can't tell the sun to come out when it's a rainy day or a cloudy day. I also can't decide when it's going to be hot or cold. And I hated the cold for a really, really long time, like my whole life up until just the past few months, maybe like since Christmas time this year. But yeah, I would hate the snow and the cold. Just deep in my belly, I hated it, and I would be really unhappy whenever it was cold. But then I realized that there is goodness in each season, and there is goodness in each type of weather. I mean, our Earth needs these things, like the rain cycle and snow. Imagine when Utah really struggles with drought, it's often because there wasn't enough snow this year. And then everybody complains about that, and it's just like, what do you want? You're unhappy, and you have the choice to be happy. And so when I grew up thinking I had seasonal depression, I think what the reality was was that I was allowing the seasons and the fact that the sun wasn't around and that it was colder to affect my choices, including my choice to not go outside, because everybody knows that outside is healthy for you. It lifts your mood. It makes you feel good. So, of course, if it's cold and you're stuck inside and you don't go outside, you're not going to feel very good. But it was one of those things that, like, it was an outside circumstance that I was allowing to decide how I felt in, like, an extended period of time. And I've had conversations with other people where, you know, they're just like, oh, it's rainy today. That's probably why I don't feel good, you know, and, like, all this stuff. And I'm just like, well, the sun needs a break sometimes, you know. Like, it's just a cycle of life. The sun's still doing what it does. Yeah, but the earth needs a break. I know. The earth needs a break from the sun, you know. But I was just trying to be funny. But it was just more of like, you know, you can have a good attitude about what's going on around you, and you can have a bad attitude about what's going on around you. And you're not always going to have a good attitude about it, but at least recognize that when you're not having a good attitude, it's on you and not on other things, you know. Like, you've got to take ownership and responsibility of your state of being rather than blaming it on outside circumstances. And I think, and this is a sensitive topic because I'm not a doctor, but seasonal depression and actual depression, I feel like a lot of times comes around because we don't exercise our ability to change our mindset. And sometimes we don't make those connections, and we don't understand them. And I know that I felt depression where my emotions have been dampened and all of those things, but I believe that there are things that we can do to get out of it. Now, there are some people that I know who have had clinical depression their whole life, and it's not necessarily a choice that they can make to get out of it. But sometimes I think that it's getting over-diagnosed for people who give up their power. So just a thought, food for thought. I feel like you had more to say as I was talking. Oh, I always have more to say, but no, you were fine. Yeah, you know, I'm not a medical doctor or anything either, and I believe it's a possibility that we quickly seek a pill to resolve a lot of things. You know, I'm sad, give me a pill. I can't sleep, give me a pill. I'm heavy, so give me a pill. You know, but I think as far as like weather, you know, if you're living in Utah, I used to live in Utah. I miss, actually, the snow. But when you're inside, a lot of times when we're depressed, we're making about outer circumstances. But really, my experience of that, it's a feeling that there's no hope or we're powerless. Okay, we may be powerless in the sense of the weather. It's not going to change just because we're sad. But I've found with people, especially that I've coached, if they engage in some kind of activity, they can find an activity where they feel like they're moving forward exercising. You can exercise in your home, even if you have no equipment. You can use chairs to do. I do knee dips or, you know, shoulder dips with chairs. I do inverted push-ups with chairs. I do have a few things in my home, but you can do something like that, and that will, again, I'm not a doctor, but I have read where that will release endorphins and dopamine. Just exercising where you will feel a little bit better about yourself. But most of the time, I feel like in situations like that is where we feel like we're powerless because we're trying to change something way outside of us. I mean, this is nature. And, you know, I believe energy can change things and all that. I'm a weird guy like that. But in the moment, what can I do for me? Maybe you sit down and you read a good book, a good book that's uplifting. Maybe it's on personal improvement or sometimes I'm writing topics, and this was a challenge by a friend of mine. When are you going to write your books? I'll sit down and I'll write, and all of a sudden I feel like inspiration flows. It doesn't matter what the weather is outside. So when you feel powerless engaging in something, even going out for a walk, it has some effect on you that you can feel better about things. And people say, well, what if it's cold? Well, people can walk in the cold. You just bundle up. What if it's raining? We have umbrellas. What if it's too hot? Take water. I mean, don't… Excuses. You can find every excuse in the book, right? Don't, you know, here we are in South Carolina in the middle of summer. It's 95 with 95% humidity. You know, I'm not going to go on a 10-mile run. I wouldn't do that anyway because I hate running. But, you know, you can do something to get your body moving, and when you get your body moving, you put energy in motion, and that's one of the ways you can kind of move out of that kind of a state. But what if it's somebody says something to you like, okay, you're going to go for an audition tonight. What if the director says you don't cut it? Then what? You know, that's where your mind is going to tell you all kinds of stories. And one of the things we do, well, he doesn't know what he's talking about, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. There's all kinds of meaning on what this guy says. Well, he's a director, and he has the power to determine whether you're in a play or not. But that doesn't mean you have to give away your power. How do you move past that? That's the thing for people to consider. What do you do if he says you're not good enough? And it's not about positive thinking or negative. It's just about what do you do inside of you with that so that instead of you giving your power away and you never auditioning again, because that's really what happens with a lot of people. They get rejected on something, and they never undertake it again. What would you do in that situation if he says you're not good enough? And it's a little town in Utah. And if a little guy, a little director in a little town in Utah says you're not good enough, well, I guess give up, right, and be angry or be sad or depressed or whatever and tell yourself that you don't have what it takes. But is that true? When we're offended in a situation like that, it hits on something that's already there. In other words, if he says you're not good enough and you take that as give up, and this is in any situation, you already believe that. You already believe that there's something in you that already believes I'm not good enough because otherwise you wouldn't give up. You'd just keep going and going and going. And one of the things I'm writing now is in life it's not me against them or me against the world, it's me against me. So just because we get a no, we can get offended. But realize that we only get offended when it hits something we already believe. And then the challenge is I can be a victim of that, and I can be offended by that, or I can look at that and say, okay, where do I go now? What do I get to do with that? So I hope you get the part. Don't get me wrong. But it's a valid possibility, and it has happened to me in the past. And I've gotten much better at accepting rejection because I'm able to center myself on more of who I am rather than what I do. And just because they don't think that I'm ready yet or I don't fit their bill or I don't cut it, whatever the reason is, it doesn't stop me from the desire that I have in my heart. And I have to keep in mind that, like, you know, this is just who I am today. You know, this is Alyssa on April 23rd in 2024. It's not Alyssa yesterday. It's not Alyssa tomorrow. It's me today, and this is a snapshot of who I am and what I've got. And if it doesn't cut what they're looking for, that doesn't reflect anything on my worth and my potential. It's like, well, I still have so many opportunities to grow, and just because I didn't get the part, like, that's not who I am. I am, you know, I'm going to get, you know, churchy here, but it's like I am a child of God. I am a creation of a divine being with divine purpose and potential, and this part is not going to take that away, and the director is not going to take away my potential and my worth. He may just say that I just don't fit, and that's okay, and that's something that I've had to get better at. Now, I'm saying that now, and then, you know, I'll talk to you next week and tell you how I feel. Well, we're learning, aren't we? I think that there is sometimes when it's something like when we talk a lot about our greater purpose and when we're going after, like, our big dreams and the things that we really desire, a lot of times we hit walls sometimes. When we're going after something we really want, we'll hit a wall, and it'll be like, do you give up? You know, it's that moment of, like, do you really want this? Do you give up, or are you going to push forward? I think when we hit the wall sometimes, you know, we can feel the emotions of, you know, sadness or frustration or anger because we're hitting this wall, we're getting a no, we're being told that it's not going to happen, and we can be sad about that, be frustrated about that, and accept those emotions in us because they are very natural emotions, and I think they're important emotions for us to go through. But after that, you get up off the floor and you push through it, and you do it again, or you try again, or you solve the problem a different way. But if it's something that you feel like that desire in your heart is leading you, you're going to get it at some point. And just not allowing those obstacles and those moments when it's hard to stop you from going after what you want. And so a lot of times when I've been rejected in the past, there have been times when I'm like, this probably isn't for me, I'm probably just not ever going to be good enough, and, you know, I probably should just stop. But that only lasts for, like, I don't know, a few days, and then it's like, I want to try again, you know. Or I'll focus my efforts on something else, and then another opportunity will come up, and I'm like, I should do that, you know, because it's in me, the desire's in me, it's not going to go away. And I have to sit with the emotions of feeling like I'm not enough or whatever it is and accept what happened as what it is, and it's okay to feel a certain way about that, but I'm not going to let that stop me and make or allow that to dictate the choices that I make going forward. So I think bringing it back to that power of I'm not going to give that experience my power and what I'm going to decide to do from here on out. It's like I've been rejected, not rejected, but I've been basically, I haven't gotten what I wanted several times. There's been many times. That's a more powerful way to say it than I was rejected. That's kind of a condemning type statement of yourself and the person, but yeah. Michael Jordan, I believe he was cut three times for his high school basketball team, and look what happened. But this is where we hit a crossroads. Years ago, I realized this, or for me, moments that I call you, you can either dig deeper and discover who you are, or you can quit. That's where you are. You're at a crossroads, and we can quit and say, oh, I couldn't do it. We make all kinds of excuses for it, or we can dig deeper to find out, first of all, is this what I really want, and do I trust myself that I have the ability to get there? And that is another little crossroads, because if you are, let's say, told no, and so you determine, well, I'm going to prove to that director that I am good enough, you could. You could go out and do something, but if you're doing it to prove to somebody else, that's just another form of giving away your power. It's really about what do I want to do? I mean, if you go out and audition, audition, audition, you feel you gave it everything you had, and you dig deeper, and you realize, okay, you know what? I don't have the energy to pursue this anymore, or something like that, and it's real for you, then you choose that because that is what is true for you in that moment. But if it's like, no, no, I can't give up because of all the work I've put into this, I can't stop, then you're giving away your power to something outside of you. It's not about, is this really where I want to go? It's about, okay, let me look at all the circumstances in that, and I spent all this money. Have you ever heard the phrase, throwing good money after bad? Well, I've invested all this money, so I've got to keep throwing money at this and keep losing money. I've gone this far, I've gone this far, I've gone this far, and I'm not getting there, so I want to either prove to somebody else something, or I can't quit because it's not quitting. I'm just taking a different path sometimes, and that's part of the challenge of this whole thing, is owning my power is not me being powerful over others. It's just owning my power to be true to me, not giving away my power based on something outside of myself, based on people, I'm going to prove to them that I'm good enough, and I have met many people that went out to prove something, and they actually accomplished it, but they said they felt empty still, and they didn't know why. I thought if I did this and proved to these people I could do it, then I'd feel fulfilled. But again, they were doing it for something outside of themselves. And then when they got there, a lot of times they find that people didn't care. I have an example of that. So I took a professional break for eight years where I wasn't working and I wasn't going to school. Maybe it was a little less than eight years. So I stopped working, and I wasn't going to school, and I thought to myself, I need to get a degree. I want to go back to school, and I want to get a bachelor's degree because in my mind I wasn't worth anything if I didn't have a bachelor's degree. I knew lots of mothers, and most of them had bachelor's degrees. They had some form of education, and I was like, the world doesn't think I'm worth anything if I don't have a bachelor's degree, and therefore I'm not worth anything unless I have a bachelor's degree. And so I worked really, really hard on my bachelor's degree, and it was something that I really wanted. And I remember one night, Remington was just like, or I was talking to a classmate, and he was telling me something like, yeah, it's just a piece of paper. It doesn't matter. Like, you know, it's just that nobody cares if you have a degree. I was like, felt really, like, offended because this was something that mattered so much to me because I felt like this is what made me worth something was getting this piece of paper. And Remington thought the same thing. You know, he's just like, yeah, it's just a piece of paper. Like, it doesn't really matter. It doesn't mean you can do anything. You know, it doesn't really show this or that. And I, like, literally I was so offended, and I cried. And I was like, this means so much to me, and this is something that I felt like, you know, it does matter. The world obviously thinks it matters because you can't get a job without a bachelor's degree, or at least a good, well-paying job. And so I was, like, really, really upset. And now I look back at that time, and I'm like, I was giving my power to everybody else. I was not doing that degree for myself. I was doing that degree so that I could have somebody tell me that I was worth something at that point. And then when I was told that I wasn't worth anything, even with my degree, I was floored. And I gave all of my worth and all of my power to other people because I didn't feel like I was enough just as I was without a piece of paper, without going to school. And that, I mean, that's my perspective of part of who I was until I learned a lot of this mindset stuff. And so that's just one of those ways that a lot of times, especially moms, I feel like we give our power away to so many things and so many people. Like, you know, oh, their house looks so much better than mine, so obviously I suck as a mom. And, oh, that person parents their children so much better than me, so I suck as a mom. And, well, I never went to school and so obviously I don't matter and I can't do anything other than be a mom. And that's all I am and that's all I'll ever be, type of thing. It's one of those, like, we give power to other people and other circumstances than our circumstances. Whereas if we internalize it and we understand that, like, we are all powerful, infinite, divine beings with a purpose, we can find that sense of peace and that ability to say, it's raining outside today, I feel great. Like, we don't have to say, it's raining outside. Oh, that sucks. We can say, it's raining outside. Maybe I'll go play with my friends. It's raining outside. Awesome. Like, I'm going to do my thing regardless if it's raining. I went through this transformation this winter where I went on a walk every day for, like, two months. Or, I went on two walks every day for, like, a month and a half. And I would do it early, early in the morning. Like, 530 to 6, anywhere between there, I would do it early in the morning. So, it was freezing cold. Like, yeah, St. George might be warm, but it was about the same temperature in St. George as it was in Salt Lake in, like, January and February. It was freezing at 530 in the morning. So, and I hate cold. I told you that. I grew up hating the cold. It just literally would just drive me crazy, just pit of my stomach, hate being cold. So, I would go outside. I'd put my jacket on. I'd put my beanie on. And I would just walk. And I would try to find something on my walk that I was grateful for. And I would spend time moving my body, breathing in the fresh air. And when I came back from my walk, I was always so happy and so grateful for all of the things that I have. And then I started being grateful for winter, which is, like, mind-blowing. I was like, I think I, you know, I think I could live somewhere that has snow, which is a big deal because I've always been, like, a sun seeker. But I finally appreciated the cold. So, that was, like, my experience with this weather that is an outside circumstance that I was able to appreciate it and choose to not be offended by the weather. It was like, okay, you know, I went walking in the rain a couple of times, and I really enjoyed it every time. And that was my purpose. It was like when I would go on those walks, the purpose was to find something I was grateful for and to look at my world as if I'd never seen it before, you know. So, what would be the alternative to not being offended? You know, say, I'm not going to be offended by that. So, what am I? You know, what would I be? It's about accepting. You know, people have different points of view. We accept that or we don't. We live in a country that is in the Constitution, free speech. But now there are those that want to kind of minimize that or put it in a box and say you can say this, but you can't say this because we don't accept people with different points of view. There are a lot of things going on in our world that back when I was your age, I never would have imagined. I mean, with transgenderism and other types of things. I mean, I'm going to tell you, when I was 30, that would have been, what, 1983. That whole idea would have seemed preposterous, but now it's here. So, we can get triggered by that one way or the other. You believe it. You don't believe it. You support it. You don't support it. But it's a matter of accepting that we don't all see the world in the same way. And so, when acceptance, then we can start to connect with people, even though we don't see the world the way they do. And we can start to, in that connection, come to basically agreement that, okay, you believe this, I believe this, and we don't have to go to war over it. Politics, especially today, is so contentious versus when I was younger. You know, if somebody has a different political opinion, we can get so fired up. And it does trigger me a little bit. But, see, that's because there's a part of me that has a fear, if that view prevails, what's going to happen to the world that I'm comfortable in? And vice versa. Other people, they get triggered by different political views. It's because there's a fear that if I don't accept their point of view or you don't accept their point of view, then it's going to be painful or it's going to be damaging or something. And, you know, if you believe you are a whatever, I mean, there's all kinds of different things now. I support your right to believe that. Do you support my right to believe what I believe? It's not about respect. At some point, it becomes where it's not about I want you to respect me. I want you to obey me because I'm afraid your point of view is going to hurt me. Well, and I think you could even take it like a microscopic view of, like, husband and wife. Like, you don't always agree with your wife. I don't always agree with my husband. I tell her I do. But it's one of those things that it's like you can sit there and get – I feel like this happens a lot to me. It's like a lot of times I want Remington to just not obey me but just, like, agree with me. Like, let me know that I'm right. I just want to be right. I want you to tell me that I'm right. And a lot of times, I mean, he doesn't do it very often. And it makes me really angry. Because I'm not willing to accept that he has another point of view and that it's okay that he has a different point of view. Like, I don't know if it was just something that I grew up with, this belief that a good marriage is a marriage where your spouse agrees with you on everything or that you guys agree on everything. And I just believe that when we don't agree on things, that there's something wrong and we need to fix it, you know. So that's something that I have to work past, but it's one of those things. It's like, yeah, we stop accepting another person's point of view and we start pushing our point of view on them. And that's one thing that really drives me crazy. There was a conversation that went on between Remington's family a few weeks ago that I, like, I put it on Do Not Disturb. I archived it because I was like, I don't want to be about this. I'm not about you forcing your beliefs on me, and I'm not going to force my beliefs on you. And so when a conversation turns that way, I just, like, go the other direction. I'm like, nope, we're not having this discussion. You are not open to me, and I'm not open to you in that way of, like, I don't need to have that forced on me. I can have my own opinion about that, and you can have your own opinion about that, and we can be respectful and have a loving conversation, a loving relationship. But when it starts to be you have to accept this and this and this and you have to be okay with this and this and this, it's like, nope, I'm done. Sorry. Like, I'm not just going to have somebody force their beliefs on me, and I'm not going to force my beliefs on you. I love the relationships that I have with people who are not of the same faith because we have a mutual respect for one another, and we can have deep conversations with each other where we're sharing our own beliefs even when they're different, and they're always so beautiful and peaceful, and it's like, I love how you see that, and I love the way that you view that, and then they can say the same thing to me. And I've had so many experiences of those types of conversations, and that's what I want, and that's what I feel like the world needs more of is just, like, I'm sharing the things that I've learned. You're sharing the things that you've learned, that you believe, and we respect each other. I'm not trying to force you to believe what I believe. I'm not trying to force you to agree with me. This is just what I believe, and that's what you believe, and we can be friends. Whoa, even if we disagree, we can be friends. Like, I'm married to a man who I disagree with occasionally. It turns out we're still friends, so that was a long-winded thing. Well, disagreement is just we have different beliefs, and truthfully, nobody can force their beliefs on you without your permission. So it's a matter of, to me, what is the energy of this conversation? Is it contentious, or is it sharing? So I like listening to other people's beliefs, but then when the energy shifts, and you can feel it, when it becomes heated, or I want to compel you, and if you don't, we're going to start name-calling, that's when I can withdraw and go, well, if you want to talk with me, that's great. If you want to talk at me, then come back another time when you're willing to talk with me, not at me. I've done that with my children, too. They get really mad at me sometimes, and I have one that gets pretty upset sometimes. And when he starts screaming, and it hasn't happened in a long time, actually, I'll say, well, call me back when you want to talk with me, not at me. And I just hang up. It's not, yeah, okay. And when he does call back, it's not, I'm going to hold a grudge and say, well, blah, blah, blah. I'm just like, let's just move on. And if he's in a space where he's willing to talk, great. If not, oh, call me back when you're willing to talk with me. People can do what they're going to do, and it's a matter of are we in reaction to them, which means we're giving away our power. We get angry. We get sad. We shut down, whatever. Or we just choose to handle it this way. And we give them an option. Hey, get you guys to believe that way. I love talking about this, but when I feel like it's now, if I don't see your way, I'm wrong, I'd rather not have that conversation, something like that. I'm not always that calm myself. Right. And honestly, but you mentioned this, like politics triggers you. You're not always calm when it comes to politics. There are a lot of times when certain things that people say get us in a way that we don't expect, that normally they blindside us. It's like we are sitting here talking about all this mindset stuff, and I'm like, I love all the stuff that I'm learning, but one thing will happen, and I'm totally blindsided, and I just like, I react. I respond. I get angry. I get frustrated. I get sad. I give my power away because I wasn't prepared to deal with what that said inside of me. Because that's often what it is. It's something inside of us that has an issue with what is happening. It happens a lot. Sure. But you step back. Why did I react? What nerve did they hit in me? And why did that trigger me to react that way? And so it's a learning opportunity. First, you know, you go through the reaction. I mean, you know, if we were all totally in our essence of being, none of this would be going on, and you and I wouldn't be talking about this because everybody's like, whatever, you guys, we already know this. But we are still in the human growth period. So when that does happen, it's a learning opportunity because, first of all, you probably don't like being triggered. I don't like being triggered, and I don't like giving my power away. So why did I react? What was the nerve that was hit? What do I believe? Was there a fear there that maybe they were right and I don't want to be wrong? You know, why am I reacting like this? Or is there a fear that if I do this or this, they won't like me or they won't love me? That's a big one that plays into people's minds. I've got to be a people pleaser because I want people to love me because I'm afraid they don't unless I do this or this or this. So, first of all, we go through it, and you said it earlier. We've got to go through the emotion, the anger, the sadness, whatever. You don't ignore it. Well, people do. And you don't analyze it. You're actually in the question from a place deep inside of you. What is it about me that I'm triggered by this? What's my belief? What's my fear? So if somebody says, I'm fat. And you take judgment out of it. Right. And you do it as, like, a curious observer of, like, why do I feel this way? That's interesting rather than, why do I feel this way? It's so dumb. Right. Oh, absolutely, yeah. Somebody says, I'm fat. Well, if I get triggered, it's because I believe I'm fat. You know, if I was 180 pounds and somebody said, you're fat, it's like, thank you for sharing. But I could do that at the weight I'm at. But if I get angry, it's like, well, technically, I'm obese. I'm a lot better than I was five years ago. But technically, you know, I'm obese. But if I get triggered, it's because I'm not okay with it. I just hit a nerve that's already in me, and I'm not okay with it. You know, somebody calls me ugly, and I get triggered. It's because I feel I'm ugly. And it hit that nerve in me. And then I get to go through, why do I feel I'm ugly or whatever. I don't feel that way anymore. My face is more wrinkled, though. So I don't know if ugly is even a factor in life anymore for me, this old. But it probably took some work to get over that. It does, yes. It's not like overnight, okay, just choose something different. You've got to work it. And, you know, at first, it's going to be like you get triggered, and you take days to, you know, oh, these people. And then, you know, the more you work it, the more you find that the less reactive time you spend on it, and the more time you come into grips and acceptance. You know, maybe in the world that we live in, I am ugly. Maybe. Or in the world we live in, I am fat. Now, if you go to Samoa, fat has a different connotation than it does here, from what I understand from some of my Samoan friends. A lot of them apparently think fat is healthy. When I lived in Mexico, you know, it was 150 pounds. And some of the people there said, I'm not healthy. I'm not fat. So it's relative, but it's how we take it, how we receive it, and what we do with it that determines where we go with it. But to give away, you know, if I was in Mexico, and it's like you've got to be fat, and I went and became fat, that would be giving away my power. I don't choose to be fat. I want to be healthier. So I try to eat a healthier diet. Fat leads to, well, I have diabetes. And that's a result of the way I did eat for many, many years. But there's so many little ways we give away our power, and I'm not saying we're going to cover it all. I'm not saying I've mastered it all. I'm not saying I even know what all the ways are, because there's a lot of ways. You know, looking for approval, looking for acceptance, looking for attention. You know, if I don't get the attention I want, I get angry or I throw a tantrum. If I don't get my way, all kinds of ways we seek for validation for others because there's something missing inside of us. You touched on one of them that was the people pleasing. I feel like a lot of times we talked a little bit about, like, where our center is a few episodes ago, and I brought up the seven habits of highly effective people and how he goes through all of the different centers that you could have. And something that I began to learn when I started going through therapy was that a lot of times I am, I don't know if it's outcome-centered, but basically all I care about are the things that I can do, the things that I'm capable of doing in one day. And I'm trying to remember what the therapist called it. It was like performance worth. Performance worth versus intrinsic worth. And I was only allowing myself to feel worth something if I was accomplishing something. And Remington was pretty like that as well. But that was me giving my power away to something that can't give me worth. You can't get or you don't gain worth. You don't do something to get worth. You just have it. You just are. You are, and therefore you have worth, right? And so that was like one of those things I was thinking of, like, we give our worth to our accomplishments. We give our power to our accomplishments. And then when we can't accomplish those things, then obviously we're a failure and all of that stuff. And then another one that you sent to me was holding a grudge and not being very forgiving. I feel like this is a big one. There was a conversation. I think the reason why I brought up the seven habits earlier is because there was a conversation in that book of a guy who had a business partner who betrayed him and took all of his money and sank his business and all that stuff. And he was so obsessed with this guy and what he had done to him that he had created his life to be centered around his enemy, this grudge. And he didn't realize how much power he had just given to this man. This man was controlling every action and thought and feeling that was a part of this other guy's life. And he finally realized it after he had a conversation with Stephen Covey. And he was just like, I've wasted so many years thinking about what this man did to me, whereas I could have been thinking about what I could do or who I could become. But he was giving all of his power away. And I feel like we don't realize how much holding a grudge takes power from us. When I hold a grudge from somebody who hurt me, who did something to me, I think about any previous boyfriends or wives or husbands, like previous people who have hurt us, who really crushed our souls. And we hold grudges against them. We say, oh, he was awful, he's the worst, he's evil. And we have a really hard time letting go of what happened to us. And we bring that into our future relationships. We bring that into our daily life. We get triggered when people say certain things, when people do certain things. And it throws us through a whole rollercoaster of emotions. It's one of those blindsided things. But a lot of times it's because we're holding a grudge. We're holding on to something that, like, I can't believe a person would do this to me. Instead of just accepting that, well, yeah, it happened. And I'm talking about really deep stuff, and I don't want anybody to feel like they're inadequate because they're not in a place where they can say they've let it go or that they can forgive. But knowing that the longer you hold on to that, the longer you hold on to those things that hurt you, the people that hurt you, and hold them accountable and hold that grudge against them, the longer it's going to hurt you and give your power away to them. The longer they are going to have a hold on you. And I say that because I know many women, and myself included, that have gone through some pretty traumatic experiences. And, you know, we hold grudges. And we get angry anytime anything brings up all of those emotions again, brings up the past, brings up what happened, brings up what we've experienced. And we have a hard time just accepting what is and letting go and just being like, I'm not going to let you have power over me anymore. I want to live my life for me, not for you, you know. And I say that because, I don't know, it's a big thing. Well, when we say we'll never forgive, it's because we want to punish that person. They don't even know it. You know, this man, I remember reading that. It's in the book Seven Habits, right? Yeah. And the guy that he was, quote, unquote, punishing didn't even know it. That guy had moved on. And it's the case for so many instances like that. The other person doesn't care. Right. So you think of unwillingness to forgive. We forgive for ourselves. We let it go. It's like when we hold a grudge. We're picking up a 10-gallon or a 10-pound bucket of manure. Because I'm going to show you what you did to me. And I want to show everybody. What's that bucket of manure? I want to show you, this is what so-and-so did to me. Do you see what so-and-so did to me? So I'm holding this to punish that person. But we're the one holding the bucket. And then if people don't quite get it, we take that bucket and put it on our head and say, see what he did to me or what she did to me. But who's got the manure? I do. So forgiveness is simply letting the bucket go. Learn the lesson and move on. Now I'm saying simply. I'm not saying it's easy. Because we've got to work through all the feelings that are going on in this. But really that's holding a grudge. I'm giving power to someone else. So what I'm doing is I'm taking away my power. But at least I can blame them for it. So if I go into a deep, deep, deep state of worthlessness, I can blame you for it. Yeah, I never achieved what I truly desired in my life, but it's your fault. Well, that's not really a big consolation. I'm punishing me for what somebody else did. Because as long as I hold that grudge, and you think about it in relationships, I don't know when you talk about other women. I have an idea of, let's say, women and some things that have happened. We've met many, many times. But we tend to hold that against all men or all women. So you meet the man of your dreams, but your immediate response may be, Oh, he's a man, therefore he will hurt me. Or she's a woman, therefore she will hurt me. Why? Because this person did and this person did. And until we look at ourselves and look and say, What is it about me that I allow that? Yeah, it probably will happen again. You could be in a room with 100 men. 99 of them are wonderful men. One of them would abuse you. And if you're in that state, you'll pick that guy. Your energy will just go, There's the guy. And pass by all the other people. Because I've had this where people say, If I could just meet the right person. And they've been married five, six, seven times. I've had somebody that I've dealt with 10 times, 10 times. And it's like, What's going on? I just haven't met the right girl. Well, who's the common denominator? And what's going on? That all this is going on. What is it about you? That's what we get to look at. And it's painful sometimes, but it actually is liberating, if we're really willing to get honest about it and say, What is it about me that all these things happen? Because maybe the next person that comes in my life is absolutely what I desire, but I will not see it because I'm so clouded by all my judgments and past experiences and the grudges I hold on these kind of people. So I have a question, and you don't need to know the answer to it, but it is something that I've been wondering. I've been wondering of like, how do you work through your triggers? How do you let go and forgive people who are often in your life continuously? So I'll give you an example. Let's say you get a divorce, but you have a kid with your spouse, and so you have to interact regularly to coordinate. Been there. Yeah, I'm sure you have. So how do you work through, you work through like, I don't want to say dealing with that person, but dealing with your emotions about that person in a way that that person has no more effect on you. That... Maybe you can just share your own experience, but that's something that I've really thought about because it's something that I personally need to do for myself. I have a lot of work that I need to do for someone who is in my life all the time, but I know there's... I'm not the only one. I know there are a lot of women who have people in their life that they can't just say, I'm not going to see you anymore. They have to be in their life because of certain reasons, right? Like, so I think boundaries is a way, but how do you lay it down so they don't have power over you anymore? They can't say something that just like sets you off, you know? It's a work. It's simple, but it's, you know, it's a work because what people do is because they've been taught that doing that works. In other words, if somebody is a nag, why are they a nag or bossy or pushy? Why? Because they've learned that that works to get what they think they want. And people come in our lives the way they are and we either draw them in or away. And so if we're drawing people like that into our lives, it's because we and others have taught them that that works. And our response is part of what teaches them that. If we do what they say because we don't want to deal with their nagging or bossiness or pushiness, then we're just reteaching them it's okay to do that. So we've got to be willing to say, I'm not going to do that anymore and recognize they may throw a tantrum, literally throw a tantrum. And we've got to be willing to be okay with that and it's going to seem to get worse before it gets better because they're going to pull out all the stops to use the tools they've used to get us to do what they want us to do. And I call it, ultimately, they pull out the weapons of mass destruction and we've got to be aware that that could happen and we've got to be clear, I'm not going to allow it to, they may do what they do, he or she may do what they do, they could, they likely will, blah, blah, blah. But even then I'm clear that this is how I want it to be and I'm going to basically reteach them how they get to deal with me. It isn't easy because there's a reason why we bought into it before. But, you know, basically it comes down to that is people treat us the way we've taught them to treat us and so we get to get clear. The reason I did that was because I wanted people to like me and accept me, what I thought was acceptance. It's not acceptance. They don't really accept me if they manipulate me. They're placating me, you know, giving me a little pat on the head. But I wanted people to like me, love me, so I'll do whatever you say. If I do it enough, then you'll love me. If I do this enough, you'll be nice to me. It doesn't work that way typically. They're nice to you until they're not or they like you until they don't. So it's a matter of realizing, you know, do I allow people to treat me this way or this way? And if I do, then, you know, I've got to retrain them and I've got to retrain me. I think that's a big one, is defining what we are going to allow and, like, defining the boundaries or defining how we want to be treated specifically and getting clear on that so that every time we get triggered, we can go back and be like, this is what I want. This is the relationship that I want. This is the way I want our interactions to go. And that way we don't allow them to have that power over us because we're clear on how we want the relationship to be and how we want to interact with them. And like you said, it's going to take a process of training them to know how they can deal with you at this point because they've dealt with you so differently before in the past and they've hurt you, and now you're like, I'm not going to allow that anymore. This is how we interact, and it is growing pains. And then they'll do things, I'm sure, that will hurt you again and again but as you're consistent and as you're constantly being like, this is how you can treat me, this is what you can do, this is how our relationship is going to be, then they'll get it and they will know that you mean business, that you are real about how they are allowed to treat you. And I know this from personal experience that it's hard. It is so hard when you're dealing with someone who has hurt you and has really caused a lot of trauma in your emotional state. It's really hard to come back and say, this is how you should treat me and not fall back into those patterns of how that relationship started and was. But we are out of time, so I'm glad that we got that in though because I think it's important. I think as a challenge for our listeners this time, I want you to spend some time writing down or maybe just spend a whole day thinking about your language. Think about the way that you speak and think about how often you say, oh, I'm so angry because that person did something to me or think about how often you are giving your power away through your speech. And I want you guys to just spend a full 24 hours thinking about what things you are giving your power to and how your language is affirming that power distribution. So that's my challenge for our listeners. But we are so grateful that you guys listen to us. We hope that you guys like this episode and you guys got something out of it. If you guys did like this episode, go ahead and hit the subscribe button and share it with your friends and family. Share it on social media. Share it with somebody who needs to hear this. And reach out to us. We're on Facebook and Instagram at YouAlreadyArePodcast. And we would love to see you, to hear you, to get some feedback on our episodes. But thank you guys again for joining us on another episode of You Already Are. We'll catch you next time. Thank you for joining us on another episode of You Already Are. Remember, you already are everything you aspire to be. Continue this journey and embrace the beauty it brings. Create the life you desire and remember your infinite worth and infinite potential. Until next time, live as though you already are.