Effectively Dealing with Feelings of Guilt

The Women Lighthouse Podcast focuses on inspiring purpose-driven women to live their dreams and aspirations. In this episode, they discuss the complex emotion of guilt that women often experience due to societal expectations and unrealistic standards. They explore different types of guilt, such as not being enough or not meeting certain expectations. They also discuss ways to turn guilt into a positive experience, such as using comparisons to aim higher and improve oneself. They emphasize the importance of recognizing that everyone's circumstances are different and not to be too hard on oneself. They also highlight the significance of seeking forgiveness and taking responsibility for one's actions, while also practicing self-forgiveness and moving forward. Hello everyone! You are welcome to the Women Lighthouse Podcast. This is a community for purpose-driven women who desire to live their dreams and aspirations. Our mission is to inspire you to live your dreams one day at a time while serving as a beacon of hope and guidance. We will be addressing various issues related to womanhood. Join me as we explore our journey of life together. I am your host, Ueme Hamilton. You're welcome to another episode of the Women Lighthouse Podcast. It's great to have you joining today. So, today we'll be talking about a very complex emotion. We'll be addressing guilt. How do we manage guilt as women? Guilt is a complex emotion, and it's particularly challenging for women because we deal with a lot of expectations, societal expectations, gender roles, cultural norms, and the likes. Women find themselves juggling a lot of responsibilities and they face unrealistic standards as they go on through the course of life. These feelings of guilt can lead to so many things if not properly managed. So, our focus on this episode will be to throw more light on what guilt is and how it can be positively used or even negatively used. We'll also want to discuss the types of guilt that we experience as women and how we can manage this feeling of guilt. So, today I won't be doing this discussion alone. Joining me today is a sister and a friend, and a woman like you. She is Opoyemi Badmouth. So, stay tuned. You're welcome, Opoyemi. It's great to have you on the show today. So, before we start, I want to get to know you a little more. In a nutshell, who is Opoyemi? Opoyemi is my wife and mother of four wonderful young boys. I am also a full-time working mom, and I help school my kids. So, today we'll be discussing about a very complex emotion. We'll be talking about guilt. So, when we talk about guilt, basically we're dealing with feelings of responsibility and remorse for actions that may have caused harm to others or maybe violated our moral standards or personal values. So, I want to know, in what ways have you experienced guilt as a woman? I think generally as women, we feel guilty of not being enough, like being able to... We feel we are not wisely enough, we are not more than capable. We place some standards or expectations on ourselves that might be beyond our capability. Then we now start feeling guilty for not being able to attain those things. Okay. So, what are some of the types of guilt that we experience as women? Sometimes we might feel like, we might feel like, ah, I'm working, I don't spend enough time with my children, like some other full-time housewives. Sometimes, it might be the guilt of, they don't always eat home-cooked meals. Like, sometimes we go out to buy, um, let's say we go to the kitchen to buy food. We can also feel guilty over it sometimes, depending on the standard you have laid down for yourself. It could even be the type of, they have to, it could be, ah, I leave home so early, I feel guilty, I should be with them, I shouldn't go to work. It could be the guilt of, I want to buy more toys for them. Or even something as simple as, I don't read them stories every night. Sometimes, even I personally feel guilty for that sometimes. Okay, yeah. And even as women, um, I know especially for women, maybe, um, who are just postpartum women, we also deal with body image issues, self-image also, self-care. Sometimes as women, we don't take care of ourselves, we experience those guilt. Then also perfectionism, trying to compare ourselves with other people, their achievements, their ambitions. So these are really, to add to what you said, some guilt that we experience as women. You know, when we talk about guilt, a lot of people think about it being a negative emotion. In what practical ways can we turn guilt into a healthy experience as women? First and foremost, I personally believe that no emotion is negative. Is it being angry? Is it being sad? They are all valid emotions. It now depends on how you manage those emotions and how long you allow them to linger. So like you said, we can always transform our negative experiences into positive ones. It just depends on our mindset. It depends on our mindset because it is the mindset that will give you that ability to shift ground and do the needful. Comparisons are not good. Sometimes comparing yourself with other women, you push yourself, you guilt trap yourself, then use that English. But sometimes it could be positive in the sense that by comparing yourself with other women, you can aim higher and aim to achieve better. In that view, to achieve something better, you would be forced to make more research either by asking those particular women, by checking the internet, by thinking beyond the box and learn how you can improve on your current level to become a better mother to your children. Then on the other hand, dealing with guilt as a negative, as an unhealthy emotion, how can we prevent guilt from being unhealthy? First things first, you always have to remind yourself that even twins are not equal. If you are trying to compare yourself with someone, always remember that if both of you are not equal, your circumstances are not the same and no matter how close you are to the person, the person might not open up 100% to you. Some women over the years have built a kind of system around themselves to manage some issues. You understand? For example, I am a full-time working mom and I still spend some time with my kids. Some people are full-time housewives and they don't spend... You know, it's a different thing to spend time with your kids when they are in the same apartment. It's a different thing to spend quality time with them. Some are full-time working moms and they don't spend up to 3 hours quality time with their kids. Now, if I am a full-time working mom, I shouldn't, because there is this working class mom that spends quality time, start guilt tripping myself. I have to think, how is she making it possible? What are the steps she is taking? Rather than just comparing myself with her, because we are definitely not in the same shoes. We are not experiencing the same thing. We don't have the same set of people around us. So, that's what I would say. Though it might be a negative feeling, we should always try, even when comparing ourselves with people, to realize that we are not in the same circumstances. And at the same time, we should know that things can always be better depending on how we handle them. For example, something bad happens. One person can just sit down, whine and cry about it, and complain about it. While the other person takes charge and manages the things they are in control of. You leave those things you are not in control of. Focus on the ones you are in control of and look for how you can use them to make the situation better. Yeah. So, to continue with what you just raised, when we talk about taking charge, taking responsibility of our actions, how do we now balance this with forgiving ourselves when we find ourselves feeling guilty? In what ways can we balance taking responsibility and forgiving ourselves? Okay. Let me start first from the Islamic perspective that Allah, God said that if you stop asking me for forgiveness, I will wipe out the whole egg. And create a people that will sin and ask for forgiveness. He is not saying, what is right thing? He knows the kind of people we have created. He knows we are all sinners. And we will definitely sin. However, sinning is not the end of the world. Like they would also say from the Islamic context that it is not your being a sin or being only that will take you to heaven. But by the mercy of your creator. Why? Because all humans are definitely sinners. So, the only thing as humans is to always seek for forgiveness and retrace our steps. Now, we are taught that seeking for forgiveness just by saying, oh my Lord, forgive me, is not enough. You need to run far from that sin and try as much as possible to avoid hiding. When you perform a sin, whether intentionally or by mistake, it is not for you to start announcing to people that I did this, in those days I did this. The only situation whereby you are to mention it is when you know it is of utmost importance that the person you are telling about it is going to learn from it and not fall into the same sin. So, if I know that, let me use a good example as one of the things that we feel guilty about is beating our children, beating and yelling. A lot of us fall into that offense or that crime of beating our children or yelling at them. Some will say, I have never beaten my child before but that yelling, when you are stressed and you have more than one child, let's say two or three and now shouting, maybe you went to work, you just came back at night, on your way back, you branched market to buy some foodstuff, you came back, you greeted them, you entered the kitchen, you are tired, you have been at work since morning, probably one boss shouted at you, probably you have not completed an assignment, you have to leave home early the next morning, you are in the kitchen cooking and one person just says, mommy, mommy, he beat me, another person is crying, he is lying, he is lying, I did not beat him, he is lying, mommy, as he is saying he is lying, he is slapping his brother. Even if you don't want to beat that child at that point, you are mad, you will definitely shout, but be into that, you will not shout at that point. Now, either immediately or after, you feel guilty, you start feeling bad, I beat this child, this child is going to be sad, this child may not even like me for that, my husband, that doesn't even spend much time with them, he comes home with ice cream, he will give them, they will play with him, they always want to be around daddy, you start feeling, the kids don't prefer me because I am shouting, you start guilt tripping yourself, the more you feel guilt tripping yourself, the more you withdraw, so you just have to take charge, believe that they are your kids, they will always forgive you, try to engage them in more discussions, the more you discuss with them, the more they understand, so rather than feel guilty and not do anything about it, you can still stand up, there was a time I was a beater, not that I don't beat, but when I say I was a beater, it was as bad as my first child, when he was one and a half, he peed on his body, his first reaction was to say, you know what you are about to call Abara, Abara is like a smack on the body, Eladi is a smack on the body, I will give you a very serious one, one that might even take him off his feet, that I will need to hold him so that he doesn't fall, I was like that then, and that moment I just said, yes, I know before that beating is not good, I have read books on beating, not being good enough, but it's a different thing to read, it's a different thing to implement, it's a different thing, most times we parents have not been able to perfectly control our emotions, or learn to control our emotions before we get into this thing called marriage, so we just think, and think that's why the part of me beating him comes up, so in some cases, rather than just, it has happened, it has happened, sometimes like, let's say I out of the abuse just beat my child because he did something wrong, I will call that particular child and say, you know beating is not good, they will say yes, sometimes they will say, but you beat me, I will say I'm sorry, that is because I wasn't able to control my emotions, it is my fault and not yours, however, it doesn't validate what you do, as much as we are trying to remove ourselves from the guilt and stopping it from holding us back, we are also teaching our children that they don't have to do something wrong to correct someone else's error, you understand, they could always ignore or do something better to show that they are the bigger person. As we draw this conversation to a close, can you just tell our listeners some key strategies to summarise all we said, some key strategies in managing the feelings of guilt as women. Thank you, first things first, I think women generally have more strength, I also experience it, like right now I'm saying I'm happy thinking I was one of the next women, I don't know, there is something, maybe it's the way you know finish the food in the plate or something and I'll just get angry immediately, but I think we should try as much as possible, we should always try to imagine a good moment, recently there is something I did, I was angry for whatsoever reason with my husband and I just said this is the time to make the best decision, I just took a picture of the both of us together like one of those happy moments we shared in short, when I put it on my system I see my kids, I see my husband, at this time we are laughing, so it kind of personally has that effect of melting the stone that is building in my heart, you understand, so always remembering that bad times don't last, you know, tough times don't last you should always remember that there are better days ahead, you should always remember that even avoiding issues or whatever does not cure or does not solve any problem, you know, you have to escape issues from the root cause, not just from the surface and another thing that I would advise is to build memories with your family, money is good but your family is your family is your life, let me put it that way, we don't pray for a woman, but just imagine you fall sick the next moment, those at work might be nice enough to contribute a certain amount for you for that anyway, but immediately after that they don't remember you, think one should be busy at work and nothing, but don't let work be the reason why you do not create memories with your family, then when I talk of creating memories, some people might be thinking we don't have money, things are expensive, I don't have a car, my dear you can create memories with your family in your house, so that's my advice, always try to create memories with your kids, they will always forgive you, always explain things to them, they are too small to explain and understand, no child is too small to understand. Thank you so much Ope, today's conversation has really been very enlightening, managing guilt as women really involves the whole earth, it involves understanding the underlying cause, practicing self-compassion, like you said, setting realistic expectations, seeking support and also redefining societal norms, and we've come to understand that guilt doesn't have to be a negative experience, we can also turn it into a positive experience by acknowledging and accepting where we are wrong and also seeking to learn from our experience and give ourselves some credit and love ourselves a little more. We hope to have you again, especially since you are a homeschooling mother, so we would want to know more about your experience as a homeschooling mom, but that will be in a future episode. So thank you for joining in today our dear listeners, and we believe that through this discussion you've learnt how you can manage the emotion of guilt as a woman. Thank you for listening to today's episode of the Women Lighthouse Podcast. I hope you were inspired to keep taking steps towards living out your dreams. If you enjoyed this episode, we encourage you to share it with other women and leave us a review on our social media platform which is in the description box. Also, feel free to subscribe to our channel to be notified of new episodes till I come your way on our next episode. Keep living, keep dreaming. Bye for now.