Red Flags Pt 2

The podcast "Wisdom Workshop" with host Stephanie Oliver discusses the importance of discerning between red flags and mismatched expectations in relationships. Licensed counselor Nicole Turner shares insights on setting boundaries based on grace and humility, emphasizing that boundaries should focus on one's own actions and choices rather than controlling others. The conversation highlights the need for self-care and taking breaks in challenging relationships, while also seeking guidance from God and the Holy Spirit in navigating difficult situations. Welcome to the Wisdom Workshop, the show that brings you timeless truth you need for everyday life. Join our host, Stephanie Oliver, for a fresh perspective from God's Word on the topics that matter. Whether you're facing cultural confusion, financial pressure, relationship challenges, or just trying to grow in your faith, you're in the right place. Proverbs 24 says, The wise are mightier than the strong, and those with knowledge grow stronger and stronger. In the same way, wisdom is sweet to your soul. If you find it, you will have a bright future, and your hopes will not be cut short. So grab your journal, your coffee, or just a quiet moment, because in a world full of noise, wisdom wins every time. Hello friends, and welcome to the Wisdom Workshop podcast. I'm Dr. Stephanie Oliver. I'm an author, speaker, pastoral counselor, and your host for today. I'm so glad that you're joining us. We actually are going to continue our counseling conversation today with licensed professional Nicole Turner. Our topic is red flags again, part two. Part two. So I'm really excited. We had such a great conversation last time, and I'm excited to continue it on, just talking to you more about red flags, what they mean, how to recognize them, how to move past them, all the things. So welcome, Nicole. We're glad to have you back. You kick us off today. What's on your mind about red flags? Yeah. So podcast community, I asked to kick us off today, because since I'm still actively seeing clients, one of my clients this past week brought something up that I thought was really pertinent to our conversation, and I want to get your raw thoughts on it, because it was really, when I heard it, I was like, that makes sense. That makes a lot of sense. So we were talking in her session, and then she was saying how someone identified a red flag in her. And I was like, well, that's interesting. And then she said, I'm wondering if it's less of a red flag and more of a higher expectation. So my question is, and I want to get your thoughts on it, is it a red flag? Or do we need to level set our expectations of somebody? Well, that's a really good point that she brings up. You know, it takes me back to a conversation I had with a family member years ago. They were dealing with an absentee father, and just the hurt and the wounds that were around that. And one of my responses to them was basically, you're expecting them to be somebody they just cannot be. They don't have the capacity, they don't have the know-how, they don't have the history or skills or tools to be the kind of father that you're wanting them to be. And their expectations were basically based on what they saw in other people's lives. And so I think you bring up a really good point. Sometimes they're not red flags. They are just mismatched expectations. Right. Or unspoken. Even unspoken, or I just think about how many times we are asking people to be somebody they don't know how to be. And then we're upset, and we cause ruptures in a relationship, because we haven't discerned properly who they really are. I think about our Connections Workshop, and how one of the points in that workshop was to be able to discern who the people are that you're in relationship with. But also who they're meant to be in your life. Yes, that's what I'm getting at. That's exactly right. And so sometimes we want people to be something that God's never intended for them to be, and then we're hurt because they're not that. And we're looking for answers. We're looking for satisfaction in ways that God has not designed them to provide. So that is a really, really, really good point. Yeah, I thought it was super interesting. And like I said, definitely something that is pertinent to this conversation, because I think you're right. A lot of people are expecting everyone in their life to play or meet a specific need to play a certain role or meet a specific need, or even fill a trauma hole, fill a trauma wound in their life that the Lord has not caused them. Sometimes the Lord has called that person to dig out that trauma, or expose it, right? So yeah, I found that really interesting. And in today's society, we're just so quick to say like, red flag, red flag, that person's this or that person's that. When in reality, it's always important to take a step back and go, well, where am I at fault here? Could I be mislabeling this? I also think a lot of social media contributes to that. Oh, my God. We do all this comparison about what somebody else has in a relationship versus what we want in our relationship, whether it's romantic or family or work, whatever, you know, and we compete and compare and it causes all sorts of confusion and discouragement. I think about another part of that is, we brought this up a little bit last time. Red flags are not always exit ramps. Sometimes they're just opportunities to pause and repair or to fix or to heal. And I think what gets me is when people are automatically like, throwing up red flags, and they become their excuse for not committing. Yeah, they become their excuse for not sticking it out. I see it in marriages to like, people, something comes up, and you're married, and you've been married for a while. And now you're like, well, I don't like that anymore. That's a red flag. And I don't have to deal with that. And I just think to myself, yeah, but the Lord's called us, at least believers, we're called to patience, and long suffering, and kindness, and all of these things are fruit of the spirit that are necessary at some point in everybody's relationships. And last time we talked about family relationships, where red flags come up, and you can't always get out. No. I mean, you didn't get to choose your parents. No. We can set boundaries. Right? That's a good point. So that is a good point. One of my questions for today is, how do you handle red flags in relationships where you can't just leave? Sometimes the work relationships are toxic, and you can't just leave. I mean, everybody has free will, you can leave, but it's not always in your best interest. Right. Or you don't want to necessarily, like a work relationship, if I leave that, then I'm out of a job. Yeah. Right? Like, I got family to provide for. That's such an important note, but also I think probably one of the hardest things that we have to deal, one of the hardest things we have to deal with in life, is knowing that these people might not be, or might not have my best interest. And sure, let's say it is a red flag, right, for the sake of this argument, let's say it is a red flag. Well, what does that look like moving forward? And how do I respond? First and foremost, I think it's always important, two things. One, we respond out of grace and humility, always, because that's what we're called to do. But two, boundaries are biblical. Jesus sets boundaries, right? So we have to identify where do we place a fence post, a line, where do we say, you know what, this is too much for me in that relationship. A couple of things that are important to remember about boundaries specifically is that, one, a boundary never takes away the other person's right to make their own choice. Because if it does, that's an ultimatum. Ultimatums are not biblical. Boundaries are. That's good. And two, I like to always think of boundaries as what I can do versus what I won't do. So maybe there's this relationship, and we notice that they're really toxic or really hard to deal with all the time. Well, maybe I can go to large family gatherings with them. Maybe I won't be alone in a room isolated with them, right? So it looks different for different relationships, but I think those two things, really operating in grace and humility, and then identifying what you will do versus what you won't do, especially in family relationships. That's really good. And I always stress to people to remember when you put a boundary, it's based on your actions. Sometimes we want to put up blocks and say, yeah, they can't do that, or they can do that, or they this, and the language of the boundary is, I won't. I think of it as, if this, then I won't. If this, then I. So that's kind of how I like to explain it. Yeah. Like I said, a boundary doesn't impose on someone else's right to choose. It doesn't impose on somebody else's free will, if we want to go biblically for a second. And, yeah, it's all about what I'm willing to do, what I'm willing to give, what I'm willing to say is right for me. How do you, once you've put a boundary, we had this question come up once before. How do you know when something beyond the boundary is necessary? So you're dealing, say their red flag is selfish behavior, and you've put the boundaries up and they've just consistently hit against them. How do you know when something beyond a boundary is necessary, and what does that look like? I think that's hard, right? I think once you've gone through all of the things that we've talked about, both in part one and now part two, and the thing, the red flag is still coming up, and you're still continuously feeling drained and depleted and empty, and nothing's working. First and foremost, always take it to the Lord, because he's going to tell you what to do. He's going to give you the guidance, Holy Spirit is so good about that. If you allow him to lead those relationships, but also, I think sometimes we just need a break from people, right? Good, taking a break. I think it's also important, yes, we're called to be in relationship with people, yes, we're called to live in community, but sometimes that community can be a lot, right? Sometimes it can be really overwhelming, and people's personalities can just be really extreme sometimes, and it's okay for a break. It's okay to step away. I don't like to say, well, cut them out, cut them out right now, right? I don't like cutting people off. I don't like burning bridges, because you may have to cross them later in life. Right, but it's okay to say, you know what, as a family, we're just going to take a step back, and we're going to focus on this area of our life right now, and we're going to focus in, we're going to pour into this relationship right now, where we feel like the Lord is leading us here or there. That's why it's always important to make sure that you are in alignment with what the Lord is telling you to do for you and your family, but I think it's okay to take a break. I think what's important for me, especially in relationships where you know God's called you to be there, that you recognize your reentry point. If we're going to take a break, I'm going to take one month, I'm going to take two months, I'm going to take two weeks, that you kind of give yourself an opportunity for reentry to see if that break helps. I think too many times we take the break without a plan or strategy for reentry. I'd say that even with couples that do what we call healing separations, they have to have a reentry point, or it's not a healing separation. We're just figuring out how to get divorced at that point, but I think, and some people don't, if you can't see where God's allowed for a reentry point, I think that's when you have to say, our season together is up, because that's an important consideration too. Sometimes the season is over. You got to let them go, and they have to go live their life, and you have to go live yours, and whatever purpose God had for y'all, it's done. That's an important thing, I think, to recognize, and sometimes when people disrespect the boundaries over time, and you see that they haven't changed, and you've lost really hope for them to change, you take it to the Lord, you lay it at his feet, but you also let it go. I just read a scripture out of Isaiah 43, it was Isaiah 43, 18, 19, I read it yesterday, but it was really about remembering not the former things, don't ponder the past. I had a moment, like a personal moment, where we were looking at some jewelry at Costco, Carolyn and I, and my anniversary ring that was stolen and lost and all that kind of stuff, but that was, we saw something similar, and I was like, that looks just like it, and my daughter kicked it back at me, she said, remember mama, it's just going to make you sad, don't ponder the past, and I thought, oh my goodness, that is true, the Lord was reminding me, that season has passed, now that's not a situation where somebody crossed my boundary repeatedly, but it was a moment where you had to remember, the season is over, and I can grieve the loss of that, and I can process through that, but at some point I have to let it go, I have to let it go, and I think that when people are repeatedly moving beyond the boundaries, you're merciful sometimes in letting them go, because if you're not letting them go, they could end up enduring your wrath, and then you can get out of God's will, and they're out of God's will, and then it's a whole mess, yes, sometimes the mercy of God is to just let it go, and let Him do what He needs to do in their life, and then He can do what He needs to do in yours. I love that you brought up relationships as a season, and I think sometimes that's so hard for us as humans to understand, because we're hardwired for connection, so we want connection, and we want people, and we want to be around them, even the ones who say, I'm a loner, and I don't need nobody, yes you do, yes you do, and you want them, you're just hurt, come talk to me, we'll work through it, but I love that you brought up relationships, and relationship to season, because it's so true, right, not everybody is meant to be with you for the rest of your life, and sometimes that's so hard, because you start noticing these red flags, and I've even had relationships of 15 plus years that I've had to let go, or I've had to step away from, and that was so hard, because these red flags started popping up, and I'm like, this is not normal, like what's going on, and I had to grieve it, and if I'm being honest with you, still kind of grieving, and working it out, but what God had for us was accomplished. Yeah, that's good, well we're going to take a short break, and enjoy this wisdom win, and we'll see you all on the other side. Hi, I'm Carolyn, I'm here with your wisdom win for the day. Today's wisdom win comes from 1 Peter 5 7. Cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you. Have you ever noticed how easy it is to carry things God never asked you to carry? We carry strained relationships we can't fix, decisions we can't control, and worries about tomorrow that haven't even happened yet. Before long, the weight begins to show. Our hearts feel heavy, our minds become exhausted, even our worship can feel difficult, because we're trying to hold burdens that were never meant for our shoulders, but Peter gives us a powerful invitation. Cast your cares on him. The Greek word there is ipripto. The word cast means to throw, to place upon, to release completely. God isn't asking you to manage your burdens better, he's asking you to surrender them. Why? Because he cares for you. The God who created the universe is also deeply concerned with what concerns you. He is strong enough to carry what is crushing you, and loving enough to walk with you through it. So today, instead of rehearsing your worries, release them. Name each burden in prayer, and intentionally place it into God's hands. Every time anxiety tries to reclaim your heart, remind yourself, I've already given this to the Lord. Wisdom wins every time when we stop carrying what belongs to God, and start trusting the one who never grows weary. Let's lay down our burden, lift up our praise, and worship the God who is more than able to carry it all. Thank you for joining us for our wisdom win today. Now let's get back to the episode. All right. Well, welcome back, everyone. We're continuing our conversation on red flags, and it is a good one. I almost don't want it to end. So I have a question. Yeah. What makes it difficult for people to acknowledge red flags when they first appear? Because I know we've talked a lot about identifying them and what to do once you identify them. But what about when people just aren't recognizing them? And like you see them, you're like, what's going on? Or you're the friend who's like, hey, that's off. Hey, something's wrong with that. So I think it's multifaceted, right? And our producer, Kevin, brought up something important that I think should be said. Sometimes people hide them. True, true. So you don't always know who that person is until you see them or until those red flags are kind of coming out. And you're like, well, wait a second. Right. Maybe maybe this isn't this person. Yeah. Maybe maybe it was just a fluke. Right. So there's that. Some people hide them. I think fear is a big, a big thing. People are afraid, like I said before, wisdom wins that people are they want people. People want people. People want community. Yes. That fear of rejection, fear of rejection. And then one of the other things that I think about is relationships are often a mirror, meaning that when we identify it in somebody else, sometimes not all the time. So I need to make this disclaimer. Yeah. Sometimes not all the time. It's something that we notice in ourselves and we don't like that. So we're just going to sweep that one under the rug. Yeah. So instead of confronting what we're dealing with and and we just ignore it in them, ignore it in us and move on with our little toxic pool. Yeah, that's true. It reminds me of like when people trauma bond. Absolutely. You got problems. I got the same problems. Let's just put all our problems together and make a bond out of it. Yep. Absolutely. Brené Brown. She's not a Christian, but I love some of her stuff. She calls that common enemy intimacy. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And I was like, Oh, that's so good. Yeah, that's good. Okay, well, I want to do a little rapid fire. Let's do it. And we'll ask you just a few quick questions. Okay, let's see how rapid fire can be. Which red flags are easiest for you to identify in others, but hardest to recognize in yourself? Oh, I think selfishness, for one. Oh, that's a good one. Because we're never selfish, right? Yeah, everything is through our own. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Um, yeah. Gosh, you said rapid fire. Now. That's okay. We'll go with another question. What are some financial, emotional, spiritual, or relational red flags people often overlook? Just name a few. Oh, so you said financial, relational, emotional, spiritual. Um, so I think about a lot of times with subtle things. So it's like, do you really want to spend money on that? Are you sure that's the best way that you want to spend your money? Or are you sure that this is the best church? You mean people asking you those kind of questions? Your judgment questioning judgment? I think that's a great way. Now, it's not necessarily a one time thing, but I think kind of repeated, right? It's it almost makes you feel like, wait a second. Can I not make decisions myself? Yeah, it makes you question your own decision making ability. I think about like the backseat drivers that are like, you don't want to get over in the next lane. You don't turn right here. Yeah. And eventually you're like, look, I'm driving. I know how to do this. Okay, what about some spiritual red flags? Spiritual red flags? Oof. I'll come up with one. Yeah. Saying that they have a relationship with God, but they never read, they never pray, and they never go to church. That's a big one, right? I've seen that one specifically with a lot of people. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm religious. I just don't subscribe to a church community. What? Yeah. Or for Christians, there's this thing now where people will say, I'm spiritual, not religious, or I'm spiritual. I just don't ascribe. And I'm like, no, then they're not a Christian. Right. Or I know God. I know God. Right. Yeah. And then what are some relational red flags? I feel like we talked about this a lot. Like I said, the selfishness is one, really just pay attention to pride. Like, are these people just proud people? Yes, that's a good one. And another one for me is enmeshment. Yeah. You can't make a decision on your own without these people. I mean, if they're not an adult, okay. But if you're an adult, right, that's part of adulthood, being able to stand on your own two feet and make a decision. And that brings up a quick tip that I want to give to our listeners. Look at the other relationships. Right. Be an observer for a few minutes and look and see how they interact with the other people that they're really close to. Okay, my last question, because we've talked a lot about red flags, but I want to know what green flags or healthy indicators we should be looking for. I want you to separate it for our family relationships, romantic relationships, and friendships. Yeah, so I'll start with romantic relationships, because I do feel like my husband does a really good job at this. And he's always making sure that I am taken care of first, before he gets what he needs, or it's me, the kids, and then him, right? So he's constantly making sure, like checking with me, like, Hey, this is what I think, what do you think? Right? We're a partnership, right? So as opposed to him just making all the decisions, we're engaging in it together. That's good. I think that's a good one. Friendship, I think it's more of, I think of a two way street, right? Are you the therapist in the relationship? Or are you, is it a mutual type of, can you give advice and be given advice? We talk about this with the Townsend Institute is one up and one down. Are we are we equal? Or, or am I one down in this relationship? Am I the superior one? Yeah, relationship, a good friendship, you're equal. Yeah, there's no one up or one down. Yeah. Okay. And then the last one was family. Oh, that one's hard. I feel like that's what we say for last. So green flags and family is, is everybody able to share? Whether or not we agree? Can we all share? Are we respected enough to share? So respect is a good one in families. I think grace. Yeah, absolutely. These are the people you didn't get to choose. Well, your spouse is the only one you get to choose. But siblings, parents, cousins, aunts, uncles, you don't get to choose any of those. So I think it's important that you recognize where you have grace for the people in your family and stay in your lane. Stay in your lane. Yes. If you don't get anything else, get that. Stay in your lane. Figure out who you're called to be to the people in your family and stay in your lane. I love it. Well, this has been a great conversation. I'm so glad that you were able to join us today. If you like this podcast, we want to make sure that you like it, share it and follow us, subscribe so that you can find out when the next one releases. And don't ever forget that wisdom wins every time. God bless you. Thanks for joining us today on the Wisdom Workshop. Remember, as Proverbs 24 reminds us, victory comes through wise counsel and strength is found in wisdom. So whatever you're facing this week, seek God's insight, approach it with faith and walk in truth. Until next time, stay grounded, stay growing and never forget, wisdom wins every time.