scattered minds

The transcription discusses Gabor Maté's book "Scattered Minds" and how it challenges the traditional understanding of attention deficit disorder (ADD). Maté, who was diagnosed with ADD later in life, shares his personal experiences and emphasizes the need to view ADD as an impairment rather than a disorder. He explores how early childhood experiences shape our brains and argues that genetics play a role in heightened sensitivity rather than directly causing ADD. Maté also discusses the concept of implicit memory, where early emotional experiences can resurface in present-day relationships. He suggests self-parenting as a way to heal old wounds and create healthier patterns, starting with self-compassion and letting go of self-blame. Okay, so you know how sometimes a label like ADD, it's like, it feels like they're trying to like show this huge thing in a tiny little box. We're going to try to break out of that box today because we're diving deep in a Gabor Maté's Scattered Minds, the book that really kind of flips the script on attention deficit disorder. Yeah. And you know what's so great about this book is that he's writing from a really personal place. He was diagnosed with ADD himself later in life. Oh, wow. So it's not just theory for him. It's lived experience. Totally. Totally. It's like we're having coffee with a friend who gets it. Right. Not like having a lecture from on high. And he doesn't sugarcoat things either. No. Like he talks about a patient who described their life as soup and garbage can, which I have to say really hit home for me. Have you ever felt that way? Oh my gosh. Yes. All the time. It's that feeling of chaos, never quite feeling grounded. And I think that's something that Maté would argue is that it's so often misunderstood when we're viewing ADD through this really clinical lens. Right. Like it's just a checklist of symptoms in the DSM. Right. It's so much more nuanced than that. Right. And I really appreciate how he uses the term impairment rather than disorder. Yeah. Because it feels less like a life sentence and more like, okay. Totally. There's a hurdle here. Yes. But it doesn't define me as a human. Right. Exactly. Impairment implies this potential for healing, this potential for growth. Yes. It shifts the focus from what's wrong with me to how can I become more fully myself? Yes. Love that. And a big part of that becoming that he explores in the book is really the power of our early childhood experiences and how they literally shape our brain. Yeah. He uses this really great example of a child who's trying to clean their room. They start with one thing and then bam, something shiny catches their eye and suddenly they're down this rabbit hole of distractions. It's that classic ADD distractibility. Yeah. Sure. Right. But then Mate takes it a step deeper and he connects it to what's actually happening in the developing brain. So he talks about this concept of neural Darwinism. Okay. So imagine your brain like this bustling city. Okay. With roads being built everywhere. Okay. Our early experiences, especially the emotional connection that we have with our caregivers, they're like the city planners who are deciding which neural pathways get paved and which ones get, you know, neglected. So if a child is experiencing a lot of stress, inconsistency, or just a lack of that deep emotional connection that Mate calls attunement, that feeling of being truly seen and understood, like some crucial roads in that brain city are not being built properly. Exactly. And then that can have such a huge impact on how we learn to regulate our emotions, our attention as adults. And so it's not just about being scatterbrained, right? It's about how our brains adapted in order to survive those early environments. It really makes you think about the long-term impact of those early years, right? It does. But what about genetics? I feel like we hear so much about the genetic component of ADD. Sure. Where does that fit into all of this? That's where I think it gets even more interesting. So Mate's perspective is that what we inherit, it's not necessarily ADD itself, but it's this heightened sensitivity. Some of us come into the world and our dials are set to extra receptive, so we're incredibly attuned to our surroundings, which can be a beautiful thing. Sure. But it also makes us much more vulnerable to stressors. Okay. So it's kind of like we have this genetic potential for something, but it's those early experiences that really determine whether it blossoms or whether it becomes a point of struggle. Exactly. And he illustrates this beautifully with a story from his own life. Okay. So he was born in Budapest in 1944, right before the Nazi occupation. Wow. So you can imagine the level of stress and fear that permeated his world. Even as a newborn. Even as a newborn, right. I mean, his grandparents were taken away. Oh my God. Murdered by the Nazis. His mother even wrote in her diary about the immense stress that she was under. So we're talking about a lover of trauma. Yeah. That's unimaginable for most of us. Of course, of course. But Matei argues that even subtle anxiety, even unconscious anxieties in parents can ripple out and impact a sensitive child's developing brain. He has a striking quote. He says, the family I grew up in was not the family my brothers grew up in. Oh, wow. So even within the same family, same parents, those individual experiences can be so vastly different. It's all about that unique interplay. It is. It's about sensitivity and the environment that they're being raised in. Exactly. And that takes us to thinking about how these early experiences. Especially when we're talking about that delicate interplay between our sensitivity and our environment. Right. It can have this powerful ripple effect into adulthood. Holy. And often it shows up in our relationship. Oh, interesting. In ways that we might not even consciously realize. There's all those early patterns. Like how we cope with stress, how we seek out connection, maybe how we push love away. Yeah. They become these invisible blueprints for how we navigate intimacy later on in life. Exactly. And that's where this idea of implicit memory comes into play. Okay. And I think you'll find this fascinating. So it's this idea that our early emotional experiences, even the ones that we don't consciously remember can actually resurface in our present day relationships. Wait, hold on. So you're saying that these old wounds, these old heartbreaks can be triggered and we don't even realize what's happening. Yes. Precisely. Think about it like this. Imagine a pathway in the woods that's become all overgrown. You can barely even see it anymore. Okay. But then someone starts walking along that path and even though they can't see it clearly, their footsteps are starting to carve it out again. Okay. Right? Yeah. That's kind of how implicit memory works. So our early experiences, they create these pathways in our brain. Wow. And even though we might not consciously remember them, they can still be influencing how we're reacting, how we're responding in our relationships. Wow. That's mind blowing. So you're saying that someone could be acting a certain way in a relationship and have no idea that it's coming from something that happened in their childhood. Absolutely. And Matei gives this great example of a guy named Trevor. Okay. He's a stockbroker. Okay. And he craves intimacy. Okay. And so he challenges his relationships. Wow. So he pushes women away just as they're starting to get close and then he's left feeling lonely, confused, you know. Oh man, that push and pull, wanting connection but fearing it at the same time. I feel like we've all felt that. We have. Substance. But for Trevor, Matei was able to trace this pattern back to his childhood. Interesting. So growing up, he experienced a lot of emotional rejection from his parents. Okay. So even in his adult relationships, any hint of rejection, even if it's completely unintentional, it triggers those old feelings of abandonment and he reacts defensively. That's such a good point. It's like our brain is subconsciously trying to protect us from that old pain even if it ends up creating more pain in the present moment. It's a survival mechanism. Yeah. Right. But one that often backfires when it comes to creating those healthy, fulfilling relationships that we all want. Right. Right. And for people like ADD who are already, you know, kind of predisposed to be more sensitive to these emotional cues, it seems like these implicit memories could be even more intense. Without a doubt. Yeah. This is really resonating with me because it's like it's not just about being forgetful or disorganized. ADD is really about how we relate to ourselves and the world around us, which is so shaped by these early experiences. And that's a really profound insight and I think that's one of the big things that Matei wants people to take away from this book. You know, he's not just diagnosing a problem. He's really offering a path towards healing. I love that. Yeah. And that path begins with understanding. So if our past is impacting our present in ways that we don't even realize, how do we start to heal some of those old wounds and create new, healthier patterns? That is the million-dollar question, isn't it? And this is where this idea of self-parenting comes in. Self-parenting. Yeah. I have to admit that sounds a little strange. Are we talking about literally becoming our own parents? Well, it's more of a metaphor, but in a way, yeah. It's about recognizing that as adults, we have the power to give ourselves the love, the acceptance, the support that we might not have received earlier in life. So instead of waiting for someone else to come along and magically fill those voids for us, we can actually learn to provide those things for ourselves. Exactly. I love that. But how? How do we actually do that? Well, I think it starts with self-compassion. You know, it's about letting go of that harsh inner critic. Yeah. That says, we're not good enough. We're not smart enough. We're not worthy. Yeah. You know, remember those overgrown paths that we talked about? Right. Self-compassion, I think, is about creating new paths, healthier paths. And it starts by recognizing that those early experiences, those weren't our fault. Right. But we also have the power to choose differently now. That's huge. Letting go of the blame. It's so easy to get caught in those cycles of self-criticism. It really is. And I think that's why Mate is so adamant that self-parenting isn't about blaming ourselves or blaming our parents. Right. It's really about understanding the patterns and then making conscious choices to create new ones. And he does offer some really practical advice. Okay. So, like, what are we talking about here? Give me some actual steps. Sure. I mean, it could be as simple as creating a supportive physical environment for yourself. Okay. Right? Think about, does clutter overwhelm you? Do you thrive in a space that feels really calm and organized? Yeah. Creating that kind of physical environment for yourself, I think, can be a powerful act of self-parenting. You know, you're speaking my language because my desk right now is a disaster zone. And maybe that's why I can't focus. It's worth considering. And he also talks about tapping into our creativity. Well, that's interesting. As a form of self-parenting. I like that. Yeah. I've always felt drawn to creative pursuits. Yeah. But then I end up pushing them aside because they feel frivolous or not productive enough. How does creativity tie into self-parenting? Because Matei believes that when we're engaged in those creative acts, that's when we really connect with our true selves. Yeah. And we're able to tap into that state of flow and focus that can feel really elusive sometimes, especially for people with ADD. So, it's not about, like, forcing ourselves into this rigid structure or anything, but it's about finding those activities that actually make our brains come alive. Yes. You know, it helps us tap into that natural curiosity and then see where it leads. Precisely. And, in fact, he tells a story about a patient of his, Colin, who always dreamed of being a filmmaker. But he felt really stuck in this dead-end bartending job. Yeah. He had all these ideas, but he could never seem to, like, wrangle them into any kind of order. Yeah. I think a lot of us have those what-if dreams tucked away somewhere, you know? So, what happened with Colin? So, through therapy, he realized that a lot of it was that he was holding himself back out of fear. Okay. Fear of failure. Yeah. Fear of rejection. All those implicit memories. Yeah. Pesky, implicit memories. Always coming back to get us. Yeah. They follow us around like shadows. They do. But here's the thing. Once he started to understand those underlying issues and really address them, he found the courage to actually pursue his passion. Amazing. So, he quit his bartending job and went for it. Wow. He really took the leap. So, did he find success as a filmmaker? He did. And you know what's so interesting is that the very qualities that had been holding him back before, you know, his kind of non-linear thinking, his ability to make these unexpected connections, those became his greatest assets in the film industry. Wow. That's amazing. Right. And those qualities that had been a source of shame became the wellspring of his creativity. I love that. It's like this beautiful reminder that like what we often perceive as our weaknesses can actually be our biggest strength in disguise. Totally. It's all about, you know, finding the right environment, the right support. Yeah. To help those strengths really flourish. Absolutely. And I think that's really at the heart of what Maté is trying to convey. It's this idea of, you know, honoring our own pace and our own path. Yes. Even if it looks different. From what, you know, society tells us is normal. Yeah. He believes that when we embrace those differences, our quirks, you know, our unique ways of seeing the world, that's when we can unlock this whole other level of authenticity and self-acceptance. Yes. This is resonating with me so deeply because it's so easy to get caught in that trap of trying to fit in, trying to be normal. Right. But it leaves us feeling so empty. It does. And from Maté's perspective is that true self-esteem, it doesn't come from trying to conform. Yeah. It comes from embracing the things that make us different. Totally. Yeah. It's about giving ourselves permission to be who we are, ADD and all. You know, thinking back on everything we've talked about, from the neural pathways to implicit memories to this idea of self-parenting, it really highlights how interconnected everything is. It is. Our brains, our pasts, our present experiences, it's like they're all woven together. They are. It's like this tapestry of who we are. You know, he even takes it a step further. Okay. He connects this idea to something really profound. Okay. He proposes that attention itself is an act of love. Whoa. Attention is love. I've never thought about it like that, but tell me more. So he argues that when we truly pay attention to something, whether it's our own inner world or another person, we're engaging in this really deep, loving act. It's about being present, being curious, being willing to offer our full presence without judgment. So it's not just about checking things off a to-do list. Right. It's about bringing that quality of presence to everything we do. To everything, yeah. To every moment. And it's not always easy. Yeah. Especially for those of us with ADD, right? Right. I mean, our minds are wired to be like splitting from one thing to the next. Totally. So my suggestion is that by cultivating this more conscious relationship with our attention, we can actually deepen our capacity for love and connection with ourselves and with others. That's beautiful. It's like a muscle we can strengthen. It is. Yeah. That ability to choose where we direct our attention, to be more intentional with our presence. I'll be honest. There are a lot of times where I'm like halfway listening to someone, and my mind is a million miles away. We've all been there. Yeah. But instead of beating ourselves up in those moments, we just gently redirect our attention. Yeah. Yeah. Back to the present moment. Back to the person right in front of us. And not just with others, but with ourselves, too. Yeah. Exactly. Paying attention to our own needs, our own inner world, that's a form of self-love, too. Beautifully said. It really is about recognizing that attention is this precious resource. It is. It's like the superpower that we all have. Yeah. And the fact that we choose to use it can either nourish us or really deplete us. Wow. Matei's book, it really has been a game changer for me, I'm not going to lie. It's not just about understanding ADD. Right. It's about understanding what it means to be human. Yes. You know, to be beautifully, messily, imperfectly ourselves. I love that. That's a great way to put it. And I think that's what I hope you take away from this deep dive as well, a sense of hope, a sense of possibility, knowing that healing and growth are always possible. Always. No matter what challenges we might be facing. I love that. And for anyone listening who's curious to explore their own relationship with attention, maybe explore this concept of self-parenting, or who just wants to learn more about all the incredible insights in Gabor Matei's Scattered Minds, we highly encourage you to check out his work. And remember that thought-provoking question that he leaves us with, right? Should exploring your own relationship with attention be this key to deeper self-understanding? Whether or not you identify with ADD, it's something to really reflect on, to sit with, to see where it leads you. Thank you so much for joining us on this incredible journey into the world of Scattered Minds. My pleasure. Until next time, keep asking those thought-provoking questions and keep diving deep.