Chunk 3 - The grief of healing

The process of healing involves dealing with grief, letting go of survival roles, and grieving the fantasy of what could have been. It's important to honor the versions of ourselves that adapted to survive, even if it means changing coping strategies. Healing may lead to changes in relationships as some people may not benefit from our growth. Feeling fear and loneliness during healing is normal and indicates awareness of old wounds. Healing doesn't always bring more people into our lives immediately but creates space for authentic connections to grow. Security is about no longer needing to fight to belong. Emotional responses during healing are natural and indicate honest progress. There's a part of healing that almost no one warrants you about and that's the grief. We expect healing to feel like relief, like freedom, like finally getting to the other side. But often, before it feels good, it feels like loss. The grief of who we had to be. Becoming secure means honoring the version of you who survived without safety. The version of you who adapted, who learned to read rooms, who stayed hyper aware, who loved through inconsistency. That version of you deserves respect. But healing doesn't mean staying there forever. And letting go of survival roles can feel like betrayal. When coping strategies become comfort, your coping strategies weren't random. They were intelligent responses to your environment. Overfunctioning kept you connected. Self-abandonment kept you included and emotional vigilance kept you prepared. So when healing asks you to stop doing those things, your system asks, then how do I stay safe? That question deserves compassion, not force. Grieving the fantasy. One of the deepest losses in healing is the fantasy. The fantasy that if you had just loved harder, if you were more patient, if you explained yourself better, someone would finally meet you where you needed them to. That hope kept you going. And releasing it can feel devastating. Security says, I stopped waiting to be chosen. And that can feel lonely before it becomes empowering. Outgoing people is real and painful. Here's another truth. Not everyone benefits from your healing. Some people are comfortable with the version of you who over gives, over explains, waits, accommodates, and doubts themselves. When you become secure, the dynamic changes. And sometimes relationships fall away. Not because you did something wrong, but because the relationship required your dysregulation. Your fear of abandonment was reactivated. So if you notice fear coming up as you heal, fear of being alone, fear of being misunderstood, fear of losing people, that doesn't mean you're going backward. It means an old wound is being touched with awareness. So here's a moment of truth. Healing doesn't always bring more people into your life immediately. Sometimes it creates space for us. And that space can feel terrifying if connection once required self-abandonment. But that space is also where aligned connection grows. You were not too much. You were just too unprotected. Say this slowly if it resonates. I wasn't too much. I was responding to too little safety. Security isn't about shrinking. It's about no longer needing to fight to belong. If you feel emotional after this section, that makes sense. Grief is not a sign that you're healing wrong. It's a sign that you're healing honestly.