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From the perspective of a man who manipulated and conned his way through 30 years of addiction… supporting your addict before, during and after they go into treatment.
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From the perspective of a man who manipulated and conned his way through 30 years of addiction… supporting your addict before, during and after they go into treatment.
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From the perspective of a man who manipulated and conned his way through 30 years of addiction… supporting your addict before, during and after they go into treatment.
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Jason, the host of the Loudness McEvil Symposium, shares brutally honest advice on supporting addicts without losing yourself. He emphasizes prioritizing your well-being and setting firm boundaries. Drawing from personal experience battling extreme addiction, he stresses the need for a support network and professional help. Strategies include cutting financial support, documenting behavior, researching treatment options in advance, setting consequences, and coordinating with specialists and family members. Jason warns against enabling and urges proactive intervention to save lives. Recovery requires a united front and a tough approach to combat addiction effectively. Welcome back, everybody, to another episode of the Loudness McEvil Symposium. The not-a-therapy session for people who don't require professionalism, kid gloves, or therapists. I'm your host, Jason, and today I'm diving into something that might actually save lives. A brutally honest, carefully constructed plan for supporting an addict or alcoholic without losing your mind in the process. Because the only fast and hard rule you need to have when dealing with loved ones with substance abuse disorder is you come first. Remember that. It's the only rule. You come first. Protect yourself and everyone else from the addict. Your job is not to protect the addict. This might sting a bit, but no matter who's gotten, what's gotten them, or why they've gotten to this place, it's too late for that. And if you let them, they will drain your bank account, your trust, your empathy, and your love until you don't want to try to help anyone ever again, and you'll resent them beyond repair. But before we start, let me be crystal clear. This all comes from my own personal experience crawling out of the addiction hellhole and watching others do the same, or more often than not, die trying. This isn't academic theory from someone who read about it in a book. This is actual intelligence that I gained over years of experience. But the caveat is my experiences are extreme in nearly every aspect. I was addicted for decades. I used a broad spectrum of very dangerous drugs. I was homeless for a long time. I was arrested occasionally. And I lived in a hell that most people can't even imagine, and why would they want to try? The fact that I survived is extremely rare for someone in my position. Most people who go as deep as I did don't make it back. And I'm telling you this not to compare addiction stories or play who had it worse, because that's bullshit. Sick is sick. Addiction is addiction. Whether you're a weekend binge drinker, or a problem gambler, or someone shooting heroin in abandoned buildings, this disease operates the same way. It just progresses at different speeds and destroys different things first. I'm speaking from the perspective of severe addiction because I'm trying to prevent people from getting to where I was. Nobody should ever have to experience that level of hell. If my experience can help someone recognize where their path leads, maybe they'll get help before they lose everything that matters to them. Starting life over from the deep hole I dug myself into when most people my age are thinking about retirement is really, really hard. Don't let it get that far if you can help it. For specific addiction advice tailored to your particular nightmare, you can visit my website www.loudnessinpeople.com for a comprehensive list of North American resources. Or better yet, well, more fun, if not better, talk to the Loudness Mageeble AI agent powered by 11 Labs. I've trained it with my voice and personality, so you can ask it any addiction-related question and get answers that sound like me, but with less swearing and more patience. Before we dive into the tactical stuff, we need to address the elephant wearing the I-can-handle-this-myself t-shirt in the room. Nobody recovers alone. Nobody supports recovery alone. This is not a solo mission. In my recovery, I had at least a dozen people who were instrumental in keeping me alive and sane-ish over the years. Every single person I met in treatment taught me something. Even the ones who relapsed and died taught me what didn't work. The janitor who's been sober for 20 years and loving life taught me humility. The people who died and ended up in landfills, like all of society's garbage, taught me that rock bottom is, well, it just doesn't exist. There's a term in recovery circles, terminally unique. It describes people who believe they're different from everyone else, that their addiction isn't as bad or it's worse than everyone else's and no one can understand them, that their trauma is more complex, their circumstance is more challenging, their situation is more hopeless, or it's more manageable than anyone else's. Their ego tells them that they don't need help, that they can figure this out on their own, that they're smarter than the millions of people who've walked this path before them. These beliefs kill people, not metaphorically, literally. And notice I'm using that word correctly. It's a pet peeve of mine. They die from overdoses, liver failure, and suicide because they couldn't accept that recovery requires a village, not a hermit. And it has nothing to do with how smart you are or how strong you think you are. Addiction is smarter than you and stronger to the 10th power. An addict can't be helped if they won't accept help, and if they won't accept help, they won't recover. It's that simple. It's that brutal. The same goes for families. You can't support someone through recovery while isolating yourself from resources, support groups, and people being where you are. Your pride will kill both of you. There's three phases to recovery. Getting the person in there, actually being in treatment, and then what do you do after treatment? So let's start with the hardest part. Getting your person from active addiction into treatment. This is where most families mess up spectacularly because they approach it like negotiating a business deal instead of recognizing it for what it is. Psychological warfare against a disease that convinced your loved one that death is preferable to sobriety. First, you have to understand what you're up against. Active addiction has hijacked your loved one's brain's reward system, decision-making process, and survival instincts. The person you're trying to help literally cannot think clearly. Their brain is telling them that drugs or alcohol or their behavior is as necessary as oxygen and that everyone trying to help them is a threat to their survival. It sounds dramatic, but that is what's happening. You're not reasoning with the person you love. You're negotiating with a hijacked brain that views you as the enemy. Forget everything you've seen on TV about interventions. Professional interventions can work, but they require professional interventionists. Extensive planning and everyone involved has to be committed to following through on any consequences. And the addict, especially, has to be on board. Half-assed living room interventions usually just teach addicts how to manipulate their families more effectively. So what actually works from my own perspective? Remove all financial support immediately. Stop giving them money for anything. Don't pay their rent, their phone bill, their car payment. Don't buy them groceries or just give them $20 for gas or whatever they're asking for. Every dollar you give them is a dollar that goes to drugs or alcohol or their VLT or whatever their thing is, even when their story sounds legitimate. Actually, even when it is legitimate. If they put your money into their gas tank, it allows their money to go into themselves. You have to decide how much of yourself you're willing to give to their addiction. But remember the rule. This isn't your fault and you don't have to bankroll it. Document everything. Keep records of their behavior, legal issues, health problems, and incidents. You might need this for insurance approval, if that's applicable where you live, court proceedings, or involuntary commitment procedures. Or even just as a reminder in the future. You can create an album of all this stuff and gift it to them when they graduate from their rehab. Take photos of drug paraphernalia, property damage, or physical deterioration. It sounds harsh, but documentation can save lives. Research all of your treatment options before you need them. Don't wait for them to agree to treatment to start looking. Insurance pre-approval can take days or weeks. In Canada, where most treatment is free, long waiting lists exist. Have three treatment centers already connected with paperwork ready, insurance verified, and admission procedures understood. When they say yes, you need to move immediately. The window of your person's willingness closes fast. I mean like minute to minute. Set immovable consequences. Get help or lose housing. Treatment or no family contact. Recovery or no financial support. The consequences must be severe enough to outweigh their fear of getting sober. And you must be prepared to follow through, even if it means watching them become homeless or go to jail. That's on them. Use professional help addiction counselors. Family therapists specializing in addiction and intervention specialists exist for a reason. Use them. Your family therapist who deals with addiction sometimes isn't enough. I've wasted other people's money on them a few times, and they're great people, but they're not helpful. You need specialists who understand the specific psychology of addiction. And addicts, if you're listening, if you're ignoring a counselor or therapist because they weren't unlucky enough to suffer with addiction, that's just a cop-out. They know more about your brain than you do, so stop complaining about things that don't matter and just listen up. You have to coordinate your response. Every family member and close friend needs to be on the same page. If you're all cutting off financial support, everyone cuts off financial support. If the consequence is no contact until after treatment, that means grandma can't just check in on them and accidentally give them money for food. This is life or death. You have to treat it like that, no matter how hard or how heart-wrenching their cries are. The faster everyone gets on board, the faster the train gets rolling, and the sooner the pain ends for everyone. Don't ignore legal options. Many jurisdictions have involuntary commitment laws for substance abuse. Police can sometimes transport people to treatment instead of jail. I've been taken to shelters by police with lots of meaningful talks by the police. Courts can order treatment as part of probation. Learn what option exists in your area before you need them. I ended up in a program called Drug Treatment Court. Many cities have it now in the U.S. and Canada. There are also mental health courts now. If your person is in trouble, get their lawyer to apply. It's really hard once they're in there. It's not hard to get in, but it's really hard for your person once they're in there. But it's really worthwhile if they want their lives to be better. So you've got your addicts into treatment, and we'll assume that they're there willingly and intentionally. If they're only going because of your ultimatum, I mean, at least they're going, and they'll be fed and relatively safe for a time. But cross your fingers that they decide that they want this. Otherwise, they will be back, which is honestly difficult. And I don't like saying this because addicts use anything as an excuse to keep using and drinking or whatever. But the average number of treatment attempts before real sobriety varies from alcohol, which I believe is around six, to opioids, which, I mean, I don't think there is a ceiling. At least as high as a dozen. That's how many times it took me. But persistence is the key. But listen up, addict. You can lower the averages. You can save yourself so much time and pain if you just put in the effort today. For the love of Pete, I've included a list of American and Canadian numbers in the description, so you can call if you're shopping for a treatment center near you. Help is easy to find. So you've got your person into treatment. Congratulations. You've successfully completed the hardest part. Now comes the second hardest part. Not messing it all up by being too involved or not supportive enough. It's really no problem. You can do this. The family program is not optional. Most treatment centers have family programs. Attend them. All of them. Even the ones that seem stupid or repetitive. You need to understand the recovery process. What your person is learning and how to support their new coping mechanisms instead of accidentally undermining them. So set communication boundaries. Attend scheduled family sessions. Ask the pros how you can support their recovery. Read as much as you can online. Listen to me. Or watch videos. They can be a snooze fest, but it's all very important and pertinent. I personally like the ones on how addicts' brains work. They're the most enlightening and they were the most helpful for me to understand what I was going through, what I am going through. I nearly got complacent there. That's a big mistake. My sobriety will be my life's work, which I think is awesome. I get to sculpt my own life now instead of being a smudge of clay on the floor. Learn about their treatment program and aftercare plans. They're all different. And express pride in their decision to get help. Having people be proud of you instead of disappointed in you promotes continuing when time gets horrible, and they will get horrible. Recovery is messy and we have to face the wreckage we've left in our wake and we have to try to clean it up, repair what we can. It's daunting and overwhelming and a little bit of cheerleading goes a long way. Overbearing cheerleading is suffocating though. So celebrate milestones and be understanding. That's enough. Sweep conversations focused on their recovery and their near future. Anything beyond tomorrow is irrelevant. Right now is the only thing any of us have some control over. If we're always focused on doing what's right right now, eventually it will be second nature. Future tripping is no good for anybody. And the past is gone, so let it go. Don't discuss family drama, financial problems, or relationship issues during early treatment. Don't bring up past grievances or things they did while using. Don't ask for apologies or promises about the future. Don't try to control their treatment experience and don't take their mood swings or anger personally. You have to manage your own expectations. Treatment isn't a magic bullet. The person isn't going to emerge from a 30-day rehab as the person they were before addiction. That person will emerge, hopefully one day, changed, evolved, but right now they're going to be learning to live without their primary coping mechanism, which means they'll be emotionally volatile, scared, and probably angry. They might hate treatment. I guarantee you they'll say they do. They might hate their counselors. They might hate you for forcing them into treatment. This is normal. Their brain is still healing, and healing hurts. That hijacked brain is screaming at them not to listen to all of the bullshit about promises of a better life. They just need one more drink or hit. You have to stick with your financial boundaries during treatment. Continue the no-money policy. Treatment centers provide what they need. They don't need money for toiletries or phone calls or emergencies. They need to learn to live without having access to your wallet as a safety net. I think it's cool to send them a care package of suits and books and clothes and smokes if you're willing, but just no cash. When you're preparing for discharge, don't wait until that day to plan after care. Work with the treatment team to understand what type of sober living they need, what outpatient treatment they'll attend, what support groups they plan to join, what their daily structure will look like, what medications they'll be taking, what triggers you need to help them avoid, and remember the one and only rule, protect yourself. Who's the most likely to get complacent and accidentally fuck up where treatment started? Recovery isn't a 30-day process or 60 or 90 or even a year. It's a lifetime reconstruction project, and the first year is the most dangerous. The person coming out of treatment isn't the same person who went in, and they're not the person they were before addiction. They're someone new, learning to navigate the world without chemicals. You're essentially getting to know a stranger who happens to have your loved one's face and memories. Don't expect them to slot back into their old role in the family. They can't be the person they used to be. That person developed an addiction. They need to become someone entirely different. In my opinion, sober living shouldn't be optional. If they're serious about recovery, they need sober living. Not staying with family, not moving back in with friends who still drink, not trying it on their own. Sober living with other people in recovery with rules, accountability, and support. This might mean that they can't come home for a few months or a year, but you need to deal with it. Your ego's desire to have them close is less important than their need for a recovery-focused environment. This is what recovery-supportive relationships look like. Regular, consistent contact that doesn't revolve around crisis management, their crisis. Activities that don't involve substances or places where substances are present. Conversations about their recovery goals, work, healthy relationships, and interests. Support for their meeting attendance, therapy appointments, and recovery activities. Respect for their new boundaries and lifestyle changes. Some of the red flags that they're struggling are if they're isolating from recovery-support groups or activities, returning to their old friendships with people who still use, if they become defensive about their whereabouts or activities, they have money problems or they're requesting financial help, they have mood swings that seem disproportionate to their circumstances, they're missing therapy appointments or outpatient treatment, they're romanticizing their past drug use or, in quotes, their good times. Your recovery has to continue too, for a lifetime. Your recovery from the trauma of loving an addict doesn't end when they get sober. You've developed unhealthy coping mechanisms through relationship patterns and emotional responses that need ongoing attention. Continue or start attending Al-Anon meetings, Nar-Anon, or family therapy. Learn to have relationships that aren't based on crisis management. Rebuild your identity around something other than managing someone else's problems. Most people relapse at least once. When, not if, this happens, you don't start over from square one with consequences and boundaries. The consequences need to become more severe, the boundaries become more rigid, and your support becomes more conditional. Second relapse, say no contact until they've completed treatment again. Third relapse, no financial support, no housing assistance, no family events until they demonstrate long-term sobriety. And long-term sobriety is something that you will have to determine for yourself. And this isn't cruel, it's realistic. Addiction is a chronic disease, but that doesn't mean you have to accept chronic chaos in your life. Supporting someone in recovery requires your own team of professionals and peers. A family therapist specializing in addiction. Your own individual therapist. Addiction counseling for family consultation. A financial advisor maybe. Addiction destroys family finances. An attorney for legal issues related to their addiction. For peer support, you can go to Al-Anon. There's online support groups for families of addicts. There's other families who've been through this process who I'm sure would be happy to talk to you. Friends who understand why you can't just move on. And there's lots of resources out there. You need to become familiar with them. Treatment centers in your area and their specializations. Sober living facilities and their requirements. Legal options, period. If necessary, insurance coverage for addiction treatment and local support group meetings and schedules. All of that is really important for you. Recovery rates for addiction aren't great. Depending on the substance and the type of addiction you're dealing with, the recovery rate can vary. It can vary from person to person, depending on the type of addiction you're dealing with, depending on the type of addiction you're dealing with. Recovery rates aren't great. Depending on the substance and the person, 40 to 80% of people will relapse within the first year. Some will try multiple times and never achieve lasting sobriety. And some will die in the process. You cannot love someone into sobriety. You cannot care them into recovery. You cannot sacrifice yourself on the altar of their addiction and expect anything but resentment from both of you. What you can do is create an environment where recovery is supported and addiction is not enabled. You can maintain boundaries that protect your peace while offering genuine support for their recovery efforts. You can love them without funding their destruction. Some people get sober and stay sober and rebuild their lives into something beautiful. Others don't. Your job isn't to guarantee their success. Your job is to support genuine recovery efforts while protecting yourself from addiction's collateral damage. This episode barely scratches the surface of what families need to know about support and recovery. Like I said earlier, there's comprehensive resources on my website, latinusforpeople.com, for specific questions about your situation. You can talk to the Latinus for People AI agent. It's trained on my experience and personality. So you'll get brutally honest answers without the wait time for an actual human response. But remember, recovery is possible. But it takes professional help, community support, and family members who understand that love without boundaries isn't love. It's enabling dressed up as virtue. Before you go, if this episode helped you understand what you're really up against, share it with other families who are drowning in someone else's addiction. Text it to that relative who keeps giving money to their addicted adult child just to help them get back on their feet. Forward it to parents who think love alone will save their kid. The message is simple. Recovery is possible, but it requires everyone involved to accept help, set boundaries, and commit to the long-term process of rebuilding lives that addiction has destroyed. Now here comes the part where I beg. Now for money, I'm not selling you vitamins and a tease or inspirational mugs. I'm just asking you to do the free thing that actually helps me keep this thing going. Hit subscribe, share this with someone who might need it, and leave a review. Why? Because the algorithm is basically a needy toddler that only pays attention when you clap loudly. And right now, I'm whispering into the void, trying to compete with cat videos, conspiracy grifters, and whatever Joe Rogan is tripping on this week. That's all for today's episode. Next time, I don't know what I'm going to talk about, but I hope you're there to hear it. Until then, get help, give help, but don't sacrifice yourself trying to save someone who won't save themselves. Thanks for watching.
