Ending therapy

The speaker shares that they have decided to give up therapy because they feel they have gotten all they can from it. They appreciate having someone to talk to who listens, but they don't need therapy anymore. They reflect on the experience of therapy and how it allowed them to express their thoughts freely. They also reflect on the fact that they don't have anyone in their life currently who listens to them in the same way. They mention making recordings but not knowing if anyone is listening to them. While they don't regret ending therapy, they do miss having someone to talk to who really listens. They also mention that they would have liked to know more about their therapist and have a more personal connection. They acknowledge that therapy was valuable for them and allowed them to continue even when not in the same location. They express a longing for someone to listen to them in real time and connect with them. Tomorrow will be the first day that I won't have therapy. I gave it up. I'm not sure if I mentioned it or if you understand that. I gave it up and I think it was the right thing to do. I knew that I had got all that I could get from it and they weren't pushing me to leave, even though it was being given to me free and I'd been with them for over a year. I could have continued. The only reason I would have continued is because I do like talking to somebody who's listening to me. I would prefer that to be a friend, of course, but in reality, the therapist does it really well. And even though she's paid to be there, it's her job to do this, to give me this hour, the freedom to talk, to give me space to express my thought, very similar in many ways to what I'm doing now. As I'm talking, I might pause and then I'll carry on. There's nobody here to interrupt, to say anything, to respond. And in many cases, in most cases, that's how it is with the therapist. I'm talking, expressing a thought, I pause, I carry on. She doesn't just jump in. She may say something at some point, but I have time to say what it is I want to say, to go where I want to go. It's my hour, my time. So giving up that was the side effect of realising that I don't actually need to do therapy anymore. I just am also giving up talking to somebody who's really listening. Well, I say that, I mean, it could be said that if you're listening to this recording, you're really listening, because you can't respond to it as it's a recording. You can't just say something as if it was a conversation that would actually change the direction that it goes in. You can, of course, reply to it and say whatever you like. So in many ways, if somebody is listening to my recording, then a very similar thing is happening that happened with the therapist. Obviously, with a therapist, she might take me in a particular therapeutical direction. There were a number of times when I had said quite a few words before she said something else, and I realised that she hadn't quite comprehended what I'd said. And I didn't blame her, because I'd said a lot of words, and I can't expect anyone to grasp the picture I have, the way I connect the dots, the way I see things, and the bigger picture for me. No one else can really do that, no matter how clear and concise and revealing I am. It's just not going to happen. So I don't expect her. I never expect her to do that, and I'm actually surprised when, on the odd occasion, she says something that reveals that she is really listening. And I appreciate it, or I appreciated it. Now, I don't have really anything where I get the sense that someone is really listening. Even though you might be listening, you might have really listened, in order to have said something in passing, referring to what you'd heard, and then reflecting back something that relates to you. You would have had to have listened in order to have done that. But I don't get a sense of it, because I'm over here, and there's no connection. There's nothing happening in real time. It's not the same. I miss it. So I'm just reflecting on the fact that, while I don't regret ending the therapy, I do miss losing the therapist. But I knew it had to happen. I knew it would have to happen at some point. And in a sense, she even said, look, we could phase it out, you know, we could set a date in the future, a few weeks. I said, no, no need. It just stops. It just stops. I don't need to be weaned. And how would I make the most of the session, knowing that it's ending? So it should just stop. She understood. And it was actually very nice. She said, is there anything you would like to say? Anything you would like to say to me? And it gave me an opportunity to appreciate her. Yeah, appreciate the therapy. It was nice. It was a good ending, I felt. And I don't do endings very well. So I noticed. But all I've got really now is this. I mean, I've made quite a few recordings that I haven't shared, at least not directly. I have uploaded them to my audio site, but I have no way of knowing if anyone is listening. And I haven't sent anyone a link directly, or you, I suppose I should say, I haven't sent you any of those links directly. And I'm not exactly sure why. And unlike, say, YouTube, where you can be notified when something new is posted, it's, there's a record of how many people watch or like. There's none of that on this audio site. I have no information, which on the one hand I like, because it doesn't give me a sense of anything, and on the other hand, don't like. It would be nice to know. Although, of course, if no one listened, that wouldn't be nice to know. So this way it's a bit like Schrodinger's cat. Someone could be listening or not listening, but I just won't know, unless they make it their business for me to know. So, yeah. I don't expect people in my present, in my actual reality, to be able to hear me, at least for longer than just a moment, really. Once, one moment here and there. And even then. So I'm not really in a state where I can express myself well. Because even if I feel like I could do so, something would interrupt it. Somebody would come, a phone would go off, the timing, there's many things that just interfere with being able to be in the present without distraction, without pressure, without future, and just talk about something. Hear each other's words. Connect. I like it. It's been a long time since I've had it. Now, obviously, with a therapist, it's only one-sided. There is no situation, no moment, where she starts talking about her life, her personal situation, and confides in me, which would probably happen in a friend conversation. There were a couple of moments where she used an example that was sort of outside of therapy to make a point, but of course nothing in that was in any way personal. And of course I understood that. Perhaps a therapist isn't there to reveal their personal life, but that's missing in a sense, so I don't get to listen, and I actually want to. I would have loved to have known something about her for it to have become less therapist-client and more friend. Maybe in a different life we could have been friends. Who knows? I liked her as the therapist. She was good for me. I just needed somebody who could give me space and make me feel like they are listening, which is much harder to do when it's just on the phone. If you're in the office looking at them, you know if they're listening or not. On the phone you have to take it on trust in many ways. But I did, and it worked. And actually I preferred it. I actually thought originally that it wouldn't be so valuable because I wasn't actually in the same room. But as it turned out, I quite liked it. And it allowed me to actually leave the area entirely and still continue therapy without having to go anywhere else. That couldn't have happened if it was just at the office once a week. So therapy was... I was very happy for it. And I've talked about this before, obviously. It's not the first time I've brought it up. And many people, other people, have had differing kinds of experience in their therapeutic. Many have not found it constructive. It becomes a problem. Not everyone can really open up well. Yeah. It's interesting. I don't know. I think you're still undergoing some kind of therapy or psychiatry, psychotherapy. It's still ongoing, but maybe not very regular. You allude to it sometimes. It may be a different kind of thing. Regular weekly therapy is a very specific thing. And I suppose even once a fortnight, it came around quickly enough to make me feel like I didn't need even that. And I suppose I could have tried once a month. I'm sure she would have done that. And yet, nah, I figured I should just stop this now. I'm OK. I don't need the therapeutic support. My leg was healed. It's time to take the crutch off. Time to take the cast off, throw the crutch away, and just walk. But I do miss having someone to talk to who will listen in real time. It's been a long time since I've had a friend who does that. I have had them, but it's been a long time. And it might be a long time until I have one again. Very nice.