Not wanting anyone to follow him

Lou was a unique and loved person who didn't want to be followed. He had epilepsy and refused medication. He left society and worked at a Jewish girls camp. He eventually found a soulmate in Florida. The speaker can't have casual relationships due to past complications. They have a strange connection with a homeless man but don't engage in deeper conversation. Lou was always adamant he didn't want anyone to follow him. And the reason that he was adamant and made a statement like that was because people did. People would. People loved him. He was so unique. Most people never met him, but a lot of people knew him online and loved what he had to say and how he said it. His voice was so clear and so real that even in text form he found a way to break through the lack of facial, body language, tone of voice, eye contact. But when you were in his presence, with all of that back in play, the experience was so profound sometimes that you would just follow him. You would just stay with him. You would keep, you would walk. If he went that way, you went that way. You wanted to be around him because you knew that when you were around Lou, everything would be alright. He was able to take care of things and deal with things and deal with people in a way that was powerful, with heart. But people misunderstood him terribly and he was profoundly epileptic and would have seizures regularly and absolutely refused medication, would not want to go to the hospital, would fight the police, the paramedics, if anybody attempted to do that to him. And he was a formidable fighter. But eventually, after becoming involved in enough people and causing enough pain to everybody as a result, and feeling like the being used by others, expected to do for others instead of them doing for themselves because Lou could do what others couldn't do, so they just deferred to him, he left. He didn't want anything to do, he didn't want any more to do with people. He went into the Catskills in upstate New York and just to the woods. I don't know how long or how much time he spent alone but he spent time alone and eventually he ended up working as an assistant to the caretaker of a Jewish girls camp in the area. I don't know how that came about, I never asked him, it never came up. But it gave him somewhere to be. In the off-season, which was ten months of the year, it was a ghost town. There was nobody around. He had an interesting relationship with the chief rabbi there and the chief rabbi's wife. He always had connections with women. And he also was kind of looked after by the caretaker and he also helped the caretaker. His work ethic was so strong that he could do much more of the work than the caretaker had to. He wanted to, which made it easier for the caretaker. While they both worked at this Jewish girls camp, neither of them were Jewish, so they were always peripheral. I came to see him at that camp in the off-season, so it was completely deserted. I never saw the rabbi, I never saw any of the activity. I can't imagine the three thousand girls that would be there over the summer period. It would just have been chaos to me. But his feeling of not wanting to be followed was so important to him because of what would happen if he showed too much, cared too much, did too much for people. They just loved him and it was smothering, overwhelming. He couldn't breathe and many wanted to have a relationship with him. And in the earlier days he let that happen and it led to much, much grief. A number of kids, different mums, but so much aggravation, so much complication, so much emotion that he had to be so careful because he was so powerful that his temper could make him do things, his seizures could bring out the demon. He was unstoppable and he didn't want to be that person. He didn't want to cause other people harm. So as an act of love he took himself away and that's when I met him. And I could have stayed with him, he wanted me to, his few friends wanted me to. And I almost did and I should have, but there was too much that was not finished, not closed. And I needed to, I felt like I needed to go back to do that. So eventually as a deterioration of his health he ended up in Florida with a woman who had actively wanted to be, have him in her life for many, many years. Who would turn out to be from his own mouth his soul mate. She was just perfect for him, he just didn't realise it. He didn't know that that's what would happen, in fact he discovered that he'd been carrying a photograph of her in his wallet for years and he had no idea who she was. But she knew him and she wasn't like the other followers. And she was able to look after him, she was a nurse actually, she was able to look after him and her kids, one of whom was catastrophically disabled, ASD3. And his kids, not all of them, they were grown up, many of whom had nothing to do with him now. But the kids that had struggled with their mother who was a heroin addict were now living all under the one roof. And he was getting to have the relationship with his kids, those kids and a family that he absolutely needed because they were able to look after him when he dropped in a way that he really needed and had so many times had to deal with alone, completely and totally alone. Head banged up, way hit, whatever he hit as he went down, tongue chewed up during the seizure. He had the worst epilepsy that you can have, that was his diagnosis, amongst other things. Schizoid, affective disorder, hallucinations in all five senses. It was remarkable what he experienced and what he dealt with for the vast majority of the time he experienced all of that alone. Other people caused such a reaction in him that he would rather be alone than lash out at them in reaction which he was capable of doing. He was so real, so honest, so authentic. His journey had given him something I had never come across before. Now I'm not saying that I've had people follow me but I have experienced making some people feel love towards me that I've believed or accepted in a personal way, as a specific way, allowed it and only to create hardship and misery as a result. That it can't stay, it wasn't ever real, it was an infatuation at best and I've allowed it because it has led to physical sexual which having had long periods of time without it seems more desirable as a result. I, in my own way, avoid that now so that I don't generate feelings in other people, at least not in a way that can materialise, anything can happen. So virtually people who live on the other side of the world, people who I'll never see, have never seen, may never ever see but yet somehow can still be real with them because there's no danger of anything happening. All of that sort of danger of things happening took place in the first van. There were several people I had relationships with virtually where I was ready to go there to them, I just thought I had to, I had to make a journey, I've got to go visit this one who lived in Michigan or that one who lived in Australia. So I came close-ish in a way but because I talked about it and talked about it and actually for them there was a danger that it could become real they backed away because actually they couldn't really deal with it. They could only deal with it, they only wanted to deal with it in a virtual sense whereas I felt like I needed to make it physical because that was the only form of relationship that made any sense to me. Now, the people, the majority of the communication I have is virtual and there's no desire for anything more to come from it. As far as things physical are concerned I avoid it for the most part, I don't even really spend time with other people. The only person I really spend time with is Eliza, she's so strange that actually it's not normal, it's not easy to define it as to even what's taking place. I just feel smothered by the attention of someone who I have somehow connected with who has felt something that they actually want to explore but then discover that I'm not really open to that. I'm not exactly sure what I'm open to and I am appreciative of genuine affection and kindness but I certainly can't do anything or encourage anything further more because I know that that won't be in my interest, it won't work for me. It would only create problems that I have found my way out of experiencing and all for what is essentially an illusion, a chemically induced thing, a feeling of something that actually one once experienced isn't anything like the feeling that comes about to encourage it. I have always found the sexual side of things difficult to deal with, the smells, the fluids, the complexity, the need to give, to do, too much it just overwhelms me very quickly. While I can accept the attention of someone else that doesn't continue because they also need reciprocation and that can't continue and before long it's not something I can do anymore. And so you'd think it would lay down, it would make it more easy for me to have, you know, non, what do you call it, simple relationships, one night stands, I don't even know the terminology because it's not something I could ever do. You know, non-romantic, I mean people have apps that they can use to hook up with other people for non-committal, consensual sexual encounters that don't go anywhere. And I couldn't do anything like that because I can only give that to somebody that I'm looking to be connected to, that I feel connected to. It's too special to just use it as a kind of entertainment to get what I want. If I give, I make love, if I make love that I connect, if I just get what I want I take, yes I don't have any, but without the emotion, what is it? Just an exchange of fluids, a momentary, and that's it, a selfish. And I know what that's like and I don't like the way it makes me feel. So I don't get involved in that. The only way I can somehow, I can sort of have a feeling, a need to release in a situation where it's not appropriate or the other person isn't available or they're asleep. They're my partner but they're there and they're asleep and I don't want to wake them as if because I want this you've got to partake. But yet I still need to do something so I do something gently, quietly, by myself with their presence assisting it and that works. But there's even a price to pay for that because my libido drops and I'm no longer interested in the active side of those things when they want to be involved with me and end up preferring the solitary side which is essentially a masturbatory act. Which is what needs to be done when one needs to release. With my first wife she actually helped me do that without requiring any form of reciprocation. It was a kindness, a service even though I think she felt obligated to do it rather than be giving it willingly which I thought she was. Some of that was probably my fault. So that's why I keep myself to myself except I can talk to a bloke. I haven't. There are a few of the homeless guys I see. There's one guy in particular who is very different to the others. He's been on the street for seven years, carries his bags. You can see he smells, he's dirty. But there's something about him. When he eats his breakfast I might be sitting near him. Sometimes he just eats one bean at a time of his baked beans. It's almost like he's making it last, not taking it for granted. I've seen him sitting in the library. It's a bit smelly. I don't go near him. But outside one can be upwind and sometimes when I come to get my food he's just standing there having got his already eaten. No one's talking to him. He has a strange voice, strange speech, a little bit of a lisp. He's very high pitched. He's weird. But I think he's a good person in there. And clearly he is able to deal with the situation he's in. And yet I don't stop and talk to him. I acknowledge him. Alright, how are you you might say. Yeah, not bad I say. I get my food and I say alright, cheers, see you later. And I go. I don't stop. How are you doing? Where are you sleeping? Where have you been hanging out? How long have you been on the road? I don't ask him about his story. It's probably interesting, like where do you originally come from? What made you choose to come? How come you're now here in Cornwall? And so on. I could do it and I thought about doing it just today. But I know that if I open the door to doing that, like I did recently with a guy in another van who parked here, he was an ex-monk actually. And yet when we talked I discovered that he had a very interesting sexual perversion. Had a lot of trouble just by being bisexual. But he was into sort of more kink, the kinky side of stuff, S&M. And it was interesting, such a contrast in many ways. But he was really, you know, sure of himself. You know, he knew what he liked, what he wanted. Had had lots of experiences. A lot of complications and troubles had come from it, but that's part of the parcel. He wasn't concerned with not having all of that complication and let go of his kink. No, he wanted that. That was important to him. And we talked about it. But I realised that I couldn't really connect with him as a result. His focus on the sexual side of things. Even though I recognised that it could be interesting to have some of the experiences he talked about, I just could never get... I would be swallowed up by anybody who would do that. And maybe that's not a bad thing, but I've already experienced that sort of surrender experience where I've had to let go of myself and just trust and be in the hands of those I'm with. That's kind of what would happen if I was to get involved in something like that. Somebody who... some woman who can deal with that, she'd be very... to me she'd be quite powerful and I would just... she would just take over. Not that I'm saying I want to be dominated. I'm not saying that. But I couldn't assert myself that way because it would interfere... it would become egotistical for me. I don't know. It just doesn't feel right. I'm not saying... maybe it would be good for me. I've never experienced it so what do I know? But I can't make it happen. I'm not seeking it out. I don't feel confident that making that a thing is something I actually want. It might be something I want for five minutes but it won't be something I would want to continue because of the complication I think it would create. But he was all into that so off he went and I was glad of his departure. Even though we could talk. Even though it was very interesting to talk to him. Had he remained we would have had many, many more conversations. That guy who I've just mentioned, he wears this bright fluorescent red jumper with reflective strips on it all the time so I guess that makes it easier at night to be seen by cars. He's not hidden. He's not trying to hide. I could never have him in the van for example because he stinks. I almost couldn't finish my breakfast when he sat in the table opposite because the smell was so obnoxious that it was making me feel sick. I had to really concentrate on it, get it down quickly and get out. He always sits at the front, front there, so I'll sit at the back now. There's a window in between. That will probably stop any of that. But if you get too close it's too powerful. Now there is showers there but I don't know if he uses them. He's carrying three big bags. I don't know if he changes his clothes often or he can have them washed there. I don't know if he's doing any of that. He's a strange one. The homeless people are... and he's not an outki. He's not a druggy. There's no smell of alcohol. He's never drinking anything. He's just a strangeness and he could be autistic. So he's been here a week. If it wasn't for the fact that I eat breakfast I would sit at the table but I could stand for a moment perhaps just before I get my food. Maybe only a minute's talk but I could say more than I do. See what happens.