2024-03-03 I am not an athiest

The speaker struggles to answer the question of whether they believe in God. They reject atheism but find it difficult to define their beliefs. They have had experiences that made them feel connected to something bigger than themselves, but they don't try to define it. They question the certainty of beliefs and argue that even scientists can't be certain about everything. They appreciate both religious and atheist perspectives but prefer not to label or define their own beliefs. They acknowledge the comfort and community that religious beliefs can provide but prioritize being true to themselves. They believe in something more but don't feel the need to hold onto or evangelize their beliefs. A few times in my life, someone has said to me, Do you believe in God? Every time I've had that moment, I have no idea how to answer that. Anything I say seems to be wrong. I can't say everything, I don't know what everything is. So the only thing that makes any sense, really, is to say, I'm not an atheist. But anything else creates confusion. It's not comfortable for me. The answer I'm giving doesn't feel right. I would need a lot of time. Perhaps something like one of these monologues. And nobody is sitting there in stillness, listening to me find an answer for them, that they're so interested in what I have to say, that they don't say another word until I stop talking, even if there are pauses. So in many ways, I'm glad that I'm not asked that question. I'm not an atheist. But I can say that over the course of my life, there have been stronger beliefs, nothing ever religious, even from the very early days, being born into a religion, but yet, living with hypocritical parents, secular, I couldn't handle it. It would have made more sense to have been around orthodox, devout, sincere. That would have made more sense, because at least they were being honest. All that did was create confusion in me, especially as they sent me to an unorthodox religious primary school, which I ended up having to reject. I had no choice. When I became an adult and started to experience the world, for the most part, it didn't matter. It wasn't relevant. I felt something. I knew I wasn't an atheist, but I could never define it, would never try to define it. When my life changed and I set off on the closest I could describe as a spiritual path, I felt connected to something bigger than myself. I felt supported, looked after, guided, and that was the closest I could say God was with me, or I was with God. It made sense. It might not have been God, but it was more than me. It humbled me, and I accepted the reality without having to define it philosophically as the years passed. I let go of a great deal of that. Let go of believing anything about the experiences I had that certainly revealed that life was far more mystical, magical than I had imagined, even though by that point I had read the autobiography of a yogi, many spiritual teachings and philosophies, so that while it wasn't a surprise in that sense that something could happen, it was a surprise that something did happen, even though I wanted it to. The strange thing was that even though it did happen, and even though at the time I thought that that gave me something certain, as time went on, even that began to be uncertain. Was I really sure about the conclusions I came to? Can I really carry any kind of belief about any idea that I have, any interpretation of any perception, of any experience? All of it is so subjective and it depends so much on how I am, the state of mind I'm in, where I am, what's going on for me. So much seems to create the illusion of reality that can be so certain one moment and so completely let go of the next. And it seems to me that in order to have any kind of definitive answer, do I believe in God, I would have to have some structural beliefs in which to base it on, a foundation of some beliefs that I carry, in a sense a closed mind. I found something, I know something, I think this is how it is and I don't have to explore it any further. In other words, that old saying, don't bother me with the truth, I've already made my mind up, I've never been like that, I could never be like that. So the only thing that makes sense is to have no truth, to hold no belief, to not be certain. And all I can say is, I'm not an atheist, because that would also be certain and in many ways atheism, to me anyway, is also a belief, is also a religion, in many ways for many people. They've decided, there isn't, based on whatever, and they hold firm to it and they develop their arguments and their logic to back it up. And it's no one's job to convince anyone that they may not be correct, that there may be other ways, other things, that they may actually be experiencing what for them feels very real, because they've created that reality out of the belief that they've decided to hold. So, if I go beyond belief, or if I let go of belief, which I suppose is the same thing, and I don't replace those beliefs with other beliefs, then do I believe in God? Is there a God? I can't answer that. A quick answer, no, of course not. But that's only in the idea that you might have of God. So then if I have a sense of what God could be, I have to now give you a definition, an understanding that you get, which you may never get. It wouldn't matter how long I spoke for or what words I used. You may or may not believe in God, but that doesn't mean that what you hear me say will make any sense to you whatsoever. It certainly may not make you go, You know what? I thought something was true and now I believe something else. I've heard something revelatory from him. It's unlikely. All I might say is, it doesn't matter. Believe whatever you want. It makes no difference as long as you feel good about it, as long as you don't feel closed about any other possibility. I find science, scientists in particular, whether they are atheists, as many might claim, have certain atheistic principles or policies or perspectives, as if even though they might say, Oh no, science is not certain. We don't know everything. In this moment they think they know as much as they can know. So that makes no sense to me because so much science has changed, so much understanding has changed over the last several hundred years that clearly things are going to change again. That's why I don't really like listening to scientists talk about what they know. And it doesn't even matter if it's something very, very clearly provable, repeatable through experiment because the machines that determine what the instruments have recorded and what that means can still change. There are scientists who believe in a God, something, who are not atheists, who know they are not atheists. And that's good. I like that when I come across it. And I don't ever really ask anyone if they believe in God. Usually to me it's either obvious or it doesn't matter. I'm only trying to deal with what's happening in this moment without having to define it or describe it or label it or decide I know something about it. Even if it feels familiar and seems like something I've experienced before, I haven't experienced it before. It's happening now for the first time. And who I am in this moment determines what I get from what takes place. If I'm with somebody who has a belief in God, I can relate even if it's a religious idea because I understand where they're coming from and I can feel connected to someone who has that more than I can feel connected to an atheist. And yet, I also like the atheist because they're not carrying superfluous, unnecessary ideas that they call beliefs that they hold tightly to. So they're often freer to open to exploring ideas that they may not believe but they don't have to dismiss or disparage out of hand just because. But it's fairly rare to come across really truly open-minded people who have taken a journey. There are many people who have been brought up religiously and then who have abandoned it because of the indoctrination that they were exposed to. The insistence that they comply, that they do, that they go, that they wear, that they put the right hat on, that they turn up in the right building at the right time, that they say the right words and all of that seems, is they're told all of that is very important. They know it isn't. And so when they're old enough, they reject it. They may or may not find something else to replace it with. They may or may not go on a journey to explore all kinds of different variations of something similar only to realise they don't need any of it. They don't have to cover themselves in some structure that they then attempt to include in every aspect and see every aspect of life through the lens that that creates. It may bring comfort to do so and many people are comforted by doing so. So in many ways it's a much lonelier type of existence to not have any of that, to not be a part of a community, to not have a family of like-minded people that one can rely on and one can give and share and participate in. I can see how supportive and comforting that could be and there are times when I would have really liked to have had it but I've never been able to. I just can't sustain being in any kind of situation where I feel like I'm not being myself in order to be there. That I'm having to be, I have to hide in order for them to assume I am like them. Yes, I can make it seem as if I'm not unlike them but the longer I'm there the more unlike them I feel. So the only thing that makes any sense is a direct connection between myself and what is more than me and in those moments sometimes fuelled by organic chemicals that encourage me, help me to open to perceive a vaster, grander idea whenever I have those experiences I'm in no doubt that there is more. I just can't and don't need to have it to hold it, to walk around with it in everyday, daily, second by second life. I can't be any kind of evangelist. I used to be. I used to espouse it. I used to offer it because I understood it and when I felt very connected to the idea I had of it I was able to articulate it in a way that for those who were also open but had not found anything solid they could be drawn to that and appreciate it and in return would give me a reflection that the things I said and how I had said them had made a difference and that made me feel good and I needed to feel good. I was looking to feel good. I liked that feeling. So it seemed like a win-win except it wasn't because if I'm expouting an idea that this is true and it feels like it's true and people believe something from it the moment I come across somebody who doesn't I am now affected. I have to defend myself or I have to give it up. I have to accept that in this instance anything I say is meaningless and that why should I have to defend? Well, in some ways what I'm doing is attempting to convince myself. Do I really know what I'm talking about? If I do then there isn't anything anyone should be able to say that should affect me and if it does if it causes me to question then what I'm saying can't be true. I don't understand it well enough and I'm not academic. What I say or feel comes out of my own experience comes out of my own sense of myself but if there's ego involved ego can take over and make it seem like I know something when I don't and once I've gone down that path of where I appear to know something but I don't I have to keep that illusion going else the ego collapses and I lose everything. I lose what I thought was a solid structure certainly felt like something I wanted to hold on to but I can't hold on to something that ultimately isn't real that's false or fake I can't even if I like what comes back when I do I can't have it because if I'm not real then anything that comes back that seems real ultimately won't be either it won't affect me it won't stay with me I have to let it go I didn't earn it and the strange thing is that because I don't do that anymore I'm not online talking to people with that having that there as a kind of background in everything that I say supporting me as if I am making a difference if I'm not doing that I'm not anything I'm nothing there's nothing of me because in a sense that was a character I was playing a part the spiritual man and like any good actor they can make a character seem very real and very convincing and people love it but they can't continue to live that character to make that character stay alive because it's not who they are even if they might have lived with that character while making that film for weeks or months if I'm being a character in the world I'm being that character for months or years and it's not real I'm living a delusion and eventually I have to wake up well let's assume that I woke up so what am I? without that delusion, without that character and without having to replace that character with a better version with a different character what am I? it must be what I was actually before I created that character before that character came to me before I used it to experience the world which gave me something I didn't maybe didn't know I was looking for but once I felt it once I found it I didn't want to let it go I have to return to that or I have to just become what I have become which is less much less the ego is still there and sometimes I notice it but it's less noticeable I still have to do things that having an ego would help me tremendously and so I struggle with having to use it when I am not really doing it well like a muscle that's not exercised you can't just start using it without causing problems it just won't work properly there'll be pain there'll be suffering that's what I experience but I prefer not to have to express myself through ego I mean it could be said that even this is ego just speaking now saying these things it has to pass through the ego the ego interfaces with the world without it I wouldn't be able to do any of this when I have taken although it has been many years strong psychedelic to the point where one experiences what can be described as ego death the sense of self just is no more the idea of me Simon my life my past my preferences they all disappear I am just as I am I just exist and I am aware of the experience I have without a mental state to describe it to define it to believe anything about it there's something very pure and honest about that experience but it can't be described it can't be held on to it's a temporary experience in a sense to remind me to help me remember what is actually real but the ego cannot have it the ego would just usurp it to make it seem as if it has something when it can never really have it for me anyone who appears to be like that is simply a character that they may very well believe in it may not be a manipulation or an attempt to deceive they could genuinely believe there could be a sense of sincerity which definitely makes it better but ultimately it is still a character and given enough time and if they are willing to be questioned it would become obvious so I am not an atheist that is something I think makes sense to me although often I feel like I might be because I simply cannot accept the ideas that I come across now as anything that I can believe to be true I can believe the sincerity of others some more than others but there are definitely people who I feel certain are in no doubt of what they feel they know but I don't know them and therefore I cannot accept anything that I am not experiencing and I am not experiencing anything that as far as I can tell that is clearly revealing something to me in the way that it did 35 years ago when I had no doubt of what was taking place was showing me that there was more to life than I had ever imagined and I have not the greatest memories of those I have the writings that I can look at but I don't really connect to him I know that I was him but I do not think like him act like him speak like him so am I him? I don't think so and who was he? just an idea just a version of this experience I call Simon