2024-02-22 choices not taken

The speaker reflects on the concept of multiple timelines and choices in life. They acknowledge that while they can imagine alternative paths, their current choices have shaped their experiences. They discuss the limitations and contentment of their current lifestyle, emphasizing the importance of inner peace and personal growth. They have simplified their life and avoid unnecessary interactions and experiences. They contemplate the idea of authenticity and struggle with distinguishing truth from illusion. They have let go of certain aspects of their life and find fulfillment in being true to themselves. They have minimal online presence and social engagement and prioritize living in the present moment. They acknowledge the absence of deep friendships and choose to avoid unnecessary interactions. They accept and embrace their current state and find value in being true to themselves. They conclude by acknowledging that life is unpredictable, but they find contentment in the present mome It seems that life has given me the opportunity to have lives, to have a life, and in every choice I have made or have not made, according to the idea of the many worlds theory, all of those experiences exist, all of those choices played out. I only know myself as I am, so I can't confirm those experiences occurred, even if the theory is correct. But life gave me the opportunity to take that timeline, to go that way, and while I might say, not that I have regrets, because I can't say what would have happened had I made a different choice, but clearly, if one looks, there were many different possibilities that could have occurred had I said something or not said something, had I done something or not done something, had I spoken up in moments, in those moments when doing so would have led me in a different direction. So I can see that life brought me possibilities, most of which I didn't take. I could only do one thing, I could only get on one bus. I've used this analogy before, that if I'm in the bus station and there are a number of buses that I could get on, while I remain in the bus station and those buses don't leave, they remain a possibility. But the moment a bus leaves, it's no longer possible for me to take it, and the moment I get on one of the buses, all the other buses are no longer available. They may remain in the bus station, or they may leave and go on their own individual journey, but as far as I'm concerned, they no longer exist. Now it may be possible at some point to get off the bus that I'm on and make a different choice, but having taken the bus in the first place, now my choices are connected to having taken that bus in the first place. They're almost never going to be connected to any of the other buses I could have taken. To get from the bus I'm on to a bus I could have taken is incredibly difficult. Maybe not impossible, but almost impossible to the point where doing so just won't happen. Yes, there have been times in my life where I have imagined what might have happened had I taken a different path. Had I turned left when I turned right? Had I sat down instead of moving on? Had I moved on instead of sitting down? Had I moved on instead of sitting down? So many possible permutations and combinations, most of which I can't really imagine, other than sometimes being able to imagine. And being able to imagine something doesn't mean that's what would have happened. It's just what I'm able to imagine. Some say that while free will exists, while the choices I make are based on how I feel and what I see and what I want, etc. Some say that the main ones are kind of predestined, as it were. That there have been agreements made to meet up, to come into contact with other people at certain times for the benefit of experience, to work out, discover, connect. And I can see that there could be truth in that. I like the idea of it. It's interesting. And the choices and the agreements are all made with me. They're not made outside of me by others, not including me, doing things for my benefit. When in fact I am a conscious participator in this thing I call my life. I like the idea of that too. It's interesting. But I can't say I know any of that. So as far as I'm concerned, just from an experiential perspective, none of that is happening. That in any given moment, which essentially is not connected to any moment that has already existed, I can perhaps connect it in my mind, I can imagine that things are connected, but the reality is that in any given moment I am free to move in any direction to decide what I feel works best for me, would be best for me. It may turn out that it isn't. And life teaches me to make better choices if I've made choices that are poor. I can learn from those choices, I can understand myself better, and in doing so should be able to do things better next time, if there is a next time. There's usually something else, but it may not be another choice like the choices I've already had, but it will be a choice. Currently, life doesn't bring me many things to choose from. And that is, for the most part, the result of the choice I've made to live life this way. To limit. To repeat. To simplify. To avoid complications. The result is that, for the most part, friendships are extremely limited. Experience, for the purpose of learning, has been mostly eliminated. Moving, leaving, going, doing, has become absent. I'm not a victim. Life isn't doing anything to me. Life isn't keeping things from me, or stopping me from achieving. I'm doing this. And for the most part, I'm content with the lack of unnecessary interaction and experience. Now, I can't say for certain that any experience can't bring me something that I didn't expect or imagine. Even if it may be familiar or similar to things from before, the fact that it arrives unexpectedly, coincidentally, synchronistically, can still be valuable. It's just that I don't seek it. I'm not drawn to it. I don't have to attempt to find something I currently don't have or think is missing. Is this enlightenment? I cannot say. Sometimes, the feeling of freedom from the desires of the past does feel that way. Other times, it feels isolated and lonely. But for the most part, that aloneness or solitude seems right for me, rather than being something that comes out of avoidance or resistance. But I can't guarantee that that's not the underlying reason. I've just learned to make the best of the situation I have put myself into, found myself living, found myself living, and in accepting things as they are, to the best of my ability, I experience contentedness and peacefulness, which seems to be very important. Almost like the circumstances don't matter. Only my state of being, my state of mind matters. And that makes a lot of sense to me. By avoiding complications, by keeping things simple, I find I can feel peace, even if life, at least from the outside, seems to have become non-existent. Acquiring things, doing things, working, that has become minimal. That while during my life, my earlier life, I did things and went places and got involved with people, and while none of those things really exist anymore, except as a memory, they all provided me with the opportunity to grow and evolve and understand myself better. And that is also something that seems relevant and necessary. But if that's true, there must come a time when it's no longer necessary to repeat any of those things, because the lessons that come from them have already been learned. I don't have to keep repeating the same class once I've understood what I'm being taught, what there is to learn from it. Eventually, there's no need to be in the school anymore, there's no need to take any additional classes, merely to get on with life, to be in the world in some form that is authentic and real. And I've struggled with the idea of what is it to be authentic? What is it to be real? What does that mean? How do I know that's what I'm being? How do I determine the truth from fiction, from delusion, from illusion? This is what it seems my life is about. And in having essentially let go of so much because it is part of that illusion or delusion, for the most part, what's left isn't that I'm simply hiding in a cave, afraid to emerge, to be seen, to engage, out of the fear of bringing back those very things that I've let go of, that I've turned away from. It's been a subtle emptying, lightening, freeing. And while I could never have really imagined that this is where I would be, the idea of being reclusive, hermit-like, not in a state of resistance, not invalidating what I'm choosing not to participate in, or even, in many cases, observe. I simply go towards what works for me, what I am interested in, rather than dwelling on what I'm not. I have no online presence, no social media. I'm not engaging in pointless, opinionated conversation on forums, forums where my preferences, my opinions are constantly being spouted. And that simple living in the present, while also not perfect, there are some I'll avoid, as I've always done, for as long as I can remember, when we may still be in the same vicinity, but there feels like whatever was between us is no more. Friendship doesn't really exist. Even the idea of acquaintance to say good morning or nod or acknowledge, there's no point to it. And so it's easier if I just go that way and not get involved. I still do that from time to time with one or two here and there. It's inevitable. Unless I'm willing to move on all the time, to be in new places amongst people who do not know me, that's an inevitability. It's not a terribly resistive state. It used to be when I was younger. Now it's just, that's what that is. That's how I feel and I don't have to feel bad about it. It's not about them, it's about me. I might not even be able to put it into words as to why the feeling I have is like that. I just have to respect that it is like that. And that helps me be me. Which seems to be the whole point of it all. To be me. To discover what that means and who that is. And if, as a result of doing that, I have sort of let go of what I used to do in so many ways, that means that I'm not the same person that I once was. And that seems like an achievement. Now life's not over yet. I mean, I don't know what happens tomorrow, or the next day, or the next week, and so on. Things can change unexpectedly at any moment. But while they don't change unexpectedly, I just carry on. And if I notice that I'm OK in this moment, that this moment is good enough, what more can I ask for?