JOE E LEWIS

Boom, boom, boom, and no knuckles, just the tips I like to hear. Now that you've elected the president of your choice, I'm sure Kennedy will do the best he can. Yes, he'll get the nation's backing, but his platform I found lacking. He promised nothing to the poor forgotten man. There's no relief in sight for lonely nights. Not a cent will be spent for man's uncivil rights. There's freedom of speech and freedom to preach, but still no freedom for love. Potatoes will be cheaper, so will corn and rice, but show me a tomato who will lower her price. We should do away with the price we must pay for a cute young lady friend. They're helping the farmers, controlling the rents, but the price of a charmer is still so immense. We need an oversexed congress to come to our defense. There ain't no justice, those broads are busters, unless there's freedom for love. I'll say it cost me a lot every time that I get hot. I'm a man, I'm a man. This may sound like a drag, but to a neutral-minded fag, but I'm a man when I can. Since women got the right to vote, I've had one regret. At last we are free, fight every future Bridget. Yes, women are free, except the kind that I get. The press I'm blaming for us poor laymen. There ain't no freedom for love, ask any bellhop. There ain't no freedom for love. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Ladies, I do hope you forgive me for taking a little drink while I'm on. It's part of my act. And besides, I'm an alcoholic. I'm not a big drinker, I just put away a lot of little ones. I mean to say, I'm not a steady drinker, because I shake too much. But I take care of myself. My doctor is here, Dr. Kohler. Dr. Ted Kohler, and he tells me if I keep drinking, I'll never see a ripe old age. And I don't believe the dear doctor. Because every night I see more old drunkards than I see old doctors. So I'm going to have fun now, not when I'm old and wrinkled. But now when I'm young and wrinkled. But my doctor, Dr. Kohler, told me I had the body of a kid. A very sick, shriveled up kid. That's why I take care of myself. I go to a famous bodybuilding studio. Not Dick Candy's, but his sister, Fanny Candy. But I always said one thing about a guy who drinks. Show me the man who can hold his liquor, and I will show you a serious kidney condition. That, you sink him deeply if I sink him. There's an old friend saying, Victor Hugo said that. That means you can lead a horse to water, but if you can teach him to lie on his back and float, then you got something. Home, too. And there for a while, when they had that recount, supposing Nixon would have won it, who would have gotten custody of the boy? And that first debate killed Mr. Nixon. You know, remember that first debate? Nixon sat there so different, so self-assured and so sincere. I thought the narrator was going to say, will the real Richard Nixon stand up? But on that debate, Mr. Nixon looked like a guy who was going to sell a used car. And Kenny looked like the guy who owned the lot. And they're both good men, and I'm no Republican or Democrat. I happen to be an osteopath, ladies and gentlemen. I work around joints all my life. Are you ready, partner? I am. They call me Ready Joe. Next time, not too much ice, you can get pneumonia from the ice around here. Thank you. May I quote the words of Byron? Raving Byron, a bartender, you don't know him. He worked here, but they caught him with his Duke and the tambourine one night. And Byron said, it is easy to grin when your ship comes in and you have the stock market beat. But the lad worthwhile is the lad who can smile when your shorts are too tight in your seat. Oh, that's the only way I can fix this without being vulgar. I'm sorry. Oh, and the lullaby. He will sing it like this, I imagine. Rock-a-bye baby, sleep all night through. J. Edgar Hoover, he's watching you. Dream happy dreams without any fears. You'll have daddy's job in 34 years. I have a leaking personality tonight, ladies and gentlemen. I happen to, last night I happened to swallow a shot glass. I don't feel too good. But that's the way it is. Feel good. That's the main thing. I shouldn't drink. I had an operation recently. I was in Hollywood and I got this stomach trouble and I went to this Dr. Kohler. And, not Kohler, Kohler. And he's a good doctor. He's a good doctor. Goes to four hospitals a week. He's a very sick doctor, this fellow. And he's a very busy doctor. I sat around in his office, read all the magazines. And wasn't that awful about that Titanic? Gee, I cried. So he advised me to go to the Seamus Eleven Hospital. And he looked at me and gave me a 50-50 chance. I got scared. Then I went to St. John's. There, I got eight to five over there. And I was on the operating table five and a half hours. That's more sleep than I had in 30 years. And they cut me open, took out all the losing mutual tickets I had. And they found I had too much blood in my alcoholic stream. If I was alive today, I'd be a very sick man. Then I was in a coma for three days. A coma was the name of my Hawaiian nurse, ladies and gentlemen. Beautiful. A beautiful girl, well-bred, and not too barely buttered, either. And my surgeon made my incision two inches longer. Tonight I'd be doing a sister wreck with Christine Jorgensen. And at my age, it's just as broad as this log, so let's break that. I'm a man and you'd wriggle without me. Oh, close to me, all right. Bob Hope wrote a book called, a wonderful book, Have Couch, Will Travel. My uncle, Swifty Morgan. He wrote a book called How to Cheat at Polo. Polly Adler, she wrote a bestseller, A House is Not a Home. Sometimes she's written a sequel called, A Tart is Not a Cake. But I always respect Polly Adler. She kept the kosher house all her life. I wrote a book about income taxes. How to have a larger income and still pay the same amount of taxes. And I dedicate this book to the Internal Revenue Department. I call the book, Up Your Bracket. I'll be sure to return, this is mine, that's all. But people write books and songs. The reason I'm bringing this song business up, because there's a new trend in music. Folk songs. Songs about people, how they love, how they work. And lately I find love pretty hard work. But I'm just on a losing streak, that's all it is. Would you believe it, I call a Butterfield 8 and Eddie Fisher answers. But songs about places. Folk songs about places where people cry and play. Like Santa Anita, Hialeah. I'm talking about my people. You know in the early 1800s, when folks used to travel across this land in covered wagons. They sang folk songs like these. Oh, marry me not to that lone fairy. Well, all kind of folks, you know that. Then show me a home where the buffalo roam. And I'll show you the dirtiest home you ever saw. Strange as it may seem, Stephen Foster, who wrote some of the greatest folk songs. Never knew his real folks. He had Foster parents. And he sang, he wrote, he wrote songs. Go up fast tonight. He wrote songs like, beautiful dreamer, that's what I am. I dream in the bedroom. I dream in the can. I dream while I'm working. I dream while I play. I better throw my marijuana away. And you know, it's so shocking when you pick up a newspaper nowadays and read about marijuana. In juvenile delinquency. Jiminy Crickets. We were kids. Nobody ever heard of juvenile delinquency. We were full-fledged criminals. Oh, and I'll show you the dirtiest home you ever saw. Strange as it may seem, Stephen Foster, who wrote some of the greatest folk songs. Never knew his real folks. He had Foster parents. And he sang, he wrote, he wrote songs. Go up fast tonight. He wrote songs like, beautiful dreamer, that's what I am. I dream in the bedroom. I dream in the can. I dream while I'm working. I dream while I play. I better throw my marijuana away. And you know, it's so shocking when you pick up a newspaper nowadays and read about marijuana. In juvenile delinquency. Jiminy Crickets. When we were kids, nobody ever heard of juvenile delinquency. We were full-fledged criminals. And, and I admit once I did smoke marijuana. But that was by mistake. I thought it was opium. This is the first song Stephen Foster wrote. Oh, Susanna, don't blame that on me. Some guy from Indiana put that kid up on your knee. May I quote the words of Shelley, or Keats, or any handicapper. But I think it was Shelley who once said, show me a druggard without his false teeth, and I will show you a gummy rummy. But the greatest folk song that Stephen Foster ever wrote, that will live on and on until the night. I'm coming, I'm coming, and my head is bending low. Of course, thanks to man time, folks all call me, oh, the black Joe. But the number one folk song on the hit parade today, a song called John Henry. You'll know it when you hear it. It goes like this. Get out of there, John Henry. I knew you'd know this song. At this part of my act, I'm supposed to run off the stage and then come back and take a bow and make a federal case out of it. I don't want those musicians to blow the lips, you know. So I stay here and I'll give you some Metricol. It's my new drink, Metricol and gin. You see, you see pink elephants just the same, but they're much thinner. Last year I changed my drink. I drank vodka with carrot juice. You get drunk just the same, but you see better. Isn't it funny, nowadays all the heroines play streetwalkers like Suzy Wong, Butterfield 8, Never on Sunday, The Three Maddenays on Saturday. You notice that lately. Years ago, all the big actresses like Jennifer Jones and Loretta Young, Ingrid Bergman, they always rushed to play sisters in the convent. Now it's a cycle. Oh, everybody's a scarlet woman. What a switch from nun to fun. Isn't that awful? Oh, that's... Now I'm just crazy about this Bobby Dan. He sings from the heart, which is highly necessary when you haven't got a voice. And when he sings, when he sings, he snaps. He's beautiful. One of the greatest finger snapping singers I ever heard in my life. Snaps a hell of a song, just kidding. Before singers come out, as a rule, they spray their throats. Now Bobby Dan sprays his fingers all the time. And I'll tell you what kind of a fellow Frank Sinatra is. Frank always helps young kids coming up. What do you think Sinatra did to this boy? Sent him his old fingers. That's a heart, isn't it? And I know he worked very hard for Mr. Kennedy during this past election. And Kennedy is going to repay him. Because I know for a fact Kennedy is going to go to Congress and ask them to repeal the Mann Act against Sinatra. That's a heart, isn't it? Hey, did I tell you about the queer pickpocket who left the wallet in the pants but took out the owner? Shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, shant, sh And I saw where Brigitte Bardot tried to commit suicide. Thank goodness they revived her with a few good publicity shots. May I quote the words of Robert Louis Stevenson, who said to his son Adelaide, Adelaide Stevenson, who has a great genius of saying the right things at the right time to the wrong people. Let's sing, oh, I got a request for you, What's My Line, What's My Line. That show comes Sunday, Sunday nights, What's My Line. With Alan Mulvey, Bessie Love, Creighton Hale, and Mae Bush on the panel. And I'm going to start singing until this is empty, please. Think I want the boys to talk about me? The waiters there, tattletales, you know. Oh, I can hardly wait to hear what I've got to say now. I'll just get up, you know. You don't know what it means to eat oatmeal at nine o'clock at night, you know. What time is it now? I don't know. This is the song, What's My Line, you see on Sunday nights. She was lovely, she was lovely, she was charming, but her manner was disarming. And to sum it up, she really looked divine. But when the facts were all unfurled, she was in the oldest profession in the world. So they asked her to appear on What's My Line. But she really gave that panel quite a task. And John Daly laughed so gaily when these questions they did ask. Do you deal in a product? Is it something very rare? Is it bigger than a bread box? Smaller than a Frigidaire? But all she did was stare. What could she say? She was on the air. With the oldest profession in the world. Then Dorothy Kilgallen said now strictly unpronewed, Do you have to have much talent for the certain things you do? But John Daly and the crew were the only ones who knew she was in the oldest profession in the world. Arlene Francis got three chances, but her guesses were all wrong. This girl was really racking up a score. And Bennett Sirp got lots of screams when he said somehow it seems I've seen this lady's face someplace before. John Daly flipped the cards till a fifty came in sight. And with great delight she said, That is twice as much as I made last night. You see, I'm just a waitress where the customer is always tight. And that's the oldest profession in the world. You thought this was dirty. The oldest profession in the world. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. And I'm so happy, ladies and gentlemen, I just signed a contract to do a western on television. I've never been on television shows. I've been on, like for Ed Sullivan. I like to work for Ed because he has a great personality. He can light up a whole room just by leaving it. But a wonderful guy. And I knew him before he became a newspaper guy. Years ago in Los Angeles. And even as a kid, Ed always cashed in on his bubbling personality. In those days he worked as a greeter at the Forest Lawn Cemetery. And out of kind of the expression of his face, the job became dangerous. On three different occasions they tried to bury him. But this is a western. As a matter of fact, ladies and gentlemen, Zane Gray called me last week. He wants me to star on the Dick Powell Theater. Oh, it was Dick Powell that called me last week. At this time of the night, please don't ask me to be specific. If I'm standing up by now, you've got your money's worth. I'm sorry. But this is a western where I play the part of a fearless marshal from Plymouth City. We ran out of Dodgers that year. And my name is Marshal Nolid. Nolid is Dillon spelled backwards. And I have an assistant called Chester. Mr. Dillon, you know, nothing wrong with Chester's leg. He wears tight jockey shorts all the time. Nothing wrong with his leg. And in my play he walks just like anybody else. But here's the switch. I have a hell of a limp. Then I have another assistant called Tonto. Tonto used to be known as Tonto. And recently he had an operation in Denmark. And he came back as Tonto. As if I haven't got enough troubles, I have to have an Apache fag on my hand. But one day, Chester and Tonto, they walk in my office and they tell me that the terror of the West, Dirty Bill, he's drunk full of fire water. And he said he's going to gun me down on the streets at high noon. De de de dum de dum dum. Do you think I'm going to sing Babaloo? Now the tension starts. All the citizens of the town are gathered on the main street waiting for the bloody showdown. And the hands of the clock are almost at high noon. And everybody starts to sweat. The citizens, Chester, Tonto. Even the hands of the clock begin to sweat. And if there's one thing that makes me sick, that's a sweaty lawn jean. I can't stand it. Now my enemy, Dirty Bill, reaches into his holster and fingers his coat. How he ever got that horse in the holster, I'll never know. And everybody cracks up from sheer excitement. But I'm calm. I'm cool. I'm self-assured. I'm on a stagecoach 200 miles away recording this series, Frontier Yellowbelly. And we do a song in the series, a fast song called Ballerina. Ballerina. Will you hold this, my dear? I'm foolin' around with this, my dear. Bee-boom-boom. No knuckle. Just play with the tips, will you? Bee-boom-boom. Drunk all the time, this man plays. Been with me over 20 years. And the funny thing, I never knew he drank till he came to work sober four weeks ago. So I watch him all the time. Bee-boom-boom. Arrangements and so on. The ballet. The ballet was starting at Carnegie Hall as the last ticket stub had been torn. And the maestro was frantically giving his all. A star was about to be born. As the new ballerina appeared, she did a high kick near the lights. The women all fainted, but the men stood and cheered. She'd forgotten to put on her tights. Her poor little heart was filled with fright. But the maestro said, this is your opening night. So dance, ballerina, dance. You mustn't muffle your chance, though you forgot the way you're bent. Show what you're made of glass. Your shiny shoe will pass, so whirl around and show your class. If it is fame you seek, don't let them think you're meek. Show them you have lots of cheek. And just pirouette with grace. The critics in the place will shout, good Lord, a brand new face. You must dance hard. You're in the ballet route. What if you're a dying swan? Looks like a dying goose. And just do a nice arabesque. Though you may look grotesque, who knows it might bring back burlesque. So dance on without your pants. The critics are aghast. You may be shocked to cast. You may be embarrassed. But ballerina, dance, dance, dance. And may I quote the words of a fine philosopher, Oliver Fagworthy. It's not only his name, that's his point of view. Who once said, show me a woman who makes love to beat the band, and I will show you a very beat up band. But there is an old Norwegian saying that covers everything my heart. Il provit, il grivin, love ya. I saw this in a can of sardines, I don't know what it means. Must mean something they wouldn't put it on. And please forgive me for taking a bit of a sip. I'm the fellow who believes in the good book. And the good book says, man shall not live by bread alone. And I'd rather be drunk than hungry. You know there was a wise old prophet, John the Baptist, who once baptized the fish in the holy waters of Mount Sinai when he said, holy mackerel, there's Andy. Sure don't pick on me for taking a drink. Remember the good book, the one that pays track odds I'm talking about now. It says, he who has no stones, let him cast the first sin. If you don't know the difference, you shouldn't be here. Oh, it's a new day, huh? See, the time passed so fast today. I feel like a new man. Let's have a drink with the new man, huh? Thank you very much again. That means you're only young once, but if you work it right, once is enough. Tête-à-tête. Yes, speak French. Tête-à-tête. That means tight brassiere. Tête-à-tête. Thank you. Ouvrez la porte. That means up with it, kid. That's it. What does this mean? La petite chose. That means your fly is old. That's it. La petite chose. This great philosopher, Oliver Fagworthy, ladies and gentlemen, he said one thing that always remained in my noodle. It doesn't matter if you let money slip through your fingers, or even if you let love slip through your fingers, but if you let your fingers slip through your fingers, you're in trouble. Oliver Fagworthy. He was born, Oliver Fagworthy was born in 1900, died in 1904 from hardening of the arteries. And in the last few months of his life he became very semi. And when he was a kid, his folks sent him to London riding on a pony once. And he heard cries of, help, help, coming from the palace. And Oliver Fagworthy rode right in with his horse. There was a dragon attacking the princess, and with one mighty swipe of his sword cut the dragon's head off. And Oliver Fagworthy did a noble thing, he attacked the princess himself. They don't make him like Oliver Fagworthy anymore. So thanks a million. Do you think I'm too tall for radio? And my dear friends of time, a lot of me has expired. And as one rabbit said to the other rabbit, I think you run too long. That was the American rabbit. There's a difference between the American rabbit and the French rabbit. The American rabbit goes hippity hop. The French rabbit goes liggety split. There's a difference. And when you leave, please take it easy. The traffic around here is a little rough. If you drink like a fish, swim. Don't drive. But if you have to drive, drink. That's the only way you'll face traffic with confidence. And my dear friends, let us all remember the most wonderful words from Lyndon Johnson, Senator Lyndon Johnson when he made that speech, the acceptance speech, when he said, let's all get together and drink prune juice to keep America moving. Lyndon Johnson. And I hope Mr. Kennedy will remember the words of a wise statesman who said, talk soft, but carry a big stick. Rupert Roosevelt said that. I know it was Teddy Roosevelt, I know that. But I can't get a laugh with Teddy Roosevelt's name. And what's the difference? Teddy Roosevelt or Rupert Roosevelt? They were both rough riders. Well, I'm going to have one for the dressing room. May I? Senator did my life story, ladies and gentlemen, in a picture called The Joker is Wild. And those of you who saw the picture, it wasn't my true life story. Paramount couldn't get a liquor license. But it was a good picture. And besides, you saw the picture? Oh, fine. And besides, Senator was doing a great job. Another wonderful actor, Eddie Albert, he played the part of Mr. Mack. Mr. Mack has been with me, as I told you, over 20 years. Unfortunately, he passed away three years ago. I ain't got the heart to tell him, you know. But I will always admire Eddie Albert for one thing. Before he went to work on the picture, he took six piano lessons just to be like Mr. Mack. And that's twice as many as he took. Then there were two girls in the picture, Jean Crane and Mitzi Gaynor. They were supposed to be in love with me in my early days of Baltimore. And I must have been stiff. I can't remember these broads at all. But they were in love with me throughout the picture. And sometimes I think Sinatra had more fun playing my life than I had living it. But that's the way the Pepsi pops, you know. And a lot of friends of mine, after the premiere of the picture, came to me and said, why didn't you do your own life instead of having Sinatra do it? I said, well, you don't understand. Sinatra's box office. He has a way with girls. And ladies and gentlemen, in all due modesty, I have a way with girls too. It's expensive, but it's a way. Well, I think you've had enough of me. I know I've had enough of you too, see. But I want to thank you for watching and laughing at the ridiculous things I've done up here. And I've been watching you too. You're pretty ridiculous yourself, you know. And so in the shank of the evening, when the swordfish begins to rust and the herring begins to marinate and even the matzo begins to boil, may I thank you very much and leave you with the words of another great American, Abraham Lincoln, who on his deathbed said to his wife, you and your goddamn theater parties.