What To Say When You Don't Know What To Say: Move From Conflict to Closeness

The transcription is discussing the main ideas from a book excerpt and workshop about navigating difficult conversations. It challenges the idea of walking away as a quick fix and emphasizes the importance of growth and honesty in relationships. The strategies mentioned include "Get Clear" (taking responsibility and being honest with oneself), "Get Connected" (establishing trust and creating a safe space for communication), "Tough Talk Arena" (setting ground rules for discussion), "Calibrate" (accepting disagreements without derailing the relationship), and "Oil It" (ongoing maintenance of communication). It also addresses the need to address past hurts and unpack emotional baggage for healing and self-awareness. Hey, everyone, welcome back. Are you ready to dive into some seriously tricky territory? I am, I'm excited for this one. Me too, it's a good one. You guys gave us a book excerpt from Difficult Conversations 101 by Omotayo Henry and a recording of her workshop. Both are about navigating those really tough talks that we all dread. Which we do. Yeah. Everyone, you know what I mean, right? Let's just dive right in, shall we? Let's do it. So we've all been there, right? Relationship advice these days is just full of, just walk away. But this material, I don't know about this one, it throws some serious shade on that quick fix. It's got me thinking twice about the whole just walk away thing. How about you? It is interesting. What's fascinating is this whole idea that we just want the easy solution. But like Henry points out, real growth, it needs some heat, it needs some fire. Walking away, that's not solving anything. In fact, it might even make you feel more alone. It's like putting off going to the dentist. You avoid the drill for now, yeah, but the problem's still there, right? Exactly, yeah. It's just festering. Okay, so where do we even begin with this? Well, Henry actually gives this really good example in the book, and it's something I think a lot of people can relate to. Just imagine a woman who's struggling with, like, how much attention her husband gives to his siblings. Okay. Like, is that relatable or what? I mean, most people just say, girl, speak your mind. But it's not always that simple. Oh, 100%. My inner voice, I ask that friend yelling advice, but the workshop recording really hit me hard, those knee-jerk reactions, you know, just like, say something. They often just make things worse. Exactly. It's like throwing gasoline on a bonfire when what you really need is, like, you know, a fire extinguisher or some water. Yes, yes, totally, totally. And that's actually where Henry's first strategy really hooked me. She called it Get Clear, which, you know, sounds basic enough, right? Right. Her argument is that most people, most of us, we think we take responsibility, but then this Get Clear strategy, it exposes all these hidden ways that we actually don't. Okay, that's interesting. So it's less about pointing the finger at your partner and more about really just kind of taking a hard look at yourself. Yeah, that's exactly it. It's about being honest, brutally honest with yourself. And she actually tells this great story in the workshop about, like, this monkey, and he gets his hand stuck in a jar because he refuses to let go of the nuts that are inside. Ouch, I'm seeing where this is going. The monkey is us. The monkey is totally us. We get so focused on being right or holding on to that hurt that you know what happens? We get stuck. Yeah. And what the workshop does is it boils it all down to two. Get ready for it. Deceptively simple questions. What is the problem actually? And what do I want? Notice, it's not about who's to blame. It's like that old saying, when you point one finger, there are three pointing back at you. Yes. It's so easy to get caught up in blaming the other person. But this idea of taking ownership, that's huge. But how do you actually do that? That is where Get Connected comes in. Get Connected. All right, so let's say I've taken a long, hard look in the mirror. I'm ready to talk. How do I actually get my partner on board without it becoming like a screaming match? You know, that's always my fear. Right. Well, you have to remember that trust is like, it's the foundation. It's like building a house. Right. You can't start with the roof. Okay. You know what I mean? Right. And this is where things get really interesting. Henry talks about this couple in the workshop and the husband refused to help with a potential move. And it turned out to be because years ago, his wife had called the police on him after an argument. Whoa. Okay, that's intense. But it seemed like they'd moved on from that, you know? How could something from that long ago still be causing problems? This is what I mean about creating the easy solution. Yeah. You see what I mean? Henry's point is that the past, well, the past isn't always really past, right? Right. Like it can stay buried and then bam, it comes out and just sabotages the whole relationship. Okay, so unresolved baggage, huge EE. But how do we actually start talking about this stuff without it blowing up? This is where Henry's tough talk arena comes in. Okay, tell me more about this. This sounds intense. Right. And before you ask, no, it's not about renting out a boxing ring. Okay, good to know. Because I was picturing some serious Smackdown happening in this arena. Yeah, I mean, it is about creating a space, like a metaphorical space, you know, with some very clear rules of engagement, right? So things don't actually get to like the Smackdown stage. Okay, so like setting some ground rules, that makes sense. Tell me more. What are the rules? So rule number one, and like the most important rule in my opinion, no interrupting. Oh, that's a hard one. Oh, it's so hard. We've all been there, right? Someone's talking and you're just itching to jump in with your side, your solution, whatever, but in the arena, you gotta let the other person finish. Ugh, that's hard. But so important, it's like how can you actually hear what someone's saying if you're too busy in your head planning your response? Exactly. Rule number two, also very important, is no personal attacks. And this kind of goes back to focusing on feelings and not blame. So instead of you always do this, it's I feel hurt when. Okay, those two rules alone would probably revolutionize like 90% of my arguments. Right, and then the last rule, which kind of ties it all together, is that the focus should be on expressing your feelings honestly, not trying to win the argument. Like Henry argues this creates a level playing field where both people feel respected enough to let their guard down. So no dodging emotional blows or throwing them. I can get behind that. Exactly. But here's the thing, what happens if we've had our little heart to heart in the arena, followed all the rules, and we still disagree? Now what? That's where, and get ready for it, there's another deceptively simple concept. This is where calibrate comes into play. And it's about accepting that you won't always agree, and that's okay. Wait, really? That's allowed in a relationship? Yes, and Henry actually uses this hilarious but relatable example, the dreaded toilet seat debate. Some people have strong opinions about it being left up or down. Oh, tell me about it. I've known couples who nearly broke up over less. Right, but here's the thing, is that the hell you want to die on. Calibrate is about understanding like your partner's non-negotiables and having your own, but without it derailing the whole relationship. So it's like choosing your battles, right? Some things just aren't worth the fight. Exactly, exactly. And that, my friend, brings us to the last, and in my opinion, most crucial strategy, oil it. Okay, I'll admit, when I first saw like oil it on the list, I was a little confused, not gonna lie. I can see that. Yeah. Like, what do you mean? Okay, yeah, so it's about maintenance. Okay, imagine two massive heavy doors, right? For them to swing open smoothly, those hinges, they need to be oiled regularly. Oil it is about putting in the work to keep your communication running smoothly. So it's not just a one-time conversation, it's an ongoing effort, yes. Yes, exactly, that's a great way to put it. It's about consistently using those first four strategies. You know, checking in with yourself and your partner, and just like recalibrating expectations as needed. Because relationships, just like anything else we value, they need upkeep. This whole deep dive is making me realize how much I've been neglecting those metaphorical hinges. You're not alone, let me tell you. Okay, good. Most of us avoid these tough conversations until things reach like a breaking point. But Henry's point is that it doesn't have to be that way. So what you're saying is that difficult conversations can actually be, dare I say it, good for our relationships. Exactly, think of it like exercise. Okay. It can be uncomfortable in the moment, but it makes you stronger in the long run. Okay, I can get behind that analogy, but there's still this one thing that's been bugging me. We've talked about the strategies, right? But what about those deep-seated issues, those like past hurts that keep resurfacing? How do we actually heal that stuff? That's the million dollar question, right? Yeah, Henry actually, she talks about this too. Sometimes the friction isn't even really about like the current fight. It's almost like we're all carrying around these invisible suitcases full of past hurt. Tell me about it. I've totally been there dragging that baggage from like relationship to relationship. But how do you unpack it? It feels like those old wounds never really go away. I think the first step is acknowledging that those wounds exist. Like Henry actually, she used this metaphor of a house and it's got this leaky roof. And you can keep patching it up, but until you address the root cause, that leak's gonna keep causing problems. So we need to stop ignoring the leak. Okay, but what's the fix? It's different for everyone. But I think Henry's point is that healing those old wounds, it starts with self-awareness. Like why do you react the way you do? Where does that insecurity stem from? So it's less about like having the perfect conversation with my partner and more about having those tough conversations with myself first. Exactly, exactly. And listen, it's not easy. You know, Henry talked about how she used to constantly feel unsafe in her own marriage. Wow. Always blaming her husband. But when she really dug deep, you know what she realized? What? It stemmed from a childhood trauma where she was physically trapped. And so this unresolved experience had basically wired her to feel unsafe, even in a loving relationship. Wow, that's intense. So she was bringing all of that baggage to the marriage without even realizing it. And once she realized that, she could start to heal the real issue. It wasn't about her husband changing. It was about her healing that old wound. That's really powerful. So journaling, therapy, those can all be part of unpacking that baggage. Exactly, and the more you understand your own triggers, the better you can communicate them to your partner. But not as blame, but as, hey, this is something I'm working on, so please be patient. So vulnerability actually strengthens the relationship. Absolutely, it builds trust. It builds empathy. Remember that get connected strategy? It applies to how we treat ourselves too. Self-compassion, so important. This whole deep dive has been eye-opening, I'll be honest. It's not just about the difficult conversations themselves. It's about all the work that goes into showing up as our best selves and those conversations. Yes, yes. Couldn't have said it better myself. It's a journey, not a destination. But can you imagine if we all put in the effort to oil those hinges regularly? I think the world would be a much less explosive place, wouldn't it? Amen to that. Well, this has been an incredible deep dive. I mean, just full of aha moments and practical advice, like I can actually use this stuff, thank you. Of course. What a fantastic reminder that those tough talks, as daunting as they can be, they really are the path to stronger, healthier relationships. Couldn't agree more. It's been a pleasure diving deep with you. And to all of you listening out there, thank you for bringing these sources to the table. Remember, the most important conversation you can have is often the one that you have with yourself. Until next time, everyone, keep those conversations flowing, keep those hinges oiled, and keep diving deep.