hayley first recording

A person shares their experiences growing up in a troubled household. Their mother and father were both on drugs, and they were left to take care of their siblings at a young age. They had to hide their mother's drug addiction from others and take on adult responsibilities. They struggled with anger and bullying in school but found solace in dancing. Two teachers believed in them and helped them stay in school. Despite the challenges, they managed to finish school and avoid falling into drugs themselves. They attribute their success to the support of those teachers and their determination to provide a better life for their own children. They no longer blame their mother, understanding the struggles she faced. You said goodbye. She can foster her if she wants and I just see her every day. And I'm like, no! She loves her nanny but not that much. She loves her mamma. Now do you know if we need to tell her or not? Right. So, what's your earliest memory? How old are you? My earliest memory? Right. Right. What was your earliest memory? When I was three. What was it? I opened the door to the police and let them in looking for my dad. Why were they looking for your dad? Oh, I don't know. I was only three but they were looking for him to take him out of the house obviously on something he had a warrant for. So, I opened the door and let them in. And what happened when your mam and I split up? Oh, me mam and I split up when I was young. Jesus, I wasn't even in junior infancy when I split up. Split up straight away after Charlie. And what was your mam like then after they broke up? She was on drugs. On and off drugs. Just trying to hide it from everybody. How bad they were. And obviously my dad was on drugs as well but we just didn't know because he wasn't around us as much as me mam told him I was on drugs. And when Bobby was born, he was weaned off drugs? Yeah, when Bobby was born he was very sick and they nearly lost him. They had to take him out of my mam's when she was only six months pregnant. And then they had to wean him off drugs and he was in hospital for months after he was born. And what that meant then when he was out? He had a colostomy back so he's tired of it and he had two odd areas, like his ears never fully developed. He had one nostril bigger than the other from the chills being up his nose for so long. He had loads of difficulties when he was a baby. He had a very bad tone in his eye. That's what's happened to him now for the drugs. The drug abuse, obviously. And who, if your mam was on drugs when Bobby was born, who was raising Bobby? Me. I was doing it for the first while, hiding it behind all. Obviously, me and Bobby started that bruise as well of having the same mam. So hiding it from our family, pretending me mam was alright. I was doing it and changing his bag when I was only 10 and bringing him to creche at 20 to 9 and running to school for 9 o'clock with me sister. And then running home from school at 20 to 3 to get me at the creche for 3 o'clock to get him back out of creche for home. And then hand washing his vests over the bath before I put them in the washing machine trying to get the stains of the pillow from when his bag had washed them off. And how old were you? I was only 10. And Charlie, his brother, you were raising? Yeah, I was raising my little sister who would have been 7. And at the time when you were in school, what were you like? I was a very angry child. When I'd get out of the house and away from the people in the house, I'd be probably a bit horrible to other kids. Because I was taking it out on them what was going on at home in my house. So I was a bit of a bully back then, which wasn't nice. And what were the teachers treating you like when you were behaving like that? Well, see, the teachers used to kind of know what my ma was like. So I got away with it a bit more than other kids in the school. But to bring my ma to come up, of course, you'd go home and my ma'd be off to home wherever she's going. So it'd be hard for her to keep me grounded if I'm the one looking after the kids in the house. So I used to just get away with it. And did you get to have any hobbies or anything when you were doing that? Yeah, when my brother was born and I hit ten, I joined Maydress. And I loved Maydress because Thursday night was my escape from myself for two hours on my own. Because I wasn't allowed to have my brother or sister down in the Maydress with me. But then my ma got real bad again. The Maydress started allowing me to bring my brother down and sit and watch in the pram. Because I couldn't go to class if he wasn't there. But they wanted to see me still in the dancing. So they never put me out and let me bring him with me. So the people in the Maydress? They were very good to me. You say they were the ones that believed in you and encouraged you to keep going? Yeah. And how old were you then? What happened then with your ma? Tell me the story from when you were a raven, Bobby. I say when you were ten years old or something. Then I made my confirmation and my ma was demanding money off me, all my confirmation money, and I wouldn't give it to her. And she told me to pack my bags and get out at twelve years of age. And I cried my eyeballs out and went down to my da and my nanny. And when I got down there and lived there for a week, I just wouldn't go back. And then two weeks later, my da got my sister. And a week after that, my auntie got my brother. And that was it. We were all out of Houston. And then a couple of months went by and my ma was getting better and not going back on jokes. Trying to get herself off and going back on them. And then she ended up killing herself, taking her own life. On a Halloween night when I was only fourteen. Which made us even more mad then, for a while. Because we wouldn't go to school or anything because our excuse to everything was, our ma's death, my ma's death, we don't have to do that, my ma's death. We thought that was an excuse to everything. Do you want to ask Drew? No, Drew. And say then, going forward, how you turned out well. Then I got into secondary school and there was one teacher in secondary school. No, I'm lying, there was two of them. It was my year ahead, which was Miss Crowley and the deputy principal, Miss Bennett. And they fought from second year when I lost my ma. And they started carrying on in school right through until sixth year for me to stay in that school. If them two teachers weren't there, I wouldn't have ended. And then I came out of school and I didn't want to go to college. I just, I had no pushing me because there was no one there pushing me to do these things with my life. But I knew I didn't want to end up on drugs anyways like my ma and I. So I got myself into a little soft course. And then I ended up having my first baby. And then everything changed for me then. And when you were in school, there was them two teachers that were helping you. Do you remember any teachers who treated you badly because maybe looked down on you or anything like that? I wouldn't have really accepted it off the teachers because, like, in my head back then, nothing else matters. Because my excuse to everything was my ma said. So anything they done to me in this school didn't bother me. I just wanted to get out of school anyways and go home. But them two teachers who believed in me wanted me there. And I was put on a timetable where I was only allowed into school for two classes a day. And it was them two teachers' classes that I was allowed in. And that's how I ended up doing my junior six. And then I pushed on from that. Then I kind of calmed down a bit. Because them teachers kept saying, like, just finish off school. But my ma also left me a letter. And the teachers, they all wrote the letter. And she asked them to let her stay in school. So they always kind of said that to me. But my ma asked her to stay in school. And that be what kept me to stay there. What are you doing, Maddie? Come on. Go to bed. Go to bed. That was the wrong bed. That was the wrong bed. Sorry. So... So, wait. What I'm doing is... You know the way... So we're talking, like, say, trauma-informed practices and skill, right? So... If you hadn't had them two teachers, do you think you would have done the Leaving Six? No. I definitely wouldn't have. I'm telling you, it was them two teachers. And that's why them two teachers always come to my mind. If I had went back to the school looking for my little sister. Like, not looking for her. In for anything at all. I would have always looked for them two teachers in the school to say hello to. Because I know that they were the reason I finished off school. And actually got a Leaving Six. Because they pushed me. And they kept at me. I'd take a week off school. And they'd be straight out of the school. She'd drive out to my house herself in the car. And say, come on back tomorrow. And I'd get up and go again tomorrow. Because she was my push. She was the person that carried it. Do you think your mum cared... When your mum was on drugs, you were raising Bobby and Charlie. Do you think she had the capacity to care? No, I think when they're on drugs, they don't be in the right frame of mind. They don't know what they're doing. They don't feel the way they're supposed to feel. See, drugs mask all that out for people, I think. Do you think your mum was sick, or do you blame her? No, I did blame her for years. But now, because I'm a mother myself, I don't blame her any more. Because when I'm stressed out, or if I fall out with everybody. And I feel like the world is against me. Like, you'd have thoughts in my head. But I would never leave my kids. Because how damaged me and my sister and brother are from her leaving us. I would never do that to my babies. But I understand that now. How easy the switch can go, and you're like, I just want to end this. She lost her three babies. None of them were living with her. Then she was trying to prove herself and get herself off drugs. And obviously when she wasn't on them, all the emotions and the guilt started tumbling back in. Because she had said some things to us in the letter. Which would show that she was guilty. Of letting me raise my sister and brother. And why do you think your ma ended up on drugs? Because she was spoilt. And she didn't know what drugs were back then. When drugs came out when my ma was young. It was like the way kids would try a vape now, or have a smoke. That's what it was back then. She didn't actually know what she was taking. And... Sorry, how did your ma end up with Barbie Star? Barbie Star used to bring up the maintenance from my da. And it just went from there. She started carrying on behind my dad's back. Did your ma walk? Yeah, she always walked. Always had a job. So whenever the police would come to the house, it was to do with your da and not your ma? No, when I was young, that one time it was from my da. After that my da didn't live with us. Gary obviously lived with us, so it was always from my ma or Gary. And was your ma's family good to her? Very good to her. No. Sorry, was your ma's family good to her? No. Sure? What was it? I can't think of it. Hmm? I can't think of it. I think it's a major. I don't know what to say about it. I can't... I can't think of it. I don't know. Right, sorry, let me think what I was going to ask about you. What were we saying the last time? Bobby. Would your ma get out of you if you got into trouble and scare her? Like, would your ma care? Yeah, she was very strict. Like, my ma was that parent that could tell you what to do with her eyes. She'd only have to look at you with her eyes and you would know what that meant. But there was obviously good times with your ma as well, yeah? Great times. Did you ever go on holiday? We never went far, but years ago she brought us to Butlin's. Her and all her friends booked it. And she brought us down there and we had a great time. I have great memories of down there. And she always brought us over to England, obviously, because she was from there. Over to her family, but she never brought us far. And did you want to go away from her? Yes, she used to tell us every year, bring us away this year. And every year it never happened. I think that's why now I try and get my kids away every year. Because that's something we wanted as kids. And why do you think it never happened? Because obviously she'd never be able to save the money off having a drug problem. She'd always end up dipping in or having a slip or getting bad again. And did you have much money growing up? Oh, we had everything because my dad worked at the races with my grandad. So he used to buy the clothes. And that's how we had everything. Our buy was what we needed rather than give our money when she got real bad again. Because he wasn't as bad as her. And then Bobby's dad, do you think that maybe made her worse? Yeah, I think the two of them were bad enough about each other. Because they were on the same type of drugs, more hardcore drugs. Whereas my dad wasn't. My dad was off them drugs years. But he was abusing other drugs, but not them heavy drugs. That's them two, I think, in the same. And I think it just went spiraling downhill. And did you have any other problems? No. And I think it just went spiraling downhill from there for the two of them when they got together. Do you feel like you got out lucky, like you and Charlie? If you look at your other friends now at this point, like, say, Kenny or whatever. Do you feel like you was probably... I feel like we've turned out better because we've had a harder... And they have... Like, my friends have been spiraled to my best friend all my life. And now she's on the same drugs as me, man. Well, years ago. And she got that abandoning her two babies. So she'd have had everybody there and everybody to push her to do things. And she'd have been good and skilled and had a man and a dad in her house. Safer family, everything was safer for her. There's just no reason, I don't see a reason that she should have ended up like that. And do you think you have had that stability? I never. Well, I think when we hit a certain age, we did. We didn't always have it. Like, it's mad to explain it, it's in and out. Like, my ma could be great for five months, bad for six. Great for another four months, bad for the next seven. It just depends. Yeah. Leave her alone. Sorry, now. Would your principal ever ring if you were being about? Oh yeah, sure. I was on this special thing in the back of my drawer every day. I was monitored all day, every day in the classroom. So my dad would know what was going on when I went home. Because we lived with my dad when I was in secondary. Right. And if you were about, how, like... I'd be suspended. They were talking about expelling me. I nearly had detention all day, every day after school. I was in detention every morning before school. And do you think it was your fault that you were about? No, I think I just took my problems out at home. I brought them into school with me. So even though you didn't end up leaving school, you ended up doing your leaving cert. You didn't have an easy time in school, or you didn't like school? No. I always wanted to live, but them two teachers pushed me to stay. I wanted, in my head, I just wanted to go to school. I just wanted to get out of that school and do what other people were doing that had left the school. Do you think you'd be where you are now if you had left school when you were 14 or 15? No. Because I probably would have ended up on drugs with all my friends. Do you think you'd be where you are now if you had left school when you were 14 or 15? No. I probably would have ended up on drugs with all my friends.