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Marisely Marte

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This is a conversation between two hosts of a podcast called "Anchored in Truth and Wisdom." They discuss their previous episode and the feedback they received. They mention their plans to upgrade their equipment and the challenges of learning the technical aspects of podcasting. The main focus of this episode will be one of the hosts, Sharon, sharing her testimony about her marriage, divorce, and the obstacles she faced. They also talk about the role of the church and their support system during this time. Sharon talks about her beliefs about marriage and her decision to stay in the marriage despite her husband's infidelity. She discusses the impact it had on her self-esteem and identity. There is also mention of the church's involvement and attempts at restoration. Yeah, we're back. So how are you doing? Good. Good, all right. Everyone, welcome to the Anchored in Truth and Wisdom, a community for women seeking renewal, faith, and emotional healing. I am your host, Maricely Marce, and here today I have my co-host. Yeah. Gracias. So how are you? I'm good. Awesome, awesome. Okay, you ready? You ready? Are you ready for today? So today's episode we're going to be sharing, or I'm not going to be sharing, I'll be asking the questions, but Sharon is going to be sharing. Oh, Lord. Yeah, yeah. It's going to be sharing her testimony today. So that's going to be, I'm guessing it's going to be an emotional for you. I'm not sure how that's going to be. In some moments it might be a little emotional. All right. But it's emotional. Right? Yeah. So how was life after we did the first episode? So hectic. So hectic. But so good. You guys gave us some great feedback. Yeah. You know, we're excited. We got the one microphone, but we're getting the other one. Yes, definitely. We're listening to the feedback, but, yeah. We're moving up in the world. Upgrading, you know. You've been promoted. So we definitely will slowly, yes. Because it is, this is like a whole learning thing. You've got to sit down and listen and learn. You know, like right here we've got to do the microphone, do the Zoom, then do whatever it is that we've got to say. It's a lot of stuff. And Mariposa, she's doing it all. Well, they know I said. She's doing all this stuff. So today I know you're going to be sharing some of the reviews, or reviews, of your marriage, the circumstances that led to the divorce, I'm assuming, and, of course, the initial reaction to what happened in your life, and some of the key obstacles as the major hurdles that you encountered during this time, you know, and who you had as a community around you. You know, who was your support system, I'm assuming, your family, friends, and I'm not sure if the community, you know, the church community was there for you, but I know that it's going to be interesting today. So I'll be doing the questionnaires, and you know that I'm all prepared here. She's ready. Ah, so Sharon. I'm sure with the flow. Yes. She brings me balance, and I give her a little bit of rebelliousness. I do try to, you know, do whatever it is, but sometimes I know I get lost in the process. Okay. We were saying that we're, like, all talkative in the Instagram. We are. We're very talkative. But then when we get in front of the camera, we freeze. We can freeze a little. I think my family more than me. But, yeah. I mean, I guess we just say whatever. It's our page. Yeah. Just pretend we're on Instagram. That's what I told them. We're on Instagram. That's all we're doing. We're recording our faces at that time. All right. The first question that I have for you is, how did the first initial reaction to your divorce, and I want to know your feelings and your thoughts about it. Divorce in general? Yeah. My divorce. Your divorce in general, because you were married for 27 years, right? 25 years married, 28 years together. Okay. And you have how many children? Six. Wow. Okay. All older now. 17 is the youngest. Oldest is 28. Okay. Wow. Yeah. Three boys, three girls. Okay. So share a little bit about what you think what marriage is, what are your belief systems still today, even though you went through this whole, I'm assuming it was dramatic. Yeah, traumatic. Okay. It was very traumatic. So I have been, so I came from a home that, although my parents were married for a long time, it was still broken in many ways. So I didn't have the greatest view of what a biblical, covenantal, beautiful kind of marriage looked like. For me, marriage is the reflection of the marriage between Christ and the church, right? That he loved his church so much that he laid his life down for his church, that sacrificial, unconditional love. For me, marriage is an image of the Godhead. So that I learned over the years. So I didn't, I wasn't the kind of person that kind of knew that off the bat. I got married young. You know, I was 18 years old when I had my first little girl. I got pregnant and then we got married a month after my daughter was born. So we were really young. And then I was raised in the church. He was Catholic. I was raised in the church, but I had left the church already at the age of, like, 16. I didn't, I knew that there was a fine line to just go and go to church and then live in the world. For me, it wasn't like live in the world and go to church. It was either go give your 100% to God or go in the world. And that's what I did. I just went. I pursued my sin, which was, you know, that I got pregnant. I slept with my husband, got pregnant. We weren't married. He was my high school sweetheart. Oh, wow. So we met in high school. And then we got married, had our first daughter, and went from there. You know, I had my third child, which was my son. And that's when I decided to come back to Christ. It was, there was so much, so much in our marriage, like, so much cheating. At that point, he had cheated multiple times. Even before, like, while you guys were dating as well? While we were dating, he cheated. Okay, okay. Yep. So I, he cheated while we were, while we were boyfriend and girlfriend, and he cheated in our marriage multiple times. So by the time I got to my son, had our son, you know, it wasn't the first time he had cheated. He had already cheated multiple times. And. Okay. Can I ask a question? Yeah, yeah. Interrupt me anytime. So were you, okay, the cheating part. How, how did you save, right, and deal with it? Like, what was it that made you save? I think it's a mix of things, right? I think at the time when he was cheating, the three older ones were younger. You know, I knew enough about God, and I saw, even in the worst of circumstances in my parents' relationship, my mother always kind of dealt with things and kind of stuck through things. So I think that example of just sticking through things was just embedded in me from a young age. So I stuck through things, and I really did believe in marriage. I don't think to the extent until later on in my marriage, but I always believed that no matter how hard things got, because I saw my mom go through some really hard, ugly things, you just stick with it. Yeah. You just go with it. You roll with the punches. You stick with it, and you take what you can get. And I had always that mentality. I kind of took what I can get. So then we came to the Lord. I came back to the Lord when I was pregnant with my son, and he came shortly after. So, you know, we started raising the kids in the church. He was very involved in the church. He was, you know, from president of the board to a elder to deacon. He was very much involved in the church. However, you know, he just cheating was something that he always did. So there would be a season of good times where he wasn't physically cheating, right, cheating, but, you know, it would go back to just cheating again. So I think the hard part just, you know, was seeing all that crumble. Even if it's bad, there's just enough for you to hope. There's always just enough for you to hope. And I think my hope was so anchored in God, and I really believe in marriage. I really believe in the covenant of marriage. I really believe in how God views marriage between one man and one woman. I really believe how God detests adultery. Like all those things I believed about our God. Yeah, so for me, divorce was never an option no matter how much he cheated. Wow. As a woman, right, how did that change you? Because that breaks a person. Yeah. Like do you see yourself, did you lose yourself through that whole entire time while he was cheating? I think it broke me in my self-esteem, in my identity in Christ. I began to shift my identity to what he needed me to be. And whatever he needed me to be, I was willing to be because he wasn't happy. And if he wasn't happy, I wanted to make sure he was happy and that, you know, that I was being the good wife and that I was doing all those great things. And, you know, I was being the family wife I needed to be. And if I wasn't and there was something that he vocalized that he didn't like that I did or didn't, you know, like how I carried myself, then I would work hard at that. I did the marriage conferences. I did the marriage book. I did the videos. I did whatever I could because I longed for our marriage to be a Godly marriage. And I longed. Like I saw him starting to look for Christ. But even within him, those years, him coming to the Lord, which was in 2000, he cheated. Even being within the church, he cheated. So it was never, it never really stopped. Okay, okay. And, okay, so as you say, he was very involved in the church and he was a leader. Was there any accountability from the church or the church or the pastor was aware of the situation? Yeah. There were situations he wasn't. When we first started to come to our church, we had an intern pastor. So we all were all kind of babies in the Lord, and we kind of relied on each other in relationships, like with friendships. We had a couple of friendships. And we kind of handled things at that level. When we started getting a consistent pastor in our church, one that, you know, was very, I mean, when he would find out, he would sit him down and whatever process they wanted to do with him. But I think in the middle of all that, there was never a process with me. You know, the important part was to cover him and to restore him, which I wanted. As long, like, I would tell myself, and later on we'll see why this was so wrong, but I always would journal and write and cry and pray and fast and ask. And I said, God, if he could just love you, if he could just love you, then he can love me well. Not perfectly, but he can love me well if he could just understand and grasp the gospel and know how much you love him. If he can understand that his sins were nailed to the cross, then he can, if he understands that, then he can love me well. And that's what you, or you're praying for that. Yes. And those are my prayers and my journals. I would pray things like, you know, I would start taking on so much of his faults. Like, I would take on the responsibility of, well, I'm just not being a good enough wife or I'm just not praying enough or I'm not fasting enough or I'm not leading enough. And all that stems from a wrong theology, a distorted theology. Not that where I was rooted in church community was bad, because I don't think it was bad. I really believe that every season that God uses in our life is for the good of those he loves and are called according to his purpose. And I know that at that time is what we needed. But as you grow in the knowledge of grace and who God is and you begin to see and seek his word for himself instead of just listening to people teach it to you and just going back and really learning the truth of God's word, I realized that so much of that, I was creating a spiritual prosperity gospel. Wow. You know, we talk about prosperity gospel in regards to money, claim it, claim it, it's yours kind of thing. But I was doing that with the spiritual things in my life. So if I fasted enough, if I prayed enough, if I did all these things enough, then the result had to be that God had to answer in yes and amen, because I was creating a spiritual prosperity gospel. That's amazing. Yeah. And through all of this, because it's a very, it's half of your life. Yeah, like, you know, most of your, yeah, from high school to now that, you know, most of your kids now are all gone, kind of, you know, graduated, married now. Some are married. The last one graduated from high school. And throughout this whole process, I mean, it must have been difficult for the kids. Were they even aware of the situation at your house? That's a good question. When they were younger, they were not. I protected them from so much. I learned that from my mom. My mom protected us from so much. Kids know. Yeah. They're intuitive. So kids know, and I believe my kids, my older three knew more. Because they got older, they saw. The younger three were the most protected from his, you know, the things that he was achieving and, you know, just that, that manipulation in regards to the gaslighting, those kind of things. Kids were really very, I protected them from that. You know, for me, it was like this part can't, I never wanted them to see their dad as a bad father. Because, you know, in many ways, he was not. He was really not a bad dad. He just had a sin problem, which was his lust and adultery. That was his problem. And to me, you know, that I didn't want them to know him for that. Other people already did. Other people already saw. But even that, I tried to protect them from the church, from the people. So I would kind of take on the role of, I was very prejudged by people. So I was, my character is a very strong role character. And that's where I would also ask, like, because of who you are, your character, and how this was more like breaking you pieces by pieces, not knowing who you were, like you said, in Christ, right? And was your marriage the part of, I guess, idolizing your marriage? I love that you picked that one because that is Godly, that is God's Holy Spirit's chosen word. And I'll tell you why. And I'll tell you why. Because months leading up to the last time that, right before he left. Okay, so he cheated. Let's talk about the last two. The last two. He cheated in 2018. Okay. And shortly after that, I started hearing the word idol. Okay. Just hearing it in my head. And I'm like, oh, could it be that I'm listening to sermons? Could it be that I'm reading the Bible and an idol is coming up? But idol just kept, just, you know, that was the word that was coming up. And this was my thought. Oh, this must be about him. Like this must be about, like, him making women his idol. You know, I was sure that that was, oh, start praying for him. About that being an idol, it was like. And then in 2021, which was our 25-year anniversary, like a few months later, he cheated. He tried to cover it up, you know, by saying that he was battling and trying to sneak out the home so that he wouldn't get caught. But I caught it in the trajectory of him. I caught that he was cheating. And that's why he was battling, so to say, quotation marks in there. So then that word started coming up again, idol. And I couldn't really process that word because I was so broken and shattered. I have never been so broken in the way that I was when he left that last time. How does anyone fix themselves up from that? I mean, because this is not just a one-time thing, but this is 24-something years. It was just, you know, continuation of his sin, his fault, right? Not being able to control himself, right? And then you, on the other hand, trying to have this gospel. What was it that you called it? Spiritual gospel prosperity. Yeah, that's like a whole bunch of different theologies. They have a lot of doctrines. Yeah. And these things didn't get revealed until after I had some reasoning happening. After the breaking of me started to have massive divorce. So now that you say the breaking part, I guess that would be the emotional challenges that you faced during this, before and after the divorce. Can you talk about those things? Yeah, I think, yeah. Did you go crazy? Because for me, just thinking about this and what I've done in my past, I used to go heartbreak. Yeah, yeah. That's very great. Because we're Latinas. Yeah, yeah. And we're, yeah. I think a lot of characters, they seem tough, right? Again, a lot of it I hid because I wanted everyone to just, didn't want no one to see him as a bad guy, right? My character is very out there. I am, I'm a strong world kind of person. You know, I am very friendly, but very strong character. When I have to speak my mind, I speak my mind. I'm very opinionated. So my character, people saw it for what it was. So I was the rough around the edges one, and he was the halo. Oh, my gosh. People would praise him in church, and it was like, you know, oh, my goodness, you, how are you married to this one? People would say that, you know, and point to me, and it was like, I would tell people, you don't know what's in the pot for you stirring. You know, just because I didn't want to expose, but I was just mad enough. Yeah. You know, chill, because you don't know. But, you know, because I was the way that I was in and out of church, people just saw that, and they would just see him as this great, because he was. I mean, just a great lover of people. He's just very friendly with everyone. That was his character, and people loved that about him. They praised him because he was such a friendly, outgoing, helpful person. You know, but when it came to me as his wife, he didn't honor and take care of me in that way. So the breaking came because that idol in me needed to be broken, and I didn't realize that people were like, well, it's you. Because if people are trying to be helpful, I think sometimes, I'm reading on grief, and I'm reading on how we should respond to grief, because I think as Christians, we want to give all these best answers, or we think we have to have a solution for you. When you're grieving this, you have to have the time to grieve. You have to have the time. Exactly. So I think, you know, in that, you know, after, people would be like, well, could it be that you just idolized your husband? And I didn't. I don't think that I idolized my husband. I think I idolized what I wanted. The image of what I wanted, the marriage part, the happily ever after, the if he could just love me, and this is where this comes in, where God showed me after my breaking down that my desire was in being loved and being cherished and being picked, because I never was the one that was picked. There was always someone prettier or better or that, you know, and I'm going to use the word because that's what it was, more sexual, or just gave him more than what I could give him. There was always someone better. So I had this deep longing within me to just be loved and chosen and handpicked, and that was my idol. My idol was my self-desire, like the self wanting to just be loved. So my desire for him to love God was selfish. It was not that he would be saved or that he would be completely restored and that he would be broken from his sin, because when Christ comes, we're no longer slaves to sin. You don't go battle with sin. And I was okay with him battling with sin, but he was a slave to his sin. So my desire wasn't that he would be completely broken from his sin. It was that he would be broken from his sin so that I could be loved and fulfilled in those areas. So that became the idol in my life. And when God showed me that, it was like, wow, it created a cloud. So this is a whole process, because you didn't see this until the last healing, right? You didn't see the whole picture that God was trying to tell you. Until recently. I've been walking through this healing process. It's going to be three years now since he left us, and just a year of divorce, but three years into this process. And just in the recent, just through the local counseling and the recent, just getting to know habits that I created, why I was creating those habits, why I was responding to his cheatings in certain ways, why my behavior was a certain way whenever he would cheat. Those are the things that I started. Now I started seeing that. But when I was broken. You were so, like, lost in the thought, like people say. So, you know, because one of those things when you say broken, you don't see that until you are removed from it. Yeah. I was always broken. I just didn't see the brokenness physically. And you, I'm assuming you kept changing yourself for him. Oh, yeah. Like, Sharon, I just, you know, earlier on in the relationship when I was young, you know, I came from, again, a home where my dad cheated on my mom constantly. And, you know, my mom dealt with different kinds of abuse. But, like, me, I was very dry. I was a very dry person, not very affectionate, not very lovable. Just, you know, so that was, you know, that's where it started. I just felt dry. You're not affectionate. He's a very affectionate person. So I just, so then, okay, then I'll work on trying to be affectionate. Or if, you know, I just wasn't excited for sex. Well, you're not excited. That means you don't, you know, you don't want it. Well, no, it was just so much cheating. It broke me. I never felt good enough. It didn't matter. You know, and I share this, you know, publicly because I've shared it with others in testimony. You know, I would cry after having sex at times. Not always. At times. Just because I just didn't know if I was good enough. Wow. I just didn't know if everything that I gave as intimacy was good enough. How long did it last? Would it be enough for him to stay? Would it be enough for him to want to not imagine anyone else? Not to say that he had. I just didn't know. I just didn't know. I didn't know if I was the only one in bed when I was in bed with him. Again, I don't know those things. That wasn't in his mind. And I can't assume that he was with someone else in his mind while he was with me. Yeah. But those are the battles that I've had. Wow. So I would have towards the end, towards the 2018 cheating, the anxiety panic text again. Hmm. And I've never experienced that in my life. Wow. Again, I was always broken, but God began to allow suffering to bring out of me things that were not pleasing to him. And an anxiety attack began. I would literally go in the bathroom, put my knees to my chest, sit on the floor, and rock myself into the clinic. How long did that go for? It was happening for months. Wow. After the cheating, the 2018 cheating. Was it because you didn't know how to come out of that, or was it just you didn't know how to deal with it? Was it more like, what am I going to do about this? I didn't know if I was... I didn't know how long I could be good enough before he did it again. Wow. So that's when you started noticing, and that's when the first... Was that your first anxiety attack that you had? First, I mean, that was the beginning of my anxiety attacks. I never, ever experienced anxiety attacks. My character has always been strong-willed, and I can make it. I push through anything. But now, I think what happened was that in 2018, my kids are older now. They're not little kids anymore. I can't hide things anymore. Oh, my God. He cheated with someone close that we knew. So now, I no longer... Wow. He never did. He just left. It was always very close. It was always very near. You know, the last one that he left with, that one I didn't know at all. Okay. But it was people that I knew. Wow. So I think the anxiety attack began because I could not hit it. Okay. And now, things were completely... That perceived control that I had... I can hide it. I can keep it. No one will ever know. I could no longer do that. And what's ironic is that God is so good in his provision to even want to get him out of his sin, that before he was in the act of sinning in 2018, my daughter, the second oldest, had a dream and told him that, I have a dream that you're cheating on me. Wow. And God, in his love, his mercy and kindness, is here extending that mercy to her. Wow. And, you know, his response to her was something along the lines of, you know, I would not do that to you and I would not do that to your mom. And then it came out. Okay. Then it came out shortly after. And it was God, like, beating him to a pulp. Like, this man could not do it. Yes. Because, listen, the reality is that we all struggle with sin, even in Christianity. Yes. We all struggle with sin. We're not perfect. 1 John 1.9 says that he is faithful. If he confesses our sins, he is faithful. Not us. He is faithful to forgive us of our sins and cleanse us of all unrighteousness. So, here is God making that invitation to him, like, your daughter is dreaming about it. But he wasn't into it. Like, he... He was just denying it. Okay. You know, so then anxiety attacks began when I found out who the person was, trying to cover it from close people that I knew that knew this person, that knew moms of this person. It was just... It became... I started getting panic attacks. Oh. And on my own. Like, just... I would wait till he would go to sleep, and I would go in the bathroom. And at times I had to open the window just to get some air. Through all of this, you know, because I know there's... You just started feeling these panic attacks. The healing and restoration that had to take place in your life, because you were hiding this for so many years. I mean, that's like a huge burden, anyways, for anyone to carry. And the scary part about it is you were a stay-at-home mom on top of that. Yeah. So you had these 20-something years that you didn't work. And you were home with your kids. He was the provider. I mean, just thinking about that, that would just take me to this spiral. Yeah, because especially nowadays, how everything is so terrible. And the economy has gone, you know, out there. But how was it that you were able, you know, first of all, the healing, the restoration? Because I know those two things are still happening in your life. Because that's not something that happens overnight. Oh, no. It's kind of like grief. You know, you had to bury that marriage. You had to bury that person. Yeah. A lot of people don't think about it in a sense. If the person is still alive and there's no answer, there's no concrete answer. And he's moving on. He's moved on and left you behind to carry this emptiness, this brokenness. So how did your faith in God influence your healing process? That's what I want to know. That was tricky because I went into a faith crisis. Okay. This is where the spiritual prosperity gospel comes in. Because the 2018 cheating happened. We started working on it. We went to one counseling session together. I was going to some sessions. But then when my counselor started confronting me about some behaviors that I was having in response to what he was doing, I was like, oh, no, no, no. I don't want to hear it. Yeah. So I just stopped going to counseling. Wow. And I think the hard part was that between 2018 and 2021, before he left us, those were probably the best years that we had where I saw him try the hardest. Okay. So when it happened, I was genuinely shocked because even the kids noticed that, you know, he was trying harder with his family. He was trying to be more intensive in different ways. So when he left, I was a shocker. I felt like I was crazy. Wow. I felt like, what did I do now? Yeah. What didn't I do? Yeah. What didn't I do correct? What did I do wrong? What didn't I do right? What didn't I do wrong? And I was like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. 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