Episode 13

The speaker and their guest discuss their recent illnesses and the impact it had on their lives. They talk about experiencing various illnesses, including COVID, and how it affected their ability to participate in activities like a fun run. They also mention recent tragic events, such as a shooting, which reminded them to appreciate life and express love to their loved ones. The guest shares her experience with borderline personality disorder and growing up in a small town where mental health issues were not well understood. She discusses the lack of emotional connection in her family and how it impacted her ability to regulate her emotions. The speaker reflects on the generational and cultural differences in understanding mental health in small towns. Overall, the conversation highlights the importance of self-care and expressing love to those around you. Okay, welcome to episode 13 of the LTE podcast after a couple of weeks off, had three weeks off just because I was crook and then the kids were crook and Chanel was crook and then it was just a vicious cycle. So I'd like to welcome my guest for this episode Emily Wilkinson. How are you? Good thank you. How's your week been? Long and quick at the same time. I was actually sick at the start of the week but better now. Really? Same thing that everyone else has had or? Oh mate, I've had it for the last nine months. I've had pneumonia, COVID, influenza A, double lung infection in hospital. Nice, right. Okay, that's pretty intense. Yeah, we've had COVID. Well, I tested negative and then we reckon we all had COVID. Yeah, I was the same. I was like, I'm not a doctor but I have COVID. Yeah, yeah. And then gastro went through and then, yeah, so that's typical when you have kids, everyone catches it. And then you get rid of it and then you catch it again. Yeah, yeah. So it's three weeks for us, it was just doing my head in. Yeah, I just was like, I'm sick of being sick by the end of it. Yeah. So, and then the worst thing is I signed up for the fun run tomorrow, but I signed up for that three weeks ago when I was still active and feeling all right. And then I've had three weeks of just feeling like shit. And what distance are you doing? 10Ks. Yeah, no, that's not true. And I've never run 10Ks in my life, so I don't think tomorrow will be much fun, but that's alright. You know what, sometimes you do. One time I did a half marathon on the rowing machine with no training. I literally just, I saw someone doing it and I was like, I can beat you at that. And then the next day I did it. So sometimes you just have to be like, maybe I'm an athlete. Yeah. Or you'll just manifest it. I'll try that tomorrow. Anyway, I doubt that it will happen. Yeah, well, good luck. Yeah, but it's been a pretty big three weeks. Since our last episode, obviously, you know, I talk about being sick and you were sick, but like, there's, we obviously don't compare stories on here, but you know, the police commission was done. Yeah. That was sad. Yeah. The shooting up at, yeah, at the border town. Yeah. So, you know, it sort of puts things into perspective a little bit. I was sitting at home just feeling like a sad sack because I was sick and I was sick of being sick. And then it's like, it's really not that bad. Yeah. And then stuff like that happens. Especially this time of year, you think at least I still get to have my Christmas. Yeah. You know what I mean? Absolutely. And that's where I'll sort of like, oh, you know, I probably don't have it that bad. Yeah. Maybe I just should not sulk. Yeah. Yeah. I think that kicked me out of gear a little bit too. So, you know, this probably won't reach the, uh, the commissioner or probably even border town, but my thoughts go out to everyone that was affected by, um, one, the police shooting. Um, obviously you've got, you know, I've got mates and whatnot in the, in the police force. So, you know, thoughts are with them. Also just being so close to home, like border town is not that far away. So, yeah. And then obviously, yeah, thoughts are with the commissioner and I've got a mates that were mates with his son. Yeah. So like, obviously, yeah, you know, there's, you always sort of know someone. So thoughts are with all them. Um, yeah. Like I said, that sort of kicked me out of my funk pretty quick when, uh, when shit like that happens. But yeah. So I guess, you know, before we touch on, on you, we, uh, also want to put out there, you know, tell your mates, you love them, tell your family, you love them. Um, because you know, things happen very unexpectedly morbid, but you never know when it will be the last time. And you don't want your last words to be of anger and even if it's, it's just a, you know, I'll be back in a minute. Yeah. No worries, mate. And that's it. You know what I mean? So, you know, tell your mates, your family that you love them. Um, you know, cause you don't know, unfortunately. Um, you know, and that's what everyone sort of learned in the last month, especially that, you know, and no one expects to go out in their job and not come home from it. Well, exactly right. That's the thing. We're both being sort of work or like, you know, it's, um, you expect to be safe at work and to be able to come home. So yeah. Yeah. So I'll just sort of touch on that. Um, well, yeah. So you've been fiend crook, but you bounced back. You're all good to go. Yep. Yep. Um, well, funny thing with, uh, Emily being what guest we, uh, lost contact obviously for a fair while. Like it's small towns that you still run into each other, but you're not like hanging out. No, no. But we were like childhood besties. Yeah. We grew up, like Luke grew up behind the house behind my house. Yeah. So parents would babysit each other. Yeah. We were, we were frequent. We were tight. Yeah. Yeah. So obviously it's good that, um, you know, things like this can obviously bring us back to having chats and whatnot. Um, obviously like I said, I see your mum and dad pretty often. Yeah. Um, semi-alcoholic, frequenting, uh, hotels that, you know, oh, mum is always double parked with a cocktail. Yeah. That's right. Not wrong. When it's two for one, you can do what you want. Um, nah, so that's good. Uh, yeah. I've just been able to reconnect this way after, you know, obviously not talking to each other for a while. No bad blood or anything, but doesn't it? Doesn't it? What? Um, which, yeah, I was actually glad when you reached out to me, um, obviously a familiar face, but different. Different voice with a different story. Um, you know, so a bit about yourself. Yeah. So, um, grew up obviously in Tarpena, um, moved to the big city of Mount Gambier. Um, I got diagnosed with borderline personality disorder when I was maybe like 22. Yep. Um, in hindsight now looking back, I can see the signs from way, way, way earlier. Yeah. I just didn't know what they were or how to do it or how to get help. Yeah. Um, yeah. It's a disorder that it's very easy to like gaslight yourself into thinking you're just being dramatic. Yeah. That kind of thing. Yep. Yep. Um, but no. And I guess like, and I think it's one of those things that, you know, I think me and Stevie touched on. Um, when I spoke to her, like you come from a small town, uh, not obviously saying that you had it way back when, but you know, you come from this small town where you, I think you're pretty sheltered from. Yeah. Stuff that we obviously, and like, obviously with the mental health stuff, it's has gotten worse. Yep. Um, and you know, like the mental disabilities and the learning disabilities in kids has gradually increased. Yeah. But I think, yeah, small town stuff, like you don't, you don't really see much of that. A hundred percent. Um, just to lead on to my next thing. Um, so a lot of people get borderline personality disorder and dissociative identity disorder mixed up. So dissociative identity disorder is the one where you, if your brain can't handle something, you have someone else who fronts for you. Right. And they, you know, like the movie Split. Yeah. Borderline personality is not, not that. Right. I am Emily. Yeah. Like that's all good. Yeah. A lot of it goes back to my childhood, which is when I went to high school. Yeah. Into, you know, we had five people in year seven when I graduated. Yeah. When I went to high school, there are a lot of things about my life that I thought were normal, but then I talked to other people, got other perspectives and I was like, oh, maybe that wasn't normal. Right. Yeah. But you just don't know because you don't know any different. No. And that's like, yeah. And I guess that goes back to, yeah, that small town thing. Hey, like, yeah, think about like we, you know, yeah. Like you said, we had five of us graduate year seven. Um, you know, I think we topped out a hundred kids maybe two years in a row or three years in a row. And that was like a massive achievement. Yeah. And that's when we were literally like year one, two, three. So, um, that's the sort of stuff I guess. And you know, your parents didn't grow up with that stuff. My parents didn't grow up with that stuff. Yeah. And that's part of the small town thing as well. Yeah. Yeah. So I've had a lot of therapy in my time. Um, I don't know how it is for everyone else. I can only speak from my experience, but I grew up in a family that obviously loved each other, but we don't tell each other we love each other. We don't like, I love my dad's a bit. We have like a human connection. We don't have that deep emotional connection. My dad didn't grow up with that either. So he doesn't know how to teach me that. Yeah. So as a kid, I grew up, I didn't know how to self-regulate my emotions. Mom and dad never fought in front of us, which is really hard because at the time, you know, they think they're doing the right thing. I never went conflict resolution. I would get angry and I would just let people walk over me because I didn't know how to be like, that's not okay. And I think that's another thing with the small town is because like, I love you, my dad, but he was very much like, you know, cup of concrete. Oh yeah, absolutely. There are other people who are homeless who are literally fine. So it's hard when you're a kid and you're going to your parents saying, I have these issues and they're kind of like, no, you don't. It teaches you, okay, well maybe my feelings aren't valid, if that makes sense. And then that just, but that's just a small town thing. Yeah. And it's a small town and a generational thing as well. Like, you know, obviously loved him, but you know, imagine if I went to my grandpa and told him that I was, you know, he would have been like, what? Yeah, literally. And like I said, it's so different now. Dad is like onto it. But like when we were kids, it's just like, you're literally fine. Yeah. Yeah. And my parents, obviously now, you know, they're the first person, first people I go to. You know what I mean? And you'd be the same. Yeah. But it's scary at the start. Oh, cause now you come from, yeah, it's just that generational thing where, you know, dad was Taipan and mum was bloody Sanford, which had, you know, a hundred people in it. Like it's just those things where they didn't grow up with it. Yeah. And then, I guess the same as us, gradually over time they were actually like, oh shit, hang on. Yeah. And I think that was the thing when I went to high school, people would sort of be like, oh, you know, I talked to my parents about blah, blah, blah. And I was like, really? Yeah. I can talk to mum about a lot, but I was just like, I never had that with dad. And I just couldn't comprehend that people did. Yeah. I was just like, like Christy is really close with her parents. And I was just like, how? Yeah. Yeah. And your dad's a funny fella too. So that like... Yeah. And I think a lot of it is like dad didn't grow up learning that stuff either. Yeah. So he's uncomfortable with it. Yeah. Cause he's like, I don't know how to handle it. No. So it makes sense. But as a kid, you can't understand that. No. So, yeah, obviously the high school part, that's when you start realising, I guess, that the world is a bigger place than, you know, 350 people. Yeah. How, obviously, you know, we'd be off in high school. Yeah. That's tends to what happened. But, you know, we moved into the Mount when I was in year eight. Yeah. You know what I mean? So little things like that as well, where you stop catching the bus together and you stop doing all that and then... You don't have as many classes. Yeah. And then you split home groups and all the rest of it. But high school for you, obviously, you're going through this. Yeah. High school, I actually loved high school. Yeah. Work-wise, I was never an academic person, but I loved the social side. Yeah. I still see a lot of my friends. Yeah. I love one of them still. Yeah. So that was fine. I actually got diagnosed with depression during high school. Right. Year 10. Yep. Now I don't know if I actually have depression or if I have... if the depression is a symptom of my borderline personality. Yep. I think more so at the time I... because I tried to go through therapy, like they tried to get me to do therapy. Yeah. And you'd see that I just wasn't ready. No. It was only as an adult that I was like, okay, I had an incident and I was like, I need to deal with this because I'm going to, like, literally kill somebody. Yeah. It's scary sometimes losing control... Yep. ...of yourself. Yep. Yeah. Oh, yeah, and you're already going through so much shit anyway. Like, yeah, yeah, year 10 you just... yeah. And I guess, like, from a personal point when you're dealing with... I deal with year 10s, you know, and a couple of them come to me with, you know, the world's worst problems. But at the same time you're like, shit, I actually went through that. Yeah. You know, especially like the boys, you're like, God, yeah, I remember that. Yeah, you're like, this has given me trouble. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, in your boots, like, you'd been diagnosed with depression at 15 or 16. Yeah. You know, year 10 already sucks. Yeah. Social side's good, social side's good. Yeah, I was lucky I did have a really good group of friends who were really supportive and really patient, considering I probably wasn't the easiest person to be around at that time. Yeah. Do you think they picked up on it? Oh, yeah. Was it something that, yeah? Yeah. I've had, like, Bec has said to me, like, now as adults, she's said in heart, she's like, there was something wrong, we just didn't know. Yeah. Like, that was the same as me, there was something here, we just don't know how to approach it. Yeah. Or I think they were afraid of bringing it up with me as well and me exploding, because a part of BPD is just, when I'm medicated and going to therapy, I'm fine, but I can have really, really uncontrolled anger. Yeah. It is really scary sometimes. Yeah. So I think people, not so much now, because obviously I'm better, but like, they were afraid to confront me because they didn't know what I was going to do. Oh, definitely. Yeah. And I think it goes back to, obviously, the age thing as well, where you're trying to create those friendships and keep the friendships and all that, and, you know, now you can say, well, hey, like, what's up? But even, yeah, back in school and stuff like that. Well, it's different to, like, if I work with you. Yeah. So, like, if I'm with you and I can be like, oh, look, I think something's wrong, we can go to work separately and have days apart and reconvene. That's right. Whereas when you go to school every day with one person, you don't get that space. No. No. Like, they probably didn't want to confront it because they didn't know what you were going to do. And obviously, even if they did, I probably would have been like, I don't want to do that. Yeah. Like, I'm not ready. Yeah. I think so. Yeah. So obviously, yeah, well, that's shit. You know, diagnosed with depression at that age. How did the next couple of years look to you then? Yeah. Did you finish year 12? Yeah. Yeah. Nice. I did not drop out, so that's what I was asking. Oh, no. That was not great. That doesn't matter. Still finished. Yeah. Honestly, I had a few years, it is a bit of a blur through the high school years. At high school, I started to be like, okay, I need to work on myself. Yeah. I got off of my medication for about two or three years. Right. Everything was really good. And then I don't know what in my life changed. I don't know if it's just because I went from being like a teenager to an adult. Yeah. I started working. I was in office work. Yeah. I don't know what changed in my life, but I just started to... Have you ever had things happen and you're like, am I literally going crazy? Yes. Because I was gaslighting myself. Yeah. I was overreacting to situations. Yeah. I would find that if I met you, I would become the person who you would want to talk to, and then I'd go meet that person, and I'd be a chameleon to that person. Yeah. So I didn't even know who I was. Yeah. Literally, I was like, I don't know who I am. Yeah. And I guess that's what I spoke about in previous episodes, is not putting on that mask. Yeah. And obviously, you can put on that mask to hide what's actually going on, but you also put on those masks to adapt to the people that are around you. Yeah. And I talk about when I was 20, 21, going out in town, have to be the darkest guy there. Yeah. I have to do the dumbest shit slash coolest shit. Literally, most times, it was unintentional. Yeah. I'd come home, and I've got a cowboy hat on. I'm like, when the fuck did that happen? Yeah, but you're like, I'll lean into it. Cool. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then all of a sudden, people know that you're... Yeah. And you go from... And I was drinking with these friends, and then I'm like, oh, now I'm drinking with these friends. I won't do what I do with those. Yeah. Type behavior. And I guess like, yeah, I look at it as you put on that mask, and it's the same thing that you're speaking about, is I'm with you. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah, cool. I'm going to be... I'm going to be what you guys... Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah, cool. They bitch about people. I'm going to bitch about people. But then you go home, and you take off the mask. Yeah. And you're like, I don't actually... I did things with those people that I don't want to do. Yeah. I just did it because... Yeah. It's cool. I felt like I kind of had... Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's scary when you don't know who you are. And honestly, getting a diagnosis was the best thing for me. Yeah. Because I was... I struggle a lot with black and white thinking too, which is part of it. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 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