Get Your Romantic Life Back On Track

This is a discussion about the importance of actions aligning with words in relationships. It explores the concept of "I've got you, babe" and how it means someone is stepping up to support the other person. Lack of follow-through on promises can lead to a lack of trust. Women tend to need consistency to feel safe and loved, while men desire a supportive partner. Society has changed how we approach relationships, but it's important to communicate and meet each other's needs. Men and women have different ways of processing emotions, which can lead to misunderstandings. It's important to give each other time and support in order to build a strong relationship. This is Kate Rose, and welcome to Soul Gold. We aren't what we say, but what we choose to do. So many times in relationships, one of the comments I hear about the most is that how someone showing up isn't in alignment with the words that they've spoken. We might know that we need to walk our talk, or even have our words and actions in alignment, but the reality is that whether we're talking men or women, if someone isn't following through on what they're saying, it creates a lack of trust in the connection. It's the sentiment most simply described as, I've got you, babe, don't worry, and actually feeling gotten, feeling supported, but what does it mean to actually feel or even be gotten? I've got you, babe, simply means that another person is stepping up in a support role in our lives. It means that what we have on our plate is being reduced, whether it's actually physical acts of service, or even just that emotional support, and that there are aspects or challenges that we no longer need to worry about because someone else has said that they want to step in. But the issues arise when someone says, I've got you, don't worry, yet ends up falling short. Perhaps they wanted to be able to be in the place to step into your life, instead of more malicious reasons, let's say, for saying that, but in the reality, by not following through with the words that they've said, it actually chips away at the foundation of the relationship. While men need consistency just as much as women, it tends to not be as prevalent in conversations about where the relationships went wrong. Men, or the masculine, desire the cheerleader, not in the stereotypical outdated notion, but to have their partner believe in them, be their biggest supporter, and continually cheer them on to accomplish whatever it is they desire in life. But women tend to need consistency in order to feel safe, and they need to feel safe in order to love, to trust the relationship, and even to be able to climax during sex. This means that whether it's an I've got you, babe, or speaking of future plans they want to hopefully do with you, without actually following through, the relationship not only falls flat, but ends up falling apart. As much as women are described as being more complicated, in reality, that isn't necessarily the truth. It's just that what women have been craving from the masculine, regardless of type of relationship or orientation, seems to have become too much to ask for. There was a time when women, the feminine, were courted, where we were called and asked out for a proper date. We were picked up or met them somewhere. Maybe even flowers were involved. But yet, in this type of dating, there was no assumption that they would get us naked or get lucky on the first evening out. Relationships progressed more slowly, and there were more definitive lines about what constituted dating or even a relationship. But now it seems everyone is just hanging out, spending time together, occasionally hooking up. And so yes, women and the feminine are frustrated by the state of relationships because in truth what they, what we, are looking for really actually isn't too much to ask for. But as women, if we really want that I've got you, babe, and have them mean it, it also means we need to stop responding to the W-Y-D messages, the what are you doing, or I don't care what we do, you decide, or even continually giving someone chances after they've already showed you they aren't capable of following through on your word. Because remember, whatever we accept is what will continue. Which means if a man accepts a relationship with criticism, lack of intimacy, and no real connection, well then that's what's going to continue. But it also means if women continue to accept less, the friends with benefits, the situationships, and the confusing late night booty calls, then that is also what will continue. To be gotten, you need to first know that you are worthy of it. Because in a society of instant gratification, constant distractions, there is always someone willing to offer you something that works for them, even if it ultimately really doesn't work for you. You are entitled to have whatever kind of romantic relationship you desire. Friends with benefits, polyamorous, or even marriage. The only time that an issue arrives though, is that if you are doing that and it's actually going against your own truth in the process. The reality is though, somewhere along the way, it seems we might have changed what we want from love, or at least how we go about creating it. We wanted free love at one point, and we achieved it, but that doesn't change the fact that we'd also like to be able to return home, at least some evenings, to a loving and consistent partner. You are not wrong for wanting what you desire. And though this idea of being gotten mostly applies to romantic relationships, let's really talk about what is behind this feeling for women, and why a man will literally make or break a situation based on whether he can follow through with his actions or not. And of course, how our own wounds and the conditioning of society can make all the difference in this situation. Now for most men, despite the way some of them are talked about, I truly believe men and the masculine are good. I believe they are a worthy part and component of our society. Especially as vinalizing them isn't going to help anyone, including yourself, in finding a long-term healthy relationship. No surprise, but we can't say that we hate men and then still be looking for a relationship with one. Men have good hearts. For the most part, they don't want to inflict pain upon the woman that they're dating or in a relationship. And even if they're still evolving into this new idea of the masculine, most men aren't out to truly be the jerk that it seems so many stereotypes now describe. While men are figuring out their place in this new society where women no longer need them for a roof over our heads, or in order to have food on the table, men are actually having to step up their social and emotional game, and this is where we've been having challenges. This means that it's often not enough for a woman if a man can purchase a home on his own, or even says he can financially provide for you, because even if you desire to become the CEO of the family in the home and not have an outside job, because, let's be very clear, being the CEO of a family is truly the career that never ends, it doesn't take away from the emotional and mental support and connection that you crave. A man needs to do more than just simply use what he has acquired or plans to in order to attract a partner, he needs to be able to listen, to understand what it means to work together in a partnership, to be emotionally intelligent and available, to work on creating mental and emotional intimacy before rushing to the bedroom, and to understand that the basis for all of this is whether or not he follows through on his actions. But there are also key differences that we absolutely need to acknowledge between the masculine and the feminine and how they go about approaching subjects and even creating safe emotional space for one another. It's no surprise, and often joked about, how a woman's brain is like an internet browser, opened with about 1,000 tabs at all times. Everything from appointments for kids, buying gifts for friends, self-care, hair appointments, work, pets, family, each one has its own tab. And yet, even with 1,000 tabs open, the romantic relationship or even situation that she is in is always in the first three tabs. She is able to bounce back and forth between all of them, and because she has an easier capacity for tapping into her emotions, she is also more readily able to describe what it is she's feeling, what she needs, or even how to talk about a particular issue. The masculine is different, though. I will never forget my conversation with a male client a few years back in which we talked about this difference. At the time, his partner didn't understand why he couldn't text or talk to her from work occasionally. And it wasn't because he didn't want to, but because he literally felt as if his brain wasn't able to switch back and forth between doing work and trying to engage with this partner that he loved very much. So we came up with a metaphor for the brain of the masculine. And we're going to slow down as we do. Consider a giant warehouse with hundreds of shelves. On each shelf are hundreds of boxes, each one representing a part of his life, friends, children, work, home, future plans, and his romantic relationship. But to access one of these boxes, you must take a forklift and go to where the box is located. You have to slowly raise it up, slowly take the box down, and then you have to open it. And only one box can be opened at a time. You get into the unfortunate way society has disconnected men from their hearts, and so they have a slower emotional processing time. And you can see how with the differences that exist, why it can feel like neither the masculine or the feminine can be on the same page. And so using that metaphor and the gentleman that I have spoken with, you can see why if he was at work with essentially his work box opened in front of him, the process that it would take his brain in order to put away that box to get the relationship box out to text or call his girlfriend. So it's not always an issue of whether someone wants to or not, especially if they're showing up in a healthy way. Sometimes it truly is the ability and the differences between genders, between even the energies that exist within people, regardless of self-identification. What if a man or the masculine, knowing that he wants to be the one to say, I've got you, babe, and the woman in his life actually feeling it, is how much time is he given to go through his relationship box? Does he take it off the shelf willingly, even when he's not with the woman or a person in his life? Does he think about them, their future, or even that he potentially misses them? And does she give him time and conversations and discussions, and even in the process of their relationship, to actually figure out how he feels? Or instead, does she rush him for an answer simply because she already knows hers? There is also a widely controversial idea that men and women fall in love differently, which also could affect whether a man truly ends up with that cheerleader that he desires, and a woman feels really gotten and supported by her partner. It is said that men need more time to fall in love, not surprising given that they need more emotional processing time, but that they also need that time apart from sex, while women, and thanks to our physiological response to intercourse, tend to fall in love during intimacy, sometimes whether we even want to or not. So taking this idea into a society of instant gratification, porn, dating apps, and even apps to cheat on your partner with, unfortunately they do exist, is it any surprise that men aren't being given the time to actually fall in love, and women are accepting less than we deserve simply because we've already bonded to someone? While someone can say they've got you, that feeling is actually one that takes time to build, versus, of course, the love-bombing or over-promising that's often done early in a relationship. And of course, there is also the threat of weeing too soon, which, as much as it appeals to women, is a red flag as well, because those that are using we very early in the relationship, for instance, we should take a holiday this winter, we should go visit my parents, often are not even consciously aware that they have no intention or ability to even follow through. To have someone genuinely say, I've got you, and mean it, or even to say if they are that cheerleader that you desire, it takes time, and in a world where no one wants to wait and patience is at a minimum, is it any wonder that many of us end up feeling unsatisfied in our relationships? Although it definitely breaks the current standards for dating, when I'm talking with clients and we're texting before their date, I actually only semi-joke to make sure to keep the cookie in the cookie jar, meaning if they're just starting to date someone, they need to abstain from intimacy if what they're after is a long-term relationship. Of course, if they're just looking for fun new experiences, by all means, go and enjoy yourself and your amazing body, but if you're actually looking for something long-term, something healthy, something that is built on stability and consistency, we're not necessarily going to find that by jumping into bed too quickly. Sure, we've heard the fairy tales and even seen the movies about how a one-night stand ends up turning into an incredible relationship. The reality, though, is seldom, if ever, does that exist outside of the entertainment industry. Spending time in a relationship before intimacy is introduced allows you to see how you genuinely feel about someone, and it also gives the masculine the ability to better understand their own feelings about whether this is just a casual encounter or if they want something more. Being able to hold out for what you want is the hardest choices to make in a relationship, and yet it really is what it takes to finally achieve it. During this time of no intimacy, it is your chance to truly get to know one another without the draw of chemistry and sex becoming involved. It's where you can see how they treat their family, their friends, how they handle anger, and even disappointment, and it's in this phase where you can also see are they following through on their words or even stepping up to support you in the ways that you need. Once sex is introduced, it seems it becomes easy to drop your standards, your needs, and suddenly you are fixated only on when you'll see one another again because you are living in that delicious but dangerous love bubble of hormones rather than real affection. As women, or even the feminine, we want to be your cheerleaders, men, and the masculine. We want to reinforce your talents, your good heart, and how we believe in you, but you also need to give us something to believe in. You have to show us that the words of affirmation we speak to you are warranted and that we're not just telling you what you want to hear, and men do truly want to say, I've got you and mean it. They want to be the person you call when your world is falling apart, and they also want to be the one that you go to in order to celebrate a win, but you also can't be gotten if you don't actually create space in your life for them to show up, and while this is earned slowly, it doesn't mean that it still won't feel like a risk to let someone into your world and start taking over a lot of what has been weighing you down. One of the women I work with has recently been talking about feeling disconnected from her partner because of his lack of follow-through. She has to be the one to make the plans. She has to reach out, follow up, make herself available, and she began feeling really resentful because she felt if she took a step back to make space, he wouldn't step forward and actually be there in all the ways she needed. At this point, not only was it affecting her ability to even want to be around him, but she was questioning even ending the relationship altogether. Yet, the only way to discover if someone will step in is to actually be brave enough to take that step back, and so after an honest and transparent conversation that she had with him, her and I spoke, but at that time, she felt disheartened because he didn't really say much, yet knowing it takes men longer doesn't mean he wasn't processing it. It only means that he needed time. A few weeks later, her and I spoke again. This time, it was because she was triggered because he started talking about moving closer to her, planning a family vacation, and even starting to discuss what retirement would look like together. While this was everything that she actually wanted, she hadn't been prepared to accept it as of yet, which of course is where her work now exists. Rather than emotionally engaging in a conversation, this gentleman in her life simply stepped up with actions, which is the most common response of the masculine, and remember, the idea in relationships isn't to approach everything the same, but to be able to complement one another in all the ways that we truly need, but this also really points to that significance of processing time in general when there are significant conversations. That means conversations about becoming official, staying together, breaking up, marriage, commitment, moving in, meeting family, all of those bigger milestones, something that we're looking to do for the first time that we've never done before. On average, regardless of what the specific issue is, the feminine will have decided or knows how she feels about something within 72 hours, three days, whereas the masculine will need a month or four weeks. That means during this month of processing, the feminine needs to hold the space to not bring up the issue again and to focus on herself and any themes of anxiety that potentially might arise. Essentially, she is trusting in this space that she's creating that she has vocalized and advocated for whatever issue or question came up, and in the meantime, while she's still engaging and maybe talking about weekend plans with him as he calls, she's also taking that energy and focusing on herself. She's trusting that she planted the seeds and now is fully aware that it will take time to bloom. The idea is to give the masculine a chance to not only fully process everything, but to also make any changes. No big changes can be made within four weeks following an important conversation, because not everyone involved may fully understand or even know what they want yet, and in order to hear the words, I've got you, babe, and believe it, you must give the masculine energy in your life time to actually show up in that way. So for today's nugget, it seems important to realize just because relationships have taken a detour doesn't mean that you can't get your romantic life back on track and truly feel not only supported by your partner, but loved, appreciated, and of course courted in the best possible ways. But it does mean you must change how you approach dating and relationships, understanding that if you want something, well, you must create the space to receive it. And as long as you keep accepting less than what you want, then that is also what you will receive. Because the truth is, we all deserve the I've got you, babe. We all deserve that cheerleader who believes in us no matter what. We just need to give ourselves time so that we're investing our energy and our attention and love into building the connection that can and will actually meet our needs. This has been Soul Gold. May you never stop seeking what you know is meant for you. Bye.