Episode 1 traumarc

The first episode of a new podcast explores the topic of trauma. The hosts want to create a safe space to share personal stories of how trauma has affected people's lives. They discuss how trauma can be a one-time event or ongoing, like abuse. Trauma can lead to physical and emotional symptoms such as anxiety, flashbacks, and trouble trusting others. Healing from trauma involves acknowledging and accepting what has happened, although it never completely goes away. The hosts also discuss the importance of finding positive ways to cope with trauma and moving forward. Welcome to our first episode. I know, it's exciting, isn't it? Oh my goodness gracious. Yeah, how did we come up with this theme? From us. Yeah. So I think I'm just thinking, what can we make a podcast about? There are so many true crime podcasts out there. A lot of inspirational ones. A lot of self-help. Positive mindfulness. And we were like, let's do trauma. Let's do trauma. Let's do trauma, but ours is more on a personal experience rather than a, let's fix it. Because we're not here to fix you. We're here to tell stories and we want to hear your personal stories. Yeah. We want to share how trauma touches people's lives and how they've lived through it. Yeah, and it's a safe space. No judgement. And it'll be somewhere where we'll all be able to allow each other to heal and move forward. Yeah, so let's get into it. Okay. Let's talk about the way of trauma. So really, trauma's hidden. Right. You can't see it. And it definitely is an imprint on a person's life. Forever. Honestly. It's an emotional response to something that's really deeply distressing or shocking. Whether it's a one-time event like an accident. Head up. Okay. Yeah. We're going to get into yours later, Tina. But it's definitely how that's... One-time event that led to lifelong events. Lifelong. Sure. But also that you're coming out of a lot of that in terms of the choices. You're making more positive choices. And I'm making more positive choices sometimes. You do fall back into it though. Yeah. You've got to forgive yourself. Yeah. That's trauma. It really affects us so much that it's easy to take one step backwards. Yeah. But then you can always move forward. I mean, there's always this pull. Especially when it's immediate trauma. Yeah. And there's a pull to go back into that. And it's so layered. It's so complex. And people don't understand it. People do not understand. Like I know Jules has taken him... Jules is my husband, everyone. And it's taken him a very, very, very long time. He's now 60. Sorry. It's taken him a very long time. It's been to really understand why I keep going back... Oh, I'm going to hear the kids talking. Yeah, you hear that sometimes. Why I keep going back to my parents. He finds that really difficult. So, yeah. Trauma is either a one-off event or something that's ongoing like abuse. Like for me, it's ongoing. I'm 54. It's ongoing. That is not what it does. No. This is how you see the world. How you see yourself. And often this is powerlessness, confusion, or even fear. Yeah, fear is a big one. Yeah. So, when you experience trauma, it can feel like you're disconnected from your usual self. Did you ever experience that? Oh, all the time. And you compartmentalise. So, when you had your accident, I felt forced and encouraged to go back to work. And I had to have a nurse maybe look after you. Yeah. I mean, it was months after you'd had your accident. And, like, for me, I'd be going, okay, so I'm at work and I drive with parts of my work because of the... The listeners don't know. Yeah, I don't want them to know that. Oh, okay. I actually don't want anyone to know because I don't want them to pick up what I do. Really? Yeah, I don't. Okay, fair enough. No. So, yeah, I'd be driving. And, look, I'm a therapist, so I deal with people's trauma every day. And I was able to just compartmentalise. So, I'd listen and do some treatment and then jump in the car and I'd just burst into tears. And I'd get to the next job and... Why would you burst into tears? Well, because of what had happened. But I was alive. Yeah, you were alive, but it was the trauma, the effects that that happened. Oh. And that you did nearly die trying. And then the ongoing... Oh, come on. The ongoing, long-lasting, you know, effects that had on you and the treatment was... It wasn't very comfortable for you. That affected me. I'd be in the car. I'm going to cry now. I'd be in the car and I'd cry my head off. And then I'd close the door, get to my next job. Yeah. It's like nothing happened. There we go, guys. We'll get into that. I'm going to bring up my story. Not mine in particular. You've done this episode. Yes. So, hold out for that one. Yeah. There can be a lot of physical and emotional symptoms, like anxiety, flashbacks, numbness, or even trouble trusting others. Some people might push their feelings down, but eventually they find a way to come up to the surface in unexpected ways. Yeah, I don't trust people. Yeah. That'll... Yeah, look, I understand them all. Yeah, I find it very hard trusting people because of what they can do. There's a lot of sinister people out there. Absolutely. So, I've also struggled with making friends all my life. You know, I haven't trusted people to let them in. I hardly wanted to tell people what had happened to me when I was younger. It's very different now. Now, I've come out with it because I feel like it's something I need to be ashamed of. I think that's important, that you can sit down and you do that. Yeah. Yeah. You're comfortable. You're confident. You're confident. I'm comfortably confident. Comfortably confident. Comfortably confident. Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, and the thing about trauma, it doesn't go away. It doesn't disappear. Yeah, it doesn't. That's a fallacy. I mean, you get over trauma. Bullshit. Yeah. How? Where? Never. When? Exactly. It doesn't happen. But, you know, you can change how your brain and body reacts to things. That's the thing. Almost like you've got a heightened alert system of danger. I know. I always go to fight and flight and you'll do that. Yeah. Well, I always go 0 to 100. Yeah. So, definitely a heightened alert system. Yeah. Even when things are calm, you're kind of going, when's the next one going to happen? When's the next one going to happen? Mm-hmm. So, you might have more trouble relaxing or feeling safe. Feeling safe. That's a big one, isn't it? It is. Mm-hmm. So, like, surviving trauma and even thriving after it is possible. 100%. It usually involves a mix of things. Like what? First. So, first, you've got to acknowledge that it happened. Sometimes that's the hardest part. I think it is because it took me, not until I was in my 40s, to actually tell people, like friends, what had happened to me as a child. Yeah. How severely it means to all of us. It's horrible. Yeah. That's the first step of your healing. Exactly. Your healing journey. You don't get over it. No. But you've got to accept it and acknowledge it. Yeah. Accept that it's happened. Mm-hmm. And that's really hard. And just moving through that and knowing you're... Do you know when you let go of it and you actually talk about it? Yeah. It doesn't have a control over you anymore. No. Like, I didn't... I don't want to say accept or acknowledge because I knew what had happened to me. I didn't... I didn't stop shaming myself for being disabled until I was about 26. See, I would find that really challenging to hear you say you're disabled because I see you as abled. I don't. Well, I'm far more abled than most people. Yeah. And that's... I think it's... I'm not acknowledging what's happened to me. I'm definitely disabled. Bye-bye. I'm definitely disabled. See, I choose to see all the strengths in you. 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I still find it really difficult doing small talk. I still don't like doing that. I don't want to do it. So, if you don't want to do small talk, what would you rather? Would you rather just get into the... Deep dive. Deep dive. Yeah. Because also, I find that... Why am I doing that with this person? I'm not going to see him again. Or I'm not going to... I don't want to be part of their lives. I don't want to bother. I don't bother. Yeah. And I know that's a barrier to developing relationships. Well, keeping yourself safe, isn't it? Yeah. For me, it's about that safety essence. And I've always said to Jules, I'd rather go live on an isolated island and fish all day than be around a group of people. Yeah. And talk to the fishes. Yeah. Talk to the fishes. They won't fight and they won't hurt me. They won't. They won't have small talk. That's for sure. Yeah. I mean, honestly, because you don't feel safe or you don't feel like it's real. When your foundation of trust has been shaken, conversations can feel so shallow. Yeah, they can. Yeah. And you might feel it harder to connect with others on a deeper level. Connect with others. Connect. Connect. Connect. Okay. This is awesome. Oh, wait a minute. I don't have to pull you up on that. Yeah. And the reality is, it's hard to engage with the world when you feel like it's out to hurt you or betray you. It's very true. I have to admit that a lot of the time. It's like a tablecloth. You have to take my feet away. I'm sorry if you can hear the tablecloth. No, you're playing with the tablecloth right now. No, it's not my feet. Stop doing that. What about... So, another coping mechanism is binge eating. Yay. Something that I have done for the past two months. So, I haven't pinpointed why, but I have just been having sugar. I've been having, pretty much, a pizza or ice cream every other day. Yeah. What is this about for you? Well, I don't want to listen to that. I might actually be replacing alcohol. Because, everyone, I am 112 days sober. So, the sugar might be a coping mechanism. Yeah. So, it's just a determination, that self-control that I need to practice. So, while this might seem unrelated, it can be a response to emotional distress, and I think... Distress. I said distress. You said distress. Alright. Do it again. No. Make me out like that. So, that's very true, because I was drinking, because I was emotionally distressed. Yeah. However, there's a bit more to your drinking than that. Your drinking was a lot to do with I think that's your coping. Hmm? I think that's your coping as well. Perseveration. Alcoholics don't have a perseveration of their drinking. So, perseveration is different to that. Perseveration is more about the fact that you can't stop. Yeah. Because of the brain injury. No, no, no. Even alcoholics, they don't get a stop button. They just keep going. Most people, like yourself, you don't even hit it. No. Most people go, oh, I've had enough. With alcoholics, you just go, no, I haven't had enough. So, you identify as an alcoholic. I am identifying as an alcoholic. Okay. Mm-hmm. Well, that's news to me, isn't it? Well, there you go. Welcome to the first episode of Already Making Concessions. Yeah. Oh, wow. Okay. When we're triggered by family, thank you, when we're triggered by family issues or memories, it's not uncommon to turn to a way to feel comfort or control. But what starts as a way to numb or soothe can turn into an unhealthy cycle. And this cycle can keep us trapped in a loop of pain and avoidance instead of addressing the deeper emotional hurt that needs healing. That's so true. That's so true. Like, whenever I'm triggered by the familiar stuff. Binge. Frickin' binge like there's no... And you know you never get through with the binge. You don't. It's horrible. Tell me about it. There's no ice cream. I know. It doesn't... I think it... It's so much more. We can't talk. But when you're doing it in the moment, there's not enough food that you can stuff down that hole. No. What's the next thing? Because you don't want to think about what you're thinking about. Exactly. And you don't want to... And that's what it's about. But then you're out of control. Getting yourself so uncomfortable that that's all you can think about. You're not thinking about the other stuff that's making you uncomfortable. So true. So true. Oh my God. And then there's anxiety. That overwhelming, suffocating feeling that makes it hard to breathe. I've ended up in hospital a few times with anxiety. I've had a panic attack, yeah. Oh my God. Yeah, I was in Borromeo. For the first... No, it wasn't. The first time was when... Sure, when you were a child. When I was... Yeah, when I was 13, I had my first panic attack. But I'll go through that. But I wasn't hospitalized for that. I was hospitalized the first time when I was nearly married. And I was working in a psych unit. Oh, perfect. I know. Place to work. That's what we do with anxiety. Yeah, but I've never acknowledged I've had anxiety. No? And even when it happened, when this severe panic attack happened, I wasn't aware of the panic attack. I actually thought it was something physical that was happening to me rather than understanding it was a physical manifestation of anxiety. And so I was hooked up on a whole lot of heart... What did you just do, Trina? You missed it. Well, I had to press enter before the wall could go down. Now we don't know where we are. There we go. There we are. Okay. Okay, so for me it was... Yeah, so I was hooked up to a whole lot of cardiac machines. My heart was falling. And... And that's it. I think. And then they said, I do believe you're having a panic attack. Oh, boy. And that's it. And my panic attacks would end up manifesting physically. So I was shaking. What a feeling in the world. I know. Until I learned to go on a whole lot of intensive therapy for that. What type of intensive therapy? It was... Totally different. Yeah. Yeah. And a whole lot of breath work. And really being educated on... on anxiety and trauma. And understanding that it doesn't have power over you. Whereas I always felt like it had power over me. It controlled me. Yeah. You controlled the... thoughts. You controlled them. Yeah. Thoughts come and go. Like, you'll have a thousand thoughts a day. And they're just thoughts. So... panic attacks can feel like they come out of nowhere. They do. And the worst thing is when they come at night when you're asleep. Oh, yeah. I hate that. I can't sleep. Yeah. And it's due to a physical manifestation of unresolved emotional wounds. That's so untrustable. Yeah. And the deeper those wounds go the harder it is to escape that cycle of fear. Very true. I do a lot of Brandon Bones work. She's a... What's a Brandon Bones? Natural healer. And she took me through meditation. Deep types of meditation. Oh, I love that. To get me through understanding those levels of trauma. You get yourself to that trauma level. Like, you go deep into a meditation. And you trigger the memory. Yeah. Like that. And you're at that memory. And it's changing. It's changing that memory. It's making a positive memory rather than a negative memory. Yeah. Changing that perspective. Not necessarily. It's not necessarily changing the perspective but more reprogramming your brain. So that you're... So you don't let that control you. Yeah. Yeah. Right. I think I'm talking too much. But I can edit that out. Yeah. But concentrate on what's here rather than concentrate on the actual... Yeah. process. So concentrate on this. Doing this. That's right. Rather than going, oh, we're forging, we're doing this, we're doing that. Don't concentrate on that. Just let it just flow. Let the ebb and flow happen. Yeah, okay. And then you're going to do it. The more you concentrate on that, the less it's going to be authentic. Yeah. That's good to say. Oh my goodness, your whole life has been trauma. One trauma after the next, after the next, after the next. That's motherhood, isn't it? Well, it's life. My God. It's life. And so what you're doing with it. Yeah. I just did that whole one. Oh. I just did all that. Oh, okay. Yeah, you did. Okay. Okay. You can just start like, you know, now being, you know, highly sensitive can sometimes be a good thing, because, you know, trauma, you know, you can say, oh, the trauma response for me is really highly sensitive. Oh. Why am I talking about being highly sensitive? Is anxiety highly sensitive? No, it's just part of trauma. You're heightened sensitively. Okay. Sensitivity. So the next thing, you... Well, another trauma. So another response, yeah, we can get into is being highly sensitive. So that can either feel like a blessing or a curse. Yeah, I get criticized a bit a lot being highly sensitive. Ageless. Yeah. Most women do. Oh, that's a messy one. This is not a messy one. Sorry, guys. We don't like to hurt people. No, we don't like that. We don't like to say things like that. We don't hurt people. No, we never hurt people. Yeah. We don't hurt people. We don't hurt people. We can. Oh, no. It would all be silly. Okay. You can see... I've got to start again there. Yeah, start again. So another thing that trauma can do to us is cause us to be highly sensitive, which can feel like a blessing or a curse. So on one hand, you can feel deeply apathetic and attuned to the needs of others as a way to protect yourself. Oh, my God, that's me. I'm highly sensitive to other people. You are. And then you get into the final slide. Yeah. Are they going to hurt me? Are they going to hurt me? Yeah, that's it. You've got to keep yourself safe. See, but on the other hand, when you experience trauma, this sensitivity can make criticism feel unbearable. Even the smallest comment from someone you care about can feel like a punch to the gut. Oh, God, yeah. And you get into wanting to attack and fight people. Yeah, see, I did really well today when I was speaking to you earlier and you told me that I had to stop spending money because I had gone to Kmart. I wanted to jump down their throat and say, you can't call me that. I'm 28. But then I thought, you know what? Actually, let's not react because I have gone to you as a safe person and asked you to help me with my spending. Yeah, so through you. I have. Yeah. Yeah, it's interesting isn't it? Because you actually, and that's one of your little bingo goals. You don't have a bingo card. You didn't want to spend. So yeah, I'm not going to cut that out because I won't put that in there. Why? I'm not going to cut that out. See, that's why you're sensitive. No, I've just decided to take from patronising. See, I don't think it's patronising. It's more demonstrating that that's one thing you wanted to work on but you're going to be sensitive about it. Yeah, but you don't have to. You put it on the little bingo card like that. I can say it better. Yeah, and it doesn't matter. Do it. Edit it. No, edit it. This is such good content for what we're talking about. Yeah. So it's not just... Do you have density? Do you got density? I did. I did get some today. That was a good example about being highly sensitive. I know, because it's not just about the words being said. It's about the vulnerability and fear they trigger. So my fear is that I'm not good at taking money and that I have spent all my money. And I think I'm better at that. And then when someone points it out, I react. Which is what you just did. Isn't that interesting? Yeah. Yeah. What's not interesting? Facts. It's facts, but there you go, everyone. That was your trigger. Your trigger is... Yeah. I want to... I want to spend money, and I know I can impulsively spend. And then I say, can you let me know what I'm impulsively spending when I've thought up for you? Do you want to check? Yeah. Do you know if you're good enough? Is that right? No. I was financially abused. So anyone who I do not understand, I don't snap it. I understand. You do. We're in this too, guys. Yeah. So I will get snappy when someone's going to tell me not to spend something. Yeah. So yeah, it can bring out a fear of not being good enough. Yeah. Or fear that you're going to be rejected or abandoned. Yeah. And I think that's why we get snappy and highly sensitive. Yeah. We can block people out. You know, just like my mother, many survivors will try and find themselves thinking, I attract abuse. I always thought that until I stopped that thought pattern. Mm-hmm. And I attract this abuse because I must deserve it. No one deserves it. No, no one deserves it. No one deserves to be abused. Not at all. See how powerful the power of thought is. It's awesome. Yeah. That is an incredibly painful belief system that we put on ourselves. Mm-hmm. You know, it's one that can develop when we have been conditioned to tolerate unhealthy relationships, like you said, with our ex, or toxic behavior. When our self-worth has been shattered, we might subconsciously allow others to treat us poorly. Yeah. You know what? I agree. I've done that. I did that. That was my six-year abusive relationship. Yep. Yep. Yep. See, I've got to get to the bottom of why I felt unworthy, though. Because I still don't understand why I felt unworthy. I remember you telling me you never felt good enough because of your accident. Yeah, I did feel the same. I knew that. Yeah, and so when you had this relationship, it was like, this will do. This will do was one of your thoughts. This will do. And I'll make it fit. This will do. And I'll make it fit. And I'll make him fit. Yeah, I wanted to meet someone young and stay with them. Yeah, and even though he was abusing it. And we picked it up. We did. And we brought it up with you. You just wouldn't listen to us. No, you wouldn't listen to me. You wouldn't listen to me. Poor me. Poor you. I was in more trauma. Yeah. But you got out of it, and that's important. And you feel so much more better about yourself. And it's so confusing talking about that. Because part of us know we deserve better, but trauma often convinces us that we don't. You convince yourself that he was it, that that's all you could, that's all you deserved. And can make us believe that no one truly likes us or values us. But here's the truth. Abuse is never deserved. Ever. And if you've experienced it, it doesn't mean you're broken or unworthy of love. Trauma can twist our perception of the world and ourselves, but it doesn't define who we are or who we can become. Yes. We have the power to heal. It's possible to break free from these harmful beliefs and start to rebuild a healthy sense of self-worth. It's a journey, and it won't happen overnight. But it starts with understanding the impact trauma has had and taking small, courageous steps towards healing. It is one small step at a time. So if any of this resonates with you, please know you are not alone. It's okay to feel broken. I feel broken a lot of the time. I feel like my brain's broken. But then I'll put myself together and break again. And it's okay to not have all the answers. Healing isn't linear, and some days you'll feel harder than others. But remember, the work is not defined by your past, by the abuse you've endured, or by the way you've been treated. You deserve love. You deserve respect. And you deserve kindness, starting with the way you treat yourself. And I think that's the highlight today, and take that away with you. It's how you treat yourself. So if you're struggling, reach out, whether it's a therapist, a support group, or even a trusted friend. Just help out there. Thank you guys for tuning in today to Trauma. Remember, your story is important. Your healing is possible. And no matter where you are in your journey, you are worthy of peace and love. Amen. Take care of yourself, and we'll see you next time. We'll see you next time with my story. Woo!