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Part 7 of a crooked touch by eyes_of_the_lamb https://archiveofourown.org/works/50632456
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Part 7 of a crooked touch by eyes_of_the_lamb https://archiveofourown.org/works/50632456
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Part 7 of a crooked touch by eyes_of_the_lamb https://archiveofourown.org/works/50632456
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Tav is becoming more skilled and ruthless at killing. He no longer counts the number of kills, as survival is his main focus. He fights alongside a Starian, who is a master at killing. Tav is plagued by a pulsing headache but dismisses it. Astarion, a Starian, is concerned about Tav's strange behavior. Tav offers his wrist for Astarion to feed on, but Astarion rejects the offer and warns Tav to fix his issues. Tav becomes angry and starts killing more eagerly. During a battle, Tav is paralyzed and controlled by an enemy. Astarion tries to stop him, and Tav ends up attacking him. Tav realizes his actions and is filled with fear and regret. Part 7 of A Crooked Touch by Eyes of the Lamb Those Killing Words Tav's getting better at killing. Or maybe he's just getting colder. He doesn't count them anymore, hasn't for a long time. Once it all started happening too quickly to keep track, survival doesn't leave time for anything else. Core thrust there, aim for Drugar's chest, sidestep, shield bash, take him while he's dizzy, cut him down and on to the next, guts on the floor, don't slip, axe swinging from the left, no, bolt in his throat, he's down, the starring got him, where is, there he is, safe, out of the way, back to the killing. Karlak screaming, it's a good scream, no need to worry, Drugar go down harder than goblins, they make Tav sweat, give him a challenge, it's useful, when he's thinking about how to live through the next few seconds, he's not thinking about how to live through the next few days, much less the vaguely terrifying possibility that he might live much longer than that, and he doesn't kill alone, a starian, a starian, such a beautiful shot with those crossbows, but what Tav likes best is when a starian takes to the killing floor alongside him, daggers twirling, Tav's no fumbling student anymore, but a starian is ever the master, blood is his element, flesh his canvas, two centuries spent perfecting his art, Tav sets him up for kill after kill, shoving back his foes to die screaming on a starian's blades, and he always pulls his sword at the last, striking to maim but not to kill, one left alive so a starian can feed, sometimes he thinks he can do this forever, he'll have to do this forever, the tadpoles will never be cured, there will always be something, someone to protect, and maybe that isn't so bad, he can go on killing until his body gives out, and when his body gives out he won't have to think at all, he can just sleep like the dead until it's time to wake up and kill again, over and over and over and over, then he comes down, fill your bowl, Gale holds up a ladle of soup, meets Tav's gaze, there's a question in his eyes, but Tav's too tired to decipher it, sure, Tav smiles, delicious, he senses his companions turning to look at him, and his nerves prickle, danger, his body sings, but Tav pushes the reaction down, they're in camp, they're safe, his fingers are itching for his sword, but he won't draw it, you haven't actually had any yet, Gale says awkwardly, Tav blinks, sure enough, his bowl is clean, and his mouth tastes of blood, not soup, I meant it always tastes great, you're a good cook, and you're acting strange, Lozell says, a head injury, perhaps, with a skull as soft as yours, it was bound to happen sooner or later, Tav can't roll out the possibility that he does have a head injury, it wouldn't be the first time he's failed to notice a wound until after a battle's finished, but when he touches his head, carding his fingers carefully through his short, cropped hair, he doesn't find any new bruises or bumps, just a faint, pulsing headache without a clear source, no, I'm fine, he rolls his shoulders, don't worry, Shadowheart, no magic needed today, I wasn't worried, Shadowheart says, though Tav thinks she's lying, she sounds like maybe she isn't confident that she has the right spell for this, then once everyone's staring at, Tav hears the bite of his anger in his voice, strange, he doesn't feel it, he just feels empty, tired, come on, let's eat, any luck, we'll be in the Shadowcurse land tomorrow, and that means I need everyone at their best, you heard the man, Astarion says from across the fire, he's fine, no need for your incessant badgering, thank the gods for Astarion, at least there's one person in the camp who isn't worried about him, when Tav meets his clear, crimson gaze, Astarion looks calmly back at him, face a perfect mask, the killing never bothers Astarion, so why should it bother Tav, they carve a trail of corpses through the Underdark, then they're in the Grimm's Forge, where the air is so hot Tav feels like he's boiling in his own sweat, he hasn't had the chance to breathe since the arcane tower two days ago, Astarion still won't come to him at night, but at least he's feeding on their enemies again, he looks strong, healthy, Tav wants to keep him that way, that desire, that compulsion, keeps him going when nothing else works, you've been very boring lately, Astarion informs him as they cross the Cumberland stone walkway over a river of magma, is it the heat, perhaps the lack of sunlight, I wouldn't ordinarily describe you as a bundle of joy, exactly, but you used to tell Gale off for talking too much, and I rather miss it, not you too, Tav says, oh don't get me wrong darling, I'm not concerned, I just like this new, heroic flavor of you slightly less than the original, Astarion studies him, and his tone drops, turning suggestive, perhaps all you need is a distraction, or a nice bloodletting, we can even use your pretty little knife, Tav stops, he waits for Will and Karlaak to keep moving across the bridge until they're out of earshot, then he strips off his gauntlet and offers Astarion his wrist, if you're hungry, go ahead, just a taste, we're not done for the day, he searches Astarion's face for that flicker of hunger, the only emotion Astarion rarely bothers to disguise, and to Tav's faint satisfaction, he sees it, but then it's gone, and Astarion draws back from him like Tav's the one with fangs, I'm not a starving dog, he hisses, don't throw me scraps and expect me to lick your face in gratitude, Mizelle was right, there is something wrong with your head, fix it my dear, or you'll be of no use to me anymore, fear, Astarion's voice is dripping with it, Tav blinks, utterly beboiled, isn't that what you wanted, he almost asks, sorry, he says instead, I'm trying, he'll do better, he'll kill faster, spill even more blood, to show Astarion he doesn't need to be afraid, Tav isn't going to break down in fits of remorse, not while they have a job to do, he's past all that, past trying to take the easy way out, it's the sunlight, Astarion mutters half to himself, it takes time, getting used to the dark, I'd forgotten, Tav tries on a smile, hoping it doesn't look like a grimace, given that we're headed into the shadow cursed lands next, I should have plenty of time to get used to it, put your gauntlet back on darling, don't smile like that, you look ghostly, Tav can hear Astarion's fear shivering underneath it all, it makes Tav feel sulky, challenged, Astarion shouldn't be afraid, not with him, Tav will die before he hurts Astarion on purpose, and so will anyone else who tries, come on, let's go dig up a drow. The drow, Nier, isn't grateful, at least not after Tav punches him in the face for burning a gnome to death faster than anyone could react, Tav's angry, furious, and oh, that's a nice change, so much better than all that emptiness, he draws his sword and sets to killing more eagerly than he's ever taken a lover to bed, now he sees the similarities, understands exactly why Astarion finds both of these pursuits so thrilling, it's about getting lost in blood, breath, sweat, bleeding from the mouth, Nier falls back behind a living shield of Rugar and raises his hands, his voice lifts, chanting unfamiliar words in the swell of arcane power, Tav tastes honey, and his sword arm falls, he stands motionless in the crush of battle, his muscles aren't working, won't obey his commands, he's been paralyzed, hells, not again, no, he needs to be killing, needs to defend, ah, Nier sighs, voice settling into Tav's brain right beside the tadpole, perfection, the best combination, strength, killer instincts, and a weak will, Tav, Will shouts, his voice muffled, oh gods, Tav, kill your friends, Nier purrs, quickly, watch out, Karlaak, he's right, fuck, Tav, what are you doing, no, no, hold on, I'll be, Will, duck, Will, no, no, please, please, just let me die, don't make me do this, kill me, Astarion, Karlaak's panicked, despairing voice, don't hurt him, it's not him, Will's going for the caster, I'm not going to hurt him, Astarion glides backward, blood-soaked blades testing the air, crimson eyes fixed intently on Tav, we're just going to dance for a while, aren't we, darling, he's all Tav can see, everything else fades away to a low, distant hum, I'll accept that command ringing in Tav's head, burrowing into him, eating him from the inside, kill your friends, Tav can't break free, he's not strong enough, his mind is dulled, dim and insubstantial as a shadow from all his time spent choking on the blood he spilled, Nier knew that somehow, he knew Tav was weaker than anyone else on the battlefield, but Astarion can equal him, Astarion can save him, Astarion can end him, come here, love, Astarion spreads his arms wide, making himself a target, do your worst, Tav moves, faster than he thought possible, faster than Astarion's ever seen him move, his sword plunges down, Astarion cuts him, shoulder, thigh, Tav doesn't feel the pain, just the heat and wet, he stumbles, but without the pain, the strikes cancel him for long, again, he rises in utter silence and lunges, blade aimed for Astarion's heart, Astarion twists out of the way, but he isn't smirking anymore, fear shines through the cracks in his mask, will, dearest, get a fucking move on, I can't hold him forever, don't stall, Tav begs him, finish me before I finish you, but he can't beg, Nier's magic is relentless, Tav charges and at the last second, right before Astarion can sidestep, his arm jerks upward, changing targets, his blade parts flesh, draws a warm spray of blood, Astarion staggers, clutching his throat, that's all the opening Tav needs, he drives the shoulder into Astarion's chest and takes him to the ground, feels the crack of bone as they land, Astarion coughs blood in his face, his eyes are wide, so wide, he's terrified, Tav's hands are on his neck and his fingers are wet and squeezing, Nier's shriek blooms in Tav's brain, stunning him, blacking out the world, he sees a flash through Nier's eyes, will standing over him, chest heaving and blade dripping with gore, then it's gone, Nier is gone, Tav goes still, Astarion, a set of fiendishly strong, blazing hot hands lift him from Astarion's body like a doll and hurl him to the ground, oh no you don't soldier, Karlak sits on him, Tav's armor takes the worst of her infernal heat, but he still screams and writhes, calling for Astarion, he barely recognizes his own voice, he sounds like an animal that only knows a single word, Karlak, Will sounds exhausted, you can let him up, Nier's dead, so is everyone else, okay, okay, Karlak shifts, hear that Tav, it's over, the moment her weight rises off of him, Tav's on his hands and knees, dragging himself across the blood slick stone, his body is faster than his brain, he can't process what his eyes are seeing until he's already next to Astarion, Astarion who's sitting with his knees curled to his chest and one hand pressed to his throat to staunch the bleeding as he gingerly sips from a potion, Astarion is alive, Tav stares at him, Tav stares at him, other words are coming back to him now, the rest of his whole bloody language, but when he opens his mouth he still finds himself shaping the familiar syllables, Astarion, like a prayer, Astarion's eyes flash at him, but he doesn't speak, he probably can't yet, Tav can see the potion slowly working on him, knitting all those little scratches he must have taken in their scuffle, defensive wounds all over his hands and arms, Tav's heart breaks, he wants to glance away or jump into the magma and end it but he forces himself to go on looking, he did this, a hand lays on Tav's shoulder, don't beat yourself up, Will says, it could have been any of us, absolutely, Karlak says, right Astarion, to Tav's shock, Astarion nods, then he pulls his hand away from his throat, wincing, the wound hasn't fully closed, Tav can see its ragged edges but it's finally stopped bleeding, good thing it was you, Astarion doesn't sound anything like himself, his voice is raspy, grating, I hate to think of the mess Karlak would have made, truly, it could have been much worse, but darling, he coughs, try not to do that again, I have only so much blood and every drop ill-gotten at that, seems a waste to spill it, after today, Will says with a shaky laugh, you can have some of mine, Astarion smirks, be careful, Will dear, or I might accept that generous offer, try not to speak too soundly tonight, aww, Karlak sighs, I wish you could try mine, I bet I taste good, like the sweetest fire wine, I'm sure, Tav closes his eyes, all three of them, even Astarion, are trying far too hard, they don't sound natural at all, it's all for Tav's benefit, he knows, but he wishes his friends were better actors, or that Astarion, who is a fine actor, would end the fucking charade, and tell Tav what he truly thinks of him, weak, useless, you call yourself a shield, he still hasn't managed to say a single word that is in Astarion's name, he doesn't think that he could, if he tried, you've never killed before, Astarion says, Tav opens his eyes, for a moment he can't remember how he got here, or what Astarion's doing in his tent, lounging beside Tav's bedroll, like he belongs there, he hasn't been here in days, then he remembers, what are you talking about, Tav asks, he stares at Astarion's pale throat, at the faint ghost of a horizontal line there, besides his bite scars, I killed a dozen people just today, I almost killed you, darling, don't be tedious, I mean before, Astarion fixes him with an unblinking stare, on your pretty head, it was as empty as a fresh chamber pot, no tadpoles in sight, did you ever take a lie, Tav considers, but he doesn't see the point in lying, no, no, Astarion repeats, his voice almost like a sigh, like Tav's found another way to disappoint him, yet again, and here you are, playing the hardened killer, I hope you weren't trying to impress me, Tav lets out a choked laugh, I don't think anyone's impressed, least of all you, wrong, Astarion says softly, I am impressed, you very nearly had me, Tav's fingers quench, he's begun to shake, he realizes distantly, very very slightly, like the first wrigglings of a butterfly trying to escape his cocoon, he thought he was hollow, but now he feels something brewing inside him, something inexorable and terrifying, all it took was a few moments of sitting quietly next to Astarion like this, and it's all about to catch up to him, he doesn't want Astarion here for this, can we, his throat clenches, he tries again, can we talk later, not now, I wasn't planning to talk at all, Astarion says, there are far better ways to forget, he swings a leg over Tav, smooth and easy, he straddles him, Tav's whole body locks up, he stares at Astarion's face, there's a smear of blood on Astarion's lip, and for once, it isn't Tav, and Tav's right back there, straddling Astarion on the hot stone, staring into those terrified red eyes, as his hands wrap around Astarion's mauled throat, and squeeze, no, no, no, he pushes at Astarion's chest, frantic, no, get off, now, quick as a flash, Astarion dismounts, relief surges through Tav, after the last time he told Astarion to stop, he didn't think he'd listen, but after the relief comes the swell of something far more alarming, pressure in his chest, burning in his eyes, hells, darling, for once, Astarion's the one who sounds confused, it's been centuries, and I've been where you are, trust me, there's only one way to cope, you didn't kill me, I'm grateful, let me show you how grateful I am, stop, Tav grabs Astarion's wrist before his fingers can creep to the laces on Tav's trousers, hells, Astarion, stop, Astarion freezes, Tav's voice hitting him like a slap, I can't, Tav tries to draw breath, but his chest hitches, then again, he can't speak at all, it's ages before Astarion moves, Tav tries not to make a sound, terrified that someone will hear and come to investigate, will, his tent is nearest, or whoever's on watch, but his body shakes like he's falling apart, the pressure is unbearable, he can't get air into his lungs, then a cold, hesitant touch finds his cheek, Astarion stares at his own fingers, wet with Tav's tears, he looks stunned, you didn't want to harm me, his voice is naked, wondering, did you, it's a question Tav can't leave unanswered, no matter how hard it is for him to talk right now, of course I fucking didn't, I've been wicked to you, humiliated you in front of our allies, nearly drained you dry too many times to count, Tav almost reaches for him, but at the last moment, his empty hands curl in on themselves, settling for air, could never, he's gasping, never hurt you, he's air starved, black spots dance in front of his eyes, he hasn't lost any blood, but he feels almost a corpse, if this is what dying is like, he can't believe that he ever longed for it, breathe my dear, Astarion says, sounding rattled, one of us needs to, Tav shakes his head blindly, no, if nothing else, he needs Astarion to understand this, can't, I can't, I'd leave you, I see fingers wind through Tav, strong and sure, I can't quite grasp it, but I believe you, poor beautiful creature, you shouldn't still be alive, you know, it's quite late in the game for these sort of misgivings, Tav clings to him and breathes, like benediction, air comes rushing back into his lungs, the world returning in vibrant color, starting with Astarion's scarlet eyes, inches away from Tav, gazing at him with morbid fascination, you're going to have to change, Astarion says quietly, there isn't room in this world for people like you, fortunately, I can help, Tav shakes his head already, but Astarion unlicenses fingers from Tav and kisses him, his lips are cold and Tav is so weak to this, so utterly incapable of resistance, he wants to tell Astarion he's wrong, but if one of them has to change, it doesn't need to be Tav, but deep down in his heart of hearts, Tav already believes Astarion doesn't want to hurt him either, but he's so good at hurting Tav, and Tav knows, when something comes this easy, and feels this sweet, it's almost impossible to stop, he's kissing Astarion back, and Astarion is on top of him again, knees on either side of Tav's thighs, his weight rests against Tav's chest, and he's light as smoke, so light Tav hooks both arms around him to keep him from drifting away, Tav breaks from the kiss to suck down air, his lungs still starved, but he's even more starved for Astarion, for his touch, hmm, Astarion hums against Tav's lips, Tav can feel him smiling, see, I knew this would help, he settles his hips against Tav's, letting him feel his arousal, and Tav's body is swift to respond, heedless of what he actually wants, or what Astarion doesn't, or what's right, and correct, and moral to do, he's so lost, he's lost in the dark, and Astarion is his only light, and Tav can't trust him not to lead him somewhere all neither of them want to go, but what else can he do, if he lets go of Astarion now, he might never find him again, Astarion rocks against him, smooth and practiced, and nips at Tav's ear, not hard enough to draw blood, but enough to keep him present, you're becoming quite the terror, my sweet killer in training, don't fight it, my treasure, it isn't seramorphosis, you'll come out the other side, even more gloriously beautiful than before, like you, Tav gasps into Astarion's neck, yes, pretty thing, exactly like me, I don't, I don't want, don't want me, Astarion's hand snakes between them, and finds the swelling curve of Tav's cock, stroking him through his britches, your body isn't on the same page, I'm afraid, don't want to become you, Tav wraps his arms around Astarion, holds him close, he wants to squeeze even tighter, but he's so afraid, he can hear that awful crunch of bone, he whispers the next words, half hoping Astarion won't hear him, but to save you, I can't be saved, sweet thing, Astarion's grip tightens, you're two centuries too late, but it isn't too late for you, he dips his mouth to Tav's neck, grazing his skin with his teeth, teasing him, his hands work all the while, freeing both of them from their clothes, always a performance, doing two things at once, like neither of them require a moment's thought, and Tav's helpless to do anything but watch, naked, Astarion settles atop him again, Tav's hands move over him wonderingly, worshipfully, it feels impossible that someone could be so sharp in so many places, and yet so smooth, muscles shifting like silk under all that milk-white skin, it's like he isn't flesh and bone at all, but a being composed of otherworldly geometry, a visitor, one day, Astarion whispers, his voice bittering with every word, you won't hesitate to hurt me, Tav makes a strangled sound, never, you will love, or you'll die, don't call me that, then I'll die, Astarion's only reply is a groan, his hand around them both, his breathing is fast and shallow against Tav's neck, Tav trembles in his grip, waiting for the bite, but it doesn't come, Tav rolls his hips slowly forward, savoring the sweet friction of Astarion's hand and Astarion's cock, he moves deliberately, hoping to coax out the bloodlust he knows must be simmering just under the veneer of Astarion's control, Tav has one gift he can give, only one, and it'll never be enough, but it has to be enough, I'll never hurt you, Tav traces the raised welt of the scar on Astarion's back, and hate swells in him, pure hate, blinding and breathless, it fights for room in him alongside his desperate love, he can't fit them both, not for long, he'll burst, but I'll rip him to pieces, Astarion's head snaps up from Tav's neck with a snarl, but he still won't bite, he descends on Tav's face instead, licking the salt tears from his cheeks, Tav gasps, the sensation of Astarion's tongue moving over his face, it's indescribably strange, bestial in a way that makes him shudder with lust, you taste divine, Astarion's hand leaves his own cock and wraps fully around Tav's, all broken for me, break me more, ah, Astarion, make me bleed, where? Astarion asks wretchedly, nosing his neck, here, everywhere, everywhere, I need you, Astarion whimpers and breaks Tav's skin, he doesn't sink in and drink, he laps at the welling blood with a little sound equal parts suffering and rapture, his hand moving eagerly on Tav's cock, and then he moves on to do it all over again in another place, Tav's shoulder, the soft niche between arm and chest, below the peak of his left nipple, right over his heart, Tav's losing his mind, no, that's already gone, he's losing something else, his restraint, his patience, his humanity, Astarion will make a beast of him before he's through, Astarion, he's in deadly peril, he can feel those killing words rising to his lips, I love you, I love you, I love you, and it comes to him, the only way to save himself, he needs to fill his mouth with something that isn't love, Astarion cries out when Tav wrenches him off and flips him on his back, but it isn't pain, he throws back his head, a curse on his lips as Tav descends, Tav's burning for him, he kisses a hungry trail all over Astarion's neck and chest, gods, he wishes he had fangs, but no, he couldn't bite, couldn't hurt Astarion the way he so desperately wants Astarion to hurt him, he just wants to drink Astarion in without harming him, fill himself to the brim with nothing but this man, and he can, he can, Tav pushes his wrist against Astarion's mouth, please, Astarion parts his lips, and Tav doesn't wait for him to bite, he cuts himself on those exposed fangs, deeply, shaking as he spills his blood over Astarion's teeth, and Astarion reacts on instinct, exactly the way Tav wanted him to, his hands fly to Tav's arm and clamp down, he sinks into Tav's flesh, and Tav imagines he can feel the delicate bones of his wrist splintering under those teeth, it's perfect, break me, it isn't easy to get his mouth on Astarion's cock with his arm wrenched painfully above his head, but Tav does it, his muscles ache so sweetly, Astarion cries out again when Tav takes him in, louder this time, even though the sound is muffled, less sharp, the thought crosses Tav's mind, a startlingly clear thought, that surely everyone in camp heard, probably sounds like he's killing Astarion all over again, the memory threatens to take him, Astarion's blood, his fear, Tav chokes his brain into silence, into nothingness, he buries himself in this alone, the taste of Astarion, salt and metal, slippery wet, the hard swell of him in Tav's mouth, the back of his throat filling him, it isn't long at all before Astarion's hips are moving, thrusting upwards, he's always quicker to lose control with Tav's blood on his lips, when he senses the end approaching, Tav pulls away, he doesn't want Astarion to spill down his throat, make it easy for him, he wants to drink, Astarion, he fits his hand to the glistening curve of Astarion's throbbing shaft and strokes him, letting Astarion feel his hot breath waiting around the head of his cock, let me have you, I want you, give me this, Astarion lifts his head from Tav's wrists, gasping like he needs air, his mouth is red as an abattoir, blood trickling down his chin, Tav, he pulses in Tav's hand, rapid little jerks like a dying heartbeat, Tav seals his lips over Astarion's cock and swallows down every warm gush as it fills his mouth, distantly he hears Astarion's moans, raw sounds that aren't quite words, though a few of them resemble Tav's name, it's a world away from the first time he made Astarion come like this, Astarion was coherent then and Tav wasn't, now they're both in pieces, it's over too quickly, Tav wants to worship like this for hours, or at very least minutes, coaxing out every last drop, but Astarion's fingers tighten in his hair and pull him off, he pushes Tav onto his back, none too gently, and hovers above him, and Tav sees the fury in his eyes, that fear, like Tav is killing him, oh no you don't, his hand finds Tav neglected, suffering cock, no, you can't have me unless I have you, and Tav wants to tell him, you already do, you always have, but when he opens his mouth he can only shape those familiar symbols, Astarion, gods, fuck, he spills with a sob, buckling into Astarion's fist, it hurts, Astarion isn't being gentle, Tav will have bruises later, too many to count and in places he doesn't want them, it's not enough, it's too little, too late for Astarion to finish him like this, he should have done it earlier, when Tav had a sword aimed for his heart, and a dozen gaps in his guard for Astarion to land a killing blow, there, there, Astarion crones, his voice a violent tender contrast to the roughness of his grip, that's better, isn't it, my darling, my love, he keeps forgetting, or maybe he hasn't forgotten at all, Tav's handed him this knife, he can't be angry if Astarion uses it, Tav doesn't answer him, he pulls Astarion to him with trembling hands instead, and Astarion lets himself be taken, perhaps he doesn't see this as a surrender on his part, but on Tav's, he settles into the crook of Tav's arm and hooks his leg over, Tav thinks distantly that Astarion's post-coitus cuddles are as much of a performance as everything else he does, but they aren't as practiced, he can feel the bare tint of uncertainty in the way Astarion's body fits against his, like this, like he's waiting for someone to take Tav away, Tav presses his nose into Astarion's rumpled hair, he wants to lay a kiss between those furrowed brows, but no, that would be dangerous, stay with me until morning, Astarion shifts, it's far too hot down here to share a tent, Tav takes the hit, another strike to his quivering wounded heart, but apparently Astarion isn't done, and yet, something tells me you can't be trusted to sleep alone tonight, it feels like the weight of folly to try for a joke at a time like this, after all of this, but Tav's courage is seeping back bit by bit, as irrational as ever, it's hard not to feel more secure, more whole, when he has Astarion in his arms like this, no matter how fleeting a gift it is, you could always kill me yourself, Tav says, and beg a favor from Withers in the morning, Astarion huffs in surprise, an obvious delight, what, do your dirty work for you, no, no, my dear, if anyone's making a walk of shame to that dusty bag of bones come dawn, it won't be me, fine, then I guess you'll have to stay, manipulative little beast, Astarion draws up on his elbows and Tav lets him go, a ping in his chest, but he doesn't go far, he touches Tav's cheek with a sigh, you're an utter mess, darling, but I do like this version of you better, Tav licks his lips and tastes salt, he must have wept again without knowing it, after Astarion cleaned his face the first time, but something's changed, he doesn't feel embarrassed for Astarion to see him like this anymore, he's shared every other kind of pain with Astarion, so why not this, really, Tav asks, I can't imagine I'd kill very well like this, all wet and sad, two steps forward, one step back, Astarion settles back down, you learn, it won't take you as long as it did me, Tav wiggles until Astarion's ear is over his heart, a gamble, and he's rewarded with the lightest squeeze of Astarion's hand on his bruised wrist, a faint concession to pleasure, so loud, Astarion complains, I won't be able to sleep, but he doesn't move an inch until dawn.
