Episode 42 shortest war

In the late 1800s, Zanzibar was a small island off the coast of East Africa. It was a major exporter of cloves, coconuts, and citrus. The island was colonized by the Portuguese and later taken over by Oman. Zanzibar became a major slave port and trade hub. The British Empire became interested in Zanzibar and meddled in its affairs. They separated Zanzibar from Oman's rule and installed a pro-British sultan. Tensions rose when Prince Khalid bin Barghash locked himself and his army inside the royal palace. British naval forces awaited orders in the harbor. Diplomats considered diplomatic solutions, but the prince refused to leave. British Admiral Rossman ordered the palace to be destroyed if the prince didn't vacate by 9 a.m. The prince chose to stay, and the British opened fire, starting the shortest war in history. Welcome to ill-equipped history where two best friends tell you a story from history and no one told us to do that. So here we are. My name is Morgan here with my I was trying to try to come up with an adjective that is different than I've been using and I almost said emphysematic. You got emphysema? Well, I can't breathe, so my my asthmatic co-host, Emily, hey, y'all, I got my yawn out of the way. Sometimes my body's like, you need more oxygen. It's like you need to yawn. So I do. And turns out that's every time before the podcast starts, so y'all miss out on a lot of yawns. I also edit them out during recording. Yeah, I do too. We're gonna constantly yawning. You guys can't tell we're still in the same vicinity, so we've still got that we're still staring at each other. Yeah, making each other laugh by looking at Emily just put on her glasses and like went full turtle curling her lip, her upper lip around her teeth to put her glasses on. I can see you better. I know why you put glasses on. Did your mouth have to help you do that too? You should see me put on mascara. Ridiculous. Oh, well, guys, if you hear some things going on in the background, it's because we're actually recording in the middle of the day. And my children are very loud goblins, so we're trying. They're the sweetest things, but they're young and loud. They woke me up this morning. And I had to tell them a few times, go to your room and play. They didn't listen to me. Of course they don't. They don't listen to me. And they kept yelling. I was like, why are you yelling? Every day, every day. I just go, why are you yelling? Why? All right. So I stumbled upon this one. I was just kind of looking up some, I kind of was like, let's talk about another war, you know. Sunken ships and war. Sunken ships and war. Those are the two constants of history, right? So I was looking up, and this one has a very unique place in history, which I will get into after we go over our skit, so let's jump into it. The year is 1896. Prince Khalid bin Barghash has locked himself and his army inside the royal palace. British naval forces are in the harbor awaiting orders. Diplomat Basil Cave and Rear Admiral Harry Rossman are going through their options. Okay, I've asked this kid like twice now to leave the palace, and he won't. I mean, Zanzibar is under our control. It's our right as the British Empire to install our own puppet, I mean, leader on the throne. There must be a way to solve this matter diplomatically, or I wouldn't have my job. I'm sending out one last order to vacate. You got express permission from the higher-ups, right? If this kid doesn't leave by 9 a.m., I'm blowing that palace to smithereens. I guess this is what it comes down to, then. I hope he listens. You, messenger, send this to the palace. Prince Khalid has one hour to leave the palace, or we open fire. A few minutes pass. The prince's envoy arrives with a message of his own. The prince would rather die than leave the palace. He is the rightful sultan of Zanzibar. His father decreed it, and he will be a great ruler. Does he not understand what's about to happen? We have tried to solve this peacefully, and he is refusing to stand down. He's about to get a taste of British naval power in his face. Do it. The clock tower sounds nine times. After the night's bell, Rossman turns to his sailors. You know what this means, men. Arm the cannons. Fire when ready. So, this story is about the shortest war in history. Okay. I'm intrigued. So, our setting for this story is in Zanzibar in the late 1800s. For those of y'all who do not know, Zanzibar is a tiny, tiny island off the coast of East Africa near what is now Tanzania. It's actually, now it is a part of Tanzania, but it was not at the time. At the time, it was sort of part of the continent, not continent, I don't know what I'm saying, the country of Tanganyika, or Tanganyika, sorry, so what's now Tanzania and Zanzibar and a couple other places was Tanganyika. Zanzibar is also known as Unguia, and that may be more of like a local pronunciation of it. It's teeny tiny. It's about half the size of Rhode Island. Oh, it's... Teeny tiny. It sounds smaller than the pack ice that... I think so. ...that Shackleton was on. Yeah, it was really little. Also, fun fact, Freddie Mercury was born there. No shit. Yeah. Well, I love him already. Yeah. So, Zanzibar is a major exporter of cloves, coconuts, and citrus. Okay. Yeah. Okay. It's got huge clove... It did have huge clove plantations at the time of this story, and it was very profitable because Europeans got to have their spices, right? Right. Zanzibar was colonized by the Portuguese in the 1500s, so it apparently seemed to be kind of a mutually beneficial relationship. Okay. The Portuguese, they kind of... They were like, okay, Zanzibar's ours now, but they didn't meddle in everything. They kept their distance. They were not directly involved in the goings-on. They seemed to just kind of help each other mutually with political matters, mostly war. So, they more became like allies. Yeah. In 1698, Zanzibar was taken over by Oman, which is a country in the Middle East, and it's an Arab country. So, when Oman took control over Zanzibar, trade grew even more than it already had with the Portuguese. Unfortunately, one of their big producers was enslaved people. Ah, damn it. They were a huge slave port, and they also had slaves on the island providing free labor for the clove plantations and the citrus plantations and all of that. This was a major trade port, especially for enslaved people, and from Zanzibar, enslaved people went out to the southern U.S., the Caribbean, India, the Middle East, and within Zanzibar itself, like I said. In 1832, the Sultan of Omar moved to Zanzibar, and all I could hear when I was researching this was that line from History of the Entire World, I guess, by Bill Wurtz on YouTube, where it goes, the Sultan of Oman lives in Zanzibar now. That's just where he lives. There was a reason why. It was because he wanted to be closer to all of the commerce and trade that was happening in Zanzibar. That makes sense. And also, around this time, a lot of Indians were coming into Zanzibar as well, and at this time, India was being colonized by the British, and so when Indians were coming in, that got the attention of the British Empire. Right. Like, wow, this is a super-prosperous trade route. Yeah. Dollar signs or pound signs. You want it. Yeah. So, the British... We need the British to just yank something that no one else is... Just meddle. Just meddle. This entire story happened because the British meddled, and another thing about this story is that there's not really one right side and one wrong side. Right. They both had justifiable motivations. Motivations? I almost said, listen, my brain is not functional anymore at all. Yeah. That's okay. Motivations. Motivations. They both had their motivations, which I'll get into, so there's not really a side that you want to root for, because it's like, the colonizers almost seem like they're doing something good against the native indigenous and royal family, but then also you're like, you want the people who've been living there for a while and have been kind of running the place to have their own... It's complicated. So, they both suck. Yeah. Okay. So, when all of this is going on, Europe is colonizing the fuck out of Africa. I mean, it is just... Might as well, right? It's really horrible, and this created a lot of conflict between European countries, and this included Great Britain and Germany. They were scrambling to colonize what they could and exploit the rich resources in Africa. So, Great Britain was directly involved with the slave trade, as we've discussed previously, especially with the Americas and all of that. Yes. But in 1833, the Slavery Abolition Act ended slavery within the British Empire. Okay. And when the British ended it, they wanted it ended everywhere. Leave it to historical Great Britain, we're not saying now, we're just saying historical Great Britain to be the ones to say, well, we do it this way, we want everyone to do it this way. Exactly. And also, all of your artifacts are now in our museum. Yes. Thank you. Exactly. For that. So, and again, it's like, okay, yeah, they want to end slavery. That's not a bad thing. Cool. Yeah. But also, they're meddling in everything. It's just, again, it's complicated. So, the British are very interested in Zanzibar at this time, and they're like, they're not taking it over or anything, they're not going to war, but they're like hovering, like a really annoying ant or something. They're just like, what you doing over there? Like a weird uncle at Thanksgiving? Yeah. Like, what you got going over there? You got a boyfriend yet? You know. When you gonna have kids? Yeah. It's kind of like that. Shut up, Aunt Susan. So, in 1856, the current sultan at that time, Said Bin, died. The British zoomed in and meddled. Said Bin had two sons, and the British were like, hey, how about, what if, genius idea, one son goes back to Oman and is sultan of Oman, and then the other son stays here in Zanzibar and rules Zanzibar. And they're like, cool. And they're like, ha ha, now we have separated these two entities, Zanzibar is no longer under Oman's protection, or their rule, so we're going to zoom in. Come on in. So, the British couldn't really, again, they couldn't do anything with or to Zanzibar while it was under Omani control, but once those powers were separated, they came in like seagulls. Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine. So that sultan, the son of Said Bin, eventually died. A lot of sultans, like within not a very long time, are just dying left and right. One of them is. Okay. Some of them did die from illness, so, because it's the 1800s in a tropical country, and you know. The 1800s of it all. Yeah. Honestly. So, when that sultan died, the British put a pro-British supporter on the throne as sultan, and his name was Barghash bin Said. He followed their policies, and he abolished the slave trade in Zanzibar. Okay. But he did not end slavery in Zanzibar, just the trade. Oh, so whoever was already a slave there was still a slave. Yes, and Great Britain was not a fan of this, because they were like, no, we want to abolish completely, but again, Zanzibar, and this is not justifying what was going on, but Zanzibar and the wealthy of Zanzibar really relied on that free labor to produce their crops and their exports and stuff. So, at the same time that all of this is going on within Zanzibar, Germany and Great Britain signed the Heligoland-Zanzibar Treaty, and this divided Tanzania and Zanzibar, so Germany got Tanzania, which is on the African continent, and Great Britain got Zanzibar. I guess Barghash bin Said died as well, like really quickly, and so in 1890, a new sultan was put on the throne, his name was Ali bin Said. He saw what was coming, so he was like, okay, I don't want Great Britain to colonize us, I want us to at least preserve the sultanate, I want us to preserve our way of life. So they came to an agreement that Zanzibar was now going to be a protectorate of Great Britain, instead of a colony. So protectorate is, quote, an autonomous territory that is protected diplomatically or militarily against third parties by a stronger state or entity. The protectorate retains formal sovereignty and remains a state under international law, and in exchange for this, they usually accept specified obligations that vary depending on the nature of their relationship. And I got this from the U.S. diplomacy website. Okay, so they're like, we'll protect you, but you have to do some things that we say, but we're going to, for the most part, leave you alone. Exactly. So there's three conditions for this protectorate that they agreed to. So first was they wanted to reopen free trade in Zanzibar. The second was they wanted the power to veto any sultan in any contested succession. So they got, like, if there was any contested issues, Great Britain wanted the power to have their say. And three, they wanted the island to totally abolish slavery. So while Ali bin Said was sultan, he did not abolish slavery. He was able to kind of, he was like, oh, I'm working on it, you know, but he also wanted to keep his wealthy elite happy. But Great Britain was like, okay, now it's time, it's time. Yeah, because they wanted to abolish slavery. So when he died, again, they're just going through something like that. When Ali bin Said died, the British wanted to put someone on the throne who would listen to him. Okay. Or listen to them. Yeah. In Zanzibar, there were not any laws or traditions about passing the throne down to the oldest son. Okay. There were multiple candidates that could become sultan. I wasn't really sure about the process, like, I don't think it was a vote, I think, like maybe the court, whatever equivalent got together, and they kind of said who was going to be the next sultan. Right. And because there was multiple candidates, this was technically a contested succession. And the Great Britain plopped one of their own onto the sultan's throne. And his name was Hamid bin Thuwani. So at the same time, there's another player in all of this, and his name is Khalid bin Barghash. So Khalid bin Barghash bin Said al-Busayri was born in 1875. His father was one of the sultans of Zanzibar, Said Barghash, who was like two or three sultans ago. Said wanted to pass the throne to Khalid, even though there wasn't like any laws of succession or anything, but with the British doing all their interference and Zanzibarian politics, it wasn't really likely. So when Said died, he put it in his will that he wanted Khalid to become sultan when he was ready. He was only, Khalid was only like seven at the time, so he was too young. Right. So Khalid died in 1888. So yeah, two years prior to all the stuff going on with the treaty, the British and the Germans both appointed Said Khalifa bin Said as sultan, who was Khalid's uncle. And this royally pissed off Khalid. He was like, no, I'm supposed to be sultan, even though I'm young. Yeah. But he's like, okay, you know what, I'm just gonna, just gonna hang back, gonna wait, whatever. So Khalifa died in 1890, and that's when Ali bin Said was appointed sultan, and he's the one that agreed for the protectorate of Zanzibar. I did put pictures of some of the major players, because they're all related to, like their uncles and cousins and brothers and all that. They look very similar. Yeah. Like their facial features and their bone structures and stuff. You can tell. Yeah. They're all related. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. So yeah, again, like every two years or so, there's a new sultan. Yeah. And Khalid openly supported his uncle in this venture, because he was trying to kind of gain more political support in the background. Okay. And he was still a teenager at this point. He's a smart teenager. Yeah. So in 1893, so three years after protectorate, Ali bin Said died. Another death. Jeez. Khalid demanded he become sultan, as his father's wish, like I said, and both his mother and father were Arab, and this improved his popularity among the elite of Zanzibar. Both of his parents, they're Arab from the Oman culture. He is definitely able to be sultan because of this. Right. I didn't really get into a whole lot of what that was about. But he's been heavily involved in the court since he was very young, and many favored him to be the new sultan. Right. So the British had different plans, though, and ended up appointing Hamoud bin Thawani, who was a pro-British supporter after Ali bin Said died. And Thawani was Khalid's cousin. Okay. This royally pissed off 19-year-old Khalid. So he got into the palace and locked all the doors, and we're like, you can't come in. This did not last very long, though. So the British were like, let us in, and he was like, no, and they're like, let us in. And he was like, okay. So he meant to only let in two British, it was like a general and a consulate or something. But once the door was like, so this is a quote from an article I read, quote, however, as soon as the door was finally opened, the public invaded it, including the Marines, and directly went to the upper floor, Prince Khalid welcomed the general and British consul. Reynold Rod told Prince Khalid that he had committed a stupid move by invading the castle. End quote. They're like, you dumb kid. You don't know what you're doing. Get out of here. Yeah. So. Oh, my God. He left. Okay, bye. Yeah. But that was not the war, though. That was just, anyway. Yeah. So now we're getting into the actual war. And it's known as the Anglo Zanzibar War. Okay. So Thawani was Sultan for three years before he mysteriously and suddenly died on August 25th, 1896. Yes, this one is suspicious. I think all the other ones either died of natural causes or illness, but it is suspected that Khalid poisoned him, but no one can know for sure. Right. So he's 22 at the time. Yes. Yeah. He's still very young. So Khalid, who's Thawani died, Basil Cave, who's the chief diplomat of Zanzibar, and Lloyd Matthews, who's the first minister, ran to the palace and ordered all the doors to be locked so Khalid wouldn't start his bullshit again. They're like, lock all the doors, lock all the doors. Khalid was back on his bullshit, him and his men snuck in through a window, invaded the palace. This is my palace! It's my palace! What a temper tantrum. I know. And again, you can see his father wanted him to be sultan, he had a lot of supporters, he felt like it was his right, but it went against the British mountain coming in. Yeah. This is mine! Yeah. So pro-Khalid supporters also came into the palace, and a lot of these people were people who supported the institution of slavery for free labor, because Khalid wanted to keep things as they were. He was not really a fan of the British coming in and changing everything. Right. And in the article I was reading about Prince Khalid specifically, it was a little bit about his life, mostly about this conflict, but he even, while he was holed up, he even tried to write a letter to Queen Victoria, being like, I'm okay with you, I just need you to get your guys out of here. I mean, you're fine, but like, could you get them to fuck off? We can be bros, but... Bro. To Queen Victoria. Yes. Because you would imagine me like, bro, listen, we're cool, but... You gotta get your guys out of here. Yeah, they're kind of assholes. Yeah. So Khalid amassed a military to guard the palace. There was about 3,000 men, artillery, and then he had a royal yacht called the Glasgow in the harbor. And it had like, some weapons. What kind of royal yacht? I know. Named Glasgow? I know. So Khaleed, Basil Khaleed the diplomat, he was trying to get Khalid out of the palace as peacefully and diplomatically as possible, and it didn't work. He was like, get out. And Khalid was like, no. And he was like, get out now. I'm imagining a foot stomp somewhere in there. I'm sure there was. So in the Zanzibar harbor, there were already two British man-at-wars. The HMS Philomel and the HMS Rush. Big British warships. Right. Okay. So sailors, like, they went to go guard the British consulate on Zanzibar, making sure there's no riots going on, because there's, you know, some tensions happening. Yeah. And then CAVE called for the HMS Sparrow to help out if necessary, which was nearby. Right. So the British couldn't really do anything yet without the go-ahead from the British government. Right. So CAVE sent out a telegram asking if they could, if needed to, if they could handle the situation as needed, though no one from either side really expected there to be violence. Yeah. They were trying, they were really trying to like, okay, let's figure out how to do this without... They're looking at him thinking, this is a 22-year-old kid, he doesn't, he's in over his head and he doesn't even know it. Yeah. Like... He's trying to fight the British, which, again, there's lots of problems with the British Empire, as we discussed, but they were one of the biggest world powers, gobbling up Africa and its resources. Yes. So Khalid kept saying, no, he's not going to leave. So on August 26th, which is the next day, after Khalid swarmed the palace, he got in like hours after Buwani died. Like as soon as he heard, it was hours. Okay, he knew. He had to have known. Yeah. That's what people are like... He was hovering in the tree line, like he was just, he did it. He's devil's power. I can see him through the window. Yeah, really. So on August 26th, the HMS Raccoon and the HMS St. George came into the harbor as well with Rear Admiral Harry Rossin on board. Yeah, Raccoon. Raccoon. So now, and he was a commander of the British naval fleet in this region. So now there are five, I also saw there was an HMS Thresh or Thresh. Okay. So five to six British warships in the Zanzibar Harbor. Losing battle. Yeah. We're fighting a losing battle. And if you scroll down, so there's a picture of the Sultanate in Zanzibar, which is the palace. And the picture below that is what the palace looked like in the 1800s with the clock tower and the balconies and stuff. It is right on the harbor. Like there's like this street and then the harbor. I feel like that wasn't thought through very well. Well, not when you are going up against a powerful naval fleet, no. But again, the island's not that big. It's really cool. Yeah. It's very beautiful. So Kays got confirmation from the British government and the telegraph said, quote, you are authorized to adopt whatever measures you may consider necessary and will be supported in your action by Her Majesty's government. Do not, however, attempt to take any action which you are not certain of being able to accomplish successfully, end quote. So basically like don't do anything unless you're sure it'll work. We don't need any half-assed attempts. We don't need this to fail because then that will not make us that will make us look weak. Yeah. You don't want to don't definitely don't lose against a 22 year old kid. Yeah. That probably killed his cousin and snuck into the palace. Yeah. And boarded it up twice now. Yeah. So again, that day he was instructed to leave the palace. So on that day, August 26th, he was instructed to leave the palace by 9 a.m. on the 27th the next day or else. Khalid replied back, quote, We have no intention of hauling down our flag and we do not believe he would open fire on us. They're calling their bluff. Why would he call their bluff? With five to six naval British man of wars in the harbor pointing their guns at the palace. I would crumble so fast. Sure. Take it. It's yours. I'm going to hop across the sea and go hang out with Queen Victoria for a bit, my bro. And see ya. Yeah. Bye. So Cave responded, quote, But unless you do as you were told, we shall certainly do so. So he's like, you called her. You're not calling her bluff because we're going to move forward with. Yeah. So again, the palace is on the waterfront of a harbor and it was made of wood with hundreds of people. Wouldn't you know it. Okay, I'll quit. Okay. There are hundreds of people inside this palace. Okay. At 9 a.m. Rossin ordered a bombardment and 9.02 a.m. is when the first shell hit the palace. It instantly disintegrated the clock tower. Oh, my God. So now you have several man of wars firing artillery at this one palace at point blank range. If you scroll down, I'm looking at the two compared. I'm going to move this one from the bottom up so I can like, yeah, you can see the bombardment lasted less than an hour. Some sources put it at 38 minutes and that is when the bombardment ended and they grabbed Khalid's flag because he had put up a new flag when he invaded the palace. Wow. The porch is gone. Yeah. I mean, gone. No evidence of it. The tower is nonexistent. It looks like buildings after the Blitz. Yeah. Holy shit. So again, between 40 and 50 minutes is how long the entire thing lasted. There's not a very consistent description, but everyone agrees it was less than an hour. At the end of it, there are 500 dead and injured Zanzibarians from within the palace, while only one British soldier was seriously injured. I think it was from crossfire because Khalid did have his military shooting rifles back at the British. And then Great Britain immediately put Hamoud bin Mohamed on the throne. So Khalid was killed? No. He escaped the bombardment. So he ran away? He did. And fled to the German consulate. What a little bitch. Yeah. He left all of those people to die. Yeah. And he ran away. No, and no one knows exactly how he escaped, but they think he escaped during the bombardment. Ooh, I got opinions now. Yeah. Yeah. So to say, I would rather die than, and then you ran away, that just makes you look bad. To the Germans, who, the Germans and the British were not friends. They were not enemies, but they were not friends at this time. Have they ever been allies? I think they are now. Now? In modern times. But like in before then? No. No. Okay. So, and then the Germans wanted to screw over the British. And so the British were like, can we have this guy back? He's going to be a prisoner. And they're like, no, we're not going to extradite him over to you guys. Fuck off. He's ours now. Yeah. He's our bro. Yeah. So the Germans eventually smuggled him to Tanzania, which was German owned. Yeah. How far away are those? Uh, let me get a map. They're not, it's, or if you just like look up Zanzibar and look at a map, it's not that far. I don't know exactly how far, but it's pretty close. Oh, and if you have a map up, um, at least the map I have there, it says Dar es Salaam, which is south of Zanzibar in Tanzania. So Khalid escaped to Dar es Salaam, but not long after the British invaded Tanzania, not for Khalid, they were invading just to invade because that's what the British does. And they found him, it was just a happy accident. They're like, Oh my God, here's this war prisoner we're looking for. So then they exiled him to St. Helena, which is actually where Napoleon was exiled to. But he was not exiled for life. He spent a few years there and eventually did return to East Africa. And he, the article I was reading said he lived a very quiet life after that, uh, didn't do anything. He got off his bullshit. He got off his bullshit. Thank God. And he eventually died in Mombasa, Kenya in 1927 at the age of 52. It's 395 kilometers, by the way. Okay. So not very far. It's not. Yeah, it's pretty close. Yeah. And so Zanzibar remained a protector of the British empire until 1963, when it became independent. Okay. And then a year later in 1964, there was a revolution and Zanzibar eventually joined Tanzania. And this is now like, they're all Tanzania. Okay. So yeah, that's all I have about the shortest war in history. It was so, what the fuck? It was a rapid fire, literally 30 minutes of rapid fire done. That's what the British were hoping for on the Christmas of 1914. Yeah. They were like, let's just wrap this up real fast. Yeah. But they weren't, they weren't going up against the, a German, like empire. Yeah. They were going up against like a really tiny palace. They're going up against a college aged kid, who, whose ego was bigger than like, he was able to, like his bark was much worse than his bite. Like. Oh yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. And they're like, what? I just can't get over him. For one, the first time throwing a temper tantrum and locking himself into the palace, but then letting them in. And they're like, get out. And he was like, okay, fine. And then the second time he like, didn't kill his cousin and just happened to be an hour later or two hours later, crawling through a window, the fact that they locked all the windows to try to keep him out, because they knew he was going to be on that bullshit. What kind of reputation do you have to have for the palace to lock its gates just so you won't come inside? I'm just imagining these two, like super proper British guys, like booking it to the palace, like lock all the doors. Lock all the doors. What happens if something dies? Please come in. We don't want him to get back in here. And then he's like, like dressed like a ninja coming through the window. Oh, and I forgot to say, I skipped over it. Or maybe I did. I did say it, that when they put Hamoud bin Mohammed on the throne and he did abolish slavery on Zanzibar. Yes. Yes. So once he was on the throne, the British were like, okay, we're happy now. We got everything we want. 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have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you all have like very powerful facial hair oh yeah I'm here for a beard you know I love a good beard I threatened Nick once cuz he was like I think I'm gonna shave my beard off I will do not murder I tell you that Kyle shaved off his beard no hate that it took a while to get used to for sure actually and he's gone mustache a couple yeah I don't hate the mustache I like to rub his face you know I like it no I understand no I actually like when Kyle was growing his beard back out like he had the mustache yeah and he was like little scruffy you growing back a beard look I really like that okay I do I don't mind like five o'clock shadow I don't like clean-shaven face yeah who are you a child no give me a beard the beard sounds like yeah all right also Basil Cave and Harry Rawson look so official they're they're very British very posh it's the hat that's doing it for me Harry thank you all of his medals and crosses and his um he what are those called on the shoulders mm-hmm I forgot he looks like a very like a meaner version of who was the dad on Roseanne John Goodman yeah he looks like he looks like a mean John Goodman epaulette epaulette yeah that's what it yeah okay well John Goodman's got some epaulettes and he's he does look like John you're welcome for that all right yeah we'll post these pictures on our social media so y'all can follow along you can see John Goodman yeah yeah yeah so I guess we social yeah yeah okay you can find us on Facebook ill-equipped history podcast group and page nice you can find us and Instagram at ill-equipped history tick-tock at ill-equipped history patreon patreon.com flash ill-equipped history and email ill-equipped history calm no ill-equipped history at gmail.com yeah okay so if if you've got an opinion and and this is the hill you want to die on please just make sure that it's not against the British yeah mm-hmm yeah sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't no one really no one can really know for sure there's only a handful of times that the British have lost so I take that into account yeah and they get real pissy about it and I keep coming and stop calling their bluff like they're gonna do it we know they're gonna do it from personal experience they say they're gonna shoot believe them yeah they don't mess around also hide your artifacts yes hide your artifacts hide your wife Oh