jade and chris podcast1

What's up, everyone? Heavy Throttle Podcast here with your host, Chris, and my beautiful wife, Jade. Hey, y'all. Today, we're going to focus on talking about postpartum depression, which a lot of people don't ever want to open up about. We're going to give you his and hers point of view and how it affected us when we had our son, Ryder. So, Jade, let me ask you a question. When did your postpartum start and was it sudden or delayed? I would say my postpartum depression really kind of started kicking in at like month two, like right when Ryder was about eight weeks old, I would say. Like I feel that's kind of when my hormones finally like figured out what they were doing because in the beginning, it's normal to have like a drop and so I expected that but I felt like at eight weeks, it just continued, like it didn't really jump back up. So, yeah, probably about eight weeks. All right. Did it affect your day-to-day? What did it do to affect you? Yeah, I mean, it affected everything I did, I mean, down to sleeping, eating, taking care of him. Obviously, I never had the issue of being disassociated with him or not feeling connected with him and the fact that like I didn't want anything to do with him. It was the opposite for me. I needed him on top of me, close by all the time. It almost became more anxiety about not being able to just keep my eye on him all the time. Like I'd wake up in the middle of the night and put my hand on his chest to make sure he was breathing. It was just that kind of like fear and anxiety and then the depression kind of kicked in more so around like my breastfeeding journey. How did that go? Not good. He latched really well in the beginning in the hospital and we had some traumatizing things happen in the hospital, which we can get into a little bit later. But long story short, he stopped latching. He was super like fussy, frustrated, just did not want to take the time to latch on and feed from my boob. So we had to supplement with bottles and he obviously got used to that quick, instant feed. So that's just kind of how that happened. How would you say that your hospital visit, did that affect you mentally, emotionally? Oh yeah, for sure, it was living hell. That was probably the worst care I've ever received in my life and truthfully, I felt like I was in prison. I mean, I remember telling you that. I feel like we're being fire. Yeah, I mean, I definitely felt like it was a long, what, 72 hours we were there? Yeah. Between our son getting circumcised the second day and just going back to back with doctors or them giving you the wrong medication, like you said. It was definitely, within that 72 hours was a long lifespan, it felt. Yeah, it felt like years that we were in there. Literally. On that note, what would you say was the hardest thing to do at this, during this time? Honestly, I was just trying to keep my mind positive because at the time, I was exclusively pumping. So I was pumping and then bottle feeding and basically, being a first time mom, I didn't really have a whole lot of knowledge on breastfeeding, pumping, any of that, which I guess that's why they make classes, which I guess we should have done, but they promise you, oh, there's a lactation consultant that comes in the hospital and they're going to help you and you're going to learn so much once he's here. It'll come naturally. So I just kind of banked on that and I feel like I just was not educated enough on even a pumping bra. I didn't even know that that was necessary in order for the pump to latch on correctly to correctly empty your breast. I didn't even know that was a thing. I thought you could just hold them on there and it would just suck it out. I don't know. I think our biggest thing was is, what, you went a half hour, almost to an hour with the pump on? Yeah. I pumped in the hospital with their hospital grade pump. The nurse just like stuck it on there and was like, okay, go ahead. And I left it on there for like 35, 40 minutes and by the end of that, my nipples were like bleeding and so raw. And then like, I mean, it worked the next day and my milk came in, but it was from the beginning, it was just super, super, super painful and just not done the right way. And I thought really is what I think messed up my journey with breastfeeding him. And I just, that was something that was so important to me and I really wanted that bond with him. And I didn't want to give up on him getting my breast milk just because I feel like everybody just says like, pumps it into your head like that's the best thing for them, you know. So I was just trying to do the right thing as a first time mom. So basically, I became a slave to that pump and at the same time, because I'm on his feeding schedule, you were doing all the feedings at night. So I like, I felt like I missed out on a lot of that like intimate, quiet bonding time with him. So we don't get off topic, obviously, you know, we're sticking to postpartum, you know, eventually down the line, we can give more of a backstory to our hospital stay, which could go on and on and on. That's a whole episode in itself, truly. So would you say that why him not latching is really when your postpartum really kicked in? That's when the self-doubt kicked in. And that was like day one. Okay. So how did you know when you were at its peak? And how did you know when it was at its ending point? So my peak, I mean, this was like an ongoing journey. I struggle with mental health before pregnancy, during pregnancy. And so I anticipated it coming after pregnancy, I knew that that was something I was going to deal with. But I've always been able to kind of get myself out of whatever funk I'm in or whatever. And you know, in the beginning, you're in like newborn bliss, like you're just so enthralled with this little human. But I would say when things started getting real and hard, and I think you going back to work at six weeks, it threw me for a whole loop because I just, I was so terrified to be alone with him. I felt like I just couldn't do it. And then over time, it started to get easier, but I mean, the depressive symptoms just like lingered. It didn't matter how good I was doing with him. So my peak, I'd probably say, I don't know, it's hard to like put a timeline on it because I've thought it the whole time, but like it's probably six months in, like right after Christmas, I'd say. Okay, so you know, with that being said, you know, obviously from a guy's point of view, you know, looking in, I didn't understand what was going on with you. I thought you were crazy at times, you know, I'm not going to lie about it. You know, there'd be days that she'd say that, you know, she couldn't get out of bed or she couldn't feed the baby, you know, and I couldn't understand, you know, we fought, you know, on and off. There was so many different obstacles that it felt like we were just going downhill. We weren't going up. You know, with having a newborn, there ain't no manual to that new baby, you know, and with Ryder, we had played such a battle uphill with him being allergic to dairy, eggs, you know. Which we didn't find that out until way later, but he was super gassy and that was the other issue, so basically, when I decided to stop pumping for him, which again, we can get into that whole situation later too, but it kind of played a part in my depression, I thought truly maybe if I get rid of this pump, like maybe I can feel a little bit more human again and interact with Ryder more. If I'm just giving him formula, then all I have to do is mix the bottle and I get to feed him. I get to do all that stuff with him. I'm not just stuck to this machine that's sucking the life out of me every three hours, and I think that that did help the depression, but it just, it didn't take it away like I thought it would. I didn't have like that sense of freedom that I thought I would, and then I was carrying my mom guilt because now I'm like, well, now I'm giving my kid formula, like I'm failing him, and so that's, I think, when it peaked, also trying to figure out what was making him so gassy. We thought maybe my breast milk was making him gassy, maybe it wasn't filling him up enough. He was a very colicky, fussy baby in the beginning, and we didn't know what we were doing. Yeah, it was definitely an uphill battle. Yeah. I mean, it didn't matter what we did. I think it got to the point where we were both depressed. Yeah, totally. We couldn't figure out where we were failing him, what we were doing wrong, and I feel like a lot of people out there may be going through the same thing, and hopefully what we're saying is able to help people that are out there, or if they have questions, they can reach out to us, and now with us having another baby on the way, congrats, baby mama. Baby number two due in September. It's definitely a lifelong lesson that we've learned. Ryder was, and is still, I would say, just like the best gift as far as learning life lessons. We went through the trenches with him, and he went through them with us, I mean, it was equal. The poor baby would cry and scream all night, and we couldn't figure out what was going on, and I think also him, I mean, don't get me wrong, it wasn't all awful. I don't want to make it sound like that. We had a lot of really great, beautiful moments as a family, with our son, but behind it, I was just fighting these demons that I felt like I've never had before. I think the hardest thing is, is a lot of people play this fairytale life, and they're afraid to show what a daily basis really looks like. You know, you think back, everybody wants to look good on social media, okay, well there's always more to every story behind that picture. Oh yeah. Especially as a first-time parent, I feel like you rely heavily on social media, and you start to follow like mommy accounts, daddy accounts, parenting, whatever it is. And while some of them are real and raw, it took me, he's almost three now, I'm just now finding those accounts that are real and raw that I can relate with. In the beginning, it's all just, oh, look for this milestone, oh, at this age they're going to start cooing. It's like, it's not the nitty-gritty crap, you know? Yeah, I mean, it's definitely a pain in the ass to find anything. I feel like it got to the point where I was grasping, trying to figure out accounts that would help, burping, getting his gas out. Well, and at one point for me, you know, hearing him cry was very triggering for me, and that also played a huge part in my depression and anxiety, and I will say, like, thank God you were, and still are, such a supportive partner and an involved father, and you did take night shifts for me, you know, because I had to sleep, like mentally I just could not function the next day if I didn't get sleep, but you took on that load. So I would hear him screaming down the hallway in the middle of the night while you're trying to work his gas bubbles out, and it just, it spiraled me. I mean, I would be sitting there, like, I'm a shitty mom because I can't even go help my own son because I'm so mentally weak, but hearing that makes me, like, paralyzed. It would, like, paralyze me. Yeah, and knowing that, you know, today, you know, which I wish I would have known then and understood more then, you know, it makes me feel like a shitty husband that I wasn't able to give you that help, you know, and I know no matter what, I wouldn't have understood it. No, because you're a man. Yeah, and I'm a man. You know, most men, you know, I was doing the night shift with hours at a time with them going to work at 5 a.m. You know, I never knew how the day was going to be for you. I will say one thing I'm very grateful for is that my depression didn't take me down the road of, like, not wanting a writer because that, you just hear horror stories about moms, like, doing off-the-wall shit to their babies because they're so mentally fucked, and, like, that has always been a fear of mine, and I always promised myself no matter how depressed I got, I would never, ever, ever, ever, ever take it out on the baby because they're not doing it to you, and that's something, like, that's very easy to forget in that moment is they're not purposely trying to keep you awake or screaming and crying to trigger your anxiety. They don't know how to communicate, and that's the only way that they do, and that's just something they're feeling. They're in pain. They're scared. They're whatever it is. So, I feel like, you know, a lot of people may be questioning now at this point hearing what they've heard. Walk us through a hard day while you were going through that. You know, it's weird because it feels like a lifetime ago, like, I think now that mentally I am better. I think I've blocked a lot of it out, but truly it's just, for me, it was lack of motivation, and it was self-doubt constantly. It was just constant self-doubt. I wasn't taking care of myself the right way. I wasn't loving on me. You know, my whole life was devoted to Ryder because I felt like that's what I had to do, and especially with the difficulty helping him through the night, I felt like during the day was my time to make up for that, quote-unquote, you know, lack of parental attention, even though I know that I wasn't doing anything wrong, that it's okay for you to comfort him. It's okay for me to need to sleep. Like, these are normal things, but I felt like during the day I had to just be so present with him. Like, I had to just be in it, and I lost sight of everything else. I lost sight of our marriage. I lost sight of myself, taking care of myself. I feel like I've gotten to a point where we've basically lost track about our relationship, you know, even before we were married, you know, with him. With going through all that we went through, you know, you tend to forget about your relationship. Yeah, that comes last, always. And it does, for sure, and, you know, I can't even fathom to think how you felt, you know, whether it be Ryder crying all day, you know, and I'd come home and seeing you stressed out or there'd be dishes in the sink and you would just lose your shit, you know. It just made me always question, like, how the hell is she not getting this done? Like, he's two months old, like, it didn't make sense to me. He just lays there. Right, you know, and yeah, exactly, you know, and that's the shitty part is that's what I thought. Yeah, it did feel very lonely and it felt, I had a lot of pressure also because I felt and I knew that you were thinking that way and it wasn't coming from a place of being mean, but again, you weren't understanding and then when you come home I would always try and, like, pull myself together and, like, be somewhat happy and, you know, for you because I didn't want you to come home to just me being bleh all the time, but there were some days that I just, I couldn't hide it and I think that scared you because you didn't understand it and I think mentally we both were in a different place in our relationship also because, I mean, we had Ryder, we were, what, together two years? Yeah, about that. I mean, that's still pretty early on, granted we moved fast, but being new also into a relationship, semi-new, we didn't know enough about each other's cues, I don't think, about, like, when we're really, like, at our wits end. I feel like that's kind of a double-edged sword to say even now because there's still times, you know, that we don't, you know, at both ends, but, I mean, we do at the end of the day come together. I think our communication is getting better, both as parents and individuals and as a couple. Yeah, I completely agree there. That's super important. That's, like, something I really, really, like, want to stress to people that feel like they're just in, like, the nitty-gritty depths of it is you have to communicate with your partner openly and I think a big part of postpartum depression for women is embarrassment, you know, because, like you said, you thought I was crazy. Well, that's what everybody thinks. Everybody thinks postpartum, oh, no, like, she's going crazy, she's going to lose it, she's going to lock her baby in the oven or, you know, something, but that's what comes to mind because that's what social media and, like, people have portrayed, right? I agree. That's, like, the stigma, that's the word, the stigma around it. So everybody just thinks, oh, she's crazy, but that's not, you're not crazy. It's a real hormonal imbalance. It's a real thing. I feel like a lot of people put a bigger picture on postpartum depression than it really is. I mean, yes, it's a big thing. It's like a generalization. Right. And, you know, you men out there, listen, I'm an asshole, and I know that because I heavily regret that I even treated her that way because it would make me so pissed off that I was so furious because I just couldn't understand. And I still, I mean, I understand it more so today. I know when it comes to our next baby, God forbid, if she does go through it again, I will be a better partner for you. Yeah. I think that comes with me being open about it after the fact, too. I think me being in it, you also don't realize how deep you're in it when you're in it until you're out of it. And that's such, like, an oxymoron or, like, double-edged sword, like you said, because how are you going to ask for help if you don't mentally think you're that bad, but you are and somebody else is seeing you from the outside? And I think for me, like, going, circling back, you asked about my peak. My peak was the night that you sent me upstairs to take a bath, which you often did because you knew that would kind of zen me out and calm me down for a minute and, like, give me 20 minutes of quiet. Yeah, listen, man, send your wife to go get a bath. That'll make your life easier. It did help most days. Most days it helped. But for me, you know, this moment, and it's hard to talk about. It's a very real thing, but I just want everybody to understand that if they did go through this or they're going through it, they're not alone and they're not crazy. And this doesn't mean that you're, you know, going to be deemed this way for the rest of your life. Like, now I can say I'm on the other side of it. But that night, I got my tub. I have a little space heater on the side of the tub that we have, like, one of those old school tile tubs. So there's, like, a ledge on the edge, and I would keep a heater there. Our bathroom gets super cold. Anyway, it was cold. I plugged the heater in, turned it on, made it all cozy, turned all my candles on, whatever. And I was laying there. I was just going through the day and, like, going through my feels because I was by myself. And I imagined myself just dumping that heater into the bathtub plugged in. Yeah, I remember when you texted me that. And I literally felt in that moment, like, I had to get out of that tub or I was going to kill myself. Like, in that, like, there was almost no control. And I remember texting you and telling you, like, you need to come up here right now and get me out of this bathtub. Like, it was like I knew that I, what I was going to do and what I wanted to do, and I knew that I couldn't do that to you or Ryder. And so, like, me texting you, I guess, was, like, my brain saving me. But, like, had you not, I mean, I don't know. I don't know. Maybe I would have knocked that heater into the tub. What do you think got you to that point? I think just I let myself go too deep. I just, I didn't, I needed help three months before that. I needed coping skills. I needed somebody to tell me, hey, you're not a shitty mom. You're doing a great job. Your husband loves you. He's frustrated. Like, I just needed somebody to tell me that. And I didn't, and part of it, too, is that I kept it very quiet from, like, family, friends. I was embarrassed. I mean, I felt like it was kind of hard also. I mean, we were dropping friends like pies. Oh, yeah, we were very alone. Yeah, because, you know, they weren't on the same aspect as us because they don't have kids or weren't having kids. Or they did have kids and their priorities were different. Yeah, which is fine. You know, everybody's got their own thing. Right. You know, did you ever eventually feel like you needed medical intervention or outside help, maybe? Oh, yeah, that night. That night I told you, like, there's something wrong with me. Like, I've gone through depression. I've gone through it all. You know, when my dad died, obviously hit a pretty gnarly point in my life. But I never once got to that point where, like, I physically watched myself do it. It was like this outer body experience. It was such a trip. It was the weirdest thing. But after that night I told you, like, there's something wrong. And I just remember, like, breaking down in your arms. And that's kind of when your wall came down a little bit because I think you realized how bad I was. Like, this wasn't just me being lazy or being tired or not wanting to do something or whatever you thought. Me being crazy. You realized, like, okay, fuck, this is real. Like, she's actually in a dark hole. And I remember going to my grandma's house after, shortly after that, I think it was like a week or two later, and my mom and my stepdad were there. And I remember admitting to them I was severely depressed and I needed medication. And I just, I was not well. Yeah, I feel like when we were at that point, you know, your mom had finally taken you serious about it for about a minute. Yeah. You know, and that played a big part too, you know, as our families, you know, even them didn't really understand. You know, our friends didn't really understand. You know, so it made it hard for us for sure. You know, coming from a third party, you know, watching it, you know, it definitely impacted my life massively, you know. It sucked because I would go to work and Jade would be texting me that she just can't do it or, you know, she can't function today or she's been crying or Ryder just won't, you know, quote unquote shut the fuck up, you know, because she was so far deep into it, you know, and it sucked because eight hours to me felt like a lifetime. It felt like a lifetime to me too. You know, so to the dads out there that don't understand, you know, from my point of view, try to understand your wife, your girlfriend, your fiancee. Baby mama. Baby mama, whatever, from that aspect and just try to help as much as you can. You're never going to understand it, at least until after your first child and she's fully out of it. You know, not all women do go through it, you know, and hats off to them. Yeah, for sure. You know. But the women that do and there's more of us than a lot of people care to admit. Again, it's that stigma, that fear of embarrassment, of judgment, of, oh, well, she's a shitty mom. She can't even, she has an anxiety attack over changing a diaper. It's just a diaper. No. But when you're in that, it's not just a diaper. You know, you're thinking, oh, my God, if your kid's mobile at that point, let's say, I got to wrestle him and I got to pin him down and, you know, it's like this whole, I would go through everything in my day, like step by step, and if I didn't sit down in the morning and literally plan my day down to the fucking minute or hour, I would lose it. I would lose my mind, and it was the weirdest cycle. And then I remember, like, I'd be like, okay, just make it to nap, just make it to nap, right, or first nap, second nap. And then I would get through second nap, and I'd be like, okay, like, dad's going to be home soon. And it was like this relief of not like pawning him off on you, but just knowing that there's another adult that's there that's capable of helping, contributing. I didn't feel lonely when you were home because I wasn't alone, and so I knew that if you started screaming, crying, and freaking out, and I couldn't figure it out, I had you there. Yeah, you weren't on your own at that point. Right. You know, and granted, I would get home, what, 5, 6 o'clock, you know, and by the time I got home, it was almost bedtime for him, so, you know, you didn't really get that much of a break. To me, I'm like, well, fuck, I came home, I didn't even take a shower, I took care of the baby. To me, I was like, fuck, this is a piece of cake. How can she do this? It didn't make sense to me. Well, and shortly, shortly after, I'd say what, it was like Christmas time when you stopped working. Yeah. Or a little bit before that, a little bit before Christmas time you stopped working. So you only worked like the first like couple of months after my 6-week clearance or whatever it was, and then you were home most of the time. Yeah. And you were home the rest of his first year, which was a joint decision, but it was also like, I remember telling you, like, I can't fucking do this by myself. Yeah. I mean, it got to the point where, fuck, we were almost gonna split up. Yeah. You know, it was so bad that, you know, she felt so alone and that our relationship was taking a shit because I was more in the mindset of I gotta work to make us even money to live, you know, while she's sitting here just dying slowly on the inside. There was nothing I could do. Yeah. And I did, I did finally get myself out of it, but also, I mean, we were on the weekends with a few friends we did have. We were partying every weekend. I mean, I was drinking a lot, and that also contributed to my depression, which I didn't understand was a really bad cycle. I was, I would drink to relax, to cope with all this shit going on in my head and take a mental break, and the next day I'd wake up even worse, you know, and so I think that just kept the cycle going a little bit. Yeah, I think the next morning was definitely rough, you know, not only for myself or her, but I feel like you'd get anxiety really bad. So bad. You know, it's where... It was crippling. It was crippling, and even that, I still couldn't even understand why the fuck is she acting this way. Well, your depression, I didn't even think, played into fucking fact with it. Right. You know, it was just, it was unbearable to watch you drown yourself in alcohol and then be even a worse stage the next day. And then beat myself up for a week about what I couldn't do on Sunday. You know. Yeah. It just, it was a hell of a ride. It was a hell of a year. I would say it took me really until Ryder's first birthday to kind of come out of it, and the other portion and aspect of this, which, I mean, I don't care, I'll talk about it, I'm an open book, but, you know, our eating habits were not great, you know. I mean, we were depressed, we both were, and we were just in survival, which, that's normal when you're in newborn survival, especially your first time, you're not thinking about, oh, well, I better eat my vegetables, like, you're like, what's quick, fast, and easy so we can go to bed while he's sleeping? Fucking nasty ass McDonald's, what's for the win? Well, we just, and being hungover, you naturally are going to eat shit food, and so my stomach was destroyed also during all of this. So, on top of being depressed, having anxiety, severe, like to the point where I couldn't even keep my eyes off of him, I couldn't even leave the house without knowing what was going on with him, I was stuck in the bathroom all the time. Yeah, and that played a big effect, too. I'm like, man, what the fuck is this bitch doing in the bathroom? I'm like, what's she doing, fucking crack? Like, what the fuck? You know, it just, it didn't make sense to me why she was in the bathroom so much. Well, then he would get so mad at me, like, what do you mean you have to shit again? And I was like, dude, I literally can't control this, like, if my stomach would hurt so bad, I'd be so nauseous, I'd be stuck in the bathroom for like, it felt like hours. 45 minutes to an hour, I'm like, fuck, what is she doing, texting fucking Pepe next door? Like, what the fuck? No, and I felt like, for me, I felt like, I wish he knew how sick I was, like, this really is not a joke, and I felt like he thought, like, I was just trying to take a break. I literally did. I was like, man, this bitch is getting a lot of fucking breaks, I'm over here working six days a week, fucking busting my ass, and she's in here taking a shit for three hours. Now you're making me sound like a bad mom. Well, you're not a bad mom. No, I was present as much as I could be. No, you were. And I did really push myself, I will say that, I pushed myself probably too far, just because of the personality I am, I'm stubborn, and I wasn't going to let it beat me, but once I figured out my stomach, and I figured out, like, my food triggers, because once you have a baby, it's so true, everything changes in your body. You know, you may not be able to eat certain things that you were able to eat before, and when I was pregnant with Ryder, you know, all of my sensitivities and allergies went away, and so I was just living the high life, like, eating whatever I wanted after I had him, like, I was still pregnant, and my body just could not take it, you know, it was just, I developed so many sensitivities to new things, and so once I started listening to my body's cues, and I finally got fed up with being sick, I mean, I was, like, fed up. At that point, I started to eat better, kind of listen more to my body and pay attention, like, if mom's not okay, nobody's okay. I can't love on everybody else the right way unless I'm loving on me, and I think that's when it turned the corner for me, and I started to come out of it, because I wasn't in the bathroom all the time. I wasn't nauseous, you know, I had energy, that was the other thing. When your body is not absorbing the right nutrients for you, you can't function, you just, you're like a slug all day. Yeah, I mean, like I said, it played a big factor on our relationship, raising Ryder. You know, it's hard to really pinpoint where certain points were good, certain points were bad, but through it all, you know, granted, you were the best mom you could possibly be. Yeah, I did the best I could for him. And that's what matters the most, and we were proud of you every day that you got up and fought your battle, you know, and I think a lot of moms out there don't get that recognition that, you know, the fathers are proud of them, and like myself, I'm an idiot, don't show it as often, or don't show it the right way, you know, and I feel like that's a lot of a men's mentality, that we don't know how to show the other, you know, hey, you are doing a really good job, you know, even if by saying it, like sometimes, you know, it sounds great, but there's more to showing than saying, you know, and I am one to plead the fifth, I had a very shitty time doing it to you. I think a big part of it, too, is you can feel both feelings. You can be proud of me for fighting through the times I fought through, and like where you saw my strengths coming through, and you can also be fucking frustrated as shit with me for my weak times. Those go together, because most of the time, you have a day of both. It's not just one, oh, all day is awful. Most days are up and down, up and down, that's normal. So it's confusing, I think, you know, for you to feel both, both feelings at once. Yeah, I mean, it was definitely confusing, because I couldn't figure out where we were going with this. There would be one day, she would be doing solid, and I'm like, damn, maybe we are out of the neck of the woods. Yeah. But, you know, and then the next day, it would be trenches deep, you know. It was very up and down. Yeah, and we'd be like, fuck, like I thought we were out of this. Yeah, like I said, I think for me, I started to feel myself become human again when I started to eat better, because alongside that came, I lost a lot of the weight. You know, I, when I first had Ryder, we got super sick, and so I dropped 30 pounds instantly. And so I went back to pre-pregnancy weight almost immediately. I mean, I was pre-pregnancy weight by three months with him. And then we started drinking and eating and partying and just not being healthy, and so I put on another 20 pounds, 25 pounds back. So I also was miserable with how I looked. And obviously, after you have a baby, your body changes. It's never going to look the same. I mean, unless you really, really, really work at it, your body is foreign at that point. And I think once I started to kind of lose some of the weight again, I was like, okay, I'm eating better. I'm not in the bathroom all the time. I'm losing some weight. I feel good. Like, I felt like it helped me be a more capable mother, as stupid as that sounded. So with that being said, would you say that for women that can't lose the weight as fast, that that would play a big factor in the depression too with that? I mean, obviously, weight is a very sensitive topic, and I'm not saying that everything is about weight or how you look. For me, it's how you feel. If you're someone like me who struggles with eating disorders, body dysmorphia, that kind of stuff, weight plays a huge factor in your mental health too. So I feel like all of these things were just one jumbled up mess, and I had to kind of slowly pick through each thing and figure out, okay, what's causing me to act this way? What's causing me to feel this way? And I think truly once I started to just realize that I could love on me a little bit and that it wasn't selfish of me to go to the doctor, talk about what symptoms I was having. I mean, at one point, we had a scare, and we thought I had pancreatic cancer, which that was terrifying. I mean, that was an eye-opener too, I think, for both of us. Yeah, it was a hell of a thought. Yeah, and it basically, without going into much detail, I was having this pain that would come and go, and where it was was right where my pancreas is, and so finally the pain got so bad one day, you forced me to go to urgent care, and I am not one to go to hospitals for anything, and so I agreed on urgent care. And they did an ultrasound, and it was, what was it? Inflamed, right? Yeah, it was inflamed, and my blood levels were a little bit off, showing that maybe something was up. So basically, I had to go on a strict diet. That was another thing that kind of sparked my eating cleaner, and I went back and got checked, and the swelling had gone down, and everything was normal. But, I mean, you look it up, which, of course, Dr. Google is like the worst thing you could do, but I'm famous for that. The worst. Ladies, stop. Don't do it. You're killing us men. Do not go on Dr. Google. Men, sleep. But I did, and you did too, and we both saw the first thing that popped up was cancer, and I just thought, oh my God. Yeah. Like, I just had my baby. I'm a fucking idiot for getting on that shit. Well, and all I'm thinking is, great, so now I'm going to have cancer, now I'm really going to be depressed, and I just missed the first eight months of my son's life because I was depressed before. So, you know, thank God, and for whatever reason, things cleared up, and I'm still here, which we are grateful for, but that was definitely a scary moment too. His first year of life was intense. It was intense. I would say it was the hardest thing I have ever done with how many ups and downs was with him, and that's not even with the teasing. I mean, teasing was awful too, but we figured it out eventually. I feel like teasing we handled really well. Yeah. Shockingly. Everything else was really hard. Don't get me wrong. We were still at each other's throats because we couldn't figure out what the fuck to do, you know, trying to look at every wives' tale you possibly could think of. Yeah. I mean, the first year, no matter what, is going to be hard. It's a lot of changes. It's a lot of growing. The baby's constantly changing. Every other day. Constantly, but I think when the mom is not okay, you know, and even if the dad's not okay, I mean, I'm just speaking from the woman's perspective, but even if the dad isn't doing well, it affects the whole family dynamic and it affects your patience with your child. These are all things that I learned after the fact. This is like I came out of the fog, you know, Ryder turned one. I was getting healthier, you know, at that point, and I just felt like, okay, you know, like it's all coming to clarity at this point, and now he will be three in July, and I'm pregnant with our second, and I feel like now I can tackle things differently, but I wish that I had heard this when I was in the thick of it, or even before maybe. So now that we're pregnant again with our son, our second son. Yep, two boys. What do you think you would do differently with this one if you could try to avoid the depression? What, like postpartum depression? Yeah. Honestly, I think now my confidence as a mom has gone up so much because I have really worked on being confident as a mom, but I've also been thrown in situations that I've had to gain that confidence very quickly, and I think the biggest thing for me is going to be just grace, just giving myself grace. I'm going to try my very best to get this baby to latch and have that opportunity to have the bond, but if it doesn't work, I know that Ryder is just fine being a formula-fed baby, and this one will be too, and that really just comes from experience, and the other thing, I'm not going to be stuck to that fucking pump. I will pump as supplemental if he does breastfeed, but I can't do the solely pumping bottle-fed. I cannot. You don't want to look like RoboCop anymore. Dude, literally the day that I had to go to the specialist because my nipples were black and blue and just bleeding and crusty and so gross and painful, I was sent to a specialist by my OBGYN, and I saw this, and he was like this old man. I will never forget it. He's like, okay, let's see him. You can't hurt when your tits are out. I just whipped my tits out, and he was like, oh, and just to see this man's face, who's probably been looking at boobs for 30-plus years, to see his face and his mouth drop open and not in a good way, I was like, uh-oh, this isn't good, and he basically told me that if I continued on the path that I was on with the pump and doing this to my body, that I was never going to have feeling in my nipples again, ever. They were going to be numb forever, and he basically said, like, you're ruining your breasts. Like, you're ruining them, so he also told me that this is playing a huge part in my mental health, which that was at eight weeks, right? It was about eight weeks, and I said, okay. I came home. I made the decision, and I weaned myself off, and I let my milk dry up slowly, and I had a stash for Ryder, and so we kind of just did the mixing, and we weaned him onto formula, but that is one thing I will not put myself through again. I won't. I felt like a cow, literally. Literally. Literally. A cow. What are some of your concerns this time around? I mean, obviously I'm scared, you know? I'm scared to go through it again. I'm scared for it to get that bad again, but I also know the warning signs. You know, I know what to look for, I guess, when it starts to get really bad, and I think you know what to look for. Yeah, definitely. I do now, for sure. And I don't, you know, I have enough trust and faith in, I mean, I've always had trust and faith in you, but especially now, because we are communicating so well, I feel like you will tell me, like, hey, like, shit's getting ugly again, dude. Like, I don't know if you're seeing it, and I'm not trying to be mean, but we either get you to the doctor, or we figure out what's triggering this. The other thing is, is now I'm back in therapy, which I've gone to therapy off and on my whole life. I'm a big advocate for therapy and mental health when you need it, but at the time, we also really couldn't afford for me to be in therapy. I mean, I'm sure we could have figured it out, but having a newborn is not cheap, and you being in and out of work and me not working, it just was not financially in our budget, but I've made it a priority for it to be in our budget, and so I'm just going to continue with therapy. I think that's going to really help me. That sounds like the best decision you've made. For me to go back in? Yeah. Well, you know, obviously, like, somebody that struggles with it on a normal basis, just off and on, therapy's always been something that's helped me, and I know that it works, so. I mean, granted, some people are against therapy. I was for how long? Yeah. You know, I mean, it's not for everyone. No, it's not, and you know what? You have to find what works for you. That's, like, the biggest thing I could say, is give yourself grace and find what works for you, but there has to be something, and you know what? If it ends up being where you do need some medication or you do need therapy for just even a short amount of time just to get yourself through that hump, you know, it's okay to admit defeat and just be like, fuck, somebody fucking help me, please. It doesn't make you weak. It doesn't make you a bad mom. Yeah, I agree. So what would be one thing you would say to the audience just to help them get by? Honestly, that you're not alone. Like, there are millions of women that deal with this, and I know that sounds so cliche and stupid, because it's like, okay, great, that doesn't help, but for me, and especially when you're in the thick of it, you feel so lonely. It just feels like this dark hole that you're just sitting in by yourself. Like, nobody gets you. Nobody understands you. Everybody thinks you're crazy or, you know, you're scared to talk about it or whatever it is. Just know that, like, you are not crazy. You are not alone. And the other thing I want to say is, like, we're going to, once we post this, we're going to put all our social medias and stuff on. And I want, in the bio, and I want you guys to feel free to message either one of us. Even, you know, I mean, ladies, be respectful, because I'll come after you. I'm just kidding. But no, it's like, you know, men, if you want to reach out to Chris, or ladies, if you want to reach out to me, or you want to reach out to both of us. Like, if you want to talk. Either one is fine, even if it's a female to me or male to her. Yeah, yeah. And, you know, in today's age, it's hard, because it's like, males don't like to open up to males, which is fine. Yeah, there's like a macho. It's masculine. I can't pronounce it. Masculinity. Yeah. You know, and that's fine. You know, hate to each their own. You know, I was that way for a long time. You know, and just don't hesitate to reach out. You know, even if you're filling in the dumps and you need just an answer, if we can give an answer, or someone to talk to, don't hesitate. No, seriously. We mean that. A thousand percent. I know a lot of people say that. No, like, we a thousand percent mean it. You know, we will do our very best to help you in any way that we can. Obviously, we're not medical professionals. I'm in no way, shape, or form claiming to know any of that stuff medically. Obviously, always, always, always, always, always contact your doctor if you really feel like something's wrong or up. But if you just need a friend, a shoulder to cry on, somebody to just get it, you know, when you're in the thick of it, like, we're here. And that's the biggest point of us making this podcast, is that we don't want people to feel alone like we did. Yeah, I agree. We definitely don't. You know, it's shitty. It's a very shitty feeling, but, you know, eventually we'll start telling more of our story. Yeah. Oh, yeah. We're going to get into all of it. But we do appreciate you guys all tuning in and at least listening. Even if it's a short period of time, you know, at least know that you're not alone. Yeah, you know, and I think the biggest goal that we want to achieve out of this, if we can, is telling our stories because we have a lot of them to hopefully... Like a fucking book, let me tell you. If we wrote a book, we'd make millions. Oh, yeah. To hopefully help somebody else that might be going through something similar and just might need to hear it. You know, there's obviously so many platforms now and different forms of social media and different ways to connect to people. But I know for me, one of the things that really helped me feel not so lonely was finding moms on TikTok that were going through similar things or had a child of similar age and just watching their day-to-day life. I don't... It's the weirdest because it's on a screen. But for me, it made me feel less alone because somebody else was also maybe going through a tantrum or a phase or they're teething or they're gassy or just watching how other moms do their daily lives. You know, it was interesting. So I think that's also something that I'm probably going to start here in a little while is doing a TikTok and, again, just trying to resonate with people, trying to help people. Yeah, it's not about the fame or anything like that. It's literally just connecting with people that understand it on that same level, you know, and don't feel like your life's a fucking movie because our life was a fucking movie for the longest time. It still is most of the days. Honestly, it does some days feel like we're in a movie. Like, hey, when's the director going to come in and clap the thing and say... You know, but we do appreciate all of you. And we'll be posting this on Spotify and possibly Facebook. You know, we'll see how far we can get it out there. But we do appreciate you guys tuning in. Thank you for coming by and listening. We're excited. This is going to be fun. It is. This is going to be a whole new journey. And hopefully you guys don't get tired of our ADHD back and forth roundabout stories. You got to bear with us on that one. And don't worry, we'll get better mics next time. Till next time, guys. Thank you for choosing Heavy Throttle.