do-all-coulpes-drift

The Rich Relationship Podcast hosts, Gil and Renee, welcome listeners and discuss the hot weather. They introduce a game and explain that they will be discussing the topic of couples drifting apart. They share their own experiences and offer tips on communication and spending quality time together. They emphasize the importance of having an anchor, such as faith, to prevent drifting. Welcome to the Rich Relationship Podcast with Gil and Renee, where amazing things happen. Our goal is to help build, prepare and restore healthy relationships. Hey, everybody, this is Gil and Renee. I'm sorry. From the Rich Relationship Refuge. And we are glad that you decided to come and hang out with us tonight on this Friday. I don't know where you are. But it's for real hot. Oh, my gosh. It is like 100 and some odd degrees. I think it's like 100 degrees right now. Still where we are. I don't know where you are, but it is still hot. I think everybody's getting it. So we hope that you are doing well. We hope that you can breathe well. Let's not stay inside. Get you some air or go to a place where you can get air. Stay safe. Make you make sure you hydrate because we care about your relationships. But we also care about you as people. My lips are stinging. Yeah, I'm going to get the lipstick today. She's got that kissable stuff. We hope you guys are excited about tonight because we are excited. And we're going to do a little game as a warm up. You know, like kind of like hot potato. So that's what we're going to do. We have some cards. We're going to put in that bag. Hold on, hold on. I'm making sure we got sound. But if we don't, before I start bragging, I said I wasn't going to brag, but I'm just going to make sure we got good volume, good everything here while we go. And we're actually doing something a little bit different tonight. We, in a sense, we want to make sure that we give a chance before we just jump right into tonight's topic that we give people a chance to, because we know the live thing pops up and they're like, oh, you may be in the middle of something. We want to give a little bit of lag time. So we actually have, you remember you used to go to the movies and they would show you the little cartoons. I know I'm dating myself. Some of you probably only watch movies on your phones or your, your streaming devices and things like that. But back in the day, you used to go to the movies and there used to be this intermittent cartoon that would play like a hot dog and, and they would soda soda in the park. And then it would be like 10 minutes. And as a kid, you'd be like, oh my God, come on. Or it was also designed to stimulate you to go to that, that snack bar or harass your parents to take you to that snack bar to get a dried out hot dog or some little sodas or candy or whatever. And then you would be broke. But that's what we're doing right now. When this intermission or no, it's not intermission. It's set up. It's freebie. It's freebie. So we have three hot night conversations. Yes. we just made that up. But one of the things that we actually did, we did do a video where we did our retreat and we had an amazing couple, uh, Stacey and Joanna that was with us and we did some questions and it seems like based on the feedback, it got some positive feedback. So guess what, y'all, we are back with some questions. We got some games. We got some fun. Now these questions are designed for you in your relationship. So if you're watching this by yourself, you can challenge yourself. But if you are with your significant other, you can actually have a little conversation, whether you do it, hopefully not during while we talk and with two of you guys, but afterwards that would stimulate some conversation because there is a method to the madness. The madness is actually associated with tonight's topic. So every question that we have tonight actually relates to tonight's topic. You want to give them tonight's topic so you can already start thinking about it and see where we're going with this. Get your mind ready and get prepared. Tonight's topic is do all couples drift? I'm going to put it in the chat. Say it again. Do all couples drift? When you say drift, what do you mean? Drift apart. Okay. And I left it with just drift because it gives time for you to think about drifting and drift what? Well, drift, you know, and I think it's important that you think about this because there's so much going on right now and there's so many people who are talking about relationships, but they're not talking about some perspective of necessarily in a positive light. And so we are going to debunk some myths, give you some tips and share some of the things that we do and that we have done over the years to make our relationship. Undriftable. That's not a word, but make sure that we don't drift apart. Yeah. That's a good point because that is vital to every single relationship out there. And that's what we're going to kind of talk about tonight. But the first, we got the first question. I'm going to let Renee select. She don't know what the questions are as far as we haven't previewed these. And we're going to answer each back and forth. And we ask you to answer the questions with each other, you know, so, or you can even ask this to your significant other in the future. So you actually have a point of topic to talk about. She just randomly selected it. And the topic, the main topic is going to be on communication, our favorite topic. So she's going to be able to ask me a question on communication. And then I'm going to pick a card and then she's I'm going to ask her. So, I'm ready. Okay. I'm going to ask this first question. You can ask anyone on the car because there's multiple questions on the car. One, two, three, four questions on this car. I'm going to ask him number one. Okay. Do you find it hard to ask your partner for what you want or need? And if so, why read the question one more time? In case you do, you find it hard to ask your partner for what you need or want. And if so, why now we're going to answer this. We want you guys to answer the question with each other. So I'm going to say, do I find it hard? Yes. And the reason why is because I am not always clear about what I want sometimes. So it's hard for me to maybe articulate it at a particular moment. I'm a meditator. I'm an analyzer. I'm a thinker. So even sometimes I'm not even aware of what I need to actually ask because I'm not aware of what I want at that particular time. And sometimes when I sit down and I go back and I think about it, I say, you know what? This is what I'm going on. We talk about it all the time on the episodes and things like that about doing some self analyzing and self assessment. At least that's what works for me. So I'm only saying it for me is I have to sit back and think about what is it that I really want in this situation or this circumstance or whatever I'm feeling. And to be able to come to Renee and ask her, this is what I need. And that's probably what I would say is the main reason. So did I answer the question? To you. Let me ask you the question again. Do you find it hard to ask your partner for what you want or need? OK. If so, why? And I did. OK. So that's it. OK. So I'm going to randomly select. So you answer that question with your significant other. And then I got one in the area and we're going to talk about is quality time. Quality time. So I'm going to ask Renee. What do you enjoy doing together and what do you enjoy doing separately? Again, what do you enjoy doing together? And then what do you enjoy doing separately? So that's quality time. Is this our question, a PG question? Well, let's just make it PG. Oh, OK. I love when we sit and watch movies together and we talk about what we see in the movies. OK. So that's something that you enjoy doing together. And something I enjoy doing separately. I love creating content. I love editing and I love making videos. I love coming up with concepts. I still have lots to do. So that's OK. A little on the nerdy side, but that's OK. Because we're nerds. OK. I mean, that's good. That's good. So we gave everybody a chance. We're glad that you joined us tonight. And we actually are going to talk about do couples drift apart? We always like to come in. And it was do all couples. I think a part of it is that sometimes we think that it's everybody. And I think that when you think that, when you say, oh, well, all couples drift apart. No. Just say that you drift apart. Because all couples don't drift apart. So you finish your thought. But what I was going to think, and as we came up with the topic that we were going to talk about tonight, this is something that I believe is something that every couple is going to encounter at some point in time in their relationship. And hopefully it's later. But if you're doing some of the things that we're going to be talking about tonight, hopefully it can prevent you from falling into a lifestyle or habit or things like that. Well, when I say it encounters all the couples that have gone through this, it's probably because we're going to give you the positives and the negatives. We're going to give you some signs that you may be drifting apart. And then we're going to give you some, let's call them anecdotes. New habits. New habits of what you can do once you're aware that you may be drifting apart, that you can actually do to maybe come back together and draw closer together. Right. You know, one of the things I remember saying, we were doing an interview, and I remember saying that humans are prone to drift. It's human nature. We're prone to drift. Right. But what keeps you from drifting is by having an anchor. And so I want to start off by saying that, yes, it is human nature to drift. And no, all couples don't drift apart. And I think that what keeps couples from drifting apart, the first thing would be their faith. Because I think that when you have an anchor and when you're anchored in Christ, and Christ is the center of your life, you have an anchor. So even when the tide comes and the waves come, you have something to keep you secure and safe. And so drifting may be human nature, and that's why we need Christ, we need our relationship with God, to be at the center of our life to keep us from being like everyone else. And for those who have been in the rich relationship community and follow us or watch some of our videos, we always tell everyone, this is the foundation of who we are in our relationship. We have a relationship with Jesus Christ, and that's who we follow, and that's what we try to live for and live through to help others in this endeavor. And it's living out this thing called life. So if we learn something or do something, we know that that has got to be the foundation because relationships are dynamic. When I say that, that means they are always changing. I don't care how long you've been together, whether it's a long time or a short time, it's going to be different than when you started. I think about I was thinking about this topic today about where we were when we first got married, and we've been together to be 35 years this December. And even in that sense, it made me go all the way back to some of the times where things that I did as a husband who didn't know nothing. I tried to do what I thought was best. And then in doing that, some things I got right, some things I got wrong because I really didn't have great examples of what it took to be a husband and the things that I should be doing and establishing in my relationship with Renee to the point to where I knew, this was going to make me have a successful marriage. So when I started really getting into the Word of God and started thinking and praying and talking and worshiping, all the things that are associated with having a faith and a relationship with Christ, things started coming to me. Things started, well, try this and try that. And as I tried these things, I was like, oh, this stuff actually is working. That's like an example of people saying, well, God told me. God doesn't actually, it's not like you hear his voice in your head. It's that you have this feeling to do something that you know it wasn't your idea. You know you've never seen anybody else do it and no one has told you. So that's how you can kind of discern the voice of God when you are feeling like or getting a push or like a call in your mind to do something. That one, no one talked to you, no one told you. And more than likely, it's not going to make you feel comfortable. Right. And it's also going to benefit someone else. It's going to, God is not going to tell you to just be focused on you and what you need to do. And what you want. And what you want. He's not going to just run down your list and fulfill just your list. He's not a genie in a bottle. Without impacting somebody else. So that's not benefiting somebody else. That's how it's going to actually work. So that's just kind of a gauge that you can think about as you're going through these things and that we're going to share with you. So let's we have five signs we are going to share with you that you may be drifting apart. But we also going to give you some remedies to those things. The first one that we're going to talk about is communication. And it's funny how. Decrease communication. One of the things that I think we don't realize is that do you realize that there are couples who are still having sex. But they're drifting apart because they're not having intimacy and they're not having communication. Right. So just because you're still having sex, it doesn't mean that you're not drifting apart. Because if that's what you build your relationship on, you do your relationship on something that is not a real good gauge because. Intimacy is both of you. Sex can just be one person. Right. And when we talk about the decreased portion of communication, because we're going to talk about intimacy more here in the second, but when we talk about the decrease in communication, we always say, I don't know if it's on this shirt, but it's on another shirt that we have. Yeah. If you are having decreased communication in your relationship, a remedy for that is to be hot, honest, open and transparent. Talk to him a little bit about. And the thing about being hot is that we don't want to be honest. You can be honest with yourself. We're not talking about being honest about what the other person needs to do. We're talking about you being honest with yourself. We talk about being open. If you're going to be open with your spouse, letting them know what you want and what you need, your fears, your concerns, even a random thought to go through your mind that, you know, could affect them. So sometimes our thought life is our biggest enemy. So we have to learn how to share our thought life with someone else that could possibly help us to see it from a different perspective. And then transparently, you're going to be vulnerable. It means you're not going to be hiding how you feel. You're not going to be hiding what you, you know, what's going on with you. But sometimes you can think that, well, that's something small. I'm not going to share it. We have to be willing to share our lives with the people closest to us, especially our spouse. Because just like today, I had been up really late and I was trying to help you do something. He said, babe, you need to go to sleep. I can tell in your mannerisms that you're sleepy. And I'm like, OK. She was dumb. I turned around and was like, where'd she go? Because normally there's always a delayed reaction. You say something and it's still OK in a minute, in a minute, in a minute. And she's still doing what she was doing. Well, after literally maybe two minutes, I put something down and turned around and lights were on. It was like you just dropped everything and gone. But do you realize that when you get a warning from the outside of something that you feel on the inside, most accidents, most really bad things happen when you're tired or when you ignore the warning of the person that's closest to you. And so you can't say that you're working on being connected and close and you share something like that with me and I just ignore you. Right. And this is something that I was watching the show and it was humorous in the show and application. It is really, really good to do into practice. We talked about being hot, honest, open and transparent. Well, we work with enough couples that we know that sometimes that can be challenging in and of itself because of the habits that have already been developed in the relationship that it's hard for them to be honest and be open and be transparent with this person that their relationship. It could be because of childhood of origin issues. It could be because of past relationships. It could be because of a lot of things. But until you work through those things, it can be challenging in your present relationship to say this is how we've overcome this barrier in our relationship. And it was funny because I said it was a TV show I was watching. I'm not going to name the show, but the practice is they came up with a word, a key word that's not in your normal conversation that you can say to the other person. And that's the signal to say 100 percent honesty, regardless of whether it's brutal or you're not going to hurt the person's feelings by being honest. But you have to be honest because it is a good practice to follow. So in this instance, it can say our key word can be like where we're from, Detroit. If I think Renee is not being honest and being hot and being open and transparent with me, I can look at her and say Detroit. And that means, OK, I'm just going to put it out there. I'm going to put it out there and we're going to deal with it. That is like just a simple practice that you can do. And I may have been in a show, but it is very, very applicable because it is establishing a new habit. And I think that's the thing that's important, even when it comes to something as natural as you think you're in a boat on the ocean. But we're not a boat on the ocean. We're human beings and we're walking and we're breathing and we're talking. The thing most of the things that we do are not on autopilot. They require us to initiate, make a decision and to take action. So while drifting may seem like, oh, it's just natural, it's natural if you're a boat. It's not natural if you're a human being, because there are so many things that we do that one decision leads to another decision and another decision. And before you know it, you've gotten so far away from the path that you were on, the decision that you made to be committed and to be available and to communicate. And this time together can become something that becomes. It takes the priority over the relationship. You know, if you find that you're drifting apart, think of it this way. When you're drifting apart from your significant other, your spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife. It's because you've developed a habit of being reactive, reactionary in this instance. Well, the way you decrease that or minimize that or stop it from happening is you have to be proactive in your relationship. And we don't talk more about that anyway. But the second one that we got to share with you is the lack of intimacy can be an indicator that you are drifting apart. A lack of intimacy. And I wanted to key in on this one, because this is one that I think gets overlooked or taken for granted, because you don't think about it in the sense of intimacy emotionally. Right. You think of it more from the physical perspective of engaging in a, say, a sexual activity. But it's the emotional side that is really, I would say, the anchor of establishing in your relationship that's going to prevent you from drifting apart. And just as you noticing, you know, I love when you say, I see you. You know, there's a lot of little things that we do that may seem corny, but it's helped us to stay connected and to be available and aware of what's going on with the other person. And so you have to, in your own relationship, come up with ways so that you can stay connected, so that you can stay together, so that you don't allow something that would seem natural to just happen. Because when you take the mindset that, oh, it just happens to everyone, we kind of begin to justify our bad habits and begin to justify our lack of being available, our lack of being committed. And then we start to fall into the comparison trap. Well, you know, that happens to everybody. You know, everyone has a seven year itch. So we begin to justify it. And so you have to make sure that you accept responsibility for where you are being attentive and available and committed and also accept responsibility when you're not. And I can give a practical application, excuse me, a practical situation that happened in our relationship was we were in the military. We're a military family and I was in on the job and an opportunity came up to go on a what we call a temporary duty assignment. It was where you go away for a period of time to do a job. So but sometimes you have the option of whether to accept it or decline it. And, well, I get a call from my boss that says, hey, we got this opportunity. Do you want it? And it came just in a phone call and Renee just happened to be sitting there in the room and I can remember exactly where we were sitting. And I can remember the actual state that our relationship in was in. I think it was in a drifting state at that time. So where I say I just literally on the phone looked at Renee and said, this is where the job is. I gave her the location. I said, this is for 30 days or 60 days or whatever the time frame was. And and her response was, is it making any money? And I said, is it making any money? And he's like, yes. And I and she looked at me and said, go. Didn't even give it any thought. Didn't even contemplate. Not let's call. Let's talk, because I think we were in that drifting state from each other. And that was something that I was I can give you as an example of an indicator that you're drifting apart when you don't have that connection. And so what we did was one thing that we always do and I started practicing this is a check in a check in. It's just like what she just described already is where you become, I say, a student of your spouse. A student of your spouse means, you know, when they are not feeling right, whether it's physically, emotionally, mentally or stressed out or whatever. And you feel a disturbance in the you know what you know, you feel a disturbance in the atmosphere or however you want to describe it. If you have that sense where you're a significant other can walk into the room and, you know, instantly something is wrong. Whether they just coming home into the house or just walking into the room, you know that something is up. You may not know, but you just feel it internally. That is an indication that that emotional intimacy is there because you're in tune with them, because you checked in with them. And you've been doing that. Yes, yes. And it kind of leads back into the communication part where you have been actively listening to them. Those are all the elements that you need to be practicing. That's going to make your relationship or prevent your relationship from drifting apart. And there's so many natural similarities. And if you can relate to my house, it's hot outside. The temperature is hot. Yes. Well, if you came into the house and the thermostat said it was 110 in the house, you're not going to get mad at the house. You're going to do whatever you need to do to get in touch with people to fix it. And sometimes when we sense that the other person in the relationship may be a little hot, we automatically retaliate and react. And so you have to know that sometimes when people are upset or angry, it really has nothing to do with you. It may have something that's going on with them. Sometimes it could be their health. It could be fatigue, tired. And so I think it's important that we know how to read the room and check the thermostat and check in, not just with them emotionally, but check in with them spiritually, check in with them physically. Check in with them about do you have any goals that you're thinking about? So the more that you're willing to always make your relationship with God and your spouse a priority, even if you're checking in with something that's something more of a correction, it's still going to be received in love. Yes. And so those are three that we've already given you. The fourth one is if you know that you're drifting apart, if you have a decrease in quality time. When your quality time with your significant other, like we did it right before we started getting into this topic of talking about what did we like to do? One of the questions to Renee, if you didn't see it, was what does she like to do together? What is an activity that we'd like to do together? And her G-rated version was watching movies together and talking about the movies. Well, that is a moment of quality time. That is what you have to invest in and an activity that you both enjoy spending time together, whatever that may be. Everybody's different. And so you have to know what that is for your relationship. But if you never take the time to figure out what is the thing that we'd like to do together, but also do separately, if you find that you're doing more of your things separately, guess what? That is an indicator that you are drifting away from each other. And it's going to be very challenging to get back together because you have established, you start to establish a new habit and a new pattern. And a big part of it is that, you know, we talked about it last week about wanting to belong. The one place where you should always feel love, seeing, wanting and desire is in your marriage. And because, again, this is the only legitimate source of that. And so if you don't and I think the thing that I love about marriage is that marriage meets the needs that only marriage can meet. And so if you say you want to be married, then these are just some of the things that are important to be mindful of and to not take the mindset and be lazy and think that, oh, that's just going to happen. But no, it happens because there are things you didn't do or things that you chose not to do that have gotten you to where you are. Because if you think that it's just going to happen, then it kind of takes the responsibility away from you as an equal part in the relationship. And we all have to be willing to do our part. And the part of doing that part is you have to guard against contentment. You know, there's nothing wrong with me. No, no. Yeah. Guard against being content in where you're at with your relationship because or you can take complacency. Yeah, but I think guard against contentment because there's nothing wrong with being satisfied with the state in the way our relationship is. But it goes over into another area. It becomes complacency. Take it for granted. It becomes complacency when you allow contentment becomes your pattern and your habit for staying right where you are or feeling like I'm good. I don't need to change. And I think one of the things, I remember we were at a dinner once and a guy was talking about all of the wives and how crazy they were. The only person that can tell me I'm a good wife is Gil. The only person that can tell Gil he's a good husband is me. So it's not about what your friends think. It's not about what your family thinks. What are you saying to one another? And so that comes from you having that closeness and making that priority the time where you're spending time. You're talking. You're checking in. You know, you're not becoming complacent because it's real easy when you've been doing it for so long to automatically assume that I got this. We should always ask, can they tell me what I'm doing? You know, what are, how can I meet your needs? You know, because those needs are going to change as you go and as you've been together for a long time. Because just like we mentioned already, those things are establishing new habits and new patterns for your today. When you have constantly and continuously lived in yesterday. Or tomorrow. Oh, yeah. You can't have that. You've got to live in today. But if you lived in your past and and expect the same thing to work with your relationship, that's an indicator that you have crossed over into that contentment guarding against it or that complacency that you have started getting into that area that you have just basically rest on your laurels when you think I'm good. She liked it then or he liked it then. He's going to always like it or she is going to always like whatever I'm doing in this current state. And it's not a fact. I tell you, it's going to change. It's like we said at the beginning. Relationships are dynamic. You are not the same person you were when you were 10 years ago. Hopefully. Hopefully. And I think one of the things that I am so grateful for is when you know, like, you know, you said you told me 35 years of marriage, but we dated for three years before we got married. Right. And so and we've gone through so many different changes and transitions. I was watching someone else's video and they were talking about long distance relationships. We had those. We've had those, you know, with each other, with each other, where he was deployed. I was in one place. He's another. And I think sometimes whenever you make broad statements like, oh, a long distance relationship is going to work or all couples, you know, to me, the only person you can speak on is you. And drifting is not just automatic. Drifting is a result of neglect. Drifting is a result. And one of the things I said in the beginning, your relationship with God, you know, your constant habit of spending time with God every day. Your constant habit of worshiping and obeying and submitting to God makes it so much easier to do that with your spouse, because we both have different personalities. We both had different upbringings. You is the middle child. I'm the oldest child. All those things play a part in your relationship. So. So that was for that. We actually gave you the fifth one. No, that's three. Three. Three. So the third one that we don't talk about is your future goals and your plans. This is the fourth. This is the fourth one right now. When you are. When you have. I've established my habits when I've established the habit of having my own plan. And I don't consult or include Renee. That is a sign that I'm drifting apart because I'm thinking about just me. Right. I'm thinking about what is it that I want to accomplish or what I want to do in this season of my life. And when you don't consult or give any thought to the person that is going to be impacted by that decision, you probably have crossed over into an area of becoming distant. Because a part of it is understanding that we are two different people. But with your relationship with God, two can become. God's map is different. Two can become one when it's three. Because when Christ is at the center, he connects us. The two of us together, there's a space. There's a gap. So when Christ is at the center of your heart, the center of your relationship, he connects you. So you can't be connected to another person with just two people. You need God. And so when you think about that, especially in the dynamics of a relationship, when you have to consider every aspect of a choice or decision that you make, that's a part of the planning process. This is how you actually prevent that from becoming some distance between you when you sit down and plan decisions and you plan futures and you make ideas or you come up with ideas that are going to affect each other together. And that's going to prevent you from drifting apart. It's easy to just, you don't ever want to take for granted. Oh, just like I paid this week. So the reason why I don't have on a residential church base, because my husband called me and asked me, could he take me out? He was afraid to invite him out. And he said, hey, Dave, I'm going to take you out. That was like, he didn't just tell me, hey, we're going out on Friday. You know, sometimes I do. Sometimes I just voluntold you. But I and I, when he tells me if I bother him, I try not to do that. You know, everyone just automatically assumes that the other person is available. You should always ask because it makes you feel good. It makes you feel, you know, seen and makes you feel valuable when the other person, no matter how long you've been together, always still checks in on you. And that's the part of you keeping your individuality. When you were single and you before you got together, you had a pattern and you had a habit and you had, as the word they would use today, you had some swag. What happened to it? Do you still use it? Do you still do those things that the other person really, really enjoyed about you? You know, even to this day, I always try to smell good for not for me. Probably because I'm always thinking about what is she like? Because I like the response that it gets. So why would you not want to do it? And I don't ignore it or take it for granted. I always because I really do like it. And I think sometimes we underestimate the value of kindness, words of affirmation, being verbal and not just telling the person what they're doing wrong, but also telling them the things that they're doing right and that you like and that you appreciate. Right. So we're going to give you the last one. Increase in conflict. If your conflicts are increasing, it's a sign that you are drifting apart. Obviously, conflicts and relationships are a normal part of being in relationships. But when you see an uptick of relationships, it seems like upticks in conflict where it seems like everything is setting you off or setting him off or you are always bickering about something that is very non-negotiable. Or it doesn't make sense that you have never given a second thought in the past when you were just all lovey-dovey and really getting to know each other and would let a lot of things slide. That's a sign that you may have crossed over into that drift part. Because if you've not done the four other things that we've talked about, this is something that is going to be a telltale sign of a drift. Yeah. And one of the things that I love that Andy Stanley talks about, and when he said this, I was like, oh, my gosh. Conflict, well, you'll test this. Only conflicts that are there are the unresolved ones. But conflict is a result of you wanting something from the other person that you're not getting. And so it's knowing how to be assertive. It's knowing how to really think about what's going on inside of you. So conflicts are not bad. Conflicts are just a matter of you, there's something you want that you haven't asked for or that you haven't even really let the other person know what you need. So don't look at conflict as a bad thing. But the thing is, so the reason why the drift thing could be, the conflict could be a symbol of that is because if you're not talking, you're not saying time, you're not planning, you're not, you're not, any of the things that make the other person. So all those things, there's no intimacy, all of those things connect you. And if you have none of those, then of course you're going to drift. Yeah. And so one thing that we've noticed also in the years that we've been working with couples, a part of that conflict that we're talking about right now is unresolved. When you have a lot of them that have gone unresolved, they're just going to be stacking on top of each other until you have this big wall that is separating you two from each other and from having that ability to resolve things. And a lot of the couples that we've seen, this is a habit and a pattern, they focus on the symptoms. They focus on the symptoms because they haven't practiced the habit of being hot. When you haven't been open, honest in your communication and transparent in your communication, you're going to have a wall built up because you have been focusing on the symptoms of a barrier in communication. And another thing, we talked about it before, is the blame thrower. When you find yourself always, it's the other person, or it's him, or if he would do this, then things would be better. Well, blame never solves anything. The only way you're going to resolve conflicts, the only way you're going to really get close and get intimate and be hot is for you to say, well, maybe I overreacted. You know, well, maybe I was late and he expected me to be on time. Or you should always examine, we always talk about exam, the longest journey isn't going anywhere. You should always be examining yourself, well, if this is happening over and over again, how am I contributing to this? Because it takes two people to argue. It takes two people to have an disagreement. Because if one person is agreeable, it should never just be the one person that's being agreeable. If you're in a relationship and you're the only person that's being agreeable all the time, then you're by yourself. That is not a relationship. That is a situation. Because nobody agrees, nobody always acquiesces, no one is always the person who is. It shouldn't be. It should be reciprocity. Right. And I would even say the other thing is, in this area that we're talking about, don't let the small things slide. Yeah. When I say slide, that means, and this is something that I have, that I developed early in our relationships, where when things bothered me, I would not say something. I would not tell Renee anything. I would just choke it down or suppress it. Because that was a part of my natural personality just to keep the peace. But I didn't have peace inside of here. Because peace does not cause inner turmoil. If you have inner turmoil about your idea of peace, that is really just you, like you said, pushing it down. That's not peace. Right. And so I've just seen this text. We've been talking, and we appreciate you guys checking in with us. Thank you. So we've got a question from here. It's a date with a plate live. I like that. That's cool. That's a great way to see conflict. I appreciate that. Thank you. Thank you so much. So we're talking about actually the drifting that happens in relationships, and we've given you some of the indicators, some of the signs that you might be drifting apart. But we also hopefully gave you some things that you can actually put into practice about some things that you can do as a new habit and a new pattern to prevent you from drifting apart. And don't automatically assume that everyone will drift apart. And don't ignore the signs that you are drifting apart. Because relationships have to be, like you said, relationships are dynamic. They're constantly changing. They're constantly moving. And so the more that you ignore the small things, the more likely they're going to become big things, and then you're going to really need to have a session with someone who can help you unpack. A professional. Yeah. So a lot of times we ignore the fact that the healthiest relationships are the ones where you let other people in and help you to navigate. Because no one knows everything. Right. We need people in our life who have been where we're going, who can encourage us, who can give us a new way of seeing things. Because so many times when couples come to us, the only example that they had of how to deal with conflict and how to have healthy relationships was from television. And television, when we were growing up, and television now, it's totally different. And sometimes it makes me sad and it concerns me because we have all these angry people who don't have healthy relationships giving relationship advice. And so I just think that it's important that we follow the example of the wise and that we follow the example of people who are living their life to try to serve God and serve you. Because at the end of the day, when we leave here, I would tell someone, I say, it's my desire that when I leave here, all of the purpose that God put inside of me is left in the earth. I don't want to go to heaven full of purpose. I want to go to heaven empty of purpose and making a difference in people's lives. And to me, that's the greatest way. To me, I think one of the greatest things that we do as a couple is serving other couples. Because as you serve other couples, you see yourself. Some of the questions that young couples ask, we're like, wow. We appreciate you chiming in with all the videos and the comments and questions and all those things, because it challenges us to not become complacent, not in our relationship, but just in our way of thinking. Because you can get into a habit of thinking a certain way. It's just the way it is. And if you don't get new information, a new mindset, and start practicing the things, because while you may be able to hear, but if you don't apply, then you really didn't hear it. Right. So I always say, you know, the development of faith comes by hearing. But you also have to apply it. Because you don't get credit for what you believe. You don't get credit for what you know. You get credit for what you do. Right. And so it's just important that we realize that we're doing this because, you know, there are so many young couples that we watch on YouTube and that we follow. And it's a blessing to see their excitement. And I love the people that can dance. If you want to get content, if you want to get a refresh on your relationship, get around some people who are just starting and getting into this. And they are in love and don't mind showing it to each other. It will reignite some of those things. Yeah. And that's the thing that has really, I think, has kept us, you know, excited and kept even with working with, you know, new believers, new couples, new everything. New things keep you fresh and it keeps you on your toes. And so if you don't have other couples in your life, that's why we're here. Join us every Friday night. Find a place where you can connect because, you know, it's important that you have a community of people who are like-minded, who are going to encourage you, provoke you, correct you, support you, love you, because you can only become the best version of yourself around other people. Because sometimes you don't really realize what you could become because a lot of us don't have examples. Right. We don't have anyone to show us. And I'll say one last thing before we close it out. I see David, I'm going to answer your question here in one second about do we do retreats. A friend of mine gave me some really, really wise advice. And for some reason, it just came to my heart and my spirit tonight to say this, because I think somebody who's watching this now or watching this in the future as it relates to your relationship, you see a lot of couples in a lot of relationships that are in a bad place, in a bad situation or whatever they want. However you want to describe it, it's just not good. And we want it to be good. Well, there are things that you practically have to do to make it good. And he gave me this advice. Scott, back in Louisiana, he said, Pastor Scott said, preservation of your relationship has to be your number one priority. I'm not talking about it if you're in an abusive type relationship. No, if you're in a relationship with somebody that you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with or you have been dating for a significant amount of time in marriages in your future, do everything in your power to preserve that. Whether it's getting new information and sitting here and hanging out with us on Friday night, it's going to pay dividends in your relationship. But you have to just like Renee was just describing, you have to apply the things that we're talking about, not just here for an hour and just say, man, those are some good points. And, yeah, you got to do the work. You got to do the work because everybody knows relationships is work. Marriages are work, but it's not laborious work where you dread going in just like you may hate a job or something like that. This is the work that you should love to do. So remember that preservation of your relationship has to be the priority that you seek and you want to pursue. And by pursuing it is by applying the things that we're talking about. And so, yes, we do conduct marriage retreats. We actually just had one this past September. I think it was April. No, we've been up to Shaka Springs. Well, we did. Yes, we do. Yes, we do. We plan on doing some more in the future, and we don't mind traveling and doing those things. But we have some things coming that it's probably going to be next year in 2024 that we will be doing. Oh, yeah. Because we're halfway through 2023. Yeah. There are some changes that are going to be happening with us that we're going to share with you guys as they transpire. We're going to start dropping some hints on it and things like that because things are changing. Yes, they are. Not for the bad, but for the good. And you're going to really get to see the test of our resilience and how much we really love each other and how you have to be open to life being filled with movement. And the last time I checked, movement was not still. Yeah. And so. Got to be changing. Got to be moving. We'll share that with you guys. We're going to be dropping little nuggets. We're going to start putting it out there. And we love you guys. We're so excited and so grateful when you guys stop in and leave comments. If you are new and you subscribe, please put subscribe, new subscriber in the feed, in the comments. Because when people come and they see that, it's like, oh, I want to do that. So please, if you're a new subscriber, because we are nine subscribers away from 2,000 subscribers. And we are 2,000 views away from 220,000 views. You guys are amazing. And we appreciate it. And why do we tell you the numbers? Because that matters to us. It could be bigger or whatever, but we didn't care when it was just small and it was just only a handful of people. We appreciate every single person that has decided to spend some time with us. We say, all we said in our podcast episode, thank you for your investment and time. We appreciate it. We don't take it lightly. We don't take it for granted. We feel honored. And even in our schedule, knowing that this is a commitment. This is a priority to us. This is a priority to us. It's like, we get invited to do things. How do we do this? Because I was on a date. And I came back to hang out with y'all. I was on a date. She told y'all. I was on a date. We'll finish our date after this. Yeah. But it's important that when you make a commitment, I mean, tell someone you're going to be there that you show up. I talked to my cousin KJ today, and I want to shout her out because she is a young woman of God. And it's so amazing to hear her talk about writing her goals down and writing the vision down. And there are still good women. And there are still good men out here. I just pray that through this, through this relationship, we can help you all. Somehow, I don't know how God is going to do it. Help people who want the same thing connect. Because sometimes people get hopeless and they feel like there aren't any good men and there aren't any good women. That is not true. You just need to get to where they are. And I believe God is going to show you how to do that. So we appreciate you guys. We appreciate the comments. Love you guys. Thank you. If you want to reach out to us, it's richrelationships.us at gmail.com. We're out there on the social media universe. Renee takes care of all that. She does an amazing job. But our favorite platform is YouTube. Where are we at right now tonight? Because you guys are our family. You are our community. I read every comment. I let Gil read them. Because to me, this is where we feel that we are the most effective because we are very relationship-oriented. And we're not trying to build numbers. We're trying to build people. We're trying to build relationships. We're trying to build legacy of people who have healthy relationships. So please, if you guys have questions, we want you guys to put your questions in the chat. If you guys have a topic you want us to talk about. Wow, hanging from Florida. Hey, Florida. Hi! Hello, Florian. That's my boo. Hi, honey. We love all of you guys. Thank y'all. We are so grateful for this time we get to spend together every week. And we will see you guys next time. If you have a question, a relationship question, please put it in the chat. You can send it again to our email at richrelationshipsrefuge at gmail.com or richrelationshipsrefuge.us at gmail.com. Or you can just reach out to us through the feed at YouTube. We always respond. And it's not a robot. It's us. Just read every name. So go out and practice some of this stuff to keep yourself from drifting apart from your relationships. We appreciate you guys. We love you guys. We'll see y'all next Friday. Thank you for listening. Thank you for your investment in time. Remember to subscribe to the show and hit the notification icon to be notified when new episodes are posted on the podcast platform that you're listening from. Or you can always find us on our website at richrelationshipsus.com or our YouTube channel, Rich Relationships with Jill Renee. 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