Episode 13 - Inner Chaos Outer Calm

The speaker is sharing their experience of feeling off and reflecting on their social anxieties and inconsistent emotions. They talk about feeling guilty for not wanting to go to a party and struggling with their introverted nature. They discuss a specific incident where their emotions escalated and their mother's reaction made them feel worse. They reflect on the importance of allowing oneself to fully experience intense emotions without judgment or the need for a reason. They also mention their involvement in speech and debate and how they have learned from a book about navigating grief that emotions are not linear. Hi everyone, welcome back to everything showers and happy Sunday everyone So today Sophia is not going to be with me because she is at a dance competition so there was an episode a couple weeks ago where she was on her own and now I'm on my own there might be a couple of these sprouted throughout our Podcast just because we have very busy schedules and and it sometimes just makes more sense sometimes So today I've been enjoying a quiet day at home and and it's been a good mental reset day because if I'm being completely Honest with you all which that's the whole point of this podcast. I haven't been feeling the greatest today and there's nothing been specifically wrong It's just one of those days that feels a little bit off and I can't necessarily explain it and that's okay And I know it's okay so at least in all of this quiet that I've had I've been able to do a lot of reflecting and This is some of the reflecting I'd like to share with you So to go over this weekend Last night there was this party and my friends and I normally go to a lot of parties will not a lot But we go to several or we always do something on the weekend. So this is a typical typical weekend excursion and earlier in the day, my friends had talked about going to that party and As they were talking about it, I immediately felt panicked not panicked in like a super intense way, but I immediately started questioning what to do and My instinct was to not go that was my initial initial gut feeling that told me no, no No, I've been working all day. I was volunteering and working yesterday, but I also just don't want to But then as I felt that I immediately felt guilty To explain I think socially I would consider myself an Introvert, but when you meet me, I don't think that would be Inherently obvious like if you were to see me It's very obvious that I enjoy a lot of social outings and I do Whether it be simple hangouts trips or parties. I can be a very outgoing person, especially with the right group of people I can be one of the most outgoing if I'm being honest What I mean by or what I mean in saying that I consider myself an introvert is that I So easily close up in social situations so I can go from being the most outgoing one there the most comfortable one there to quickly being the quietest and I begin to question and overthink everything about a certain situation and Thinking about it now. I can't help but Get angry at myself for it like after last night. I wasn't okay, maybe necessarily if I wasn't angry at myself, but I felt Frustrated I felt frustrated that my mind wouldn't let me see past some anxieties and just let myself enjoy a night and It's so frustrating and you can't even like properly put into words. I'm even struggling right now, too It would be so much simpler if my mind was as simple as that decision to enjoy myself, you know, I Think when you're introverted or you have more quiet moments with yourself it it allows for more voices to fill in the empty space and empty time there and the quiet and Those voices very quickly turn against you So when you're trying to battle two sides of yourself your anxieties just end up Interfering with it all at least for me and I know it's so draining and it's so confusing And a lot of the time I feel like I had to apologize or make up for my weird Social anxieties in that way and I realized just today that a lot of people out there might be feeling the same way so I felt that it was worth it to talk about not just about anxieties, but feeling Feeling like we're inconsistent with our emotions and actions And I'll be the first to say that it happens and it's very real and it's normal because I know if I were somebody feeling This way and I didn't know whether it was okay or not. I would want someone to reassure me. So I'm reassuring you. It's normal. It happens and We're gonna get through it. I think one good example that looking back on it I can learn a lot from was a couple of months ago when something something happened to you Which wasn't a crazy big deal, but it really attacked the insecurity I had about myself and like my Sentiments of my own self-worth and I remember it happening and I just felt down about it for one day I felt really upset about it But my emotion wasn't necessarily blaring. It was pretty Pretty I don't know if calm is the right word, but pretty Consistent and pretty mellow, so I just was feeling bad. I was feeling sad I was feeling anxious and I was just not feeling good I just had very low energy and I think that's how you could describe that whole That whole day. This is over the course of a weekend, right? So I could describe that whole day as being like that. And so that's how you would put me in motion wise but that night I had a speech and debate competition the next morning and My parents had seen that what had happened to me was kind of affecting My energy going into the competition and it was an important competition. It dictated whether I went to state or not and and I was expected to go to state and do good there. And so if I had let this moment Interfere that it would have felt as if this was all for nothing because I let some small thing That in the grand scheme of things wouldn't have made my life any better or worse Dictate something much more important But it was that night that for some reason something kind of just like grew inside of me and I felt Overly anxious. I think it was a combination of what was to come and what not I just For lack of better words. I kind of exploded and and my mother was there and she's sitting with me and she It was very visible on her face that she couldn't understand what was happening Because obviously what had happened to me had affected me and made me feel like anxious and small and whatnot But that's all that it was expected to be something small Unimportant thing that wouldn't last longer than maybe a week tops So I think she was sitting there and she couldn't understand But there was some sort of like not necessarily it was it was a mix of worry, but a mix of also like Not being able to understand and I don't know I don't want to say there's judgment there but is there was some kind of hey, is this maybe a little bit too much for something and I just remember looking at that face and just wanting to cry out even more Because I not only felt so bad at the situation and what it was growing to be inside my head But then I also felt bad for how it's reacting. So I was already thinking about the aftermath. I'm like, oh shoot Am I gonna have to for not forgive? Am I gonna have to apologize for my behavior after this is over and The worst part about it is that I didn't have a reason I didn't have a why to feel this way obviously, there was a why and reason to feel the way I've been feeling the whole day, but to explode like this and just kind of Cry harder than I had the whole day and just like get angry with everyone in myself The way that I had there was no reason for that But it was it was that moment that I didn't want to have to need a reason I Wanted to feel that way because I didn't know what else to do next and I think Trying to battle those intense feelings that came out of nowhere with the reaction of my mother and dad in the other room, I Just felt even more stuck than I think I would have felt if I could just experience what I needed to experience Fully and I think this kind of internal battle explains a lot of why People deal with intense feelings and never end up resolving them because halfway through experiencing them or talking about it with someone they have the realization that I Should not be experiencing it this way or I'm being too intense and therefore I need to hide this or I need to Simmer in some way or I can't communicate it the way that I feel like I need to and So reflecting on this and trying to use my knowledge to best help navigate the situation. I want to help get through and find a new way to Experience these and not have to apologize for it or feel bad about it or guilty one way or another So to go back to it again, I do speech and debate like I said and speech and debate is a very vast Term I would say that it actually is not necessarily just debate There's actually a lot of events that you get to do actually a 10-minute performance of an informational Thing like my friends do it where they basically get a topic and you talk about it for 10 minutes string You just inform the audience. So it's less about debating and what I do actually happens to be acting I do this thing called dramatic interpretation, which is where I take a Published piece of work whether it be a movie a book prose Whatever and cut it down to 10 minutes and then perform it obviously it needs to serve a purpose But the book that I'm doing this year is called. It's okay to laugh written by Nora McInerney and she's written a couple other books and she has some great TED talks. I love them all but the book is basically about Navigating grief because she experiences an Immense amount of grief but the way in which she navigates it is so Random, it's so nonlinear and you can see she uses humor and then she's devastated another second and it's just it's random and it's so interesting to watch how she is dealing with this in such different ways and It can actually be more gratifying and helpful to experience them in these Robust nonlinear ways and so learning from that I think Having learned that grief is not linear and experiencing so many different forms of grief I've also come to learn that this kind of parallels Emotions in general. I feel like now that I Know this about grief. I know that a lot of feelings aren't linear Some days you can feel on top of the world and feel like something doesn't bother you but then the next it just comes crashing down and you feel like you're Taking three steps back from where you were the day before and I feel like after reading this book It's something that I can understand and something I can appreciate about not knowing How to properly navigate things and not having to apologize for it If you really want to look her up, her name is Nora McInerney. She's a really great speaker. And I think I've learned that Experiencing emotions the way that you need to is so valuable and so important for you to be able to move on because Fundamentally you need to experience it the way that you are attempting to to be able to move past it And I think that's what's so essential that she tries to get across in her book It's that you're never going to get past this grief if you don't do it your way So if you're trying to apologize for everything you're you're you're feeling and and whatnot you're never going to actually get over that feeling and so it's always going to bubble up and it's always going to consume your thoughts your Actions everything so I think that's one of the biggest things she's taught me and I'm so grateful to have learned that and share it that being said What I'm trying to get across is that you don't have to apologize for your feelings as much as it feels like sometimes you do Your feelings are yours to experience not for anyone else to understand. That's why I think there's a disconnect sometimes there's only so much a person can empathize and With with your feelings and therefore there's only so much a person can understand That's why it's so easy for someone an outsider to say someone is overreacting Underreacting or we're not just because it's easiest. It's easiest to To underplay someone's feelings because you don't know it's also easier to kind of disregard and I think both learning as someone who experiences this and someone who Sees other people experiencing these feelings. It's a lesson to learn that you need to Validate people's feelings if you ever want to feel yours validated as well I mean, it's simple goals and rule treat others the way you want to be treated in order to create a more Understanding accepting community to help people grow and move forward. We have to be Instillers of that change ourselves first We can't expect others to be the first to make that step because then no one will and the best part is one small change in actions makes Makes a whole world of difference For me, I know that if I'm at a party and I'm feeling anxious or in any social setting and I'm feeling anxious If someone were to look at me and say are you okay? I know that immediately I can put some of those anxieties to rest because my feelings are being seen and validated and Therefore I can work slowly from there on Seeing them through and resolving those feelings and I think that's a lesson. I want everyone here to learn is that Seeing people is the first step in allowing them to grow and get better in the same way as you Experiencing your emotions to the fullest is the best way for you to grow and move forward and Again, just to put it out there and to confirm it one last time You're okay to feel everything you need to feel and you're gonna feel it better for it Okay, that's it for today, I hope you guys enjoyed listening with me and we'll see you next week on everything showers. Bye