Checking myself for growth 1

The person realizes that their approach to life has been wrong. They have always tried to be a part of things and ignored their own thoughts and desires out of fear of failure. They have wasted their life trying to be someone else instead of being themselves. They have relied on others for support and guidance, but now they want recognition and acceptance. They acknowledge that they have been seeking something they don't actually want and that they need to face the fact that they cannot fully embrace this aspect of themselves. If they want to succeed in life, they need to be true to themselves. My entire approach to life to this point has been wrong. So now does that mean I have to do everything the opposite of how I had done it prior hand? I've always strived to be a part of things because that's what I saw. All these things about myself I didn't embrace were still there. It wasn't as if I didn't exist. All the second guessing to be all that I saw doesn't short sight the fact that the first thought was of my own. I disregarded that out of fear of failure. I have spent my life being afraid to be myself because I believed I would fail. Instead, I have wasted my life up to this point failing anyways trying to be other people I have seen or been around. Don't get it twisted. I am not self-sufficient, nor have I ever been. It's always been other people and things holding me up and guiding me and at times me giving in to the illusion that I was somehow leading myself. I'm looking for recognition to taste it, but I don't want recognition. It's a duality. Seeking something that my overall character would never want to actually deal with, but the duality comes from my seeking for acceptance to be what everyone else is. So I want what they want, even if I know that once I reach it, I won't have a desire for it. The part is when getting just a little bit, it's enough to ultimately create this concept. It's rather embarrassing, really, that really believes I have the mental fortitude that someone who doesn't want attention doesn't want to be bothered. But all of a sudden, all of that is gone, and now I am ready for lights, camera, action. Even that recognition I usually create only involves a handful of people who don't even fill a room. I show I'm unworthy of being someone of stature, let alone greatness, that I fail that test each time that I cannot see outside of my own delusion. So if I want to be different, I have to face the fact that that thing is little more than an aspect of myself that I can acknowledge, but I cannot embrace. If I desire to go further in life and succeed at the things that I truly want.