Simple Strategies for Creating a Calmer Home for a Happier Child

In this conversation, Jana Morgan Herman, the Montessori Education Director for Endeavor Schools, interviews Kelsey Padarath, the Director of Inclusive Educational Practices for Endeavor Schools. Kelsey shares her background in early childhood education and special education, as well as her personal experience with her own child being diagnosed with autism. They discuss the importance of connection with children, setting aside time for them, and using rituals to create a sense of connection. They also talk about strategies to help with transitions, such as giving yourself enough time, using visual schedules, and giving children prep time and visual timers. They emphasize the importance of routine and composure as adults when dealing with children. Hi, we're back. I'm Jana Morgan Herman, and I am the Montessori Education Director for Endeavor Schools, and I am going to be talking today with Kelsey Padarath, who is the Director of Inclusive Educational Practices for Endeavor Schools. I can't wait for you to hear from Kelsey. Kelsey is magical. She has so much information to share, and I'm so excited for you to be able to hear it. Before we start that, though, I would love for Kelsey to tell us a little bit about herself and how she came to this role. Go ahead, Kelsey. Sure. So I'm so glad that we get to have this discussion, and I started my role in early childhood education about 16 years ago, 17 years ago. It was my after-school job, so after in high school, I would go to school, and then a couple days a week, I would go to a preschool where my mother worked, because she was also in the field of early childhood education and is still a teacher to this day, teaching four-year-olds. And I would go work after school, and it turned into my career. So after working from toddlers, three-year-olds, four-year-olds, you know, I was always drawn to the children who needed a little bit of extra guidance and attention and sometimes accommodations to help my classroom be inclusive for them so that they could be successful and could thrive. So I always felt that kind of pull towards those children, and after having a number of children in my own classroom with various disabilities or barriers that they were facing, I decided to go back to school and to get my master's in early childhood special education. After I got my master's, I went on to work in the public school system, and I was an early childhood special education teacher for first for children with autism, so specifically my class had all children who were autistic. And then I moved into another special education role where I had children with varying disabilities and needs. After I had my third baby, I needed to take a step back from being in the classroom, and that is when I came to join Endeavor as the director of inclusive educational practices. And throughout my time at Endeavor, I have now had my own child be diagnosed with autism, and it has been a, I always say that there have been so many hard parts, but I am so grateful for this experience because it has really helped me become more compassionate and empathetic to the families that we are serving. So now I have this professional experience working in the field of special education, but then also now this personal experience, and like I said, I really do think that it has had such a positive impact on my role and the work that I get to do. That is so great. I love hearing that story. I know for me, when I was considering working at Endeavor, as soon as I found out that they had you in this role, it was so exciting to me because there are so many schools that are not able to have an expert on staff to support children. And it is such a benefit that all of the schools in the Endeavor community of schools have you and Brittany as a resource where we can lean in and say, hey, the teachers have tried all of this. What do you recommend? And we have a way that we can coach people, but we can also help people connect in their local community, like directing them that they might want to find additional testing or support, which is, I think, great. I love that you do have this personal experience. I know that that means a lot, and it does make a difference. Not that people can't be empathetic and supportive if they don't have that experience, but I know that for me, as a dyslexic person, among another group of atypicalities, that as a dyslexic person, having dyslexia helped me be able to relate to the children that I serve or the people that I'm working with and understanding what it feels like to face those barriers and how we can best support people in a way that is inclusive, which is the entire point of your role, right? So in the talk that you gave earlier, you talked about the importance of the environment and how you can prepare your environment, be it at school or at home, to minimize transitions, frustrations, how to set people up for success, and I thought that would be a great thing to share with parents. If you could name three or four things that anyone could do to help make things smoother and to accommodate differences or anything else that you want to add, I can't wait to hear it because I love everything that you say. Please go ahead. Sure. So I would say probably the number one suggestion I always give, maybe not the number one, one of the top suggestions I always give is the connection piece because children are seeking connections and sometimes we see it as they're just trying to get attention or there's this behavioral concern, right, or they're talking back or they're resisting everything I say, right, and most of the time what they are wanting is that connection with the adult and we all have really busy lives. A lot of us work. We have so many things that go on and it can be hard to find time to connect. It doesn't have to take a long time. So we talk about things like I love you rituals, which are little finger plays that take ten seconds, right, where you can, you're interactive, you're looking at the child, you're having a playful interaction together, and they can make a really big difference. When my own daughter who's six, when she's like pushing against me a little bit, we pause and I say let's do twinkle, twinkle little star, what a wonderful child you are, and we do that together. And the first time we ever did it, she started to cry and she said that was so special. Oh my goodness. It's so sweet. But like it took us five seconds to do that together and instantly she felt that connection to me and we were able to completely turn around this whole interaction of resisting what I was doing and what she was wanting was she wanted my connection. She wanted my time and I wasn't making that a priority. It doesn't have to take long. It only has to take a couple seconds, but it's so important. Sometimes I will also set a timer and I said okay, I'm going to set my timer for ten minutes and I give my children the undivided attention for ten minutes and then maybe I need to go back and finish cleaning the dishes, right? There's things that sometimes have to be done, but setting that time aside and really connecting is so important. Some other really important strategies that can help in terms of maybe transition, right? So that those can be really, really hard times for families. Morning transitions, maybe transitions after school, going home, right? Those can be really difficult and minimizing some of that stress, putting practices in place to help things like giving yourself enough time. That's a big one, right? It's not the child's fault if you're running late. We have to give ourselves more time. So maybe we wake up 15 minutes early, 10 minutes early, right? Maybe a child would benefit from something like a visual schedule so they know when I wake up in the morning, these are the five things that I'm going to do before I go to school. So I need to get up and I need to brush my teeth and then I need to put my clothes on, put my shoes on. Then I'm going to go to the table, eat breakfast. Whatever your routine is, a visual could be very helpful in helping children know what's coming next. I do want to jump in here and just say a few things. One is that you said the word routine, which is different than schedule. I don't think that everybody necessarily remembers that there's a difference between those things. So the routine, for example, we always had a bedtime routine. We would eat. We would clean the table and pack up our lunch for the next day. We would go for a walk. Then we would take a bath and we would put on our PJs, pick out our clothes, read a book, go to bed. That's our routine. Now we generally started that routine at dinnertime. It generally finished around 7.30, 8 o'clock. So there's a little leeway in there. I think that's important for people to remember, too. I want to emphasize as well that what you said about giving yourself enough time, oftentimes because we are so exhausted. If we do not build those routines up, we can feel pressed for time and everything is overwhelming. So as many things as we can kind of develop a pattern for, it can be really helpful. It doesn't have to be rigid. But if everybody knows what to expect, things go more smoothly. Yes. I think another thing also as adults, we are so quick, right? When we ask a question or we ask a child to do something, we're expecting an immediate response where sometimes children do need more time. They need more time to process what we're asking. They need more time to complete something that they're working on that's important to them. And then they move forward. So we want to give prep time. We want them to know when things are coming. Any use of a visual, a visual timer is helpful. Something, again, I use in my own home with my daughter who I'm like, okay, if I just say, okay, time's up, we're going to bed now, and I haven't prepared her, those nights don't go well. But when I have a visual timer that shows her how much time she has until it's bedtime and the timer goes off, she's usually able to say, okay, I knew that was the time I had, now I can transition. Sometimes she'll say, can I have five more minutes? And she'll add five more minutes on the timer if we agree to that, right? She'll say, no, this needs five more minutes. And that's okay. So we're giving them some time that they need, but also that visual to help them understand because children, especially young children, aren't able to process time, right? They don't have the ability to say, oh, I know what five minutes is, I know what ten minutes means. So that visual can be helpful, too. I think, Janna, a big part of this, too, is the composure of the adult. So we're going to have some resistance from children because, you know, they're humans and they're trying to figure out the world and they're becoming more independent and they want to have more independence, but don't always know what's the best choice, right? And we're helping them guide that. But when we react with punishment and then yelling or screaming or we usually either have a child who shuts down and they run away or we have a child who fights back and they're like, I'm going to talk back to you, I'm going to hit you, I'm going to do all of the things. So a big part of that is staying composed as the adult. And sometimes it's just pausing and taking a deep breath until you're in a place where you can respond in a more positive way by validating the feelings. We can validate feelings and not validate the behavior. So if a child hits you, you can say, oh, you're so angry. I see that you're so angry. But you may not hit me. Hitting hurts. If you want to get my attention, tap me on the shoulder and say, mom, I want to talk to you or something like that. So validating the feelings, not validating the behavior, and that takes a lot of composure with the adult to be able to do that and not just react and say, I cannot believe you hit me. Go to your room right now. Right? I think it's important that people realize that boundaries are okay. Boundaries are a good thing. Please don't take anything as saying that we don't have boundaries. We absolutely do. The way that we express those boundaries can help children feel safe with us or not. So some people may have grown up in a house where people did use a belt. They had reached a threshold. And my, my, my, it would have been nice if they could have taken a breath instead of picking up a belt. We know now that all of that matters, and we know that we are, Montessori talks about this, too. She says, you know, children love us. And, and they, they will work with us even if they're treated really poorly. But just because they are, that they will go along with things doesn't mean that in the long run that this is going to, it's not helpful. Like, we can, we can scare anybody into doing something. Like, that's not hard. We're gigantic adults and they're small children. It's meaningful if we can find ways to include them in a way that also acknowledges that they have a desire for autonomy because every living being has a desire for autonomy. And I'm so glad that you talked about stretching that out, you know. We just take longer, and if we've made the fact that we'll have five more minutes part of the routine, they come to feel how, oh, this is when she says five more minutes, the next thing we do is put this away. And I think that's so helpful, too. What about setting up a particular environment? Do you think that there's anything that you would add about the environment, the physical environment? Definitely. So, there are, you know, in your home, we talk about this in our schools often, but in your home it's the same, it's the same thing. We really want to set up an environment that is calming, that, you know, feels safe for children, and that can be things like just the type of materials and things that you have in your home. Are they meaningful? Are they aesthetically pleasing? Because we know that when we bring in a lot of bright colors and clutter and things like that into our homes, that can really impact the sensory system. So, we may have children who are very overstimulated, very overwhelmed by things like the colors on the walls or the type of lighting that we have in our homes, the sounds, right? Are we giving them opportunities to be in an environment that is calm and that is going with regulating that sensory and nervous system? And there's research on this now, right? The type of light that you have in your room impacts people with having, you know, select toys. Like, children actually don't need so many toys. And if you have a lot of toys, how you can scale those back so it's not overwhelming, those things can be important. You talked about lighting. Having a place where they can go that is a quiet space. In our lives, we are often so busy that there is not silence. And silence is not a bad thing. And protecting that space so that there's not just ambient noise all the time is actually a good thing. And adults have to be comfortable with that, I think, is the hard part, right? Like, we fill up, we have radios or TVs on in the background or whatever. But modeling silence, or not being silent necessarily, but just giving space for silence is important. Yeah. And that can make all the difference. Having an area, a space in your home that is a quiet space where children can go. Maybe it's a little, a tent or just a space with lots of different pillows. And you have, it's a calming area where they can go relax. There may be books in there about feelings. There may be, maybe they need some fidgets or things like that to help with their sensory and nervous system. Those would be great items to have in that area. Like I said, just a place where they are feeling overwhelmed, where we can say, you know, do you, your body feels like it is feeling frustrated right now? Or your body is feeling very overwhelmed? Would you like to go spend some time over in the calm area and, you know, guiding them over there and giving them some different things to do? Sometimes it's noise canceling headphones and they just want to pop those on and lay down on a big pillow and breathe, right? And be able to calm. It's also important to know that young children need us to be those co-regulators for them. So they don't have those self-regulation skills yet. So they aren't able to say, I'm feeling really frustrated. Hmm, maybe I need to go put on my headphones and then I need to go over there and take some deep breaths. We are often the ones, especially, again, with young children that need to walk them through those steps of being regulators for them, co-regulators. And it could just be us taking some deep breaths while we're hugging them. It could be, again, us guiding them through the steps of would you like to put on your headphones and go lay on a big, soft pillow? So they need us to help them through that. And it goes back to that composure piece. In order for us to be able to walk them through those steps, we need to be composed. We need to be calm so that we can help regulate them. So modeling that, like saying, you know what? I'm feeling tired. Or I can feel, I've noticed that when I am grumpy, I might need a little snacky snack around 3 o'clock. Maybe some protein. Or I can feel that I need to have a time of just a few minutes of silence. I have a granddaughter who is so sweet and very sensitive to a lot of noise and activity. So when I'm over there, when I can tell that the energy is really building, I'll just say, hey, let's go upstairs and lay down and talk to each other for a minute. And so we'll just go upstairs and lay on the bed and tell stories to each other or talk to each other or read a book. But I'm modeling that because I'm the adult who is noticing that these things are happening. And I can do that for myself, too. Usually when I notice it with her, I'm trying to model. So I'll say, I need this. I'm going to take a little break because I can feel like there's a lot of energy going on here. It's a lot of activity. So modeling it is really important. And another thing about modeling is that we need to model apologizing. So we don't make children say they're sorry because sometimes they're not. And we don't, you know, that's a lie. But we also, it is so important that we model that when we make mistakes, when we said something a little harsh or abrupt or whatever, that we show children that adults can apologize and apologies are nice. We don't make people do it. And research shows that the children who do the most pro-social behaviors are children who see pro-social behaviors modeled, not children who are required to engage in pro-social behaviors. So we are so important in that. I know we're about to wrap it up. If a parent had a concern about something that they were noticing in their child, where should they go in their community or what books do you recommend or what doctor would you recommend they talk to for their family? Obviously, every family is going to be different. Every situation is different. But if you have a family who's like, I am worried about, you know, say it was your sister and she's like, I'm worried about my child, where would you direct her? Sure. Again, like you said, it really depends on the child and the family and the specific maybe barrier that the child is facing. But I always say to families specifically, if you are concerned about your child's development at all, there is no harm in getting an evaluation. So if the child is under two or three, early intervention is a good place to start. They're going to do a comprehensive evaluation. They're going to look at every area of development and provide the family some guidance on what is going to be best in terms of services and support. Every state has their own early intervention program. If they're three or older, that is going to be child fine. So that's also with the public school system where you would, again, receive a comprehensive evaluation. They look at all areas of development. They pull to the strengths of the child and then also where some of those areas of need are. Are there any accommodations that the child may need? And that's super helpful. If a family also, you know, may want to seek out some private services. So one big suggestion I always give families is if you know your child may need speech therapy, you can go on Google and you can search and a thousand things are going to pop up and that can feel very overwhelming. Do they take my insurance? Do they not? There's lots of questions about that. I suggest if you're seeking out a private therapy like speech therapy, OT, PT, call your insurance provider and ask them for a list of providers in your area and they can narrow it down for you. So they'll send you maybe 10 instead of 200. It is very overwhelming. It feels like a full-time job to find these different services for your children. And I say that now from like my own experience. It does feel daunting. But it's so important. The earlier that we can get these children support and intervention, the better. Their brains are developing, they're rapidly growing, and this is such a crucial time for us to get them that extra support that they may need. If your child is at Endeavor School, Kelsey is already plugged into the school leaders and those teachers and school leaders know that they can contact Kelsey when they see barriers. But parents can always go through their, you know, if they want to do things, they can follow the advice that you gave earlier, which I think is great. Kelsey, thank you so much. I feel like I learn every time I listen to you and I am so grateful that I get to work alongside you. Thank you for taking the time to be with us today. Thank you for letting me be here. Have a good day. Bye-bye. Bye. That does it for this episode. Thanks for listening to the Endeavor School's Light of Moment podcast brought to you by Endeavor School. For more information about us, visit our website at EndeavorSchool.com.