240118_1544

The speaker shares a conversation where their dad didn't inform them of important family news, like their stepmom's health issues and their step-siblings' challenges. The speaker reflects on their dad's lack of emotional expression and worries about inheriting similar traits. They discuss generational, gender, and personal influences on emotional expression and communication styles. The speaker feels conflicted about their dad's behavior and its impact on family dynamics. They express a desire to address these concerns with their dad. Press record. So it's starting, it should be fine, we'll see. So we're starting at 7, so we go to 720. Yep. Okay. Is there anything that you fancy bringing? Yeah, so I had this really strange thing happen the other day, but it's kind of like indicative of a whole strange, of like a pattern of things. So it's to do with my dad, and what happened was, is my dad just sort of like casually, so he lives abroad so I don't see him a lot, but I do talk to him quite a lot, and we message each other about various things. But then he kind of like just mentioned that my step-mom, who he's been with for like 25 years, has just had a hip replacement, and I was like, you never told me she was going to have a hip replacement, and that's kind of a big deal, and is she okay? And she's younger, like he's older than her, and he has like no health problems, but she's had so many health issues, and so I was like, that's really bad that she's had a hip replacement, is she okay, like you didn't tell me, and he's like, oh, didn't I tell you that she's having a hip replacement? I said, no. And then he said, oh yeah, and I said, well, I'll speak to her. And then I sent her a message saying, are you okay? And she said, yeah, I'm okay. She goes, but something else happened to her son. She's got two kids, she's got three kids, but the two kids are in her life, one of the children or not, and they're a bit younger than me, because she's younger than my dad. She said that my son, he's had a stroke, and I was like, what? And then she told me that her daughter's partner has got quite serious cancer, and I was like, why hasn't anyone told me any of this? And I was like, that's a lot. I'm really sorry, and tell me what's going on, and keep me updated. And so I felt really bad that, first of all, why has my dad not told me all these things? And second of all, it just felt really bad for her. So I was like, we have to do something for her. So I told my brother, and I said, do you know anything about this? And he's like, no. And then I said, well, I think we need to do something for Christine, my stepmom. I think we need to send her flowers or something, because she's got a lot happening, and we need to show that we care. And he was a bit detached about the whole thing, and just kind of let me do it. And so I organized it and sent her flowers, because they're in France. And then he was just a bit like, meh, about the whole thing. And I was like, this is so weird. Why is my dad not saying anything to me about these really serious things going on in his life, and thinks it doesn't mean anything? And this is something he always does. He never tells me anything that's really important. And when we do talk about something that's quite massive, he really kind of downplays it and just doesn't think anything that it's serious. And I asked my aunt, because my aunt's quite close to his son, my stepmom. And I said, did you know that any of this was happening? And she said, well, I knew that she was having hip replacement, but I certainly didn't know about these other things. And I'm like, how come dad hasn't told you? And she's like, I don't know why he hasn't told me. And then she told me that she'd found out that one of her friend's son had died suddenly. And she said to my dad, did you know this? Oh, yeah, I knew it. But I didn't seem to tell you. And she was like, why haven't you told me? Anyway, it kind of makes you worry. Why does my dad know? I've kind of had this thought over the years. Is there something like, I don't know, is that normal? I know normal's not the right word. But is there something going on with my dad that he just doesn't talk about, really? Or he doesn't seem to think that it's important. And I've sometimes thought, is he? I've actually sort of started to think, now I've learned more about neurodivergency. I've started to think, is my dad like this? Is this why he doesn't understand that these things are important or that they need to be talked about or told? I sometimes think, is this something, has he got some neurodivergency or characteristics? Yeah, it's just interesting. Yeah. And I tried to bring it up with my mom. And she was just like, oh, that's just your father. He's just completely insensitive. He doesn't think of anyone else. He's really unemotional like that. And I'm like, yeah, but it could be something else, actually. He doesn't actually realize that these things are, you know, they are important. Yeah. And painful. I mean, it's shocking, isn't it? Also, getting that over text. Yeah. That's like how you speak to people. Yeah. Do you need to ring him? Do you need to ring him? I haven't had time to ring him. But even if I rang him, I feel like he would just be like, yeah, well, you know, and just not really talk about it. You feel that's just his way of communication? I don't know. Maybe he just can't. He just finds it very hard to, I mean, he must get upset by these things. Like the thing with my stepbrother, who I don't really know them that well because I didn't grow up with them, and they're from a different country, and we actually didn't speak English very well for a long time. So I don't know them that well, but I've spent time with them. He's got real issues. He's like a major alcoholic and heavy smoker and quite obese. So he's had a lot of health issues. But this is really serious. But we actually thought at one point that he might have some kind of psychiatric disorder. Yeah, it was really hard. Like she's gone through a lot with her son. I don't know, maybe he shields himself from it. Maybe he just, it's really hard to deal with. Sounds like it would be hard for you to deal with as well. Yeah, I think it'd be hard for anyone to deal with. Yeah. I mean, I don't get as affected as much because I don't know them that well. And I just kind of think, like, I'm sad for my dad and my stepmom that they have to go through this. Yeah. Especially like, but I don't know how affected my dad is. I don't know how supportive he is of my stepmom. Hmm. Has he, do you feel like this is something he's always done? Or are you noticing it now? No, I feel like this is the way that he's always been. Yeah, it's just him. Yeah. And I think it's like the part of the reason why my parents' marriage broke down. My mom just like found him really difficult. She just found him very unempathetic. And sometimes I worry that I'm like him. Sometimes I think I don't want to be like that where I'm not thinking of other people's feelings. And I'm scared that sometimes maybe I'm not and then I'll be like him. It's not like he's an unkind person. He's not. And I'll call him out on things. But sometimes I think it's like he literally doesn't understand that what he said is hurtful or inappropriate or, you know. Yeah. Yeah. He says some really odd, like he says throughout my life. And then I notice like when I'm, I actually, when the kids were around him, I would almost feel like I needed to protect them from things he might say to them that might upset them. Which is strange. Maybe I did that because I was always used to doing that. Like to like shield myself from things he would say to me that would be like really odd. Yeah. And he wouldn't realise that he'd be hurting my feelings. And I'd get worried when the kids were young that he would say something that, you know, would upset them. And sometimes he did actually. Like I remember he like, he said something to my son and he made him cry and I was like, oh my God. Yeah. It's hard because like some of it is like, is it a generational thing? Is it, you know, the way he was raised? Is it a gender thing? It's very, yeah. Maybe it's all the things. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, going back to what you said, you worry about you might have some traits. What, do you want to unpack that a little bit? Yeah. I think that sometimes, because he's like, so like my mum is really emotional. She's so emotional. And then my dad is like almost robotic. And very pragmatic and very practical and very logical and scientific. And, you know, and I sometimes like think, maybe I'm kind of in between. Like maybe that's the best way to be. A bit of both is good. Not to be totally one and not to be totally the other. But I know like growing up I was, I would probably find like I'd be maybe too direct with someone or too forthcoming or, and maybe, and I'd be like, maybe I would be offending someone or something. I'd be like, oh my God, that's like something my dad would do. I've got to not do that. So, yeah. I think as I've gotten older, I've started to recognise it more. But it makes being around him sometimes quite stressful. I was worried I was going to say that. It sounds stressful. Yeah. I love, I love my dad. But like he is, he's, yeah. I need to talk to him about this. I need to talk to him about what's happened. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe he'll tell me. He has been quite, in the past though, he has been quite open with me about some things. And I've been absolutely shocked. And almost a bit, felt a bit awkward by it. Because it's like things that I didn't really feel were comfortable talking with him about. Okay, yeah. You weren't expecting it from him. Yeah, like a personal thing. Okay. Yeah. Like he was having a, he was having this thing with his, with my step mum, that he was convinced that she was having, not having an affair, but like having a, I don't know, sort of a thing with this guy. Because he wasn't living in, so he lives in between two places, so he wasn't living with her all the time. And he, I think he'd like seen some messages or something that had come up on her phone, or had come up on her laptop because she'd linked it with her phone and he was like really freaked out and he wanted to talk to me about it. And I was like, this is really strange, isn't it? Like this is quite an intimate thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I find like that quite hard, talking about my parents' relationships with them. But then I think maybe he hasn't got anyone else to talk about it with. Men can sometimes not have those kind of conversations with their friends, right? Yeah. So, yeah. Yeah. Where does that leave you amongst all of this? I mean like, I guess I just feel worried that he's okay. And sometimes I start to think maybe he is actually, I don't know, because he's turning 80, or maybe he is actually just starting to not be as aware or capable, or I don't know. He's really healthy though. Yeah. Maybe he didn't even remember that any of this happened. I have no idea. I don't know. There's that factor as well, to think like he's getting old and faculties might not be as good. But to be honest, it's something he's always done. Yeah, it sounds like a really difficult one to navigate. The space, the fact he can't, you feel like he can't communicate to you. There's a lot of holes, isn't there? Mm-hmm. Yeah, holes. Yeah. He'll like shut down a lot of conversations about really stupid things. Yeah. And he says really odd things sometimes, like too, he says such odd things. And I'm like, Dad, really? And like, and I'm starting, I know it sounds terrible. It doesn't sound terrible, but like, I'm starting to really think like, there is something, there is a diversion about him. Because, it's very like, and maybe, and I talked to my aunt about this, and she was like, well, you know, if that's how, if that makes you feel better about his behavior, then maybe you should think that. And I'm like, that's just, that's just saying that I'm wrong, or like I'm making it up. Hmm. But maybe I've given her something to think about. I don't know. Perhaps she means it would be easier for you to understand? Yes, I think probably that's what she's saying. Hmm. Yeah. But you know, that's my flaw as well, that I'm always trying to find a reason for something. Hmm. Um, and, that can be, that can kind of work against me, I think. I think everything must happen for, because of a reason. There must be a reason why it's like that. There just isn't. Yeah. So it's like a pattern I have. Yeah. To find the cause. Hmm. And you notice yourself doing that? Yeah, more and more I have, yeah. Like I'm always searching for a solution. I'm very solutions-oriented, which is great for my work. Yeah. But like, in life, there's not always a solution. You don't always have to act. Yeah. It's quite linear. You've said that before. Yeah. Yes. You need to be less linear. Yes. And that makes me think of my being like my dad, because my dad's probably like that. There's always a reason. There's a cause. There's always a reason. There's a cause and effect. Would that be a bad thing? What? To be like my dad? Yeah. Like when you see these aspects of personality arising. Well, I mean, some things I really admire. I admire a lot about him. And some of his attributes, you know, I'm proud to have. Just the same with my mum. Hmm. But yeah, there are parts of him that make me a bit nervous, I guess. So we've got, so we're spending a week with him and my step mum where they live in Alderney. They live in the Channel Islands. So they live in France and they live in Alderney. And it's his 80th birthday. And I've said like, they have a special week there in Alderney, which is like a whole event for a week. They have loads of things going on. So I said like, why don't we all come? And my brother is going to come with his family as well. We're all going to stay together. We're going to celebrate it. And I'm like, really like, I push this idea because I like, I thought it would make my dad happy and like, and it's a fun thing to do. And my nieces get to be with my kids. And now I'm like thinking, what have I done? Like we're all going to drive each other mad. I'm going to be really nervous about all this. And I feel like my brother, my brother is the one that disengages from it a lot. And he was really difficult to get him to commit to this. And I wonder if he's kind of like silently thinking, I can't be around them while they're all nuts. Or like my dad drives me mad. Or like my sister makes me crazy. She's so irritating. You know, like things like that. It's like, I never know what he thinks. I never know what he thinks. My brother's another enigma. Probably don't have time to go into it. Yeah. We only have three minutes. Oh, we've got a few minutes left. My brother's another enigma. He like never says any, he like doesn't say anything about any, any of these things. He's probably like, my dad maybe, I don't know. Yeah. I worry like when my parents get to a point where they need us, my brother is going to be so unconnected. Yeah. I mean, that's a big weight on your shoulders, potentially. I think it's just the difference, the mix, the difference between me and him. I'm always like thinking, like, you know, when we looked at the different drivers, I swear, it's like, I did. So like five, well, how many were there? Five. I'm like, I think I'm all of them. Four of them. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm like, just, yeah, I worry about them and I hope they're going to be okay. Whereas I don't think my brother thinks about that at all. Might be wrong, but I don't think so. Who doesn't say it? Sounds a bit like your dad. Not saying it. I actually think there's something, there's a lot of similarities. Yeah. Especially the older that we get. Mm-hmm. All right, shall we wrap up? Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Right, I'll just press this. Oh no, it's not on. She's not on. Thank you both for watching. Thank you. Oh, no, we'll put this here. Oh, we'll put this here. Okay. We're going to take some time, and Amelia, when you're ready, you can share what you were left with. Yeah. Um, I feel like I could have hit on a lot more things, but also there's quite a lot of content. Um, I think that generally, generally went well. Um, yeah, I don't know how much I said. I don't know how, like, um, how much difference or debate to sort of the overarching conversation. Like, what I said had much important. Yeah, I think that's, um, I think that's something that, um, you could be interesting if you reflected on that. Yeah. I don't think we use the term interpersonal process recalls. If you listen back and reflect on that interpersonal process. Yeah. Um, because it makes me wonder about whether you were feeling something about that or not. Yeah. Um, I don't know. Whether you were feeling something about that fixed condition around, like, how what you were bringing was being received potentially. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe I'm just, um, I feel like I was being really present and was listening and engaged. I just don't know how I could have said, um, I don't know. I think I just could have been said more, said more, or I feel like I just did a lot of, like, yes. Could have been more forthcoming. I think like you, I think you recognized that there was a content that there was a fullness. At the start there was you came in there. Yeah. But then it felt like you found the way into, like, a more collaborative co-constructed space. Yeah. Um, I think I liked that. Yeah. Also at points like I really related to what the speaker was saying, so I was really trying to be, like, don't put your own opinions amongst this almost, and, like, project. So that popped up in my head a few times, um, which is interesting to notice. Yeah. So I was reflecting on how that impacted. Yeah. Yeah. What service do you have any? Yeah. I mean, there was, you know, I think it was like, it was challenging because like you said, there was a lot of content there, and, um, you know, there were so many threads that sort of, but I thought that, like, how you sort of, how you sort of were, was just like a really, like, empathetic friend. So, like, in the beginning, um, the speaker, you know, said a lot, and there was loads of things that you could have, sort of, as a, as a, like, as an equal, not as a kind of like a, you know, I'm the therapist, I'm here to tell you what the answers are, you know, it really felt like a genuine, warm, like friend on friend kind of connection. Um, yeah, I thought, um, you know, your, actually I thought in the very beginning, your body language was really, sort of, like, a bit, sort of, slumped, and you were like, and you sort of, you started with this, sort of, like, you want to talk about, but then, as it went on, you sort of, like, adopted a more, I guess, like, what might be more professional, but I'm not sure that's, like, the right word for it, but, yeah, I thought, like, you know, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it 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