Mike Hynes Speech

The speaker starts by jokingly thanking someone for their kind words, but then proceeds to make humorous remarks about different members of the organization, mentioning their locations and roles. He also mentions a personal vendetta and talks about the lack of publicity for their group. He then briefly introduces three conveners and talks about their accomplishments and backgrounds. The speech is filled with humor and light-hearted banter. Ladies and gentlemen, sorry, gentlemen, the problem with making a speech like this, or the problem with not making a speech like this completely up the cuff, is that one commences as I'm about to commence, with a sentence like, thank you Frank for all those kind things you've said about me. I'm going to have to cut that one out to start with. However, I do thank you Frank on behalf of William A. Ambleside and the Ship Roundtable, a more effective piece of character assassination I've seldom seen. I see I'm going to have to rely on Alan Thompson to acquaint you all with my many finer points. One thing your speech has done for me, Frank, I think it's made me realise the identity of that anonymous graffiti artist at work in the Kendall area. Carol and I were in Kendall the other day, and there, in the bus station, on the wall, inscribed in large letters, was the inscription, Mike Hines should be bloody well hung. Fortunately, Carol was with me, and she was able to add underneath, he is. Gentlemen, I've taken a lot of trouble tonight to adjust my alcohol intake to the task I have before me. It's perhaps sufficient to give me the courage to stand up and say something, and yet not too much that I may go on too long. Gentlemen, I have to tell you, I may have got it wrong. Cheers. However, gentlemen, tonight I propose to tell you a little of what William A. Ambleside and District Roundtable is all about. When one thinks of William A. Ambleside and District Roundtable, I always find it very easy to think of it as a human body spread out across the map of Cumbria, with the head in the north and the feet in the south. This, as far as our particular district is concerned, works particularly well, because it places the head, and therefore the brains of the organisation, in Ambleside. Yes, thank you, Mr. James. Could have expected that from you. But, gentlemen, and Mr. James, if it places the head and the brains of the organisation in Ambleside, and my geography and anatomy serve me correct, moving southwards, it tends to place the mouth somewhere around Troutbeck. Moving yet again further south, one ends up in Windermere with the, um, well, with Robert and Gary in Windermere, what a better pair of... Further south, Don, through Bowness, spreading Midriff, Mr. Wood, somehow places you in the region of the... Yes, well, not to put too far into point on it, it places you in the region of the external genitalia. But far be it from me to call the next chairman of Windermere-Ambleside and District Roundtable a right... Yes, Len, migrating south yet again, that places you in Kenmere, very much out on a limb, and Jim in Kendal, very much underfoot, on his last legs. Forgive me. It is strange, though, Mr. Andrew Taylor, is it not, that an organisation that keeps its brains in Ambleside should keep its conscience in Staveley? I think, gentlemen, I need a little bit more, and I'm running down. Gentlemen, as your chairman this year, I have been entertained most royally by the Lions, by Rotrax, and by both Rotary Clubs. But if the other organisations can forgive me, I think I must say the most startling occasion was here, in this very room, on the occasion of Windermere Rotary Charter Night, when a certain Mr. Peter Dover, who was making the speech to the guests, singled me out of all the top-table guests for particular and very special mention, the ramifications of which is particularly giving my kids sweets on a Saturday morning while I did God knows what, and the ramifications of that are still going round, and I know that Mr. Dover would be very, very disappointed if I didn't reciprocate in some little way tonight. So, gentlemen, I've gone to a great deal of time and trouble to find out information about the aforesaid Mr. Dover. Rumour has it that he was employed, in some capacity, by the Lake School. This I have been totally unable to confirm. One school kid, when interviewed, did say he thought the new caretaker was called over. Mr. Tipping, the headmaster, thought he could be the new deputy head at some down in the school. And even people well enough informed to identify Chris Peters as a part-time teacher. Oh yes, such people do exist. Even those people so well informed could not bring the name Peter Dover to mind. Finally, however, the school secretary gave me the clue I needed. She had been running her fingers over the aforesaid Peter Dover only earlier that day. And there, in the school science lab, I found what I was looking for. That incorporate identity, Peter Dover, situated in a little black box, inscribed Tandy Microprocessors. Gentlemen, I digress. And forgive me my personal vendetta. Gentlemen, you may be forgiven this year for not knowing of the existence of Windermere Amble Tython district roundtable. You may be forgiven it because while Gazette photographers have avidly pursued Frank Stainton across the length and breadth of Cumbria, begging for just one more photograph, Frank Stainton, yes, Jeremy and myself, we have been totally ignored. Photogenic though we are, the Gazette photographer, indeed the Gazette in itself, have totally ignored us. Bearing in mind the particular pose that was featured in last month's Gazette, if you'd like to see it again, gentlemen, for those of you who missed it. Bearing that particular pose in mind, some of us wish we had in fact been totally ignored. However, gentlemen, lest you should think that this lack of publicity, nay even secrecy, was born out of a sort of false modesty, let me tell you we are in fact rehearsing for our inauguration as the newest Masonic Lodge. Gentlemen, lest you think that we in Windermere, despite our modest, self-effacing ways, were completely lacking in talent, I can tell you we have very many very talented members and tonight I would like to name just three of them and I would like to just very briefly run through, as my little finale, if you like, our three convenors. And just tell you a little about them all. I'll start, if I may, with our social convener, Paul Shingler. Paul has had a very busy year. Events ranging from a do-it-yourself disco right the way down to a lakeland or a lakeside barbecue. Great! The lakeside barbecue, we have skiing, swimming and sailing, or in the case of Mr James, a simultaneous combination of both sailing and swimming. Thank you. The skiing was not without its problems, as John Simpson couldn't find a downhill stretch of the lake. This year we've also seen the birth of the pop groups, we've seen the birth of the Shivering Shinglers, Stefan Graffiti and the Aerosols, and the birth of our DJ, Steaming John Simpson. But on a more personal note, I think I would like to tell you that Paul, as you know, who's featured every year in our little directory that we do of all the people in tables together with their occupations, Paul is the only one to have had a different occupation every year it's been printed. He started off as a market researcher, moved into the catering business as a restaurateur, then into the printing business, and this year I have to tell you that it's very firmly printed, and it's sad to see it, but it says, Not Known. I have to tell you that Paul has recently sold his printing business, as many of you will know, and joined the ranks of the self-unemployed. He's also recently sold his house, which makes him very liquid. You can see how liquid he is. In fact, the sale of his house has proved somewhat of a major coup for a local firm of estate agents, so much so that we've seen that many of the apartments have managed to afford to come out tonight. But gentlemen, I must move on before I lose all the friends I have to Mr Tony James, a friend I could do with losing rapidly. Oh, sorry, Tony, Tony has recently taken his age and experience into Ambleside Road Track Club, and there his talents are appreciated very much. As Malcolm Tyson said, he's become a legend in his own lunchtime. Or was it he's too clever by three quarters? Tony, as you know, is a ways and means convener, starred in the Eric Bristow evening. As you know, we had Eric Bristow, the former world champion dance player, at the Lowood Hotel, and Tony was the man who did all the shouting of the numbers and the calling out of the scores, proving that his numeracy almost rivals his literacy. And indeed, on that night, Tony also proved to us that his family motto, the family motto of the sorry, gentlemen, it's the family motto of the James family is nil mono hick poly illegitimum solicitans. Sorry, Peter, did you want that again? Nil mono hick poly illegitimum solicitans, which very roughly translated means never use a monosyllable when a polysyllable will do. This, fortunately, cannot be applied to numbers. Tony, as you know, is a solicitor, and solicitors have a language all of their own, with their wherewithals, notwithstandings, and a foresense. But I can tell you that secretly, Tony is very, very jealous of the dental profession. Gentlemen, the problem with not giving a speech like this completely off the cuff is it soon becomes very evident, particularly in my case, when I'm about to start with a sentence that goes something like, thank you, Frank, for all those kind things you said about me. Seriously, on behalf of the table, I thank you, Frank, and you see I'm going to have to rely on Alan Thompson to equate you all with my many finer points. At least one thing, I perhaps have now identified that anonymous graffiti artist at Luton, Kendal. Carol and I were in Kendal bus station the other day, and their emblazoned across the wall in large letters was Mike Hines should be bloody well hung. Fortunately, Carol was able to add underneath, he is. He's very careful tonight to adjust my alcohol intake for the task I have before me, to have sufficient to give me the courage to stand up and say something not too much that I may go on too long. I have to tell you, gentlemen, I may have got it wrong. More seriously, gentlemen, I intend tonight to tell you a little of what Windermere Ambleside and District Roundtable is all about. When I look at Windermere Ambleside and District Roundtable, I always imagine it is a human body spread out across the map of Cumbria with the head in the north and the feet in the south. Now this analogy works very well in practice in that it gives the head and therefore the brains of the organisation in the north at Ambleside. Yes, thank you, Mr James. If my geography and anatomy serve me correctly, Mr James, moving from the head and the brain in Ambleside slightly south, that puts the mouth somewhere around Troutbeck. Migrating yet further south, one arrives at the, um, yes, well, with Robert and Gary in Windermere, it's a better pair of, quite, further south, through Bowness Don, spreading Midriff, and Mr Wood, I'm afraid that places you at Ings, somewhere in the region of the, um, not to put too fine a point in it, somewhere in the region of the external genitalia, but far be it for me to call the next chairman of Table a right. Yes. Len, south again from Kentmere, you're out on a limb, and Jim, a candle very much, I'm afraid, on his last legs, or underfoot. But, Mr Taylor, is he not trained as an organisation to keep his brain in Ambleside, to keep his conscience in Staveley? As your chairman this year, gentlemen, I have been entertained most royally by Lions, by Rotaract, and by both Rotary Clubs, Ambleside and Windermere. But if these other organisations will forgive me, I think I've got to say that the most startling occasion was here in this very room, on the occasion of Windermere Rotary Charter. There, the speaker, a gentleman by the name of Mr Peter Dover, singled me out for peculiar and a very special mention. He singled me out of all those top table guests, and the ramifications of that are still echoing round. Now, I know that Peter would be terribly disappointed if I did not reciprocate in some little way tonight. Gentlemen, I've taken a great deal of time and trouble to find out information about Mr Dover, and I have to tell you, I have been a failure. Yes, it is becoming a habit. Rumour has it that he was employed in some capacity at the Lake School. I have been totally unable to confirm this. One kid said he did think he could be the new caretaker. Mr Tipping, the head, thought he could be the new deputy head at St Anne's School. And even those people, well enough informed to identify Chris Peters as a teacher, albeit a part-time one, but they do exist, these people. Even they could in no way bring the name Peter Dover to mind. In desperation, it was the school secretary who gave me the final clue I needed. She had been running her fingers over the very Peter Dover that morning. And there, in the school science lab, I found that incorporate identity, Peter Dover, there, in a black box on the top, labelled, handy, microprocessor. Gentlemen, I digress. You would be forgiven this year for not knowing of the existence of Windermere, Ambleside and District Roundtable. For while Gazette photographers have been avidly pursuing Frank Stainson to the length and breadth of Cumbria, begging for just one more photograph, Jeremy and myself have been all but totally ignored. And bearing in mind that immortal pose, the Gazette of a few weeks ago, do you want to see it again? Bearing in mind that immortal pose, some of us wish the Gazette had ignored us altogether. However, lest you should think that this lack of publicity, nay, this secrecy, was born of a false modesty, let me tell you that we are in fact rehearsing for our inauguration of the newest Masonic Lodge. Gentlemen, despite our modest and self-effacing nature, we have several talented members in Windermere, Ambleside and District Roundtable, and I feel I would like to finish tonight by mentioning just three of them, and I would like to mention our three conveners. I feel they're deserving special mention, and therefore, without further ado, I'm going to start straight away with Mr. Shingler. Paul Shingler has been our social convener this year. We've had a very active year with things ranging from the do-it-yourself disco through to our lakeside barbecue. The lakeside barbecue was interesting. We had skiing, swimming, sailing, or in the case of Mr. James, the simultaneous combination of sailing and swimming. We've seen the birth... Oh, the waltz skiing, of course. Yes, the skiing. The skiing was not without its problems. John Simpson had difficulty finding a downhill stretch of the lake. We've seen the birth of the pop groups. We've seen the Shivering Shinglers. Tonight you saw Steph and Graffiti in the aerosol, and we have in fact our own DJ, the steaming John Simpson. But on a more personal note, Paul, as you know since he joined Table, has been the only person who's managed to alter his category every year. We always print our occupations in, and Paul, when he first came, was a market researcher. He then became a restauranteur. He changed from a restauranteur to a printer, and I noticed that in this year's one, which he printed, is not known. As you will know, gentlemen, Paul has sold his printing business, and has joined the ranks, the elite ranks of the self-unemployed. He's also sold his house, which has proved to be a major coup for a local firm of estate agents, and I see that on the basis of that they've been able to afford to come out tonight. I'd better stop while I'm still ahead. Sorry, Paul. Our community service convener, Dr. Farndale. Well, John, a local general medical practitioner with a particular interest in sexual medicine. John, in an effort to encourage the universal use of contraception and population control, John is frequently seen in the public conveniences throughout the area, emblazoning special messages on certain vending machines that one will see within. These messages vary from, well, the very obvious, you know, stop me and buy one, buy me and stop one, buy me and stop one, buy two and be one, jump ahead. They're obvious through the not-to-be-used-during-the-French-poster-strike. Someone, somewhere wants a letter from you. Someone, somewhere wants a letter from you. New shape, new sensitivity, same old feeling. And more recently, in an attempt to put sex in the home, John has started with his very latest of slogans, which he's now seen emblazoned over the aforesaid machines. This one says, subject to VAT if used on the premises. John, a very fierce opponent of the lateral coital position, you know, having a bit on the side, John has been very active this year with our old folks' Christmas party, with our mentally handicapped Christmas party. He's been brought to my attention, he's now on 30 milligrams of Valium a day, as John says. Reality is for those who can't cope with drugs. But finally, gentlemen, you'll be relieved to know I'm about to sit down, but before I do, I must make mention, mustn't I, of our Ways and Means convener, absent though he may be, Tony James, an ex-chairman who's taken his age and experience into Ambleside Rotary Club, where his talents have been very much appreciated. As Brian Heaton put it, he's become a legend in his own lunchtime. Or was it he's too clever by three quarters? Never mind. Tony, at our Eric Bristow darts evening, as you know, we had the world champion, ex-world champion darts player at the Lowood. Tony, he was our Master of Ceremonies that night, adding up the score, calling it out. Tony, on that night, proved that his numeracy was almost equal to his literacy. And indeed, it was fortunate for us that his family motto, family motto of the James family, nil, mono, hic, poly, illegitimum solicitans. Sorry, Mr. Dover would perhaps like that again. Nil, mono, hic, poly, illegitimum solicitans, which roughly translated from the Latin means, never use a monosyllable when several polysyllables will do. Tony proved that this fortunately could not be applied to numbers. Gentlemen, as you know, Tony is a solicitor, and solicitors, well, with wherewithal, the four sets, with all their wherewithal, notwithstandings, and a four set, have a language very much of their own. But I know that secretly, Tony is very jealous of the dental profession, because we, as you know, have a language all of our own, and it's a language which many may use, but only the And just to annoy Tony tonight, I'm going to communicate with my fellow dentists here tonight using this particular language. Tony is going to avoid the truth. Gentlemen, I've insulted too many people tonight, and I've probably said far too much. I would like to finish now, finish by thanking you, Frank, for the elegant way you proposed the toast. I shall look forward to being at your charter. Thank you, Frank. Thank you, gentlemen. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.