3. WHY DO WE DO WHAT WE DO

The transcript discusses the challenge of translating knowledge into action, highlighting that behavior is learned and can be changed. It emphasizes the importance of understanding behavior rather than judging it, using examples like phone distractions and child-parent interactions. It also touches on generational differences in parenting approaches, advocating for teaching values without fear or shame while fostering emotional health and resilience in children. The key message is that understanding behavior is crucial for effective parenting and personal growth. Why knowing isn't enough. So, why is it so hard? Why do we know exactly what to do and still struggle to do it? I actually think one of the biggest myths we've been told is that if we just knew more, we'd finally change. Think about it. If information changed behavior, there wouldn't be any smokers, nobody would procrastinate, nobody would stay in unhealthy, toxic relationships, nobody would buy a gym membership in January and stop going by February. I say that with love because I've done it too. We've never lived in a time with more information. We have books, podcasts, Instagram, YouTube, therapy, AI. We can literally Google almost anything. So, the question isn't, why don't we know? The question is, why don't we do? And I think that's a much more interesting conversation. One of my favorite things about behavior science is that it takes the judgment out of the equation. Instead of asking, what's wrong with this person? It asks, what makes this behavior make sense? That one question has completely changed the way I see people, including myself. Because here's the truth. Every behavior is working somehow. Now, before you hear that and think, wait, are you saying every behavior is good? No, not at all. I'm saying every behavior has a reason it's continuing. Maybe it helps us escape something uncomfortable. Maybe it gets us connection. Maybe it gives us relief. Maybe it's familiar. Maybe it's simply become a habit we've practiced thousands of times. Behavior isn't random. It's learned. And if it can be learned, it can also be changed. I'll give you an example. Have you ever picked up your phone to check one text and somehow you're watching someone else's morning routine, then a dog video, then someone's cocktail haul, and suddenly it's 45 minutes later? Now, it wasn't because you woke up and thought, today, I'd really like to waste 45 minutes. Your brain wasn't trying to sabotage you. Your brain was responding to something that felt rewarding in the moment. Little hints of novelty. Connection. Entertainment. Relief. That's behavior. Now, let's take the exact same science and put it into parenting. Your child asks for a cookie. You say no. 30 seconds later, they ask again and again and again. Most people think they're not listening. But behavior science asks a different question. Why does it make sense that they keep asking? Have they ever asked five times and gotten the cookie on the sixth? If so, their behavior makes perfect sense. They're not trying to manipulate you. They're learning. And just like we're learning every single day, this is why so many of us get stuck, especially millennials. We grew up hearing things like, because I said so. Stop crying. I'll give you something to cry about. Respect your elders. For me, growing up in a Vietnamese immigrant household, there was also this deep appreciation for sacrifice. My parents worked incredibly hard. They gave up so much. And I carry so much gratitude for that. I don't think our generation wants to reject those values. If anything, I think we want to preserve them. We believe in hard work. We believe in respect. We believe in gratitude. And we believe in showing up for our family. But I also think we're asking something our parents maybe didn't have the opportunity to ask. How do we teach those values without relying on fear? How do we build resilience without shame? How do we help children regulate emotions while also learning responsibility? And how do we create accountability without losing connection? To me, that's one of the most interesting conversations we can have because I don't think it's either or. I don't think we have to choose between raising emotionally healthy kids or raising resilient kids. I think we can raise both. But it starts with understanding behavior, not controlling it, understanding it.