TTB ED KOTA

The speaker is discussing their body image issues and eating disorders that stem from trauma and neurodivergency. They talk about how their weight and appearance have consumed their thoughts since childhood. The speaker also mentions the role of grief in their eating habits and how they used food to cope. They discuss the struggles they faced in middle school due to their weight and their desire to be thin. Additionally, they mention their attempts to exercise and eat healthier in eighth grade. Welcome to the back, to the back, to the back, to the back, to the back podcast. Was that an extra to the back? I think it was. That's why I was... We still got it on time though. Yeah. Well, well, uh, I don't know. This is part two of, I'm going to be doing a lot of talking here. You can carry some of the extra. Part two of our, last week we talked about my body image issues and my eating disorders that revolve a lot around trauma and also my neurodivergency. And this week we're going to be dealing with Dakota's with mine, those issues. So again, trigger warning, these are sensitive topics. I am very anxious. This is something I have been not dreading, but spent all last night and all morning thinking of, um, just because it is probably the biggest, I don't like, I don't know how you classify it, not like trauma or like whatever, like thing in my life, like constant, like to put in perspective, I was telling, I told one of my friends this in college, like a lot, like a year or two ago. And like, I was really trying to explain to him how much my body and everything affects me on it. I don't know if it's the same now, but for a majority of my life, at any given moment, I'd say 50, at least 50% of the time I'm thinking about my body or something to do with what I'm eating or how I look, or if I feel bad or overweight or anything like that. And that has been going on for, I guess, since fourth grade. Um, so I guess we can start there. Well, I'll just start like from the very beginning. As a kid, obviously, I don't know, I really, I really need to figure out if I could block some images during this time to get perspective. But I mean, I wasn't, I wasn't like a chonky kid. No, I don't think you started putting on. I had a little man body, I know that. Yeah, he did have a little man body. He had a big ass head. I looked like Megamind. A lot. So a lot of the babies in our family have big heads. Oh, is it a running thing? Yeah, it's a thing. My sister and I, whenever someone has a baby, our first thing is how big is the head? Because we have big headed babies. We were big headed babies. Is that why you had a C-section? No, I mean, too big of a head? No, your Aunt Kelly had a normal birth with Avery and she had a big head. I just like to say it's because I have a huge noggin. Yeah. Or a huge brain. It was, I literally would have to get his shirts in a larger size than his pants and shorts. Yeah, that's still a thing now because of my hair, but it's always been like, just like the shirt, the head hole. I remember you crying so much whenever I'd put shirts over your head because it hurt. Yes. I'm not like I was doing it on purpose. Anyways, the point is. You were probably in kindergarten. You started to get a little bit like, not overweight. I've been looking at pictures. I wouldn't, I really don't think like truly that I put on any extra weight. You would classify it until fourth grade. And as we mentioned before, fourth grade is when. My dad died. My people passed away. I think it was the first time, not the first time, but like, no, it was the first time where I experienced grief. Yes. There's been, there was times before I experienced like sadness or like trauma, I guess you could say. Well, when Juno passed. Yeah, but I mean like major grief. Major grief. That was, and like one of the big things that comes with grief is eating. Yeah. If that's how you deal with your feelings. That is a big thing. That's a common thing. And what we were, I was living with my grandpa and grandma at the time, and they just moved out right after. We moved out right after he was diagnosed. Yeah. But I don't know. I mean, when I was, when I was over at theirs, I remember snacking a lot. That was a big thing. And just like, I mean, like I mentioned before in the other one, I mean, I love food regardless of what I'm going to say. Like just genuinely like love food and all kinds of food. I have a huge kind of palette. I like cooking. Like I like food and like the like idea of it. So you couple the fact that like snacking as a kid and then just not wanting to deal with the emotions at the time, not knowing how to deal with them. I mean, we can backtrack. It actually started, remember when I was away packing up the stuff to come back home and you were staying there with them without me. And I think missing me and. Well, yeah, I was going to get to that. I also couple the fact that I don't have fast metabolism. That is a big thing. And so like that was a big, that I will mention a lot is there has been countless nights, many during middle school and elementary where I wish I had the metabolisms of my friends. Yeah. And that I could just eat what I want and be skinny. Uh, and I think it's funny enough. I don't, I feel like I'm going to like so many different tangents, um, just because this is so such a big thing, but I mean, a big factor of my eating and like wanting to be that way, I think is you didn't think I liked girls for the longest time. And that was just because I didn't want to say I did because I didn't think I could like get a girlfriend or anything because of my weight. That was the biggest thing. Um, I said all the time, I love my personality. It was just like how I looked and how I felt about myself and how I saw myself in the mirror. I'll tell you, it hurts me still every time that I think about it, that I miss those signs, especially as somebody who went through that. Like, I can't tell you how many times in middle school I would pray that I'd wake up thin, like just, you know, that'd be thin because I knew that was going to solve all of my problems. And you were outwardly seen so happy, um, that I didn't catch it until it was too late. I guess I knew how to mask really well. Well, you learn from the best. Yeah. And I am for better or worse a good liar. Yeah, I'm not. You did not get that from me. But I mean, it's like, let me think all the time. Like I wore like hoodies when it was hot. And I mean, we live in Texas, but I wore, it's the wearing hoodies, um, to cover up you being overweight. It's wearing exercise shorts because anything don't feel well. I never wore jeans or pants until really like eighth grade because nothing felt comfortable. I thought it looked good on me. It was so many things coupled, like the tugging of your shirt. I saw a tiktok, it was like fat boys will know like this. Like, I don't, I don't, I don't like that term. But like, it is cool to like, see, like to connect with those things that you do to cover up that you you're overweight, which is ridiculous, because your weight shouldn't define who you are as a person and really shouldn't. But like, middle school really sucked because of that. That's when I was my heaviest. I was probably around what five, five ish around that area. I mean, I'm five, nine now. And don't get any taller, probably stopped growing around eight, ninth grade, 10th grade, maybe. But anyways, I was around five, whatever, middle, middle five foot. And then I think the highest I ever saw on the scale, and I know I weighed higher than this. I think I saw 240. No way. No, I wouldn't have. It was also I remember being in sixth grade, and we had like, so we weighed ourselves for PE class. Yeah, like share results. And it was the most embarrassing thing of my life. I hated it. But oh, that's the thing I was gonna mention. All this time, I've, I've played sports, I've played baseball, I've played black football, I was active, I did sound like I was just like a kid who like, snacked in like a video game. I did do that. Don't get me wrong. No, he played. I played outside a lot. It was just a couple of the fact that I have a slower metabolism. And just I was out eating how much I was active. Well, in your natural build is like mine athletic. Yeah, I put on fat, but also put on muscle easy to do. And so just that, I mean, just years and years, and I'm like, I'm like downplaying something that like, really is a big part of my life. I'm sure you're disassociating right now. I am. But I'm really trying to like remember and cover all bases, baseball pun. But I guess the real, the second chapter of my eating, whatever it was, eighth grade. So eighth grade, I'm taken out of middle school because of problems I don't want to get into. But it's like I had a racist teacher and it was just at the time, it was better for me to do online schooling, like K through 12. And that was a weird year for me, because for a lot of reasons, that was a horrible year, because I was very isolated at home and removed from a public schooling. But I was like, really enjoyed being at home playing video games. I know it sounds like unhealthy, but I really enjoyed it. I played a lot of Overwatch. I taught myself in school in eighth grade. But like, towards the end of that year, I guess being at home, I like, I remember just like being in my room one day and then just feeling my body, like my legs and everything. I was like, I want to make a change. I want to, I want to be fit. And so like, I was like, I was like 2014, 15. I don't know. But like you do, I think a lot of people do around my age, at least from my generation, like YouTube stuff, Google stuff, what to do, workout routines, what I think eating right is. You never came to me with this. No, I'm, let me, I can feel your aura and energy way in a second. It's not, I'm just saying, I'm just saying, there's stuff that you don't even know yet. And so I'm trying to just go through that. Like, I remember watching like, these like Viners, like do like, in their vlogs, they did like planks and like ab workouts. And I would do like stuff like that. And just do like jumping jacks and starting slow with like 20 pound dumbbells that you had in my room and doing pushups. And just like, I don't remember even doing that much cardio, to be honest. I mean, I got a pull up bar. We're doing stuff with that. And then when I got to ninth grade, the people that remember me from middle school or elementary were like, wow, you look like you've lost a way and I did. I mean, I like going to go into it. Going into ninth grade was my first. No, it was my second because my first eating disorder was overeating. My second eating disorder was anorexia. Or I wouldn't say it was anorexia. I would say it was more. I know what anorexia is, but I was like went in this mini starving myself slash malnourishment because I don't think it lasted long enough and had the other qualities of being classified as anorexia. With that being said, I'm not a professional, so just keep that in mind. And so, like I said, really under eight for what I should have. I wasn't tracking my calories right. So I was eating more than I thought I was, but I was still eating too little. But then ninth grade, like I was still like eating like Chick-fil-A and stuff like that. So it wasn't too bad. And then I kind of got it more in a healthier range into high school. I just started reactivating with like people and friends. And that's when I found acting, theater, and like my overall mental became better. So I think that helped with my eating. But I was still unhappy with the way I looked. I don't think that changed. There was always kind of wanting more to look better, feel better. Even though my friends thought I looked good. I didn't believe them because I didn't believe it myself. And that kind of stayed the same up until junior, senior year. And then junior and senior year, I think I really got the best hold of it. Or no, I'm glancing over something. I did intermittent fasting, which I don't think was... Intermittent fasting can work for people. I think it can. But the way I think it hurt me the most is it took away from me being social, which I hate that I did that. I hated that. I canceled so many plans with friends because I had to fit inside a certain eating schedule that I created for myself. And the whole thing with intermittent fasting is just you eat within a certain... Mine was an eight hour time window. But it doesn't like change the calories in or calories out. It just changes the time when you can eat food. So it really wasn't good for me, especially with doing theater, doing high school, wanting to have friendships and have fun. That wasn't something I should be doing, especially at that young of an age. I should have really just, in retrospect, been eating healthy foods or just really just eating in moderation, relatively healthy foods, working out like I was, and then enjoying life. That's what I should have been focusing on. I should have been focusing on school and then loving my acting career and then building these friendships and just focusing on still being a kid. But I let my food and my overeating and my sadness consume me. Because it did. It consumed me and it still has a very strong hold on me. I'm just trying to remember. But I mean, flash forward junior or senior year, still kind of doing the same thing. I remember my theater coach, even he asked me how many calories I was eating junior year when we were on a tournament. And he was like, you're eating way too little calories. And I remember thinking, you're crazy. I have slow metabolism. I've tried eating more and I just put on fat. I don't like the fat in my stomach. I don't like how it feels. It's uncomfortable. And that was another factor. I didn't like, because even though in retrospect and still now, I know that I let my food and my sadness consume me. Hopefully I can figure out how to put photos up here. I didn't like the remnants of when I was overweight. I don't want to get more into that. But you know, when you lose weight, there's obviously still factors that show that you were overweight at some point and you can never get rid of that. And it was more of me coming to terms. I should have accepted the therapy when I could have at the time. The prospect of doing therapy to work on myself because that's something you have to work on. Yeah, you can get surgery to change that. But really, you should start with your mental before going to that solution. So yeah, junior, senior year. Then senior year, I get accepted into USC, go to USC. Big adjustment, but it was really good for me. And I think it was when I really, for the first time ever, found a good relationship with, or a better relationship with food again. I think it's just because I was so happy with my life outside of that, that I didn't think that my life needed to revolve around what I was eating. And I could enjoy eating food and then also having a social life. I mean, I was eating the campus has so many things. I was eating Panda Express almost every day. Shout out Panda Express, the stream being chickens. And I was eating more than I thought I was eating too. And I was eating also, because it was California, I was eating these healthy foods from the cafe that they had there. And if my friends would go out, sometimes I would, I remember we went to Joshua Tree and I had this bagel mox with salmon or something. Salmon, why did I say salmon? Either way, I do. I say it locally. Yeah, I know you do. But like, I was like, oh, it's so good. And I was just like, I was eating but there was, don't get me wrong. It's not, it wasn't a quick fix. I remember calling her and having meltdowns if I felt like I overate. And it especially happened when I got sick, because it's like when I get sick, I'm so hungry. Yeah, when I got COVID. COVID was really hard because I always felt like I should have been hospitalized. It hit me really hard. And I just remember putting on fat because I was bedridden and I was just eating and I was immobile. I mean, but I did know I did. And I'm saying that was to be said, you got it. You got it. You got to work here. Okay. I did. You have to let me finish. I did put on fat. I don't want to beat around the bush. I did. But that shouldn't have been my concern. My concern should have been getting healthier and not dying from COVID. Yeah. Because I didn't know how it would affect me. But that wasn't my main concern. When I had COVID. My main concern when I COVID wasn't, oh, I have COVID. It was, oh, how does my body look? And when can I get back to eating or exercising? Yeah. With all that being said, I think I wrapped up freshman year of college really well with my eating. And then the summer leaving freshman year of college was the best. I think I've been mentally healthy in my brain, in my body, in my relationships. Just overall, I feel I look the best. I felt the best physically. I was eating more, but still being active. And then all that changed when I went back to college sophomore year. And I'm still trying to figure out what the domino was that brought all the mental things to a downfall. Because I did eventually leave, leave the absence, turn into college isn't the route I wanted to go to. I still want to do acting. I still want to be in that area. It's just, A, I felt like I couldn't really afford it. I mean, USC is expensive. And I didn't know if the college academic route was what I wanted. I love my freshman year. I loved what they were providing. But I didn't know if doing college and getting a degree and going through that was the best for me. And so then I moved back. And those same thoughts of looking in the mirror and not feeling well came back. And at some point in going to the gym, I got bored with lifting weights. I was healthy. I pushed like 1000 pounds on leg press. I'm not joking. He's not. Like over 1000. I was strong. Yeah. I was healthy. But then I just got so bored. And I think it's because my mental was so shot. But I got so bored with working out that I just resorted to like, Oh, then I'll just only do certain workouts where I'll just only play basketball. And then I was like, I got bored with basketball because I never got to put people I wanted. And so I was like, Oh, let me just walk on the treadmill and just do that. And that gradually went to me walking for basically two plus hours, at least five times a week. And then undercutting my eating. And I lost basically, I would say at least 20 pounds of muscle 2025 pounds of muscle, and at least 30 to 40 pounds within months. unhealthily. I It wasn't until May, right before Mother's Day, that I don't know what prompted you to weigh yourself. I've already been I've already been calculating for a few months, what I saw him eat. And I was I was terrified. I knew it was way too little. And I finally like it's very hard to talk to him about his body, what he eats. It's he's so reactionary about it. And I understand I understand, and I understand, you know, like, I get it. But it was Yeah, right before Mother's Day, that you weighed yourself. And when you told me the number, I and there was also your heart rate, you had a lot of low heart rate notifications for like two months before that. And I kept telling you that that's not good. I have a natural low heart rate, because I've always been active, but it was really low. Um, but yeah, that's when I got, I actually was anorexic. Anorexia actually did take over me. And for me, it came out of nowhere. Obviously, in retrospect, I can see how it happened. Why it happened is still kind of figuring that out. But how it happened is very obvious. And it was bad. I mean, it was this new kind of feeling that I didn't experience. Because, I mean, like I mentioned before, I had the background of being overweight. But now, I was underweight. And I lost all that muscle and all that strength. And things just felt uncomfortable in a new kind of way. I'm sorry. I mean, it hurt to sleep. I couldn't sleep. I was up all night. Or I was up severely early in the morning. Just because it physically was painful to be that low of weight. And I would say now, I'm in the recovery process of anorexia. I haven't weighed myself in a minute. But the last time I weighed myself, I put on from my lowest, I put at least 25 pounds back on. I think I put on more. But I just haven't weighed myself because I don't want to introduce the scale and weigh myself again until I'm at a much healthier place. And through that, I've been able to do calisthenics at home. Which is like, I've always actually loved calisthenics. I go back and forth on what I like doing as far as exercising because I get so bored with it. That's a weird thing. I can be repetitive and have so many things be the same for me each day. But working out, I have to change it up because I can get boring. But I've always loved calisthenics. My favorite superheroes are Spider-Man and Robin and Nightwing, all these acrobats. Stephen Amell, who plays Arrow, I love eating a bunch of that. I'd love to go parkour and stuff like that. That's the stuff that really interests me. And I still now would say this, but always, if I just didn't have to work out and I could look the way I wanted and just be just anything besides that and not have to worry about what to eat, I would take that in a heartbeat. It's not like I liked working out. I mean, I do, but it's not like it's something that I like. I wasn't like a fitness head, like, yeah, gym, gym, bro. I mean, I do. Don't get me wrong. Sometimes I'm like, I really like the sensation when I was doing it, and I miss it now, especially like, I miss being strong. But it wasn't like, you know what I mean? Like, it didn't, I mean, I don't, I wasn't a stereotypical gym, bro. No. And you know me, like, it's always a struggle before I get there. I'm like, oh, I don't want to go. But once I'm there, once you're done, I love it. Yeah. If I could outwork a bad diet, I would do it. Like, if I could eat whatever I wanted to eat, I would do it. I mean, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. 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