A person receives a journal from their brother and begins documenting their thoughts and experiences while their wife undergoes medical treatment for cancer. They reflect on the routine procedure to drain fluid from her heart, their visit to the chemo center, and their observations of other patients. They also mention attending art therapy sessions with their daughter and a conversation about the possibility of their wife dying.
My brother Mike mailed me a journal with a note that read you should write down your thoughts while you're going through this it might help and So I did The following entries are written in real time and represent exactly what I was thinking at the time November 2nd six days after taking Lisa to the ER curtain call Well Lisa's procedure was a success and they called it routine Although nothing about sticking a needle in your chest to drain fluid from around your heart.
It seems routine to me But hey nice flex for the medical field good for them Lisa's recovery was quick and still no sign of fluid But today we face a new chapter Lisa's first chemo session The chemo center is adjacent to the hospital We enter the waiting room and stand in line to check in at the front desk It's crowded. I Find myself staring at the candy jar that sits on the counter Are those butterscotch and root beer barrels I Used to love those as a kid.
I don't even see them anymore Huh, well, I sure do hope their treatments are more advanced than their selections of candy Next hi first time here the lady behind the desk asks Lisa nods her head It's rare for Lisa to answer a question with a gesture They hand her a clipboard with about ten pages of questions. I Don't know this always seems to me like a way to distract patients from going back up to complain about the long wait times Excuse me nurse.
I've been here for over an hour. I was wondering if the doctor will be seeing me soon Yeah, hi, we're gonna need you to sit down and complete all the questions Including comparing your pain cycle to the naming of each of the Great Lakes. Please have a seat Oh and make sure you don't forget Lake Huron. Most people do I Sit next to Lisa She reads a question from the clipboard looks up to think of an answer and then back down to right Just slow down the process of these questionnaires they always make the answers very similar example a Question here is I lose concentration during the day your choices Often somewhat often sometimes often somewhat sometimes often average not average rarely often rarely rarely never and never I Want to joke with Lisa about these questions But she's been quiet today And clearly I don't want her to think Sure easy for you to joke around you're not starting chemotherapy So I keep my mouth shut But this isn't us right now she would be the one to comment on these stupid questions I'm still struggling to understand what my role is Sure, it's easy to say my role is to be supportive.
I get that But I don't know how to do that yet Lisa continues plowing through the questionnaire I Watch as other patients check in and get their clipboards My eyes drift back to the candy jar on the counter I Notice no one is taking any I took two of the root beer barrels and one of the butterscotch But nobody else is taking any Why not treat yourself to a nice butterscotch sensation? Don't they see they're individually wrapped and won't stick together Why are my thoughts focusing on silly observations that have nothing to do with Lisa's cancer Clearly, I'm suppressing emotions Maybe I'm pissed for being here, and I don't want to address it.
I Don't know being pissed seems too simple I'm mad because my wife has cancer Who knows? Too deep for me to say Who knows too deep for me to tackle I'll just continue suppressing those feelings for now They call Lisa's name and we walk over to the counter I Didn't finish all the questions Lisa says to the lady behind the desk That's okay the receptionist says this should be enough Aha I Wanted to yell I knew it You just wanted Lisa to stay busy and not bother you you hear that everyone the paperwork is just a trick But instead of making a scene and upsetting Lisa I Grab a few more of the root beer barrels and add them to my stash I'll take my little victories where I can get them a Nurse Walks us down a corridor where curtains not walls have created little rooms on each side of the hallway On top of each curtain is a white plastic square with a bolded black number You'll be a number 10.
She tells us pointing down the hall The nurse then turns and walks back to the lobby leaving us to make our own way Her leaving catches me off guard She can't take us all the way It's right out of an old movie where the local cab driver won't take the strangers all the way to the haunted mansion This is as far as I go Follow the line of skulls to the house with the light shining from the attic And might I add you two are crazy for coming out here We continued on the hall towards the impersonal number 10 hanging over a curtain as We pass some of the rooms the curtains are closed Yet, I can hear the televisions from the other side In other rooms, the curtains are wide open, but no one occupies them.
I study one of the empty rooms If it were a painting people would categorize it as Norman Rockwell esque the title would be something like cozy corner at grandma's house The setting is a brown leather chair recliners the focus of the room a Smaller fabric color chair sits to the left for a guest to use There's a television mounted from the ceiling a large uncovered window takes up most of the wall the view out the window Extends for a good half mile of open land as it looks out onto Maine East High School soccer field Teenage kids with hats and winter coats full of life and energy run around there We continue our walk down the hallway and pass another room with an open curtain yet this time Someone's in there getting treated now the image shifts from cozy corner at grandma's house to a Salvador Dali painting The setting is still snug and welcoming But the older gentleman getting treatment creates an irrational juxtaposition of images He sits in the recliner with a blank expression on his face His left arm extended facing up on the chair a needle sticks in the crease of his elbow There a small tube snakes upward leading to a plastic bag filled with clear liquid he has a placid demeanor as If the substance he's receiving is pure value his gaze focuses on nothing And although I'm staring right at him We don't make eye contact.
I Feel bad for looking but he left his curtain open and I'm trying to piece together what's going on in my life right now as We continue walking. I see more occupied rooms with open curtains Sometimes spouses friends supporters occupy the chairs next to the recliner They're pretending to read or watch TV But as soon as you come into their view Their eyes latch on to you They're like a lifer in prison checking out the newest fish They stare trying to assess the same thing I've been trying to assess How sick is my loved one compared to the others here But after one glance of a young healthy-looking Lisa, they turn their eyes away disappointed as if to say Yeah, false alarm just someone coming to visit grandma or grandpa But give it a few months When we make this walk with Lisa's bald head and pregnant belly My guess is those heads will no longer turn away but stare unapologetically we get to our room and Lisa sighs as she sits in the chair and gives me a wordless smile a Young nurse with a chipper disposition and a tray filled with instruments comes in She does her best to make it seem like Lisa's in for an ordinary doctor's appointment She's a fast talker who asks a lot of questions, but doesn't allow Lisa to answer before the next one is asked The nurse inserts the needle She misses twice Unable to get any blood to draw She politely curses as she digs deeper with the needle Yet still comes up empty Lisa winces with every jab It says nothing The nurse apologizes again is honest with us and says she's not the best at this and goes to get another nurse She seems thrown by Lisa's age a more experienced nurse comes in and sticks Lisa for the third time Blood rushes through the tube She asks Lisa.
She would like a port inserted to avoid being stuck with a needle with every visit Lisa gives an emphatic no The nurse says okay, and then apologizes for the rough start Lisa shoots me a look I shrugged my shoulders Lisa then closes her eyes And allows the chemo treatment to enter her body I sit back in the chair and settle in But then I noticed something So I get up walk over and close the curtain You November 10th Haley croak My oldest daughter Haley, and I are driving back from Gilda's Club Every Saturday morning.
There's an art therapy session for kids who parents have cancer Jean Wilder Aka Willy Wonka the OG Willy Wonka by the way founded the club in memory of his wife Gilda Radner a Comedic actress and former Saturday Night Live player who died from cancer I've been taking Haley who is seven for a few weeks now. It's helped give her an understanding of the sickness without scaring her My two-year-old Kelly is too young to comprehend what is happening to her mom So I haven't brought her to the club yet We're almost home when I see Hollywood hot dog coming up on the left Seems like the perfect lunch for a brutal winter day We exit the car and hurry towards the front door to escape the biting Chicago air It's crowded inside The small old building is warm with the smell of hot dogs beef sandwiches and gyros Inside it seems like summer We pick a booth by a steamed-up window in the back.
I place her lunch in front of her Haley scrunches her seven-year-old hands into little fists and shakes them in excitement She's still at that great age or a hot dog and lemonade are as exciting as going to Disneyland. I Sit across from her eating my beef sandwich And I gaze out the window to across the street. I Watch as the winter wind tries its best to blow the car dealership banner free from its ties My thoughts drift to wondering how long the winter are we in for? Dad mom could die right Haley blurts out between bites of her hot dog.
I almost choke I've been avoiding addressing this topic but now Haley nonchalantly asks me with a mouthful of hot dog if her mom could die Yes She could die Haley, she's very sick, but we're gonna do everything we can Haley takes another bite and then bends her head to drink her lemonade. That's on the table There's no lid and the straws on the wrong side of the cup But instead of moving the straw or picking up the cup she stretches her neck like a giraffe to the far side to take a sip Right.
She probably won't die, but she could Correct I say Are these short answers making things worse? Should I be saying that mom probably won't die, but we need to help her with her sickness Or say she might die, but we hope she doesn't or should I leave it as is and not say anything This conversation could not be going any slower yet. It's moving at lightning speed If she dies can Christina be my new mommy? Haley says in the same tone as if asking for a cookie Christina is her support group leader at Gilda's Club I Doesn't really work like that.
I answer I answer I'm taking it back how quickly Haley is recruiting potential replacements for Lisa But then I try to put myself in her shoes and think like a seven-year-old Why shouldn't she believe this? Aren't we all built with self-preservation? Seven-year-old needs are basic if mom dies who will be my new mom and If I'm thinking like a seven-year-old wouldn't I get a choice and who that new mom would be Christina will of course help you with your feelings right now But you wouldn't have a new mom.
I would take care of you girls But even if mom does die can we still go to Gilda's Club of Course yes, you can go there once a member always a member What if mom doesn't die can we still go I? nod Still a member you can go from now on no matter what? Cool boy with mom being sick. I'm sure gonna have a lot of playdates She says with a nervous laugh I'm fascinated with this line of questioning I Wait a few minutes to see if she has anything else to say Haley puts down her hot dog Dad We don't want mom to die right I Don't like seeing my kid facing such complex questions at seven I Hate that she's trying to figure out these complicated hypotheticals She's just a kid.
We're eating hot dogs Shouldn't our conversation be hey dad, which do you think are prettier yellow butterflies or red ladybugs? Her train of thought from increased playdates to we don't want mom to die I Worry Haley might think because fun things will happen to her if mom dies She would somehow She would somehow feel guilty for her death So I address a concern she didn't ask about Right so Haley We absolutely do not want mom to die We very much want her to get better from the sickness However listen to me.
This is very important if Mom does die It will be extremely sad for all of us But it won't be as bad as she's feeling right now But it won't be any of our faults nothing we think or say can change the course of what is happening to mom and It won't be because we didn't pray enough or wish hard enough. It will never be any of our faults I Wait for a response She just nods picks up her hot dog and takes a big bite Looks like this is going to be a game of patience Because as I watch Haley unsuccessfully trying to get the ketchup off her chin by using her tongue I Realize today is not the day.
She will grasp all that could lie ahead November 16th a cut above the rest I Haley stares at Lisa with a mixture of excitement and nervousness There's a towel around Lisa's neck There are scissors in Haley's hand Sue Lisa's friend from New York who is staying with us sits at the kitchen counter as a spectator Kelly is scooting around the kitchen floor. Just just happy to be around people myself I Stand a few feet away with a video camera I'm not sure this is appropriate to record, but the moment cries out to be documented So can I start cutting? Haley asks no one in particular Lisa speaks up cut away young Haley But what if I make a mistake? The three adults in the room all understand that when the final objective is to cut off all the hair there can't be a mistake Don't you worry about making mistakes Haley Lisa assures her okay Haley.
I'm ready Haley grabs a tuft of hair She pulls it straight up Opens the scissors Surrounds her target looks at me cuts Screams and then holds up the hair like she caught a fish I Did it did I do it? We encourage her to keep going It's common practice for those going through chemo to give themselves buzz cuts It can be less emotional than waking up every morning with clumps of hair on your pillow but Lisa had a different idea I I Don't want to be that person in the shower crying as I cut off all my hair Plus, I don't want to scare the girls by suddenly looking so different.
I Want Haley to cut it off? and Haley's doing a good job Now that she's over the fear that she may mess it up She's hit her stride as soon as one clump is gone. She goes right for the next Haley's getting so comfortable She starts supplying us with observations of Lisa's new look Just think how fast you'll be able to get ready in the morning Mom, I bet people will now come up to you and rub your head for good luck This will make me the one with the most hair in the house When it's done Lisa gets up removes the towel and Heads to the bathroom stepping over the piles of hair on the floor Haley looks at me.
I rub her head and look at Sue while raising my eyebrows I'm prepared for Lisa to be in there a good 10 minutes to compose herself But it takes less than one for her to come out I Like it. I really like it. This isn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be Yay Haley exclaims You know Lisa I Say I actually don't think that's a bad look for you. You look badass Lisa walks over and gives Haley a big hug Thanks for helping me through this Haley Him for the laughs You did a wonderful job January 7th, ta-da Lisa Lisa's mom Dina and Dina's sister Sally The three of them don't see me standing 20 feet away, and I'm watching their little meeting that's taking place at the kitchen counter That counter is the heart of the Dina Ashkenaz house Visitors to the household find themselves drawn there to sit talk smoke read and eat It's the only part of the house Which if it could speak Could tell the entire story of all who lived there Three women now take up residence around it in earnest conversation a Manila envelope lies on the counter with x-ray photos sticking out Dina has one of the photos in her hand and is holding it to the light pointing to a specific detail Lisa and Sally follow along See over here Dina says you can see where it's starting to grow Lisa and Sally give a collective.
Oh, yeah Dina pulls the next photo from the envelope from the looks of things from the look of things It seems that the 60 year old Dina is pregnant and is showing everyone the ultrasound Yet, I know Dina isn't pregnant for all sorts of reasons. I know Dina isn't pregnant. I Also know she went to the doctor's office because she's been feeling dizzy I Walked towards the viewing party and the first one to notice me is Sally She's stocky five foot two and has grayish hair She holds various manual labor jobs.
She's tough She always favors a different part of her body when she walks to allow the other side to heal It's a brain tumor She tells me The delivery of the news is jarring, but that's how Sally works when there's news to give Dina and Lisa both turn to see who Sally's talking to Dina with an x-ray in her hand Holds it up for me to see Ta-da She says followed by a forced laugh if that laugh continued, I'm sure it would end in tears Lisa frowns at me switching again to silent communication.
I Say the obligatory Wait, what while trying to take in the news as I'm legitimately confused No one is crying No one is hugging no one is cursing The three of them might as well be picking up carpeting for the living room Well now I question if I even heard it, right? It reminds me of the day. I told my mom Lisa had breast cancer That day my mom pulled up in our driveway to drop off the kids.
I Told the girls to go inside so I could talk to her Hey, mom, I have some very bad news Lisa has breast cancer. Oh That's terrible That poor woman first colon and now breast cancer Can't she catch a break? No, mom. Lisa has breast cancer. I Heard you now. She has breast cancer mom not Dina Lisa Lisa why do you keep saying Lisa? You mean Dina has breast cancer? Lisa my wife has breast cancer. Oh my god So to make sure my hearing isn't playing tricks on me I Take the picture from Dina and look at the ultrasound image.
I can see someone drew a small blue circle Inside the circle is where the tumor is growing. I Get the same kind of pit in my stomach as I would seeing a kid running at full speed and For Dina and Lisa There's emotional pain. They're both about to endure Lisa pained as any child would be watching a parent get sick Then Dina Watching her daughter battle this illness and I know Dina also feels responsible Lisa's recent genetic testing came back with a bracket to gene mutation And it's not like they can consult each other and then go back to their separate homes to take a break They live together two women mother and daughter each battling cancer All while living under one roof Lisa's mother and daughter are both battling cancer Lisa's mother and daughter are both battling cancer Battling cancer all while living under one roof all under one roof Dina tells me she needs surgery, but the doctor said it should be relatively straightforward This is a woman who is finally in remission from her colon cancer Someone who not too long ago had trouble walking from her bedroom to the bathroom Yet recently has started walking enough to take Haley to the mall That was a big deal her walking around a mall after months of surgeries and rehab Making significant progress and getting back to her life and Now she's telling me she has a tumor on her brain But not to worry.
There's an easy surgery to fix it Why do I have a feeling none of this is going to be easy You January 10th Playdate Dad dad you're home guess what? Haley says greeting me as I walk in the door from work. I Try to take off my coat, but Haley is all over me and I can't seem to get my arms out of the sleeves fast enough Wow This must be some news. I say Yeah Nana told me that it's a girl in mommy's stomach and her name is Molly.
We're having a girl. It's a girl Haley jumps with every sentence. Oh Wow you're gonna have three daughters, or are you even gonna be more outnumbered than you are now? Hey, this means she can sleep in our bedroom all three girls in one bedroom. I can't wait to tell everyone I Look past my jumping daughter down the stairs and into the kitchen. I see Dina leaning against the counter She gives me a I'm sorry shrug But I'm pissed Look, I know Dina's on medication.
She has a freaking tumor on her brain There's surgery soon, but we told her not to share the name with anyone until the baby was born especially Haley Now this is all Haley will be talking about Even if I threw away all the dolls in the house Haley would still pick up a pencil Put a napkin around the middle pretend it was her baby sister and call it Molly Haley jumps up and down in front of me like she's got an invisible jump rope I lean down and take a hold of her shoulders to keep her in place but all that jumping energy gets rerouted right to her head a Big smile explodes causing her chocolate brown eyes to widen Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Okay. Now, wait a second Haley. I say first of all, this is a private matter We still may have three months to go and we simply can't be telling people. It's a girl named Molly But why? We know it's a girl and we know the name is gonna be Molly. I Let go of her shoulders and the jumping doesn't start again. I Explained to Haley that the baby may be born early which may cause complications What does that mean complications will Molly have to stay in the hospital longer she asks Yes, Haley longer and to be honest There's a chance I'm about to get real with Haley But I pause I Can't do this.
I won't do this I can't do this. I won't do this I don't want to have this talk with her now If the baby doesn't make it I'll deal with Haley then Mean heck she'll be sad anyway, so it's not like I can avoid all sorrow. I Know the theory is that the more you inform them the more equipped they'll be But Haley is radiant right now if you were to turn off all the lights her face would illuminate the entire house heck the entire block I Decide to let her have her moment.
Let her be a kid There's a chance what dad she asks again There's a chance we would ruin the surprise For all the others when she's born and we want to keep this as a fun surprise, don't we? Can you do that for me? Haley looks down the hall at Dina then turns back to me and leans in with her hand cupped to the side of her mouth Sure, but I get to say her name right because I'm in on the surprise.
I Want to say no, let's not say her name You can say her name Haley yes, you're in on the surprise Molly Molly Molly Molly I'm gonna be a big sister to two girls ones Molly Molly Molly She bounces down the steps and through the hall with leaps that would make Tigger jealous. Oh Boy, they're gonna have a lot to learn she says I Think she's talking to me, but she's now three jumps in two rooms from where I'm standing She turns on a dime and runs back up the stairs Hey How about we put her bed right next to mine That way you and mom can get some sleep and I can keep an eye on her for you You know babies like to get up in the middle of night.
Oh Dad, are we gonna be a handful? Do you remember when I was a baby? I used to wake you up in the middle of the night asking for yogurt and you would get up Haley continues to talk. I Focus on her mouth moving a mile a minute and her eyes looking everywhere as if she's creating the reality of Molly around her Look I know I'm overthinking this I'm not even mad at Dina I'm sure I'm projecting my fears on to Haley Could it be that I'm the one who's trying not to make the baby tangible Yeah, well the fact that I keep thinking baby and not her name is a good clue that I'm probably building walls and I just now said her name instead of Molly I'm watching Haley as happy as she can be right now What I would give to be that happy I simply don't have it in me to match her happiness January 13th, I got this It's late at night I sit in bed pretending to read but I'm actually watching Lisa pace She's developed this syndrome following the most recent chemo treatments She can't sit still for more than 20 minutes and It's affecting her sleep.
She's now sleeping less than three hours a night her body is holding her hostage and It won't let her stop moving When Lisa told her OBGYN The doctor didn't know what was wrong She gave her some Ambien, but that didn't work Lisa then made an appointment with her oncologist Pam Benton Who said the pacing is not a side effect of the chemo? Lisa I think the problem is you're just going through too much stress You're just going through too much stress You should make an appointment with a psychiatrist Not the prognosis Lisa wanted to hear and Believe you me Lisa had a lot to say about that in the car ride home after the appointment It's not in my head Matt I Know myself, and yes, I have a lot of stress right now, but this isn't mental Something is not right with my body and it can't be a coincidence that this happened right after my latest round of chemo I Countered trying to have Lisa see the doctor's point of view No, I know, but do you think that maybe you should try and make an appointment just to see if it helps? Wrong call Lisa whipped her head around toward me and narrowed her eyes and Tell the psychiatrist what hi I'm dying of cancer and pregnant.
Can you tell me what my emotional issues may be? She threw her hands up and discussed You know what fine. I'll make an appointment, but I'm telling you something is not right That was sad Lisa I Don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do I Don't know what to do
