Smoked Elvis

A cab driver in Grovers Mill, New Jersey, encounters a UFO while on a smoke break. A being resembling a Kewpie doll emerges from the craft and asks to be taken to the leader. The cab driver agrees after receiving a large sum of money. They go to a local bar where the being is named Elvis. As the cab driver enters the bar, Elvis accidentally causes water from the ceiling to fall, surprising everyone. I had just stopped for a smoke break when the UFO landed. It had been a slow night driving a cab in Grovers Mill, New Jersey, and the fog had settled over a lonely meadow. It was a perfect place for some peace until the streak of light appeared. The craft settled silently as it landed, so quietly that the local dogs didn't make a sound. I stood there a bit stunned when an opening appeared in the dark, semi-smoldering craft. From it drifted a being that looked like a Kewpie doll encased in a six-foot-high jellyfish. Rubbing my eyes, looking, and rubbing them again, I tried to visually decipher what the hell I was looking at. When it was close to me, I felt an unnatural calmness. I should have been going into fight-or-flight mode. My brain was telling me to do just that, but my body was serene. It was kind of soothing and enjoyable, like a superb indica in a glass of calming red wine. There was a trail of slime from where it had traversed the meadow to the side of the road where I was standing. I looked at it, and it at me. After a bit, the Kewpie jellyfish said in a weird accent, Take me to your leader. Not knowing how fast news traveled in space, I asked it, Which one? The tiny-handed vulgar talking yam, or the dementia-addled sundowning turnip? He looked at me as confused as the normal follower of politics, and said, I don't know. Whomever is in charge at this moment, stop asking questions and make haste. Me being a cab driver for profit only, I said to the Kewpie jellyfish that in order for me to take him or her anywhere, I needed to be compensated. Just after saying that, I received a text saying that $11,000 had been deposited in my account. That should take care of the space goo that's being leaked all over the backseat. We're going to get along just fine, I said. All right, then. Take me to your leader. Since the Kewpie jellyfish wasn't specific about who my leader was, I took him to Murray's. That was the local watering hole. If anyone needed something, Murray knew where to get it. It was going to take a few minutes to get there, so I made some small talk. What do you need to tell my leader? Why have you come here? I asked. I bring the answer to all problems of the universe. My species is much older than yours. We've conquered all that humans will face in your future. They have sent me here to make contact. Humans will now be able to achieve all sooner than your evolution will provide. The Earth will now join the Federation Council of your bleep, an era of universal harmony is nigh. That sounds nice. We're almost to Murray's. Sit tight. I will not sit loosely. We both laughed at that bit of intergalactic tomfoolery. That was refreshing. As we approached Murray's, I told my new intergalactic joking cohort that I was going to go in first and let everybody in the place know that someone different would come in. I greased the rails a bit and prepared the locals. Some of them didn't take well the strangers, and considering a six-foot-tall cupid jellyfish hybrid would be the most unique character they've ever seen, I felt we shouldn't take any chances. A name needed to be affixed to help defuse any confusion. Something familiar to Murray's patrons. Let's call you Elvis. Is that okay? I asked. Yes, indubitably. That is a name that has been applied to your whole species from where I come from. We all thought you were called Elvis. To be given that name refers to me as a king. Fantastic idea. Tell your people I am Elvis. That settled. I pulled up to Murray's. There weren't that many cars in the lot, but I recognized a couple of pickup trucks belonging to friends of mine. They said they had seen UFOs before. Meeting Elvis would be interesting to watch. Okay, Elvis, you wait here. I'll be back to bring you in. Are you sure I shouldn't go in with you and announce myself with authority? They have trained me that your species respects that. They will sense that I am of goodwill, and I have many ways of improving the future most positively. There have been many durations of what you call time to be here at this moment. Nope, let me handle this. We have to approach this slowly and gently as possible. Believe me, they're gonna flip out, but in a good way, I said. We agreed, and I stepped out of the cab and went into Murray's. I opened the door, and the jukebox wasn't playing. I stopped and looked for a song to play as Elvis was making his appearance. There were no actual Elvis songs, but since this was New Jersey, Springsteen would do. I nodded to the two guys that I knew. They were playing pool in the back. Murray was behind the bar and gave me a smile, just as he was asking if I wanted the usual. A cool breeze blew in from behind me. Greetings to you. I bring good news from... I turned to see the splash, and the drops from the ceiling fall to a puddle on the floor. What the hell was that? a voice exclaimed from somewhere. Murray was standing behind the bar, still holding the smoking, sawed-up, double-barrel shotgun. He looked at me with a look that was a mixture of shock and glee. Elvis had wet the building.