Negotiation Podcast

The Thomas Killman Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI) is a tool that helps navigate conflicts and understand different conflict styles. The five conflict modes are competing, collaborating, compromising, avoiding, and accommodating. Competing is high assertiveness and low cooperativeness, useful in emergencies. Collaborating is high on both assertiveness and cooperativeness, finding win-win solutions. Compromising is meeting in the middle, useful when a quick decision is needed. Avoiding is low on both assertiveness and cooperativeness, good for cooling down. Accommodating is low assertiveness and high cooperativeness, putting others' needs first. The choice of conflict mode depends on the situation and the importance of the relationship. Okay, so, have you ever been in a disagreement and just thought, ugh, not this again? Oh, absolutely. Yeah. It's one of those things, you know it happens. Right, like whether it's at work or with family or even just trying to decide what to eat, sometimes you just think, can't we all just get along? You're so right. It's woven into the fabric of just being human, really. Yeah, exactly. But what if I told you there was a way to make those clashes less, well, clashy? What if we could actually navigate them skillfully instead of just feeling like we're drowning? Well, there's a tool for that, actually. It's called the Thomas Killman Conflict Mode Instrument, or TKI for short. The TKI? That sounds kinda, I don't know, intense. Is it like a personality test or something? It's not about putting you in a box or anything. Like, it's not gonna tell you you're destined to be argumentative. It's more about understanding your natural instincts when conflict pops up. Okay, so it's more like a guide to how we handle those tricky situations. Yeah, exactly. It helps you see the pros and cons of different approaches. So you can choose what works best, depending on what's going on. All right, I'm intrigued. So how does this TKI thing work? Where do we even start? Well, the TKI is built on two main ideas, assertiveness and cooperativeness. Think of it like a graph. A graph, okay, I'm picturing it. Assertiveness is about how much you stick to your own guns in a conflict, how much you push for what you want. So if I'm like super assertive, I'm basically saying it's my way or the highway. Hmm, yeah, it could look like that. But the other side of that is cooperativeness. Cooperativeness, so like how much you're thinking about the other person's needs. Exactly, it's about finding that balance between pushing for your own goals, but also considering what the other person wants. Okay, so it's not about being me, me, me all the time. It's more nuanced than that. Exactly, and this is where the five conflict modes come into play. Wait, five? I thought it was just fight or flight. This is getting interesting. Lay it on me. What's the first one? So the first one is competing, and that's where you've got high assertiveness, but low cooperativeness. So back to my way or the highway scenario. Yeah, it can be like that, especially when a decision has to be made fast. Right, like if someone's about to, I don't know, walk into traffic or something, you don't have time to have a polite discussion. Exactly. Competing can be useful in emergencies or when there's no room for compromise. Okay, so competing has its uses, but if you're always in that mode, wouldn't you end up alienating everyone around you? It can definitely put a strain on relationships if it's your default setting. Speaking of competing, you're never gonna believe this, but remember that time I told you about almost getting into an argument over a parking spot? Oh yeah, the infamous parking lot showdown. What happened again? Well, I was running late, feeling stressed, and I saw this open spot, and honestly, it was like my brain just went, mine. Felt like you were in full-on competing mode. Oh, totally, and you know what? I actually ended up getting the spot, but I felt kind of bad afterward. Was it really worth potentially ruining someone else's day? That's the thing about competing. Even if you win, sometimes you lose in other ways. Yeah, good point. Okay, so competing is a tool in the toolbox, but not one to overuse. What about collaborating? That sounds way less stressful. Collaborating is the opposite end of the spectrum. High assertiveness, A&AD, high cooperativeness. You and the other person work together to find a solution that works for both of you. So it's not winner takes all. It's more like win-win. Exactly, and sometimes it leads to creative solutions you never would have thought of on your own. But let's be real. Is it always possible to collaborate, even when things get heated? That's a great question, and it gets to the heart of why understanding these different styles is so important, because sometimes collaboration just isn't realistic. So collaborating is a good goal, but it might not always be in the cards. All right, what's next on our conflict resolution journey? Well, next up we have compromising, which falls right in the middle of assertiveness and cooperativeness. So like meeting in the middle. Exactly. You're each willing to give a little to reach an agreement. Think of it like splitting chores or deciding what to watch on TV. Right, I can see how that would be useful, but isn't there a danger of always just settling? Like maybe neither person gets what they really want. That's a valid concern. Sometimes compromising doesn't actually address the root of the problem. So it's like putting a Band-Aid on a broken bone. Hmm, okay, that makes sense. What about avoiding? Is that ever a good idea? Avoiding is interesting. It's low on both assertiveness and cooperativeness. It could be a good strategy when you need to hit pause on a conversation, or you just need time to cool down. Oh yeah, sometimes I just need to walk away for a bit before I say something I regret. Exactly. But if you're always avoiding conflict, those unresolved issues can build up and cause even bigger problems down the road. Right, I guess it's all about balance. I'm curious, listeners, have you ever completely avoided a conflict? Did it work out? Anyway, we've got one more mode to talk about, right? Accommodating, what's that all about? So accommodating is low assertiveness and high cooperativeness. Basically, you're putting the other person's needs first, even if it means putting your own aside. So is that always a bad thing? Like is it just about being a pushover? Not at all. Sometimes it's a strategic choice. Like if you realize you were wrong, or if the issue just isn't that important to you. Right, sometimes keeping the peace is more important than winning an argument. Absolutely, and accommodating can actually strengthen relationships in the long run. This TKI thing is really eye-opening. I'm starting to see how all these different approaches can be useful depending on the situation. That's the whole point. It's not about picking one mode and sticking with it. It's about having a whole range of tools at your disposal. Okay, so we've covered the basics, but I feel like there's still so much to unpack. We've only just scratched the surface. Welcome back to our deep dive into conflict. So we've got these five modes, competing, collaborating, compromising, avoiding, and accommodating. But it can't be as simple as just picking one and sticking with it, right? You're right. There's no best mode for every situation. It's all about choosing the right approach based on, well, what's happening. Okay, makes sense. But how do we know which one to use? It seems like there are a lot of things to consider. Definitely. You gotta think about what's at stake. How important is it for you to get your way? And how important is the relationship with the other person? So sometimes it's better to just let things slide to keep the peace. Exactly. Sometimes the relationship matters more. And sometimes a quick decision needs to be made, even if it's not perfect. Could we go through some examples? When would each style actually be the best choice? Sure, let's start with competing. Remember, it's all about high assertiveness, but low on the cooperation side. Right, my way or the highway. So when would that ever be the best way to go? Well, think about emergencies. Like if you see someone about to, I don't know, step in front of a bus, you gotta take charge, right? Yeah, you can't exactly have a calm discussion about traffic safety at a time like that. Exactly. Or think about times when you have to stand up for something you believe in, even if it's not popular. So competing isn't always about being aggressive. Sometimes it's about having the courage to do the right thing. Okay, I get it. What about collaborating? When's that the best approach? Collaborating is great for those complex situations when you need to find a solution that really works for everyone. Like when you're planning a trip with someone who has totally different tastes than you. Exactly. You're both assertive, you both have your own ideas, but you're also willing to listen and work together to find something you both love. So it takes more effort, but the payoff can be huge. What about compromising? When's meeting in the middle the best strategy? Compromising is all about speed and practicality. When you need a decision fast and everyone's willing to give a little. Like figuring out who gets which room in a shared apartment. Perfect example. You get something you want, they get something they want, and everyone avoids a big fight. Okay, compromising. The art of peaceful coexistence. Now avoiding, that one still seems a little, I don't know, cowardly. When would it ever be the right move to walk away? Avoiding isn't about being a coward. It's about picking your battles. Sometimes you need to take a break before things escalate. Like when you feel yourself getting really angry and you know you're gonna say something you'll regret. Exactly. Step away, cool down, and come back when you can talk calmly and rationally. So it's like hitting the pause button on the argument. Not giving up, just giving yourself time to think. Okay, that makes more sense. What about when it's the other person who's doing the avoiding? How do you deal with that? That can be tricky. It might help to approach them in a way that feels safe. You know, not like you're attacking them. So instead of saying, we need to talk, maybe try something like, hey, I notice we're not on the same page here. Can we chat about it when you have a minute? Exactly, frame it as a collaboration, not a confrontation. Okay, last but not least, accommodating. When does it make sense to put someone else's needs before your own? Yeah, isn't that just letting people walk all over you? Not necessarily. Sometimes accommodating is a way to show empathy and build trust. Like when someone's going through a tough time and they need a little extra support. Exactly. You might need to be flexible with deadlines or offer to help them out. It's about being a good teammate, a good friend. Okay, this is making a lot more sense now. It's not about labeling ourselves as one type or another. It's about understanding all these different tools and when to use them. Exactly, and the key is being flexible, knowing when to shift gears depending on the situation. And there's one more thing that's absolutely crucial for any of these styles to work. Oh, I'm all ears, what is it? Communication, and not just the please and thank you kind of communication. Talking about really listening, understanding where the other person's coming from. This is where it gets interesting, I have a feeling. Tell me more. Welcome back to the Deep Dive. We've been talking all about conflict styles and how to use the TKI to choose the best approach depending on what's happening. Right, and we've talked about resolving conflict. But what about preventing it in the first place? Hold on, preventing conflict. I thought we were all about learning how to handle those tough conversations. We are, but it's not about avoiding conflict altogether because as we've seen, it's just a natural part of life. We're not trying to become conflict hermits or anything. Exactly, but by understanding the TKI, we can actually see those conflicts coming and maybe even hit them off at the pass. So it's like we've got this conflict radar now sensing trouble before it hits. I like that analogy. So let's say you tend to jump into competing mode when you're feeling stressed. Oh yeah, that's me for sure. Deadlines and I are not exactly best friends. Well, knowing that, you can take a step back and say, okay, I need to chill out, maybe try a different approach this time. So self-awareness is key, but what about the other person? How can we anticipate their reactions and prevent a conflict before it even starts? That's where observation and communication come in. You're really paying attention to how the people around you typically deal with disagreements. It's like learning their conflict language, right? Once you know how they're likely to respond, you can kind of adjust your own approach. Exactly, so if you're dealing with someone who's more of an avoider, you're not gonna ambush them with a surprise meeting. Right, that would probably send them running for the hills. You'd give them plenty of notice, maybe even send an agenda ahead of time so they can prepare. Okay, so it's about respecting their need for space and predictability. What about someone who's more of an accommodator? How would you approach them? With accommodators, you might need to be a little more proactive about asking for their input because they might not be comfortable speaking up on their own. So you're kind of creating a safe space for them to share their thoughts and feelings, even if they're not naturally assertive. Exactly, it's all about building trust and mutual respect. This is amazing. I'm starting to see how the TKI isn't just about winning arguments, it's about building stronger, healthier relationships overall. That's the beauty of it. It's about creating a culture of understanding where everyone feels heard and respected. Well, we've covered a lot of ground in this deep dive into the TKI. We've explored the five styles, figured out how to choose the best approach for each situation, and even learned how to prevent conflicts from popping up in the first place. It's been quite a journey, but remember, the key to mastering these skills is practice. So listeners, I challenge you to take what you've learned today and put it into action. Pay attention to your own conflict style, observe the styles of the people around you, and start using this knowledge to transform the way you handle disagreements. Seeing conflict as something to be feared, we can see it as an opportunity for growth, a chance to connect more deeply with the people around us. That's an amazing thought to leave us with. Thank you so much for joining us for this deep dive into the world of conflict. And until next time, keep those communication skills sharp.