Percy Jackson & The Lightning Thief

The narrator, Percy Jackson, warns readers not to read the book if they think they might be a half-blood. He describes the dangers and risks of being a half-blood and advises them to lead a normal life. Percy recounts his experiences during a field trip to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, where he is constantly getting into trouble. His Latin teacher, Mr. Brunner, leads the tour and teaches them about Greek mythology. Percy gets into an argument with a classmate, Nancy Boba Fett, and Mr. Brunner questions him about the importance of their studies. Percy feels the pressure to excel despite his dyslexia and ADHD. The chapter ends with a storm brewing overhead. Look, I didn't want to be a half-blood. If you're reading this because you think you might be one, my advice is, close this book right now. Believe whatever lie your mom or dad told you about your birth and try to lead a normal life. Being a half-blood is dangerous, it's scary, most of the time it gets you killed in painful, nasty ways. If you're a normal kid, reading this because you think it's fiction, great! Read on. I envy you for being able to believe that none of this ever happened. But if you recognize yourself in these pages, if you feel something stirring inside, stop reading immediately. You might be one of us, and once you know that, it's only a matter of time before they sense it too. And they'll come for you. Don't say I didn't warn you. My name is Percy Jackson. I'm 12 years old, and until a few months ago, I was a boarding student at Yancey Academy, a private school for troubled kids in upstate New York. Am I a troubled kid? Yeah, you could say that. I could start at any point in my short, miserable life to prove it, but things really started going bad last May, when our 6th grade class took a field trip to Manhattan, 28 mental case kids and two teachers on a yellow school bus, heading to the Metropolitan Museum of Art to look at ancient Greek and Roman stuff. I know, it sounds like torture. Most Yancey field trips were. But Mr. Brunner, our Latin teacher, was leading this trip, so I had hopes. Mr. Brunner was this middle-aged guy in a motorized wheelchair. He had thinning hair and a scruffy beard and a frayed tweed jacket, which always smelled like coffee. You wouldn't think he'd be cool, but he told stories and jokes and let us play games in class. He also had this awesome collection of Roman armor and weapons, so he was the only teacher whose class didn't put me to sleep. I hoped the trip would be okay. At least, I hoped that for once I wouldn't get in trouble. Boy, was I wrong. See, bad things happen to me on field trips. Like at my 5th grade school, when we went to Saratoga Battlefield, I had this accident with a Revolutionary War cannon. I wasn't aiming for the school bus, but of course, I got expelled anyway. And before that, at my 4th grade school, when we took a behind-the-scenes tour of the Marine World Shark Pool, I sort of hit the wrong lever on the catwalk and our class took an unplanned swim. And the time before that, well, you get the idea. This trip, I was determined to be good. All the way into the city, I put up with Nancy Boba Fett, the freckly red-headed kleptomaniac girl, hitting my best friend Grover in the back of the head with chunks of peanut butter and ketchup sandwich. Grover was an easy target. He was scrawny. He cried when he got frustrated. He must have been held back several grades because he was the only 6th grader with acne and the start of a wispy beard on his chin. On top of all of that, he was crippled. He had a note excusing him from P.E. for the rest of his life because he had some kind of muscular disease in his legs. He walked funny, like every step hurt him, but don't let that fool you. You should have seen him run when it was enchilada day in the cafeteria. Anyway, Nancy Boba Fett was throwing wads of sandwich that stuck in his curly brown hair, and she knew I couldn't do anything back to her because I was already on probation. The headmaster had threatened me with death by in-school suspension if anything bad, embarrassing, or even mildly entertaining happened on this trip. I'm going to kill her, I mumbled. Grover tried to calm me down. It's okay. I like peanut butter. He dodged another piece of Nancy's lunch. That's it. I started to get up, but Grover pulled me back into my seat. You're already on probation, he reminded me. You know who'll get blamed if anything happens. Looking back on it, I wish I'd decked Nancy Boba Fett right then and there. In-school suspension would have been nothing compared to the mess I was about to get myself into. Mr. Brunner led the museum tour. He rode up front in his wheelchair, guiding us through the big echoey galleries, past marble statues and glass cases full of really old black and orange pottery. It blew my mind that this stuff had survived for two thousand, three thousand years. He gathered us around a thirteen-foot-tall stone column with a big sphinx on top, and started telling us about how it was a grave marker, a stele, for a girl around our age. He told us about the carvings on the sides, and I was trying to listen to what he had to say, because it was kind of interesting, but everyone around me was talking, and every time I told them to shut up, the other teacher chaperone, Mrs. Dodds, would give me the evil eye. Mrs. Dodds was this little math teacher from Georgia who always wore a black leather jacket even though she was fifty years old. She looked mean enough to ride a Harley right into your locker. She had come to Yancey halfway through the year, when our last math teacher had a nervous breakdown. From her first day, Mrs. Dodds loved Nancy Boba Fett, and figured I was devil spawn. She would point her crooked finger at me and say, now honey, real sweet, and I knew I was going to get after-school detention for a month. One time, after she'd made me erase answers out of old math workbooks until midnight, I told Grover I didn't think Mrs. Dodds was human. He looked at me real serious and said, you're absolutely right. Mr. Brunner kept talking about Greek funeral art. Finally, Nancy Boba Fett snickered something about the naked guy on the stele, and I turned around and said, will you shut up? It came out louder than I meant it to. The whole group laughed. Mr. Brunner stopped his story. Mr. Jackson, he said. Did you have a comment? My face was totally red. I said, no, sir. Mr. Brunner pointed to one of the pictures on the stele. Perhaps you'll tell us what this picture represents. I looked at the carving and felt a flush of relief, because I actually recognized it. That's Kronos eating his kids, right? Yes, Mr. Brunner said, obviously not satisfied. And he did this because, well, I racked my brain to remember. Kronos was the king god and god, Mr. Brunner asked. Titan, I corrected myself. And he didn't trust his kids, who were the gods. So Kronos ate them, right? But his wife hid baby Zeus and gave Kronos a rock to eat instead. And later, when Zeus grew up, he tricked his dad, Kronos, into barfing up his brothers and sisters. Ew, said one of the girls behind me. And so there was this big fight between the gods and the titans, I continued, and the gods won. Some Snickers from the group. Behind me, Nancy Boba Fett mumbled to a friend, like we're going to use this in real life, like it's going to say on our job applications, please explain why Kronos ate his kids. And why, Mr. Jackson, Brunner said. To paraphrase Ms. Boba Fett's excellent question, does this matter in real life? Busted, Grover muttered. Shut up, Nancy hissed, her face even brighter red than her hair. At least Nancy got packed, too. Mr. Brunner was the only one who ever caught her saying anything wrong. He had radar ears. I thought about his question and shrugged. I don't know, sir. I see, Mr. Brunner looked disappointed. Well, half credit, Mr. Jackson, Zeus did indeed feed Kronos a mixture of mustard and wine, which made him disgorge his other five children, who, of course, being immortal gods, had been living and growing up completely undigested in the titan's stomach. The gods defeated their father, sliced him to pieces with his own scythe, and scattered his remains in Tartarus, the darkest part of the underworld. On that happy note, it's time for lunch. Mrs. Dodds, would you lead us back outside? The class drifted off, the girls holding their stomachs, the guys pushing each other around and acting like doofuses. Grover and I were about to follow when Mr. Brunner said, Mr. Jackson. I knew that was coming. I told Grover to keep going, then I turned towards Mr. Brunner. Sir? Mr. Brunner had this look that wouldn't let you go, intense brown eyes that could have been a thousand years old and had seen everything. You must learn the answer to my question, Mr. Brunner told me. About the titans? About real life, and how your studies apply to it. Oh. What you learn from me, he said, is vitally important. I expect you to treat it as such. I will accept only the best from you, Percy Jackson. I wanted to get angry. This guy pushed me so hard. I mean, sure, it was kind of cool on tournament days when he dressed up in a suit of Roman armor and shouted, What ho! and challenged us, sword point against chalk, to run to the board and name every Greek and Roman person who had ever lived, and their mother, and what god they worshipped. But Mr. Brunner expected me to be as good as everybody else, despite the fact I have dyslexia and attention deficit disorder, and I have never made above a C- in my life. No. He didn't expect me to be as good. He expected me to be better. And I just couldn't learn all those names and facts, much less spell them correctly. I mumbled something about trying harder, while Mr. Brunner took one long, sad look at the stele, like he'd been at this girl's funeral. He told me to go outside and eat my lunch. The class gathered on the front steps of the museum, where we could watch the foot traffic along Fifth Avenue. Overhead, a huge storm was brewing, with clouds blacker than I'd ever seen over the city. I figured maybe it was global warming or something, because the weather all across New York State had been weird since Christmas. It had massive snowstorms, flooding, wildfires from lightning strikes. I wouldn't have been surprised if this was a hurricane blowing in. Nobody else seemed to notice. Some of the guys were pelting pigeons with Lunchables crackers, Nancy Boba Fett was trying to pickpocket something out of a lady's purse, and, of course, Mrs. Dodds wasn't seeing a thing. Grover and I sat on the edge of the fountain, away from the others. We thought that maybe if we did that, everybody wouldn't know we were from that school. The school for loser freaks, who couldn't make it elsewhere. Detention? Grover asked. Nah, I said. Not from Brunner. I just wish he'd lay off me sometimes. I mean, I'm not a genius. Grover didn't say anything for a while. Then, when I thought he was going to give me some deep, philosophical comment to make me feel better, he said, Can I have your apple? I didn't have much of an appetite, so I let him take it. I watched the stream of cabs going down 5th Avenue and thought about my mom's apartment, only a little ways uptown from where I sat. I hadn't seen her since Christmas. I wanted so bad to jump in a taxi and head home. She'd hug me and be glad to see me, but she'd be disappointed, too. She'd send me right back to Yancey, remind me that I had to try harder, even if this was my sixth school in six years, and I was probably going to be kicked out again. I wouldn't be able to stand that sad look she'd give me. Mr. Brunner parked his wheelchair at the base of the handicapped ramp. He ate celery while he read a paperback novel. A red umbrella stuck up from the back of his chair, making it look like a motorized cafe table. I was about to unwrap my sandwich when Nancy Bobafitt appeared in front of me with her ugly friends. I guess she'd gotten tired of stealing from the tourists and dumped her half-eaten lunch in Grover's lap. Oops! She grinned at me with her crooked teeth. Her freckles were orange, as if someone had spray-painted her face with liquid Cheetos. I tried to stay cool. My counselor had told me a million times, count to ten, get control of your temper. But I was so mad, my mind went blank. A wave roared in my ears. I don't remember touching her, but next thing I knew, Nancy was sitting on her butt in the fountain, screaming, Percy pushed me! Mrs. Dodds materialized next to us. Some of the kids were whispering, Did you see? The water. It like grabbed her. I didn't know what they were talking about. All I knew was that I was in trouble again. As soon as Mrs. Dodds was sure poor little Nancy was okay, promising to get her a new shirt at the museum gift shop, etc., etc., Mrs. Dodds turned to me. There was a triumphant fire in her eyes, as if I'd done something she'd been waiting for all semester. Now, honey, I know, I grumbled, a month erasing workbooks. That wasn't the right thing to say. Come with me, Mrs. Dodds said. Wait, Grover yelped. It was me. I pushed her. I stared at him, stunned. I couldn't believe he was trying to cover for me. Mrs. Dodds scared Grover to death. She glared at him so hard his whiskery chin trembled. I don't think so, Mr. Underwood, she said. But you will stay here, Grover looked at me desperately. It's okay, man, I told him. Thanks for trying. Honey, Mrs. Dodds barked at me. Now, Nancy Boba Fett smirked. I gave her my deluxe, I'll kill you later, stare. Then I turned to face Mrs. Dodds, but she wasn't there. She was standing at the museum entrance, way at the top of the steps, gesturing impatiently at me to come on. How'd she get there so fast? I have moments like that a lot, when my brain falls asleep or something, and the next thing I know I've missed something, as if a puzzle piece fell out of the universe and left me staring at the blank place behind it. The school counselor told me this was part of the ADHD, my brain misinterpreting things. I wasn't so sure. I went after Mrs. Dodds. Halfway up the steps, I glanced back at Grover. He was looking pale, cutting his eyes between me and Mr. Brunner, like he wanted Mr. Brunner to notice what was going on, but Mr. Brunner was absorbed in his novel. I looked back up. Mrs. Dodds had disappeared again. She was now inside the building, at the end of the entrance hall. Okay, I thought. She's going to make me buy a new shirt for Nancy at the gift shop. But apparently, that wasn't the plan. I followed her deeper into the museum. When I finally caught up to her, we were back in the Greek and Roman section. Except for us, the gallery was empty. Mrs. Dodds stood with her arms crossed in front of a big marble frieze of the Greek gods. She was making this weird noise in her throat, like growling. Even without the noise, I would have been nervous. It's weird being alone with a teacher, especially Mrs. Dodds. Thinking about the way she looked at the frieze, as if she wanted to pulverize it. You've been giving us problems, honey, she said. I did the safe thing. I said, yes, ma'am. She tugged on the cuffs of her leather jacket. Did you really think you would get away with it? The look in her eyes was beyond mad. It was evil. She's a teacher, I thought nervously. It's not like she's going to hurt me. I said, I'll try harder, ma'am. Thunder shook the building. We are not fools, Percy Jackson, Mrs. Dodds said. It was only a matter of time before we found you out. Confess, and you will suffer less pain. I didn't know what she was talking about. All I could think of was that the teachers must have found the illegal stash of candy I'd been selling out of my dorm room. Or maybe they'd realized I got my essay on Tom Sawyer from the internet without ever reading the book, and now they were going to take away my grade. Or worse, they were going to make me read the book. Well, she demanded, ma'am, I don't... Your time is up, she hissed, her eyes glowing like barbecue coals, her fingers stretched, turning into talons. Her jacket melted into large, leathery wings. She wasn't human. She was a shriveled hag with bat wings and claws and a mouth full of yellow fangs. And she was about to slice me to ribbons. Then things got even stranger. Mr. Brunner, who'd been out in the front of the museum a minute before, wheeled his chair into the doorway of the gallery, holding a pin in his hand. What ho, Percy, he shouted, and tossed the pin through the air. Mrs. Dodds lunged at me. With a yelp, I dodged and felt talons slash the air next to my ear. I snatched the ballpoint pen out of the air, but when it hit my hand, it wasn't a pen anymore. It was a sword. Mr. Brunner's bronze sword, which he always used on tournament day. Mrs. Dodds spun toward me with a murderous look in her eyes. My knees were jelly. My hands were shaking so bad I almost dropped the sword. She snarled, Die, honey! And she flew straight at me. Absolute terror ran through my body. I did the only thing that came naturally. I swung the sword. The metal blade hit her shoulder and passed clean through her body as if she were made of water. Yes! Mrs. Dodds was a sandcastle in a power fan. She exploded into yellow powder, vaporized on the spot, leaving nothing but the smell of sulfur and a dying screech and a chill of evil in the air, as if those two glowing red eyes were still watching me. I was alone. There was a ballpoint pen in my hand. Mr. Brunner wasn't there. He was there, but me. My hands were still trembling. My lunch must have been contaminated with magic mushrooms or something. Had I imagined the whole thing? I went back outside. It had started to rain. Grover was sitting by the fountain, a museum map tented over his head. Nancy Bobefitt was still standing there, soaked from her swim in the fountain, grumbling to her ugly friends when she saw me and said, I hope Mrs. Kerr whipped your butt. I said, Who? Our teacher? Duh! I blinked. We had no teacher named Mrs. Kerr. I asked Nancy what she was talking about. She just rolled her eyes and turned away. I asked Grover where Mrs. Dodds was. He said, Who? But he paused first, and he wouldn't look at me, so I thought he was messing with me. Not funny, man, I told him. This is serious. Thunder boomed overhead. I saw Mr. Brunner sitting under his red umbrella, reading his book as if he'd never moved. I went over to him. He looked up, a little distracted. Ah, that would be my pen. Please bring your own writing utensil in the future, Mr. Jackson. I handed it over. I hadn't even realized I was still holding it. Sir, I said, Where's Mrs. Dodds? He stared at me blankly. Who? The other chaperone. Mrs. Dodds. The pre-algebra teacher. He frowned and sat forward, looking mildly concerned. Percy, there is no Mrs. Dodds on this trip. As far as I know, there has never been a Mrs. Dodds at Yancy Academy. Are you feeling all right? Well, that was Chapter One of Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief. If you've listened all the way to the end of the chapter, holy shit, get a fucking life. But then again, I just spent the past hour and a half, hour forty-five minutes, recording this for you, so I need to get a life as well. Thank you for listening, now enjoy the fucked-up bloopers of your friendly neighborhood dumbass. Enjoy. Testing, testing. I wonder, can we hear pages turning? Probably. Because this is an old-ass book. But I feel like that might add to it. Hitting my best friend Grover in the back of the head with chunks of peanut butter and ketchup sandwich. I forgot that was... He must have been held back several grades because he was the only sixth grader... Fuck! ...then and there. Insolence... Fuck! Mr. Brunner had this look that wouldn't let you go, intense brown eyes that... What? Huh? Fucking brain aneurysm, let's run that back. She was standing at the museum entrance, way at the top of the steps, gesturing impatient... Fuck. She was standing at the museum entrance, way at the top of the steps, gesturing impatient... Fuck! Mr. Dodds lunged at me. Pfft! I snatched the ballpoint pen out of the air, but went at my... Meh-meh-meh-meh-meh-meh-meh-meh-meh... Bitch! I saw Mr. Brunner, sitting under his red umbrella, reading his book as if he'd never noticed. Fuck! Wrong word! He stared blankly at... Fuck! And now that you've enjoyed the many fuck-ups of your one and only, I believe it's high time that you turn this shit off and go do something else. Thank you for wasting approximately 28 hours of your life. There's one more blooper. 28 minutes. I gotta add on time somehow. Fuck you, and goodbye.