May It Please The Court, Some New Evidence Has Come to Light.

The narrator, Mr. O, talks about his experiences with nature and his cousin Frank's allergies to animals. He also discusses the issues with squirrels and bird feeders in his neighborhood. Mr. O believes that squirrels are a menace and should be exterminated to prevent further problems. He predicts that if the bird feeders are removed, the squirrels will become aggressive and cause chaos. He ends by encouraging listeners to subscribe to his podcast and email him. Hi, and welcome to Mr. O's Sideway View, a blog and podcast dedicated to all those folks who aren't me. And I've noticed a surprisingly large number of people who aren't. Hmm. Anyway, I'm Mr. O, and it's time to take another Sideway View in our crazy world. I have a healthy respect for nature. In fact, I love nature. When I go out into nature, I am in awe of what I see. Unfortunately, nature does not feel the same about me. Nature disrespects me whenever it can. Even the lowly weeds in my garden are signs of nature snubbing its nose at me saying, you think you have control over me? Even the pets I have welcomed into my home conspire with nature against me. The dog eats everything in sight until it has to go to the vet and be treated for eating the wrong thing. The cat believes I'm not happy unless I'm bleeding from a major artery. And the rabbit is trying to make wood sculptures from my family's antique heirloom furniture. All this for my crime of thinking I can control nature just a little bit. It's even worse for my cousin Frank. Nature made him yearn his whole life to be a zoologist. His love for animals knows no bounds, yet nature also made him allergic to dogs, cats, and many small mammals. No cuddly creatures for you, Frank, nature laughs. Then Frank met baby Bun Bun. His joy knew no bounds when he could hold her and not go into anaphylactic shock. He even went to his allergist to be tested. No, he is not allergic to rabbits, long or short hair. He's not even susceptible to the cousin of the rabbit, hairs. He was thrilled. Nature smiled and bided her time. He adopted two cute little baby bunnies and named them Smith and Wesson. Don't ask. I know I'd shoot nature if I got the chance, but I didn't think he would. Either way, he purchased about $200 worth of supplies, gave them an entire room and a hallway to romp around in, and shops a fresh organic produce stand every day to make sure they're healthy. Nature just laughed quietly. After a week, Frank started having breathing issues. He went to his doctor. The doc said it was an allergic reaction. Back to the allergist for another test. No, he's not allergic to rabbits. He's allergic to Timothy Hay. For those of you who don't know, the main component of a rabbit's diet is Timothy Hay. They must have it to keep healthy. Everything else can be substituted. Nature couldn't hold it for a moment longer. It started a belly laugh so hard I heard it 23 miles away. This may or may not be how the bunnies got their names, but it makes you think. Frank now takes prescription meds twice a day just for the privilege of having a little bit of nature in his house. And folks call me an idiot. Well, I am. But not for the same reasons as Frank. As you can see, nature apparently has a strong contempt for my family. I'm not saying it's for humanity as a whole, but for us it's very strong. I'm getting a vibe like one of my ancestors bluffed nature out of a big pot during a poker game one night. And frankly, nature is a sore loser. I mean, there is evidence all over the world telling us nature never forgets. So if she lost on a foolish bluff, I can see where she'd still be pissed several generations later. What I don't understand is what's happening now. This week I got a letter from my homeowner's association stating that we had to remove all bird feeders. Now I like bird feeders. Frankly, feeding birds is the only thing nature and I agree on. With the feeder, the colorful birds come close to the house. I can look at them, hear them sing, and they get lots of food. To me, there's no downside. Sadly, nature never wants me to be happy, even to its own sacrifice. Apparently, squirrels, the militants of the natural world, are not only raiding the feeders, but when the feeders are low, have taken to bothering local dogs. Gloomily, most of the dogs around here are smaller than the squirrels. I live in a pitiful neighborhood. The HOA also believe the squirrels have recruited some local raccoons to help in their endeavors. Raccoons have always been a bit too mercenary for my liking, but that's beside the point. Anyway, between the squirrels and raccoons emptying the feeders and bothering the dogs, the association feels the feeders have got to go. This is not the first time this has come up, but this time there is a new development. This time some rogue squirrels tried to break into someone's house. I don't know why. Maybe the feeder was empty for more than a week. Maybe they had a dog bigger than a rat and the squirrels felt a preemptive strike was necessary. Maybe they saw a bag of birdseed on the table and, in a drooling fit of hunger, thought they could get to it. Who knows? The thing is, now nobody can have a bird feeder. I say, no fair. Birds aren't the problem. Squirrels are. I have been screaming this message for years and nobody listens. All I hear is, squirrels are so cute. Who cares if they're cute? They're beasts from the sixth level of Dante's hell. I admit they don't show up in Paradise Lost, but that's because they were so horrible in the first draft he pulled them out so the church would publish it. I've had experience with publishers and they all require edits. Instead of banning the feeders, the HOA needs to hire an exterminator. Get rid of nature's little hit beasts before they come for you. If they don't, it's only going to get worse. Do those folks ever think of the consequences of their actions? What happens when all the bird feeders are gone? I'll tell you what will happen. First, the birds will go away and our world will get bleak and brown. Then the squirrels will come looking for the food. There won't be any. The squirrels are already militant. How do you think they'll act when they're hungry and crabby? It will be pandemonium. Hostages will be taken. Innocents will die. The deer population will start a black market, digging up the tulip bulbs you forked out sixty bucks for. I'm telling you, the only thing keeping the little tree rodents down now is that the birds give them half of what's in those feeders. As for the breaking and entering charges, the feeders are up now. They might be empty because it's been a little rainy around here, but the beasts know that the stupid humans will fill them up again once they can get back outside. A few went berserk and attacked, but that's not the majority. When the main thrusts all start breaking into houses, who can say what the damage will be? Also, there's no juvenile court to dissuade squirrels like there is for young prankster humans. I've been saying this for years, and now Mr. O's predictions have come true. Is this the first sign of the apocalypse? I don't know, but I know this. Squirrels must die! Thanks for listening, and I hope you laughed a lot. Stop by any time, open 24-7 for your smiling convenience. If you liked it, push like, or share it with a friend. If you missed an episode, you can hear Mr. O on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music, and Spotify. Remember to subscribe so you won't miss it again. If you'd like, you can send me an email at ohhhs sidewaysview at gmail dot com. That's O-H-H-S sidewaysview at gmail dot com. And remember what I always say, laugh now. You can be crabby anytime.