Ep. 55 - You're not an Introvert. You're Shy - Express Chai

The host of the Dirty Chai Podcast discusses the difference between being an introvert and being shy. Shyness is rooted in fear and leads to avoiding social interactions, while introversion is a personal preference for solitude and small groups. It is important to understand whether one is shy or introverted in order to address the root of their choice to not interact with others. Shy individuals may need to work on healing and overcoming their fear, while introverts can focus on finding comfortable environments. Hello, hi, welcome to Express Chai on the Dirty Chai Podcast with me, your host Geo. Today, I'm talking about something I heard on yet another podcast, you know, I'm always listening to those. In this particular episode, Matthew Hussey was being interviewed by someone and he drew a distinction that I had never heard before. He drew a distinction between being an introvert and being shy. And if I recall correctly, someone called in and said, how do I meet people? If I'm an introvert, how do I meet a guy if I never leave the house, etc. And he said two things. First, he gave her the answer to how to meet people. But before he gave her that answer, he said, let's make sure that you are actually an introvert and not just shy. And it's an important distinction because a shy person is running or hiding from connection with people. A shy person is dealing with a fear of social judgment or negative evaluation by others. A shy person may desire social interaction, but feels anxious, nervous or uncomfortable in social settings, leading them to avoid these situations. Shyness is rooted in fear, whereas introversion is a personal preference. Introversion is a personality trait where individuals feel more energized by spending time alone or in small groups rather than in large social gatherings. Introverts enjoy solitude and tend to seek out quieter environments on purpose. Their preference for alone time stems from a need to recharge and not from a fear of social interactions. When I heard this, I thought I would share it with you in this express episode because lately it feels like everyone and their mother are an introvert or fall into the definition of introvert and what that means to them is staying home. And yet so many people express a desire to be outside and to be with other people and also state that it causes them some sort of anxiety. It's important to understand the root of your choice to not interact with other human beings. If the root of your choice to stay home or to avoid interactions with other people is shyness, then you would understand that what you're dealing with is fear. What you're dealing with is anxiety around social gatherings and that's something that you can work on addressing if you desire to heal from it. If you're an introvert, then there is nothing for you to heal from because you do not find yourself dissatisfied by the election to stay home and not be out and about. It's very important to understand whether you are dealing with an insecurity or you're dealing with an election. And the reason why I found this distinction worth sharing is because you can't deal with, address or even understand what you can't wrap words around. And if we are wrapping the wrong words around something, then what we think we should be doing is not the right thing. How we think we should be responding to a particular situation may not be accurate or even appropriate. Once we understand and have the right words to wrap around what it is we're feeling, then we can progress to healing and growth from there. Once you understand that your choice to stay in or your choice to not put your hand up, your choice to not elect to participate in that competition at work or to put up your hand for a promotion or to pull up a seat at the table is not because you're an introvert, but because you are shy, then you can start asking yourself empowering questions and having with yourself empowering conversations about how to progress or to heal from that place of being afraid, from that place of fearing judgment, from that place of fearing not being chosen by other people, from that place of being nervous or uncomfortable in social settings. You see, it confuses most people when an introvert is comfortable with other people. Being an introvert is not an indication that you are uncomfortable with other people. Being an introvert simply means that your first choice is to be by yourself. Being shy means that you are uncomfortable around other people. It means that social interactions trigger anxiety in you. And now that you know that there's a difference between these two things, I hope that you're able to self-evaluate and figure out where you stand. So before you worry about how to meet people, understand what is motivating you not to go outside. Are you an introvert or are you shy? There are other categories of people out there like extroverts. There are other categories of people who feel anxiety. Those are not the ones we're talking about today. And we're not saying that those other people do not exist. We are simply talking today about the distinction between being an introvert and being shy and understanding that one is unhealthy and the other is a healthy election. One is self-possession and self-ownership and choosing what you want because what you want is always to have a sense of agency in what is happening to you and the things that you're choosing in your life. And the other is life happening to you and feeling like going out into that situation will result in you feeling bad about yourself. And that's why you do not want to be out there. That's why you do not want to put yourself out there for an opportunity. That's why you don't want to try. That's why you don't want to be amongst people because they might not treat you well. They might not receive you well. They might not embrace you and that would hurt your feelings. Once you understand the root, then you can begin to heal the root if you need to. And if you understand that the root is not something that requires healing, in other words, it's not necessarily shyness, you're actually introverted, then you can start thinking about places that are maybe introvert appropriate because if you are actually shy, the idea of what can I do to meet people, what can I do to go outside, that will plague you because A, it's something that you desire. Two, you have not built up the skill set to go and deal with those people. And three, you have an open wound that makes it a painful exercise. And those are the things that you should focus on healing and addressing in order to overcome that, whereas an introvert simply needs to find different types of places where they might find themselves more comfortable, but remember to remove themselves so that they can unplug and recharge because they are recharged by silence. I hope that distinction makes sense to you and that you understand why it's important. And I hope that you know where you fall on the spectrum of shy or introversion if you're one of the people who describes themselves in one of those ways. And if you fall into the category of introversion because you choose to do so and because you are comfortable and not because you are hiding from potential pain, then more power to you. But if you're shy, you deserve the opportunity to heal and to be outside. You deserve the opportunity to face the things that hold you back so that you can step into the fullness of what you are meant to be. I hope you enjoyed this, and I hope that it gives you something to think about, an intellectual bone to chew on between Tuesday episodes. And I'll catch you with a full episode of the podcast on Tuesday, and have a wonderful week and a wonderful weekend. Bye.