Can Ex-lovers Be Friends?

Ex-lovers can potentially be true friends depending on the type of relationship they had and the boundaries they set. Hookups and friends with benefits may be harder to define as true friendships if there is still attraction present. Time and forced proximity can help overcome the awkwardness and past intimacy. Examples of ex-lovers being friends include co-workers and divorced parents who have a common goal. Overall, true friendship requires respect, trust, understanding, and support. Hello guys, welcome back to another day of Gabe and the Girls. Today we have Caroline, Gabriel, McMahon, Rowan, and Delia. And our question that we're going to be answering today is, can ex-lovers be true friends? And to start us off, I think we should define some key terms. Caroline, why don't you take it away? I think the first thing we need to define is ex-lovers, and I think there's different kinds of ex-lovers. I think there's a relationship, a hookup, and friends with benefits. And I think a relationship is a mutual agreement between two people where both people display similar feelings and have a strong emotional connection beyond just attraction. I think a hookup is different because it's mainly just sexual attraction and there's no declaration of exclusivity or any real emotional bond. And then in between those two, you can also have friends with benefits, which is any friendship that has a casual sexual relationship. I think everyone also kind of has a different perspective on what true friendships mean, especially through our own lived experiences. I know in class we definitely talked about how true friends are seen almost as an extension of oneself, and there's no gratitude involved, like their accomplishments or your accomplishments and vice versa. But Caroline, what do you think? Yeah, I think that's definitely true, and I also think there's certain traits that have to be in a true friendship, such as respect, trust, understanding, and support. And I think that both sides need to feel comfortable being themselves and being able to share their thoughts and their feelings and, you know, stand with each other through good moments and bad moments. And I think based on that definition and the relationships that we've defined, I think sometimes if you have hookups or friends with benefits, that might not be the case, which could be hard to define those as true friendship. Yeah, similarly, I think that a true friendship is a relationship with open and honest communication, where each friend truly has the other person's best interest in mind. And I think that that can get fuzzy when we talk about any kind of romantic relationship, because sometimes if you have romantic intentions with somebody, you might not have their best interest at the forefront of your mind at all times. Yeah, no, I totally agree, because I think, honestly, what makes a romance and a friendship different is the intimacy aspect, and that's something that you can't really control. You can't control how you feel about someone and if you're attracted to them. So if that's in any way in the friendship, then that can change it to a romance. Yeah, I definitely agree with that. I also think that for guys especially, if you find someone who you can have true empathy with and actually talk about your emotions, that it definitely brings it to a different level of friendship, because most, I'd say, male friendships, that's kind of a boundary for guys. Yeah, and then one more thing, I feel like it can kind of get confused, like can you be friends with your partner if you're in a relationship? And I feel like based on what we defined, you can, but there's also another layer of attraction and intimacy that adds on to that. And I also think it's really interesting in class, using the analogy of how lovers see each other face to face, but then friends see the world side by side, like you're going through the world together and you are on the same playing field and you see everything like similarly in that way. I thought that analogy was really insightful. Yeah, I agree. Yeah. So circling back now that we've kind of defined all these different terms, I think that we should start answering the question a little bit. So I feel like it really does differ for, you know, we talked about relationship, hook up, friends with benefits. And I think depending on the type of entanglement one had, that will, you know, define if ex lovers can be true friends. And so I don't know, I'm going off of the story of my friend who had like a hook up relationship and her and this guy, they started originally hooking up. And then after they later decided that the hook up wasn't for them and that they should just be true friends. And yes, they were able to just maintain their relationship and be friends. They were able to maintain their friendship and not have any feelings get in the way. But I feel like the only way that that could happen is if the two people lost all attraction for each other. And in that scenario, they did and they were able to support each other in their other attractions. Like when they got with other people, they were supportive of them. And so I feel like in terms of a hook up, if all attraction is lost, then then you can still be friends and you can maintain that friendship. Yeah. So in contrast with what you were just saying, Caroline, I would have to disagree. I don't think that ex hook ups can be friends. Coming from personal experience, I had a good friend that I started hooking up with. And after we stopped hooking up, it got really uncomfortable. And we're still friends, but I don't think we'll ever be able to be friends in that same intimate way that we were beforehand. Wait, Caroline, can I ask, were you guys friends before you hooked up or was the first time you met through a hook up? No, we were friends before. So I think that definitely adds a complicated layer to the situation where you guys knew each other beforehand and maybe there was some emotional stuff going on before the hook up started. I think that in Caroline's example with her friend, she's saying that they hooked up before they actually knew each other at all and then after decided, hey, look, this isn't going to work out. We're friends. And there was a mutual decision there. So I think that's definitely a distinction between the two. Yeah. So I guess you could say that you can be friends, but in a different way. So maybe since they were starting fresh as friends, they only had that one experience of friendship versus I had two different experiences of friendship and maybe they were both friendship, but just two different kinds of friendship. That's so interesting, because I really do think that bringing in like this intimacy to a friendship, I've never honestly thought about how like your friendship will evolve because that will completely transform. And I don't know which one is more, quote unquote, true of a friendship. But yeah, I kind of agree with you, McMahon, because I just believe that once these feelings of attraction kind of come to the surface, I don't think that there's a way that people can really lose that initial attraction. I think it's like you're either initially attracted to someone or you're not. And it's like once that's there, even if something happens, I just think it's always going to be there a little bit. Yeah. Based on what we were saying, I think it's interesting to define attraction, though. Based on my experience where I hadn't known the person, there was no attraction in terms of personality. It was just it was just, you know, like sexual attraction. And if there's emotional attraction, I think that that adds a different layer, you know, that can definitely muffle it. So I think, you know, attraction has different definitions. And then going off of that, there's different emotional ramifications. Yeah. And I totally think I think it kind of comes down to like, can you get rid of attraction once you've already had it type thing? Going off of Caroline's story, I feel like it kind of just comes down to the attraction piece in that and kind of how we define friends and lovers as that's the difference, the intimacy and attraction piece. And I just when I thought about this question, the first thing that came to my mind was a TV show that I used to watch called Selling Sunset. And it's just about like a brokerage in California and they all work together. But the boss and one of his workers used to date like 10 years before the show started and before they started working together. And they actually and I think they dated for a few years, so pretty serious relationship. And now they both work together in a brokerage and are friends and they even have dogs together that they had from when they were dating. And I think this is a pretty good example of how lovers can be friends because but I think it's only in some instances where they're able to set pretty clear boundaries together and both have the intention of being friends. I think that's a really interesting example because it brings into question, does there need to be some sort of forced proximity circumstance that forces you to jump over the hurdles of awkwardness and past intimacy for that friendship to occur? Yeah, because now they work together in pretty close quarters. So I feel like we'd have to see, you know, what happened after they broke up, were they friends immediately or are going to take an amount of time because I think time definitely plays into it also. For sure. Yeah. And I think I'd like another example of kind of when that can happen is like divorced parents. You know, like if you have been married, you've had this very strong relationship and it ultimately doesn't work out. But if you have, you know, kids, you have to like maintain a different kind of relationship. And, you know, that can kind of be an example where true friendships can come into play without those romantic feelings. I think it's definitely possible. I think it just depends on how you draw those boundaries and, you know, what comes with that. And I really think that divorced parents, especially some of the examples I've seen, are a great example of true friendship because at the end of the day, divorced parents work as team mates. And I think that that is really important in a true friendship because like, again, they're working for a common goal. They just want the best for their kids. Yeah, and then I think also off of that, they've also had, you know, these experiences that they are very comfortable with each other. They've been, they were married, you know, they shared all their thoughts and feelings and experiences. And the true friendship was definitely established in the relationship. And for whatever reason, it fell out. Yeah, and I would also like to add how we did say in our definition of true friendship that it's where there's, there's no gratitude in like doing things for each other. And you kind of see them as an extension of yourself. But I would say that in the divorced parents example, it doesn't fit that model because they're really staying together for their kids. It's definitely a different kind of friendship than a typical, I'd say, true friendship. So is that friendship or is that some sort of almost collegiate, like relationship? Almost like a business agreement. Yeah, because they're working towards a common goal. Even if it's more of an intimate goal than you would normally see in like a workplace, they still feel like it might follow that definition for a relationship. And I think like circling back to something we were talking about earlier, I know, like Man and Rowan have said this is that it has to be both parties on the same page. And I really think that if one party, if like one person still has feelings or end level attraction, doesn't matter what the other person thinks, like they can believe that they're true friends. But as long as the other person still has an like remote attraction, then it's just not going to work. So I think that it's pretty rare, honestly, to get both parties completely like unattracted to each other, but it can be done. And going off of what Delia said, conversely, yes, you have to consider if anybody still has attraction, but also you have to consider if one of the parties still has some sort of resentment or anger towards the other party. I don't think that even if it's hidden or concealed, that the friendship could really be true. Yeah, no, I totally agree. And I think that there's kind of like two types of resentment because there could be, you know, bad feelings towards how they ended or whatever. But also like, what if one party still has feelings and they kind of resent the fact that the other party doesn't like them? Like, I feel like that there just can be so many complicated feelings. It's like Delia said, both parties are just completely neutral and don't have any like past, you know, attraction or feelings. After listening to all of your different stories and experiences and the examples we've seen in media, I definitely think that it depends on what we said in the beginning, the different kind of relationship, whether it's a hookup, friends with benefits, or relationship. And I also definitely think that there's different circumstances that can happen in all situations. So there's no true answer. Can ex lovers be friends? I think it's very dependent on the situation and the people involved. Yeah, I totally agree. There's definitely no right answer, but we'd love to know what you guys think. Yeah. And those of you who have had a friendship that you're worried about maintaining, we want to give you a little tidbit of hope from here at Gabe and the Girls. Just so you know, Gabe has kissed one of the girls and they are still true friends. And that's what we love to hear over here. Thank you guys so much for joining us. We hope to see you next time on Gabe and the Girls. And maybe next week we'll reveal who kissed Gabe.