007 - Be kind to yourself

Being kind to ourselves is crucial for our overall well-being. It's not just about physical actions like sleeping, eating, and exercising, but also about the mindset we have towards ourselves. Kindness towards ourselves helps create a positive outlook and reinforces healthy behaviors. It's important to remember that well-being is not just about how we look on the outside, but how we feel on the inside. Kindness should be our approach to making choices about our well-being, as it leads to a more positive sense of well-being. It's okay to take breaks or make choices that may not align with our usual wellness routine, as long as we remember to rebalance and get back on track. Overall, well-being is a journey that starts from within and radiates outward. Hello and welcome to the show. I'd like to start this episode off with a reflective question for you. When it comes to your wellbeing, how kind are you being to yourself? As someone who's coached in health and wellbeing for the last 20 years, I can tell you that when people struggle to sustain their wellness, it's rarely due to a lack of knowledge or opportunity. Instead, they usually struggle with self-compassion. We beat ourselves up for the way we look, we scold ourselves for how we're feeling, we tell ourselves we should be doing better, working harder, and getting more results. We rid ourselves of guilt. And many of us even project outside ourselves and assume that everyone is thinking all these same things about us too. Let me tell you that the health and wellness journey is challenging enough all on its own. Adding this kind of pressure onto oneself only invites the task to become exponentially harder. Sleeping, eating, and exercising to perfection in the pursuit of wellness is no match for the simple words we use on ourselves. As I hope you'll learn during this episode, true wellness is not defined on how you look on the outside, but how you feel on the inside. In this conversation, Mother Nature and I are going to talk about her fifth rule for vibrant well-being, being kind to yourself. So we're going to take our time with this one, and explore it with all the compassion we want you to show yourself. I hope you enjoy the show. Welcome back to the show, Mother Nature. It's lovely to be here, Chris. I've really been looking forward to getting into this conversation and discussing your fifth rule for physical and mental well-being. It's the rule of being kind to yourself. Shall we dive right in? Please, fire away, Chris. What would you like to know? Well, so far, your rules have been pretty logical, obvious even. It's unlikely that we would find anyone listening to this podcast that doesn't already understand the benefits of sleep, diet, exercise, and socialising. But this rule is a little bit out of left field, although it feels somewhat intuitive when I hear it. So my first question is this. Why is kindness so important to well-being? That's an excellent place to start, Chris. The previous four guidelines of sleep, diet, exercise, and socialising don't by themselves add up to well-being. That's because they can all be done out of guilt and obligation, or kindness and compassion. So it's important to understand that well-being starts on the inside. It's actually something you feel rather than something you can necessarily see. So the secret ingredient is found in the way you approach them, and that ingredient is called kindness. Interesting. You seem to be saying that the same action, let's say doing some exercise, for example, can either improve wellness or hinder it. Can you expand on that, please? Of course, Chris. Imagine this. You want to improve your physical well-being and you recognise you're not as fit as you used to be. You have two paths ahead of you. You could choose the path of kindness and say to yourself, I choose to reconnect with the joy that being physically active once gave me. And in doing so, I know I will have more energy for my other commitments in life. Or you could choose guilt and obligation as the driver of change by saying to yourself, I'm overweight, unfit, and dislike what I've become. So I must exercise in spite of all the pressures that led me here in the first place. What comes to mind, Chris, when you think of these two opposing outlooks? For me, it feels like there's a different weight to each of them. The approach that leads with kindness feels lighter somehow. I don't feel held down by a negative view of myself like I do in the second option. Very good, Chris. And which do you think would lead to feeling the least stressed about regaining your health? Well, clearly the first option. The second feels like it comes from a place of anger or frustration. So it already contains stress. Exactly. Managing stress is a large part of wellness. That's why I say well-being is something you feel, not something you can always see. Well, that makes sense. Although I've noticed that when some people feel good, they often radiate that out. So you can almost see that radiance somehow. Very much so, Chris. But they don't need to look any certain way when they radiate health, say. They could be overweight, or overworked, or simply be having a bad hair day. Yet be utterly radiant. That's so true. I've met people that look like cover models, yet they seem to radiate nothing but stress, anxiety, or exhaustion. There you go. The nature of how someone feels on the inside can always be sensed by what they project on the outside. So you can't fake it till you make it. Which actually reminds me of last week's conversation when we said that communication is 60% body language. So this makes me think, if well-being starts on the inside, is this internal work more important than our physical efforts? No. They are equal, like the opposite sides of a circle. Sleep, diet, exercise, and socializing all create a reinforcing feedback loop, feeding back into whatever mindset you entered them Let me explain. If you start the day well-rested, then it's easier to have a positive outlook and be kind to yourself. If you eat from nature's plate, you're unlikely to feel lethargic or have a racing heart, so you'll feel good about your choices. If you exercise, you'll get fitter and create endorphins, which encourages you to go again. And when you spend time with others that you like, then you feel good too. These all reinforce positive, healthy behaviors and encourage you to keep repeating them. So think of kindness, compassion, and respect for ourselves as the outlook we want to have as we enter into this circle. The activities you choose will then feed back to you more kindness, compassion, and respect for yourself. So if you enter into this feedback loop with an outlook of guilt, obligation, or frustration, then the exact same activities that you could have done with kindness would feed back more guilt, obligation, and frustration. I'm afraid so, Chris. One thing you need to know about my laws of nature is that I'm neutral about how you choose to use them. Humans have free will. You can do as you please. But the rules are the rules. You can either use them to promote well-being or promote stress. Your choice. Whoa, that's brutal. The truth often is. Okay, on that note, let me just clarify this. You're saying that being kind to yourself is the outlook you should have as you enter into making choices about your well-being. You know you're entering your health journey with kindness because it feeds back a more positive sense of well-being. And you know you're entering into the health journey without kindness because it will feed back the existing feelings of guilt, anxiety, or negative self-images. Feeling kind about yourself and acting kindly towards yourself should allow you to begin to radiate well-being from the inside. It doesn't really matter what the outside looks like at any given time. Very good, Chris. Over time, the outside will begin to reflect whatever the inside is feeling. So there is no need to gauge the progress of well-being by how you look. Instead, gauge it by how you feel. Nice. Okay, I'm going to play devil's advocate here. What if the kindest thing that you could do for yourself right now is to stay up late or eat that cake or not exercise today? How does your rule stand up to that? It feels like these choices are just begging for guilt to emerge. A very good question, Chris. It seems like you found a loophole, doesn't it? But in nature, the rules are always the rules. Sometimes the kindest thing to do is to step out of the wellness feedback loop for a moment. Close your eyes for a moment, Chris. Imagine placing the tip of a pen on some paper. Write the word kindness. Then without lifting the pen, continue to draw a line to the right that gently curves up. So the pen is now traveling up the page. Without stopping, start curving to the right again and keep going all the way around until you've drawn a circle. You should now have the word kindness joined to a short tail that continues into a circle. This is a representation of what we spoke about earlier, with kindness being how you enter your feedback loop. I like it. So as you go around and around the wellness loop, you never leave kindness. Precisely. Now, imagine traveling around and around this circle. At some point, you're going to start feeling dizzy. It's actually unkind to continue to make yourself dizzier and dizzier just to stay on the wheel. So this time, as you draw over the top of your circle and start coming down the page, curve your way to the right again and draw a new circle. You'll end up drawing a new circle going in the opposite direction, right next to the first one, like a figure eight on its side. An infinity sign. Exactly, Chris. The second loop represents taking time out of the original kindness loop, giving you a moment to travel in the opposite direction and unwind your dizziness. You can stay on the second loop as long as necessary, knowing you can smoothly rejoin the first wellness loop when you come back around. I see. I could make five turns around the wellness activity loop, for example. And when I feel dizzy and want to get off, I can make a few turns around the reverse circle. It's a bit like training in the gym. You do five weeks of hard work and then take a week off to let your body recover. Then you simply get back on with training again. Yes, you're getting it, Chris. We're building a metaphor for what it's like to be on the wellness journey. Now, to finish up the diagram, label the first loop values and the second loop rebalance. Kindness is to enter the loop in a way that meets your values around well-being and stay on it as long as you feel comfortable. Your values are always personal to you and represent whatever feels right for your well-being in the domains of sleep, diet, exercise and socializing. The second loop represents the act of kindness that is found in taking time to rebalance yourself when you're feeling tired. Very often, this is when there are some competing needs that need your attention. The second wheel allows you to meet those competing needs by having that slice of cake or enjoying a rest week or staying up late to watch that movie or simply meeting any other competing demands of life. It allows you a moment to get off the dizzying wheel of self-improvement when you need to. You can easily come back around and rejoin the values wheel when you're centered again. I love that. Self-improvement isn't an either-or set of decisions. It's a smooth, infinite flow from one set of needs to the other. Rather than competing, these needs are actually balancing each other. Yes, they do, and it works in any context. For example, you could imagine that the values wheel is all about personal enjoyment, and the rebalance wheel is all about paying your bills. This approach allows them to complement each other. Rather than compete, smoothly stepping from one wheel to the other, doing whatever is the kindest thing for you in that moment. Some people will need to spend more time on the bill-paying wheel and transition to the enjoyment wheel whenever they have free time. And some get to spend more time on the enjoyment wheel, transitioning to the bill-paying wheel whenever necessary in their week. What's important and makes the biggest difference to your well-being is that you enter whichever infinity loop your life contains with kindness, not frustration. That's so true. Knowing these two states aren't exclusive, but two joined-up wheels allow you to transfer from one to the other in any combination that works for you. That's a game-changer in itself. But understanding that whichever loop that you have to spend most of your time on, either the balance loop or the values loop, if you hold onto that sense of kindness and compassion for yourself, it can only ever benefit your well-being. Excellent insight, Chris. Mother Nature, as always this has been an incredible conversation. Thank you so much. Would you mind if I summarise what I've learned today? Please. I'm interested to hear what you've learned. When we think of health and wellness, it's really easy to get caught up in the physical aspects of it. When we read books, search the web, or ask people for advice, they'll almost always start by telling you to sleep more, eat a better diet, and get more exercise. We've even followed suit in this podcast and started with these physical aspects too. But Mother Nature teaches us that true health and well-being starts on the inside with our outlook. This outlook, she tells us, should be one of kindness to oneself. The mind is by far the most powerful influencer on health because it controls our behaviour. If we come from a place of guilt, obligation, or frustration, our behaviour will reflect this guilt, obligation, and frustration. The weight of it makes it incredibly hard to remain on the path we choose. When we come from a place of kindness, however, we remove that heavy load and our actions to sleep, eat, exercise, and socialise through this lens create a positive feedback that deepens our sense of well-being from the inside out. And that's how you radiate wellness. You feel it and nurture it from the inside. Mother Nature taught us that the kindness loop for your well-being is the one that follows your values. These values lead us to take actions towards the kind of well-being that matters to us. But she also teaches us that if we rigidly stay on this one wheel, we'll eventually get dizzy and want to fall off. And that's not kind either. Therefore, we need to recognise that sometimes we need to rebalance ourselves. This can feel like you're doing something that conflicts with your values at times though. For example, you could be restricting your calories to lose weight, which may well be the kindest thing that you could do for your health right now. You stick to the plan for four or five weeks, but then you feel the urge to give yourself a break from this pressure that you're putting on. In this moment, you're feeling the need to transition to the rebalance wheel. Mother Nature's advice is to do just that. To head in the opposite direction for a moment to un-dizzy yourself is the kindest thing that you can do in that moment. Just know that doing so is about regaining balance. It's not in line with your values. So when you're ready to focus again, however long that takes, rejoin the values wheel and continue on your way to health. So, rather than seeing these competing activities of health and life as an either-or thing, the kindness approach allows us to merge from one wheel to the other as needed in the context of your life. This smooth, intentional changing of direction allows for the ebb and flow of normal life. And recognising that life does indeed ebb and flow, pulling us in different directions, is an important part of understanding health. Kindness is to do whatever feels right in the moment to remain balanced. But ultimately, bringing yourself back to meeting your values whenever possible is what helps you make the progress that you desire. Excellent summary, Chris. Kindness to oneself is not an easy thing for people to master. Hopefully, this conversation has sparked a little of that self-compassion in people. I hope so too. Do you have any suggestions for a practice that people could bring into their life to ensure that they develop this being-kind-to-yourself skill? Of course, Chris. There are clearly many ways we can introduce kindness into your life. Each person is different in that regard. But one practice you could encourage is to start each day with a kindness intention. Each morning, simply take a moment to choose to start your day with kindness. Think about what is coming up that day and look for how it might best benefit you. Spend a few minutes feeling into this, and then go about your day holding onto that feeling. This is a simple way to ensure that kindness leads you into your values wheel for that day. Repeat this every day, and treating yourself with kindness will become second nature. Great advice, Mother Nature. It takes less than a minute each day to do that, and over time it will get easier and easier to be kind to yourself. Thank you so much for this conversation today. It's been enlightening, to say the least. It also brings us to the end of discussing your five guidelines for well-being, which has been a fascinating journey. If it's okay with you, I'd love to continue these conversations and discuss the challenges to well-being that people have at the end of these five guidelines, and the other laws of nature that you might have for us. That's a great idea, Chris. It would be my pleasure to chat that through with you. I look forward to the next conversation. Bye for now. Thank you for listening today. I hope you enjoyed the show. Kindness to oneself is easy said, but no easy thing. Remember, kindness is a choice. A choice to follow a path that meets what you value in life. For some, that means exercising hard, abstaining from what they class as bad foods, and perfecting their body. For others, it's about stealing a moment each week for themselves amid the turmoil of a life pulled in all sorts of directions. Neither of these, or anything in between, is the right or the wrong way to find well-being. The right way is always the way of your values. So coming at your life with a sense of kindness towards yourself will, I assure you, promote well-being, whatever path you choose. This episode is part of a series that I produced on Mother Nature's rules for vibrant well-being. If you've just discovered the show and enjoyed today's lesson, then please head back to episode 1 and invest a little time in catching yourself up. Each episode is less than 20 minutes, so it shouldn't take you too long. We also have other resources on the website to help you develop your health and well-being. Please follow the link in the description for more details. And finally, please remember, health emerges quite naturally when you allow Mother Nature to guide you.