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oop.... It's getting better...not the audio, but I'm getting into my zone quicker and starting to tell some stories... feedback from listeners... more story telling... ahh a listener!!! it's not just me anymore...
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oop.... It's getting better...not the audio, but I'm getting into my zone quicker and starting to tell some stories... feedback from listeners... more story telling... ahh a listener!!! it's not just me anymore...
Comment
oop.... It's getting better...not the audio, but I'm getting into my zone quicker and starting to tell some stories... feedback from listeners... more story telling... ahh a listener!!! it's not just me anymore...
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What's going on? Okay, okay, nevermind. Sorry. I didn't think that was actually going to record. I thought my audio was fucked up and wasn't even on. So, whatever. Let's see. My hands are fucking freezing. I've been sitting outside talking with Brody and Brianna. And I was like, sorry guys, we've got to go with the stew. We've got to go with the Zodio. And, yeah, here we fucking are. I feel like I have a lot on my mind today. Kind of all over the place. And, you know what? I know I'm fucking rambling. I don't know what you want me to say. Like, yes, I'm going to be getting better. But, like, right now, I just think it's important that I post them. Like, I really do. I just feel like that is some of the bottom that we hear. Okay? Like, that's what's going on. Because, why not, dude? Like, why? Let me ramble, bitch. Like, I told you, this is Dear Diary. And if you really want my fucking diary, you're in it, bro. Like, you are my diary. So, yes, I ramble. That's just what, like, that's just what my brain does. Okay? That's my fucking ADHD. I don't know what you want me to say. Anyway. Okay. Well, yeah, I have a lot of things on my brain today. I feel like a lot went on in my brain today. Because I had some stuff at work that was, like, I don't know. Like, it wasn't just a plain old day at work. Like, some shit. Yeah. Okay. So, that was on my mind. But I don't really want to talk about that. Let me get a drink, girl. What I do want to talk about is we were talking about the left side of your brain and the right side of your brain today. And I was listening to Martha Beck talk about it on We Can Do Hard Things. And, like, I don't know. She was talking about this really interesting idea about, like, when you're having anxiety, that is a left side brain thing. So, whenever you're in that, like, if you can make yourself, like, create something. And, like, that could be, like, right now the podcast is creating something for me. But, like, that is, like, interchangeable, like, depending on who you are. Like, some people, it's like they're feeling anxiety and they need to create something, which uses the right side of your brain. And so you can't use your left side of the brain and the right side of the brain at the same time. So it's pretty much this idea that it's, like, if you force yourself to start creating something whenever you're feeling anxiety, then it will just pull you out of it because it's going to take you completely somewhere else. Like, it's your right side brain is just going to, like, take you completely out of that anxiety because it's on the right side of the brain and the anxiety is on the left. So that was a really interesting perspective. And, yeah, I like that a lot. I'm going to try next time I'm feeling, like, super anxious, I'm going to try that out and see what that does, if I can do that. Because I feel like when I'm in anxiety, like, it's just I'm just trying to fucking survive. Like, I'm trying to, like, kind of, like, hold some space for that. And I'm, like, kind of just, like, God, like, how can I get out of this? And then the other half of me is, like, going into, like, anxious spiral. And so I feel like if I can just grab that bitch by the throat and start creating something, that maybe that could really, like, be beneficial. Like, imagine if you just, like, this works, which I'm sure it won't work for everyone. And, like, I have no idea. Like, this is my first time hearing of this idea. But she definitely talked about it a lot better than me. I can just find the episode that's on. Let's see if I listened to it. Episode 375 of We Can Do Hard Things. It's How to Stop Worrying with Martha Bix. I loved it. I thought that was so interesting. Another idea that I was thinking today. And, like, I don't know. I think I, like, really started focusing on this idea a few months ago. I'm so sorry about the audio. Noah, hold on. Let me pause that story. Some of this. Noah is supposed to help me with my audio, but, like, I have fucking no one. I have nothing. There's no website. I can't find anything on YouTube. I can't find anything on TikTok. I can't find, like, I can't find any help. ChatGPT is not helpful to me. Like, I, like, the things that I'm finding out are helpful, but, like, they're too, like, not beginner for me. Like, I, like, baby steps, bro. Like, baby steps. I have no fucking idea what I'm doing. So, every time I record, I'm trying to fuck with it, and I'm trying to make it a little bit better. But then I don't want to do too much because I'm scared to, like, really fuck it up. And also it's, like, I still feel like all the edits and everything that I've been able to try to fuck with, like, doesn't make it big enough. Like, it's not beneficial. It's not, like, because I want to do minimal editing, but I need the audio at least to sound good. Like, that is my main focus with editing at all is the quality of the sound. But I just want to say I'm fucking trying, girl. I am trying. And it'll get there. Like, I'll probably see Noah. Jeez, I don't know. If I don't see him in the next week, I'm going to have to make a plan because I need some fucking help. Because over text, like, then we're, like, taking long to answer, and, like, we're just not, like, I just need you to fucking show me. Otherwise, I'm not going to get any of it. Like, please help me. So, shout out Noah. Shout out Noah. If he helps me. If he doesn't, fuck you, Noah. I'm joking. I'm joking. But, yeah. Noah knows this stuff because he's a rapper. Anyway, I never heard him rap, so I don't know. But one time I saw him do karaoke, and it was good. So, maybe he can rap. I don't know. But, anyway, back to my story. And, yeah, this is an idea that I first really, like, was kind of diving into it a few months ago. But I just feel like it's something I keep in the back of my mind, and I kind of bring it out every once in a while. But now I just feel like it's being brought out to me. It's like, no, girl, like, you on to something, for real. And it's just the idea of, like, ego. And I'm a little conflicted in this moment because, as I said, I was just talking to Brittany and Brianna, and so I was kind of, like, you know, just telling them what's going on in my mind. And, yeah, now we're doing that again. So I've kind of had a similar conversation to this a minute ago. But, yeah, it's just, like, talking about ego. And then, of course, Brittany's like, define ego. Like, in what, like, way? Like, what would you say? Which, fuck, like, obviously that's such a necessary question in terms of anyone talking about anything because we all have different definitions of everything. But, anyway, like, I think that definitely complicates it. I think that me and Brittany's conversation took, like, definitely a different perspective than I had taken in my own brain. So I'm going to tell you what happened in my own brain, and then I'm going to tell you, like, where me and Brittany kind of went with that. But my idea was, like, I feel like all my problems in my life right now are, like, I feel conflicted because half of me, like, 75% of me knows, like, logically, like, what would be the better thing for me to do. Like, I could just solve this problem if I just did this. But then part of me is just like, oh, but why? Like, what if blah, blah, blah, like, what if I just, like, oh, my God, no, like, no. Like, what if I'm right? I don't know. It's just like, it's just like, shut the fuck up, bitch, no. Like, you're not right, and I know that you're not right. But part of me is just like, yeah, I have this, like, feeling. I get this egoist feeling. I feel like, I don't know, it's just those little, like, it's one of the controls in my brain. It's like, in the movie Inside Out, of course, like, honestly, 10 out of 10 movies, like, that's probably in my fucking favorite top 10 movies. Like, that movie was, both of the movies, the first and the second, were so fucking good. That is, like, yes, I feel so seen. Like, that is definitely how my brain is working, all these little fucking bitches in there going, mew, mew, mew, mew, mew, mew, mew, mew, mew. But ego is another one of those things. And I don't know, like, I, oh, God, I don't want to give so many examples because I'm like, oh, my God, like, people are in my life are going to hear this. Brody and Brianna have been sneaky listening to my podcast, and I'm embarrassed now. And it's also difficult because I'm fucking talking about them fucking bitches. So if y'all listening, fuck you, bitches. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. Hey. Oh, that's weird. I'm not talking to you. Okay, you can be here and listen, but I'm not talking to you. So shut up. But I'll just give an example because fuck you anyway. My ego is an issue in Brianna living at my house. Like, this is so embarrassing if you're going to hear this. I know it's stupid. Let me just say, I know it's stupid. My ego is the issue because it's, like, logically, like, like I was saying yesterday, it's another relationship. It's more people to be in relationship with or to get perspective from, to get perspective on, to share experiences and stories and ideas, and just, like, it's more, it's another person to connect with, which is, like, I desire, like, I just want to connect with everyone in the world. Like, I just, like, want to hear everyone's everything. And so it's, like, yeah, like, that's how I should feel about Brianna. But I don't know. Like, my ego is just, like, no, like, no, it's not fair. Like, oh, God. I told myself I wanted to be fucking honest, but I'm like, fuck, like, this is so embarrassing out loud. But I don't know. I'm just, like, it's not fucking fair. Like, that's what my brain is saying. Like, I feel like, you know, like, this is a dog-eat-dog world. Like, we gotta, like, there's, like, a, like, price to pay, I guess. I don't fucking know. Like, I'm just, like, what the fuck. Like, I just feel like everything, like, about her living here is, like, me losing. Like, I just feel like I just had to sacrifice so much. And, like, I just feel like shit about it a little bit. And, like, yeah, I don't know. I'm just, like, oh, my God, like, fuck. But it's, like, I know, like, if I just, like, actually give her a chance, like, we can actually be cool. Because any little, like, interaction that we do have is good and cool. Like, I feel like we have a lot of, like, I don't know. I'm, like, sometimes I feel like we have common interests. But I just feel like we're such different people. And, like, it feels hard to connect. But I feel like that's because I'm making it hard to connect. Because I don't think that I've ever had an issue connecting with anyone. Like, I can always find something. But this should feel like a challenge. But it's, like, I don't really think it should feel like a challenge. Because, like, we both like getting our nails done. And so, like, some of our interactions we're just, like, oh, my God, like, new nails. And show each other our nails. And, like, I don't know. Like, we talk about, I don't know. Now it's kind of, like, more group conversations. Like, me and Brenna aren't doing, like, one-on-one time really. But I don't know. And it's, like, I feel like there is common ground. But I'm just, like, ah, you stole my brother. And, like, you just live in my house. And, like, now you're just, like, part of this fucking family. I don't know. I don't know. I'm just, like, I like her. I think she's a cool person. But I think my ego is in the way, like, I think I'm a little bit jealous. And I think I'm a little bit, like, spiteful, I guess. Like, I don't know. Like, I think I feel entitled a little bit. Like, I just feel like I think that, like, yeah, I'm more entitled to just, like, this life than her. And I don't know. Like, I think this is a complicated conversation. Like, yeah, I don't know. Like, I think there's a lot that goes into it. But I think, like, for the basics, like, yeah, my ego is fucking everything up. God, I really hope you guys didn't listen to that. Like, that's so embarrassing. I'm, like, I want to stop recording and just start all over. Because if Brady and Brianna hear this, like, I'm going to feel so fucking stupid. And, like, I know I'm wrong. Like, I don't think I fucking, I don't know what's going on. I don't want to. I don't plan on being a fucking bitch. But it's, like, I just feel like whenever I just, like, I don't know. I don't know. I'm, like, I feel like I have to, like, duck my fucking head. Like, I feel, like, excluded. And it's, like, everyone else is just, like, fucking here, fucking having the time of their life all fucking day. And then I just come home and it's, like, I'm interrupting in my fucking house whenever it's, like, usually. Like, I walk in the room and everybody, everything stops. Like, and there's not really a lot going on. Like, now I'm, like, I have BOMO. I'm, like, what are you guys laughing at? Like, what are you all laughing at? And, like, what are you all talking about? Like, I'm in my room and I hear Brie Brie and my mom talking. And I'm, like, hmm, what was that? Like, what are you guys saying? And, like, I don't know. But, yeah, so I'm just always, like, walking around with my head down just because I'm, like, oh, my God. Like, I'm just, like, not even a part of, like, this whole thing. Like, I don't know. I'm, like, BOMO is, like, such a stupid fucking thing. But, yeah, I think it's that. And, yeah, I'm just, like, like, jealous of the BOMO. I'm, like, what are you guys, like, why are you guys getting to do all this? Like, why are you all just getting to sit here and talk? And it's, like, obviously if I'm here, like, I could just walk out of my room and go sit and talk with them. I could do that. But then I'm, like, my ego, again, is, like, no, no, like, fuck them. Oh, God, this is so embarrassing. I'm talking so quiet because I'm, like, I know how embarrassing this is. So I'm, like, I don't even want to say it out loud. But, yeah. Anyway, it's just fucking stupid. And it's, like, yeah, I just feel like my ego is the problem. Like, it's, yeah, it's what's stopping me from actually, like, like, having these good connections and these good conversations. And, like, any connection. No, I'm just, like, in my room. In my room or out here. But, I mean, no, it's kind of nice because, like, they're on the back porch. So I walked out the back door and, like, on my way out here. So I, like, passed them. And I'm, like, hey, what's up? And then I sat and fucking talked to them for, like, way longer than I expected. I did not expect to be, um, I don't know. I thought I was just popping in, like, on my way to the shop. But then we just got to talking. And the talking was fucking good. So. But then it was getting fucking cold. And now it's getting late. It's fucking 930. And I still gotta shower. And get cozy. And, I don't know, watch something. Oh, yeah, I'm gonna try to watch the actual documentary of the Menendez Brothers. I'm gonna watch that. Because I watched the monster, that one, with the nine episodes of it. But this one's, like, an hour and a half. And it's, like, the real shit. So I'm gonna try to watch that again. Because I tried to watch it, but I felt, like, shocker. So, yeah, right now, let's see. Yeah, I just, the ego thing, that is, like, that is what is really fucking on my mind. Because in that scenario, obviously. And then it's, like, also, okay. In a fucking stupid scenario that I'm in for no fucking reason, it's, like, okay. Let's just see. There's this guy from my life. And, like, he has, like, shown and proven to me and, like, literally spelled it out right in front of my fucking face. Like, a billion times. That, like, no. Like, that's not gonna happen. But it's, like, also, it's frustrating. Because it's, like, I don't think I want it to happen either. I guess halfway is my ego talking. Because, like, I don't want to be the one that wants something. But it's, like, I think if I met this person today, like, I don't think that we would like each other. But, like, I don't know. There's just fucking something about this person. And, yeah, it's really confusing because their words are, like, they're very, like, approving to their actions. And, like, I don't know. I guess you could just kind of say, like, this person, like, has been leading me on. And I fall for it. I fucking fall for it every time. Because, like, for a while, I think it started off, like, well, it was, like, completely platonic for a while. And then it was, like, I like you. And I like you, too. And then it was, like, kind of, like, led each other on a little bit, I feel like. And then, like, now that I'm just, like, doing my own thing, like, I'm not really doing the, like, dating thing. And so, it's, like, I guess it's kind of just been the one leading me on. I halfway see it as that. And then I halfway see it as, like, because I don't feel like I'm completely, like, I've definitely been, like, more distanced from this every single time that it's been, like, the truth comes out. But I don't know. I don't know. So, it's, like, I entertain it whenever it's around. But, like, I've been distancing myself. Like, I went, like, I went, like, 42 fucking weeks avoiding this person. But then I crashed, and here we fucking are again. But whatever. Whatever. So... God, it's so fucking stupid. But, yeah, pretty much I've just been getting led on by this person. And, like, that's clear. Like, I'm just enabling it. Because every single time, like, that I, like, fall, like, respond at all, it's, like, yeah, just completely enabling it. And, like, just letting this person lead me on. And, like, yeah, they're getting what they want out of it. And I'm getting kind of fucking fucked on it. But I don't know. Then it's, like, I don't know, it phases me less every time just because I'm, like, this off and on shit, like, that ain't nothing to me. Like, I believe a person can change. I believe in second chances. I believe in, like, maybe as many chances. But they just come with more boundaries every time. Like, yeah, there's just certain boundaries that you have to set with these people that are, like, wishy-washy, I guess you could say. And, yeah, so I just, yeah, keep getting let on by this person. And it hasn't happened. Like I said, I went 42 weeks. I was, like, that is big game for me. That is the longest I've ever gone. And before that, the longest I had gone was probably, like, eight weeks or something. Like, no time. And before that, probably, like, a few days. Like, never. I can never, like, just get the fuck out of here. But I went 42 weeks, and then I folded. I folded around the holidays. They really get tough. And, yeah, and so it's, like, logically, literally, every part of me is so clear. It's so clear how to handle this. Isn't it just part of me? That's my fucking ego. But, like, what if he really loves me? Like, what if he really loves me? Dumb fucking bitch. I tell you what. Dumb fucking bitch, okay? If any of my friends were going through this, I'm instantly, like, mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm. He don't want you. He never wants you. He just, like, you're enabling him by responding. At all. This is embarrassing. No. Like, we're not doing this. But here I am, like, I don't know. It's super fucking difficult because it's like I still kind of, like, have a lot of love for this person. But sometimes you're just supposed to hold that love. You're not supposed to give that love. And, yeah, especially whenever it's being fucking taken advantage of, dude. What the fuck? Whatever. Break my heart, I guess. But I don't know. I'm like, all right, so let's see this happen. Like, what day is it? Thursday? Oh, my God. Almost on Sunday. It'll be two weeks to go. And so for the first week, I was definitely, like, fuck me. Like, it was kind of consuming my mind throughout the day and, like, was kind of, like, hurting my feelings. And, like, I definitely, like, cried about it a little bit. But, like, whatever. And then, God, it's so stupid. But, yeah. Then I have not talked to them. But also they have not talked to me. It's because they have not text me and they left me on read. And, like, I'm okay with that because I'm really super bad about, like, ending any sort of relationship or friendship or anything. Like, in the past, like, my past of ways to go is, like, I'm just going to, like, make you leave me because I'm not going to be able to leave you. So, like, I just got to, like, make you leave me. And so, yeah, like, I have been fucking speaking my mind the past few times and it is, like, not the version of me that they want. Because the version of me that they want is to just be like, oh, yeah, like, this video, this was great. Everything's fine. Like, yeah, like, da-da-da. Stupid ass. Stupid ass. But, like, I don't think that version of me exists anymore. The people pleasing to a fucking max, like, no. That is not my thing. I have a sense of self now. I fucking have a sense of self, motherfucker. So, but it's hard because it's, like, I could do that with any future relationship. But, like, doing that with this specific relationship, this is the only relationship that I have that's, like, unhealthy. And, like, this person has, like, this, like, weird, like, control over my emotions and, like, just my, like, sense of self, I guess. And so, yeah, it's super fucking difficult because I'm, like, I've grown so much. I'm just not that person. I would never let anyone, like, treat me like this at all. Like, the signs are so clear, but it's just been going on for a long time, and it was a different version of myself, like, so many other times. And so now it's, like, in the past 42 weeks, like, motherfucker, 42 weeks, I've changed, like, seven people. Like, so many things have happened. I've had so much new perspective, so many new ideas, so much new, like, connection with myself. Hold on, I got to cough. So, I'm just having a lot of trouble fucking navigating this. And, yeah, it's because my ego's, like, no, like, maybe he really does love me. And I think that's just because it's, like, I've spent a lot of time on this. I was going to say wasted, but to me, I don't think it was wasted. Like, it's fun. Like, I actually do love this person, and I do have a connection with this person, whether it's reciprocated. Like, for me, this is a relationship, and, like, this was, like, special to me. Like, this was good to me. Well, this was something to me. Like, for me, it was kind of good for a while, but, like, now, like, this is no longer good for me. And, so, yeah, it's super difficult, but I'm, like, I don't want to block this person. I don't want to get this person, like, completely out of my life. Like, I don't want to completely close the door. I don't want to ever completely close the door. Well, I don't want to say that. Some things deserve a completely closed door, but this, I'm, like, I don't think this deserves a completely closed door. For now, yes. I think the door needs to be closed, locked, and the key needs to be withheld in a special place. And, like, maybe, like, if, like, one day, like, we, like, cross paths again, like, that would be cool. But this fucking, like, Snapchatting bullshit, like, I'm not doing this no more at all. Text me if you want to talk to me, bitch. Any of you bitches. Don't Snapchat me. Bug Snapchat. But, God, yeah. And, so, it's, like, I know what needs to happen. I need to close and lock this door for a while. But my ego is just kind of, like, not really wanting to let go of that. And all of that is just, like, holding on to this, like, idea and hope and, like, because it's, like, it's super embarrassing. Like, and my ego don't like that, of course. But it's, like, from, like, I really fucking put my whole pussy into this fucking thing. And, like, nothing. Nothing. I wasted so many fucking years on this. I don't waste them. But I just am, like, I don't think it was a waste. I really don't think anything is a waste ever. Like, it's always for something, not for nothing. And, yeah, but it's, like, I feel like this has just been, like, it is at this point something that is weighing me down. Like, this is something that is not good for me. And, like, I just have to stop allowing this to fucking happen to me right now. Like, I have to stop enabling it. Because I have to stop enabling it. Otherwise it will never change. And so, yeah, that was just really fucking hard. But, yeah, blocking just seems way too permanent. And so I'm, like, I just want to be able to have this person on my social media. I only have them on one social media platform. And I think that, like, we should, like, Instagram. That should be, like, our platform. Preferred platform. Because Facebook, I'm on Facebook too much. Like, I cannot be having you on Facebook. Like, I got your fucking mom. No. But, well, anyway, like, I don't know. So, but, yeah, we don't have each other on Instagram or Facebook. Or I'm trying to think, like, I have each other on TikTok or something. I don't know. Anyway, so, yeah, I'm, like, I would preferably this person could just have my phone number and nothing else. Because I don't want to, no, I don't want to scroll past your shit and see your shit. And then, like, have to, like, I don't know, feel anything for that. Like, I don't want that to be on my mind. I want to just, like, clean fucking break. Nothing until, like, we actually got something to fucking say to each other. Like, right now, we don't. No, no, no. There's no such thing as one-way liberation. Leonard Doyle said that, but I think that someone else said that. I think she, well, I don't know. She might have said that. I don't know. Whoever said that, hell, yeah, I said that. No such thing as one-way liberation. So, it's, like, I know that this is not good for me, so this is not good for you. And I know that it's not good for them, either. I know that 1,000% for sure. And so, it's, like, if this is going to set me free, maybe it's going to set you free, too. And, like, maybe, maybe what I say is no. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. At least not right now. Not right now. This is not good. So, that fucking sucks. But I feel like I'm doing good. I feel like I'm, like, I feel confident in everything that I'm saying. Like, I feel like, yes, this makes sense. Like, this is the right thing to do. Like, I fucking know that. But, whatever. Anyway, enough about that bullshit. Yeah, just another scenario where my fucking ego is just, like, in the way. And, like, even, like, I'm trying to think. I feel like I can't think of any other scenarios now that I'm, like, trying to fucking think of them. But I don't know. I feel like my ego gets in the way because of some, like, idea that I feel like other people have of me. And, like, how I see myself, like, from, like, a different perspective, from, like, a societal, I guess, perspective. And, like, yeah. So, like, I think that's just what my ego is. And it's, like, I don't really think, like, the way that I've been in society is the way that I want to be. Like, I think I want to be, like, kind of, like, a fun outsider of society. Because I don't feel like anything, like, about me is, like, super-duper othering, I guess. I mean, not, like, from looking at me. But, I don't know. So, I'm, like, I definitely feel like that's kind of where the fun is, is outside of it. Because, like, if everyone is just in this, like, picture-perfect box, like, all of the standards of society, like, yeah. That's not really, like, creative at all. Like, you're just, like, following a fucking rule. Like, good for you. And I'm, like, I would follow a rule, but it's, like, who made this rule? Like, whose idea was this? And, like, I think I could have a better idea. And, yeah. So, I'm just doing my thing. I don't know. But, oh, wait. I think I can figure out how to, like... Oh, motherfucker. I think I just did something with my audio in a good way. Ah, shit. I think I did. Yes, I think I'm... Oh, wait, fuck. Maybe I'll put it like that. Yeah! Oh, wait, no. Oh, okay. I guess I can kind of... Oh, okay, wait. I can kind of look at it and see. Sorry. I think I'm trying to figure out, like, how loud it is. Like, I think I can... I think I... I think I did that. I think I'm doing that right now. But... Yeah. So, that's just kind of just been flowing through my mind today. But a note that Brady gave me for my podcast, because, yeah, them fucking bitches have been listening a little bit, is that I should tell more stories. And I hear that. I want to do that. I want to tell every story I've ever told in my fucking life and every story I've never told in my life. But I don't know. I'm like, I just don't really know where to start. And, like, I have a topic that contains a lot of stories, but it's, like, that's a whole category that, like, is rather dark, I guess. Like, that one is not such a fun, like, category of stories, especially, like, to start with. Like, they're interesting. Don't get me wrong. Like, I think, like, these are definitely good stories to be shared, and, like, they will be. But I'm like, I don't like... This is only the third episode. Like, I don't know you like that. So, yeah, I'm like, I don't just want to dive right in. Like, I feel like that is super dark. But I'm also like, if I did that, though, like, that would kind of be crazy. Like, I've never really seen that done. But also I've never seen a lot of things. So, like, it definitely has probably been done, but I'm just like, ugh, like... And then it's like once I start, like, I'm going to be talking for hours and hours. So it's like I'm just going to have to, like, I'm just going to have to be, like, on a day off where I can come in and just record, like, for a full fucking day. But right now, like, we're already 37 minutes in. Like, I want to try to, like, kind of stay in this, like, we're like, yeah, like a surface level kind of vibe, which I feel like I've gotten a little deep. Like, I definitely am sharing about, like, situations. Both of those were, they were, like, kind of deep. They were, like, a little deeper than surface level, but not, like, you know, like you're feeling things and you're kind of like, ooh, like, okay. Like, now it's kind of more focused in, but not, like, super, like, gut wrenching or something. I don't know. I don't know. I'm trying to think. I'm trying to think of a story I could just, like, hop into, like, real quick that's, like, not super long and that's not super, like, loaded. Hang on. Okay. I decided that I'm going to tell the story of, like, how I, like, this will be an episode kind of about this person I was just talking about, this relationship that is not doing us no good. I want to tell the story of, like, how, like, I don't know. Not, like, how we kind of are, but, like, I guess, like, how they made me feel. Like, I just feel like this person, like, when it started out, like, it was, yeah, we were just, like, platonic friends for, like, a long time. And then, I don't know, like, we started, yeah, we had a Snapchat streak and so we would talk every day and, like, yeah, platonic, platonic, and I don't know. But, like, then we would just be talking so much that I'm just kind of, like, I like the way that we talk and converse and, like, connect. And it was kind of, like, a little, like, I don't know. It was, like, mainly an online relationship, I would say. And, like, it was an in-person friendship for a while. But, like, I would say, like, the most recentness of it and, like, for the past couple years, like, it's kind of strictly been online. And that works for me because, like, I don't really, I don't know. Like, dating someone is, like, just seems, like, a lot for me. And I feel like the two years, the past two years have been, like, completely, like, literally nothing. Like, because before that, I was, like, I wasn't really dating. Like, I would here and there, but it was mostly just, like, mm-hmm. Like, there was still, like, I would entertain something sometimes. But I don't know. The past few years, I've just been, like, feeling like I need to be on this little, like, growth journey just because I've had no sense of self in any other relationship that I have been in previously. And so, at this point, like, I don't know. Like, I just feel, I feel like this isn't a story. I feel like I'm just, like, telling you about, like, this little, it's, like, kind of a long story. Like, it's been lasting for two years and I'm still currently in it. But I don't know. Yeah, I was, yeah, the past two years have been, like, cut and dry. Like, I don't have a roster. I don't have anything. Like, I literally have zero romantic candidates at all. Like, I don't, and if I go out and I meet someone, like, no, I don't. I will completely be, like, no, thank you. Like, yeah, no, not interested at all. Like, because before that, I was, like, I like to flirt. And, like, going out, like, if somebody wanted to flirt, like, I want to flirt too. But, yeah, then one day I was just, like, this ain't not working. Oh, my God. I can't tell this story about the last guy that, like, anything that I ever even hung out with. And this was, like, oh, shit. This was sometime last year, but, like, I think it was early on in the year. And I don't count this because, like, we hung out, like, three times. And, like, it was kind of, like, it was really, really confusing. Because, okay, so I was, like, at this point, like, I was so over guys my age or even, like, around my age at all. Like, I knew that was not what I wanted, but especially not then. And so for some reason, like, I was just, like, because everyone's always, like, oh, yeah, like, date older guys. Like, yeah, you just need to date older. And so I had looked. Well, first, always my age range has been, like, my age and up. And, like, I don't really want anyone younger than me. There was a point in my life that, like, there was, like, this one guy that was in my life that was younger than me for a while. But, like, yeah, never again. And that, I don't even know how that happened. Like, that was not me. So but at this point, I'll say, yeah, no younger guys for me. And even my age, yeah, then they got eliminated, too. Like, that is just not working for me. And so I had it, like, probably up to, like, 29 or something. And then even that, it was, like, I can't tell the difference between you and a guy my age. Like, you're completely behaving the exact same way. Like, there's just, like, no, that is still not working for me. So then I changed it to, like, in the 30s and stuff. And most of these people I'm only, like, exchanging a few texts on, like, a dating app or something with. And, yeah, this was, like, yeah, part of my, like, distance from men. Like, this was, like, the middle phase of, like, I was kind of done hanging out with men because it's all just kind of a waste of time. So, like, I'll still text them and, like, still kind of entertain the ideas. And, like, I'll send, yeah, a few texts. But then usually by a few texts I was just kind of, like, mm, like, no, dude, go away. And, yeah, and I don't, like, mm, well, I guess I kind of had a love-hate relationship with dating apps for a while. Because it was, like, it was fun and it kind of felt like the only way to meet people. But every single person I met on a dating app, well, I met with some cool people. But, like, no one, like, that I would want to date. Like, some of them I was, like, mm, yeah, we could be friends. And, like, one of them was really cool. I could talk about that. Anyway, let me go to the story first. Anyway, so guys in their 30s not working for me. And so I'm, like, this is really crazy. But, like, maybe I could get it to the good of you. Because as soon as I turned 18, like, I downloaded all the dating apps, all the things. And I got banned for life from Tinder. Literally because I put my bingo in my bio. And, like, yeah, I was going to be in trouble for fucking money. Because, like, I really thought, like, you could just find sugar daddies. Like, I don't know why, but I was convinced, like, it was going to be me. Because you would get, like, those random people at you on Snapchat. And they're, like, I want to be your sugar baby, like, or your sugar daddy, like, blah, blah, blah. And so, yeah, it was, like, I can definitely find a real sugar daddy on these dating apps. But, yeah, apparently you can't do that. So, yeah, she was banned for life. Thank you. Which, honestly, I was pissed off about for so long. But at this point, like, thank God, bitch. Like, Hinge, Bumble, whatever the fuck was enough. Like, no. And too much, even. And, anyway, so I'm, like, I'm just going to put it on 40. And I see this, like, guy. And he's really, like, he looked good but 40. And so we end up not seeing. And he's, like, we exchanged Snapchat. Red flag, immediately red flag. No, never, ever in my life ever asked me for my Snapchat again. Anyone, no. The answer is no. But, anyway, so we exchanged Snapchat. But his username is, like, just a few letters. Like, it's not, it's, like, his initials. It's not his actual name. And so I'm, like, okay, like, this is, like, weird. But, like, whatever. We kind of text for a few days. And, like, I'm really, really, really bad if we're actually having conversation at texting. Because I want to be able to fully interpret or, like, fully, like, take in everything you're saying. And really be able to respond with how I'm feeling and what I really want to say. And, like, really be invested in the conversation. And, but if we're just, like, fucking talking nonsense, yeah, I'm always, I can always check my phone. I'll always look at whatever writes it. But if I'm going to have to read the text and, like, feel it a little bit and really think of a response, like, that is difficult for me to find time to do that. I'm a busy gal. Anyway, so then there's, like, this one day after, like, probably a week that we, like, really get to talking. And we're deciding that we're going to hang out. But I'm at work and, like, it's just, like, it's getting late, whatever. And he was, like, 25-ish minutes away. And anyway, so we decide, he's, like, oh, well, like, I can come meet you over here by your work. Or, like, we can do this, like, blah, blah, blah. And I'm just, like, I don't really want to. Like, I want to go home and change and, like, just kind of, like, breathe for a fucking minute. Like, I don't really want to go on a date. Whenever I get off work at the end of the day, I'll grope. Like, let me get cute again. And then it was just getting, like, super late. Like, I got off work late that day. And, like, I don't know, whatever. So we're just, like, or, like, why don't we just order food? Like, I'll pick it for me. I was, like, I'll pick it up and, like, I think I was, like, what if I pick something up and, like, we just hang out? And so, yeah, he's, like, okay, like, what do you want? Like, I'll call and order from this place, blah, blah, blah. Like, you can pick it up and come over. And so I'm, like, okay, cool. So I go pick up the food. And he goes to Venmo me for it. And whenever I get to Venmo, I see his real name. And anyway, so... Oh, God. So I fucking see his name. And I come... Let's see. I come home. I change. And I'm, like, let me just, like, look him up on Facebook. He's still sexy. He's still looking good. But we happen to have a few mutuals. One of them being, or I guess probably a few, probably, like, at least two or three of them were, like, my family members. That were, like, my dad, my biological dad and his twin brother and, like, maybe another family member. I don't know. And I was just, like, oh, my God. Like, this guy is literally, like, an old man. Like, what am I doing? And so I'm, like, what in the fuck? Like, what the fuck? What the fuck? But it's, like, also my biological dad. Like, they know a lot of people. They real party men. So, like, at the club, we all fam. Like, that's the energy they give. And so, like, they just are friends with everyone on Facebook. Like, Facebook is last forever. And so I see those are mutuals. And I'm, like, okay, like, that's fucking weird. Like, he literally just paid me for food and ordered the food. And, like, I'm on my way to his house. Like, and I just now found this out. And, like, what the fuck? And so I get to his house. And at this point, like, I don't really know the plan. Like, our conversation has been completely platonic. Like, nothing, like, I don't know. Like, I don't even know if this is being considered a date. Like, to me, I'm, like, I don't know. I don't feel like I don't fucking know what the fuck is going on. Like, I cannot believe any of this is happening. I don't know what I'm doing. But here we go. And so I go out. And he, like, helps me get everything out. Oh, my God, it was so embarrassing. I was getting something out of my trunk. And I open my trunk. And then I go stand up. And I bang my head on my trunk. But he didn't see it. And so I was, like, trying to play it fucking cool. You know, I just hit my fucking forehead. Or, wait. I feel like I hit my forehead. I feel like whenever I was, like, doing something in my trunk, like, I don't know what happened. I don't think it hit me in the back of my head. I feel like that would make more sense. But I feel like it was my forehead. But, anyway, I banged the fuck out of my head somewhere. And then I was just, like, trying to, like, play it off because he didn't see it. And so I go inside. And we sit down. And, like, we're, like, getting food ready. Like, he's getting silverware and, like, drinks and everything. And we sit down. And we start talking a little bit. And we're, like, kind of, like, just talking and eating, just having dinner. And then he goes, he's, like, so, like, we've got to talk about something. And, like, so, I'm, like, yeah, like, I think you know my, like, biological dad. And we just start cracking up because as I say it, I'm, like, dude, like, what the fuck is this? Literally, what the fuck is this? It was so fucking odd. And so he's, like, who's your dad? And I was, like, do you know? Like, do you know who my dad is? Like, say his name. And he's, like, I don't know. Like, I definitely, like, know that, like, your last name is familiar. But, like, I don't know who your dad is. And so I'm, like, it's blah, blah, blah. And he's, like, okay. Like, yeah, like, I kind of know him. Like, we've definitely, like, met a few times. But, like, because then I'm, like, oh, my God, like, you know my dad. Like, how well do you know my dad? Like, are you, like, friends with my dad or something? Like, this is so weird. And so we're just, like, talking about it. And, like, the whole time, like, I am just, like, cracking up. I'm laughing so hard. Because, like, I don't know what I, like, thought. Like, I don't know. I don't think I thought any of this through or, like, really, like, processed what's going on. But, like, I'm literally realizing that I'm hanging out with someone who could literally be my dad. And who is twice my age. Like, I, like, what am I doing? Like, I don't know. I think it was all just, like, hitting me. And so I'm just cracking up because I'm, like, I have no idea. Like, dude, I have, like, this is just a joke. Like, I don't know. I was just testing it out. Like, I wasn't really going to do it, girl. Like. And so, and he's, like, laughing because I'm laughing. Like, he's kind of, like, awkward laughing a little bit. But then, like, he kind of thinks it's funny, too. And, yeah, I'm just dying. I'm sure my face is, like, like, my cheeks hurt because I'm smiling so hard. Because I'm laughing so hard. Because I'm so, like, I'm in shock. I don't know what's going on. And so, yeah, he's, like, yeah, he knows my dad. And, like, kind of, like, it's, like, kind of, like, mutual. Like, just, like, here and there. Like, they don't, like, really know each other. So I'm, like, okay, like, cool. That's funny. Like, that's cool. Like, that's, like, kind of how me and my dad are, too. Like, it's cool. Like, I don't really, like, it's not like you're going to, like, I'm not going to be, like, hey, dad, like, I'm saving your friend. Like, bring him to, like, a party. Like, no. Like, that's not really the case. So this is so funny. I'm, like, reliving it right now. I can't believe this happened. And so we're hanging out. And, like, we're just laughing and shit and eating and, like, just talking about, like, the fact that he knows my dad and, like, how, like, weird that is and, like, what is kind of, like, going through our brains with that. And anyway, like, and I don't know. At this point, like, I'm just kind of, like, I'm kind of realizing, like, this isn't really a joke anymore. Like, we're kind of like, bro, what the fuck are you doing? Like, this was, like, funny for the gag, but, like, now, like, what is going on? And so I'm just, like, trying to play it cool. Like, I think we were drinking a little bit. So I was, like, yeah, yeah, I haven't eaten at all. Yeah, you got me a whole pack of Cayman Jacks. Thank you. And so we're just drinking and hanging out. Like, it's still fun. It's innocent. And then the night progresses. We share a kiss, I guess. And then let's see. Oh, I did end up spending the night because I didn't have work the next day and, like, I don't want to drive home after drinking. And I don't know. Like, he seemed, like, just literally a dad. Like, I don't know. I mean, I guess that doesn't really mean anything. Like, that could still be dangerous. But I didn't really feel threatened by this man, which I will say I've definitely put myself in a lot of, like, risky situations that, like, I wouldn't do at this point in my life. But I don't know. I was, like, everyone, like, I had told everyone where I'm going and everyone has my location. Like, everyone knows his name. Like, they found his Facebook, too. And, like, everybody knows what's going on. So I'm, like, I feel, like, fine. And so, yeah, I spent the night. He has a giant bed and, like, I don't know. Like, I was just, like, sometimes I'm a cuddler. Like, I thought I loved cuddling. But cuddling with him was just, like, I don't know. I wasn't really feeling it. So we didn't, like, cuddle to go to sleep or anything. Like, I think we just, like, kind of, like, I don't think we were touching at all. But anyway, then, yeah, he woke up because he had work the next day. And he was, like, you can just stay here. Like, I don't care. I don't, like, what the fuck? Like, you're letting me stay at your house? Like, why you go to work the first time we met? Like, this is odd. I would not do this. But, like, whatever. Like, I think. I'm not fucking waking up. He had to wake up, like, I don't know, early. But, yeah, it was my day off. So I'm sleeping in. And so, yeah, I sleep in. And then I wake up. And I'm, like, what the fuck? And so, I take, like, a little bit of a house tour. I don't know. I don't know. Like, empty houses just scare me a little bit. So, like, I just looked with my eyes a little bit. Like, I didn't, like, open any, like, doors. Well, I don't know. I don't think I opened any doors. Like, I just think I kind of, like, walked around. Like, looked at the kitchen. Like, looked at the living room. Looked at his room. Looked at the bathroom. Like, scanned the premises. This sounds creepy, but I don't know. Because I feel like if I'm at your house, I want a house tour. I don't care, like, if I'm at a party and I go to someone's house, like, give me a house tour, bro. I want to see. I'm trying to think. Like, we have this friend, Ayush, and every time he has a party, like, he has his own house. And so the first time we went, I was like, yeah, house tour. And he gave me a full house tour. And that's the standard, bitch. If I'm coming over, show me the whole house. So, yeah. But I did not get a full house tour at this man's house. I just, like, looked with my eyes and did not open any closed doors. And, yeah, then I was like, okay, like, I guess I'm going to leave. And then, yeah, I was like, okay, like, that was kind of fun. That was kind of weird. Like, I don't really know, like, what is going on. And, anyway, so then out of, like, another, like, few days go by, I don't think a full week. I think it was a little less, like, probably, like, four or five days. And, yeah, then he invites me over again. And I'm like, okay, but, like, next time I'm going to go, like, out. Like, I don't want to keep coming over. And so I come over that time, the second time. And we hang out. That one was fun. Like, we ended up sitting on the porch outside, hanging out for a while. And that was nice. I love being outside. So, like, that was my vibe. And, yeah, I like this porch. And so we've been out there for a while and just kind of talked and hung out. And then we go inside and we're sitting on the couch and we kind of start talking again. And then he was like, so, like, what's, like, the oldest you've ever been with? And I'm like, um, and I just start busting out laughing again. And he's like, come on, like, you can tell me, like, I don't care. And I'm like, I'm literally trying to think because, like, I've never done this before. And so I'm thinking and then I'm like, okay, like, whenever I was 20, like, I was with a 24-year-old. And so, like, that was the oldest I've ever been. And, like, that was just, like, obviously, like, not, like, really what he meant. Like, because he was, like, twice my age. This kid was, like, four years older than me. Like, not even a full four years older than me. And so, like, then I just start crugging up. And he's like, oh, my God. Like, that is nothing like this. Like, I'm old as fuck. Like, what are you doing? Like, what are you doing? Like, why did you set your, like, dating hours to 40? And I'm, like, I'm just busting out laughing. Like, I don't even know what to say. I don't know what to do. Like, I'm literally just having, like, a laughing attack. Like, I'm cracking fucking up. And so, anyway, like, I'm like, I don't know. Like, I finally catch my breath and I'm like, I don't know, dude. Like, this was just kind of a joke. Like, I just, like, was tired of dating guys my own age. And so I just, like, wanted to, like, try it out. And then I just decided to be, like, really fucking crazy and change it to fucking 40. And, like, I don't know. Like, I mean, like, you were hot, I guess. But, like, I don't really know. Like, I don't know what I'm doing here. And I'm like, what about you? And, yeah, his was, like, I don't know. Like, I think I was, like, probably, like, a maybe 10-year age gap or something. But this is, like, let's see. This was last year. So I was 21 and he was 40. So, yeah, a 19-year age gap is a little bit crazy. Is that right? That's right. Yeah, 19. So, yeah, we're just, like, laughing and, like, I don't know. I'm just, like, yeah, like, I don't really know what I'm doing. And so we get to talking about that a little bit and I'm just, like, yeah, like, I don't know what I'm doing here. Because, like, I don't know if I really want a full, like, relationship. But, like, I definitely am not, like, hookup culture is, like, not my thing. Not for me. So, like, I don't really know. Like, I guess I just, like, kind of want to meet people or something. And, like, at this point, like, you know, he's 40. So, like, he's talking to a 21-year-old. Like, A, he either just wants to hookup or, like, B, like, he wants to consistently hookup. Like, our brains are not the same at all. Because as we talk, like, it's kind of weird because it's, like, I'm, like, I literally, like, feel like you're my dad. Like, I don't feel like, like, we have some common ground. And, like, we did have, like, some, like, some sort of connection in some ways. Like, we were, like, there was some good banter for a while. But I don't know. Like, I guess kind of the whole time in the back of my mind I was just kind of, like, like, yeah, girl, what are you doing here? So, yeah, we ended up, I think we kissed again that night. And then I spent the night again that night. And then, or no, I don't know. I want to say I didn't because I think I did have work the day after this. But I think I just went home. Oh, no, I didn't. Because then we were, like, we went and I spent the night. And then, like, we were cuddling for a while. And then I was, like, I just don't want to go. Like, I just, I don't know. I don't know why because I typically like cuddling. But I don't know. Like, I guess I just did not like cuddling with him or something. And so, yeah, we ended up just kind of laying there and talking. And I don't know. Maybe we were watching something. I have no idea. But I think I fell asleep, like, I don't know. I think I fell asleep maybe while we were talking or something. But, yeah, then I woke up the next day. I went home. And then we were just kind of, like, yeah. Like, I don't know. And then we didn't talk again. But I think that's so funny. I'm, like, I cannot believe I hung out with a fucking 40-year-old. Like, that is fucking wild. But, yes, I did, Mama. Mm-hmm. And what, okay, let's rate it. I would rate the experience, like, a 6.5 out of 10 because it was fun. Maybe, like, a 7.5 out of 10 because, A, he was hot. B, like, it was kind of fun. Like, yes, it was, like, kind of weird. And, like, yeah, I was always kind of, like, he could literally be my dad. But it was, like, aside from that, like, this was kind of fun. Like, it's, like, we kind of have, like, some similar, like, experiences. But, like, two completely different perspectives. And it was, like, kind of funny, like, just to, like, hear each other's versions of life. And, yeah, like, I don't really know what he was looking for. Like I said, like, probably just a hookup from me. But, yeah, that and then my thing, which I made that clear way before. So, and he still wanted to hang out those times after, yeah, that was very clear. But, and he was cool with it. So, maybe not. I don't really know what he wanted out of it. But I feel like I got what I wanted. Like, that was fun. That was cool. But, like, yeah, this was good. Two times, yeah, good. Being a little kid, it's, like, oh, my God, like, I kissed a fucking, I'm not a little kid. Like, we probably made out. We did make out. But, and not, I think I kind of just expected, like, if you're 40 years old, like, you probably, like, have some experience or something. Like, I don't really know. I think I had a lot of ideas, like, halfway, like, not expectations, but, like, I think I was just, like, played with the idea that I was just, like, yeah, the older the better. Like, and, like, in every way, I think, like, I don't know. Just because the guys my age were just so far from it that I was, like, maybe let me just go so far from that and check it out and, like, compared to other guys, I would say there was some type of a difference. Like, except for, like, the dad vibes. But, like, aside from that, like, there really wasn't any crazy difference in a guy my age. Except... I don't really know. But, yeah, that is that story. And there was another story I was going to tell, but we're already an hour and ten minutes in. But I'm, like, I guess I don't really have a set time on how long I want them to be, because I have another story that I want to tell about this other guy from a dating app. And I want to tell you about all the guys from all the dating apps, because I had, I used to have, like, phases, and it would be, like, every few months, I would just be, like, okay, fuck it, like, let me just go on a few dates, test it out again, and then it's, like, every time I did that, I would go on, like, three or four dates, and it would all suck, and then I would be, like, yeah, this is why I don't do this. Then I would get off dating apps for a few months, and then I would eventually get back on, and then I would go on a few dates, and then I would be, like, yep, this is why I don't do this. And so now, let's see, I deleted all dating apps off my phone. I still have my profiles, but I just deleted them off my phone for, like, kind of a fat minute, and then I downloaded Hinge, like, a couple months ago, and yeah, then I was like, fuck this. And so I got on, and I, like, went through some of the people that had liked me, and then I was like, yeah, no, fuck this app. And so I got back off, and then, yeah, that's kind of it. But anyway, in one of those times, I had went on, I had been texting this one guy, and, like, me, like, I don't know, like, this is probably not super-duper safe, but I'm like, I just want to meet up, like, I don't really want to, like, take this time, get to know each other over the phone, like, I'm not good at that, like, let's just, like, meet up in person, and, like, then we can just, like, kind of, like, I feel like over the phone, A, if I'm scrolling through a dating app, I'm judging you off of, like, what you look like and what you do day-to-day, like, what your fucking profile says, like, that's not really you, like, I don't know. I feel like a few pictures of me and a little, like, prompt is kind of, like, no. Like, that does not fucking do me justice. Like, let's just, like, hang out, like, we can see, like, I don't know. I feel like you still kind of judge looks in person, but definitely less than you do on a dating app, and so, like, in person, that's, like, not the focus. Where a dating app, pictures are the main focus. So, it's, like, yeah, in person, it's more about, like, our vibe, and, like, we can really, like, just, like, talk and see if we can really, like, have good conversation or, like, I don't know. I don't know if I believe in, like, the sparks, like, feeling the fucking, I don't know, like, love at first sight or whatever the fuck, like, I don't know about that, but, like, I think you can definitely, like, read someone's vibes and, like, kind of, like, get a better hint if you would like them in person because then you're not just having the fucking standardized text. Because if you're texting, especially from a dating app, it's, like, hey, hey, how are you, good, how are you, good, how's your day going, what are you doing, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, this is stupid, blah, blah, blah, what do you do for work, all the bullshit, and it's, like, I don't care about any of that shit. Like, let's hang out, let's, like, go on a walk or something and, like, or, like, go and eat or, like, I don't know, like, yeah, something public and, like, let's just, like, vibe or not vibe, like, let's just check it out. And, yeah, so, anyway, I'm texting this one guy for a few days and then he's, like, I'm gonna say his name, I think that's allowed because I'm not, like, saying anything bad. No, I'm not, just in case, but his name was funny, he had a cool name, I never heard it before. But, anyway, so, we decide that we're gonna go on a date and so he comes and takes me up from my house and takes me to fucking, um, oh my god, I forgot how, like, this story, I just remembered another crazy detail. But, anyway, he picks me up and takes me to this little place that's, like, I don't know what it's called, but it's, like, on the lake and so you're by the water, you can sit on the patio, super cute, super fun, and, yeah, we decide that we wanted to go there because we, yeah, decided we're gonna go eat and I was, like, I just want somewhere, like, with a patio and a drink, like, that's, that's best. I just, and, like, and so then we're talking about outside and I'm, like, ooh, like, something, like, by the water would be crazy, but, like, I don't know where the fuck. But, somehow, he heard of this place, which I've heard of it, like, my mom actually, or my stepdad, like, I think that was their first date or, like, one of their first dates or something. Anyway, so we end up at this place and we sit down and we get to talking and we're having a pretty good conversation and at some point on this date, like, I looked at this one person that was just, like, at, like, fucking the only other table outside, like, this other group of people, and I knew this guy and I'm, like, um, like, I don't know, I just kind of, like, looked at him, I noticed him and I was just, like, okay, like, I don't know, like, I didn't think anything of it, I did not think I knew the person. Anyway, so, I'm on this date with him and we're talking, we're having fun, and then we decide, like, um, I think that we were going to go swimming, yeah, I think we went swimming. And so, yeah, we left, we went swimming, and we just kind of hung out for a while, and then, um, we hang out for a little bit, um, just sitting in the car talking, and then the, oh, okay, so this is what happened, we go to eat and then we wanted to go swimming, so we had to go back to my house to go get my swimsuit and then back to, like, where she lives, and he, like, first of all, he came and drove, like, 20 minutes to my house, picked me up, we drove, like, 30 minutes to go eat, we drove 30 minutes back to my house, and then we were going, like, 20 minutes back to, um, his neighborhood, he lives with his parents, and so, like, they have, like, the, like, pool in the neighborhood, like, the community pool or whatever. And so we went to that, and so whenever we went home to get my swimsuit, I drove my own car and went to the pool place, to the pool, and then after that, yeah, we split ways, and so we sat in the car and talked for a while, and then left, and then, like, after that, like, we talked a little bit, but he was going on vacation, and, um, I don't know, like, after that, he, I don't know, like, he just, like, was acting kind of weird and, like, kind of stopped talking to me, but then was, like, kind of texting me, and so I don't really know, I don't think there was, like, official, like, breaking up at all, like, we just, like, or maybe there was, I feel like there was, because, like, I remember, like, I was mad at him the next time we spoke, but, yeah, I don't know. So maybe there was something, and, like, we stopped talking, and, like, something bad unhappened. Oh, yeah, because then, okay, then a few weeks go by, and we don't talk, and then one, like, day at, like, 3 o'clock or something, he calls me, and I don't answer, and then he texts me, and he's like, call me, like, I have something for you. And so I'm like, what the fuck? And so I call him, and he's like, hey, like, what are you doing tonight? And I was like, um, like, I don't know, what do you mean? Like, what do you want? And he was like, well, one of my friends, like, invited me out to his lake house at, um, this lake, and it was, like, two hours away, I think. Let me look that up, because I don't know. Um. Oh, an hour and 45 minutes. So, anyway, he's like, my friend's having this, like, little, like, get-together, and, like, invited me to his lake house, and he said I could bring someone if I wanted, and so, like, I wanted to see if you wanted to go. Like, I feel like you would be down for that, because, like, we were both, like, I don't know. Our date was honestly, like, a lot of fun, but, like, in a fun way. Like, I don't feel like there was really, like, a romantic or, like, sexual tension or anything. Like, I just feel like we were, like, had, like, common interests and were, like, both kind of, like, adventurous and, like, kind of, like, spur of the moment, like, impulse kind of people, I guess. And so, yeah, that's why he thought of me to, like, call me for this, and he's like, this is super last minute. Like, it's, like, an hour and, like, 45 minutes away, but, like, if you want to go, like, he said we can. Like, you can just go to the lake house and hang out and, like, drink and fuck around and, like, it'll just be fun. And I'm like, I have work tomorrow. Like, I have to be here at 11. And he's like, no worries, like, I'll pick you up, I'll drive you out there, and I'll drop you off at work tomorrow. And I'm like, are you serious? Like, I have to be up at work, and if it's an hour and 45 minutes, like, we're going to have to leave at, like, 9 and, like, probably before 9 so we can make sure we get here on time. Like, I, like, you know, that's early in the morning, and it's, like, kind of, like, far just to go for, like, the night. And he's like, no, it's fine, like, I don't care, it'll be fine, I'll pick you up at, like, 5 or something. And so I'm just like, I mean, fuck it, I guess, like, that sounds like fun and, like, free lake house, like, free trip to the lake, baby, I'm down. A lake, that's my favorite fucking word, like, get me on a boat, get me on the lake, I don't even need a boat, just the water, like, that's all I want. And so, anyway, he comes, he picks me up, I get in the car, and I'm just like, fuck you, like, I just want to let you know loud and clear, like, I'm only coming because we're going to a lake house, like, I don't like you. And, which was very harsh, but, like, it was true, like, at least I was not leaving him on, there was no, like, miscommunication, like, I told him, like, I'm here to fucking party, like, I don't want you, this is, like, fuck you. And he's like, let me explain, let me explain, like, please let me explain, and he's like, well, I went on vacation, and, like, we ended up, like, running into my ex-girlfriend, like, her and her family were also there, and, like, I don't know, something fucking stupid, he's like, our families went to dinner together, or, like, she came to dinner with my family, or I went to dinner with her family, or something about fucking family dinner, bitch. And, so, and he's like, and then, like, I just, like, got really, like, confused, because, like, that was, like, a super difficult, like, that was a super, like, emotional relationship for me, and so I just, like, kind of, like, fell back into it, but, like, I know that, like, I really want her, like, that's not really good for me, but, I don't know. And, so, I'm just, like, what the fuck, like, you're not over your ex, so, no. Like, this ain't not gonna work. And, I don't know, obviously, we were in the car for almost two hours, so, like, we go back and forth, and, like, I don't know, I'm, like, pissed off, and my feelings are hurt, and it's just, like, dude, like, you're not emotionally available, like, you're literally, like, not around me. You're not over your ex, clearly. And, I don't know, so, we're just, like, I don't know, I'm, like, we can just, like, see how tonight goes, but, like, right now, like, no, like, I don't fucking want you, like, you literally caused all this drama for no fucking reason, and you're not over your fucking ex, like, that is the biggest red flag ever, so, whatever. And, then, oh, my God, this is so fucking messy of me. I can't believe I did this. This is, I'm not one of the girls that, like, wants paybacks, like, I don't want to go fuck your friend after, but, I don't know, we go all over, and we're all hanging out, and it's, like, him and his friends and me, and we're all just hanging out, and, like, one of the guys, like, we're just, like, I don't know. It's innocent, but, like, we just kind of, like, hit it off, and, so, I'm just, like, kind of talking to him, but I'm also kind of talking to the guy that brought me there, because, like, obviously, you, like, brought me with you here, like, I guess I'm, like, with you or something, but, I don't know, like, I made it clear, I was, like, you know, like, I don't want you, I'm only here because we're going to the lake, and, I don't know, like, I wasn't completely closed off, but I was, like, mm, like, yeah, fuck you. And, I don't know, so, I ended up, yeah, like, kind of, like, talking to one of his friends, too, not, like, flirting or anything, just literally talking to him, and, I don't know, like, I was just, like, mm, like, I don't really fucking know what I'm doing, like, I don't really like any of y'all, but I'm at the lake, so, I guess I gotta have fun, because I ain't got no other option. So, we hang out, whatever, the next morning, we wake up, it was a lot of fun, like, we went, like, I think they, like, I don't know, they, like, worked something, like, some part of the area, we went to go in, like, some little place that they worked in, and, like, they got this little, like, house and shit, and it was a lot of fun, and we, like, drove around on, like, a, um, like, golf cart or something, I think, I don't know, it was fun. Oh, no, we didn't, oh, my God, this is dumbass, I was, like, we drove through a golf cart, and I was thinking that, because I remember we, like, drove through the woods a little bit, no, bitch, we got in this little yeehaw boy truck, and went and drove through the woods at the lake, like, in his truck, like, not on a pathway, literally just fucking flying through, like, the fucking woods, like, hoodrat fucking shit, I don't know what we're doing. And, yeah, because I remember all the fucking trees hitting his truck, and I'm, like, dude, this shit is, like, fucking your shit up, but, like, whatever, and, like, that kind of shit, like, I don't know, that kind of shit scares me, like, I don't trust any of you motherfuckers with my life, especially, like, this young, like, I don't like being in the car, like, with reckless drivers, and this isn't really reckless, this is just stupid, like, yeah, we're in the woods by ourselves, like, it's probably fine, but you're fucking up your car, and, like, just, like, why are we doing this, like, what the fuck? And, anyway, yeah, then we go back to the house, and then we drink, and then, like, hang out, like, maybe there's a fire or something, I don't know, fun-ass little lake night, and then the next morning we wake up, homeboy takes me to work, oh my god, and I was, like, late to work, because, okay, so, let's see, originally I was scheduled for 11 o'clock, but the night, the day before, oh my god, but the day before, before he had asked me, my manager texted me and was, like, hey, can you come in 30 minutes early, like, blah, blah, blah, called in or something, and, like, just so we have enough time, and I'm, like, yeah, I can come in early, and so, I guess I had to be there at 1030, and so, yeah, I was with him, whatever, oh my god, and we fucking got pulled over, bro, yes, we were on our way there, and we got pulled over, he was speeding, I forgot about that, oh my god, yeah, we get pulled over, and the cop, it was a motorcycle cop, too, and luckily, you know what was impressive, and I'll give all the credit to this man, he was really respectful to a cop, and, like, I'm not the biggest fan of a cop, but people who are just, like, straight up just, like, disrespectful and, like, just out blatantly being an asshole, like, I don't know, if they're doing it to be cool like that, I don't like that, but, because I've had situations where it's, like, the cops were not an asshole until you were a fucking asshole, so, I'm not, I don't know, I just, like, if I get pulled over, like, I'm not just a fucking asshole as soon as, like, I roll my window down, so, I don't know, and I feel like some people in my life have been like that, so, the fact that this guy was just, like, you know, like, he was speeding, he wasn't the wrong, and so, like, he talked to the cop, and, like, whatever, and, yeah, the cop ended up letting us go with, like, a warning or something, yeah, he was just speeding, but I think he was speeding, like, a lot, but the cop was just like, oh, yeah, like, y'all aren't from around here, and, yeah, he was like, we're not from here, like, I'm so sorry, like, I thought it was just this, like, I'm just, like, I'm trying to get her to work, like, blah, blah, blah, whatever, whatever, and, yeah, we just got a warning, and we went on, and so, then, I ended up being not the 30 minutes early that my manager asked me to be, but actually, for, I got there by the time, like, I was scheduled for, and I come in, and, like, being late, like, scares the fuck out of me, it's, like, full-blown, like, fucking panic attack or something, like, I'm losing my mind, I'm so stressed, I'm so, like, I'm, like, fucked, like, it fucked up my entire day, and I, like, I'm crying, like, I don't know, I'm, like, I'm so sorry, like, I didn't mean to do this, like, I don't know, being late just feels like the end of the world to me a little bit, but that was definitely an unhealthy relationship that I had with being late, so, now, I'm, like, I really try to just be, like, you know what, there's literally nothing you can do, like, except it, and, like, just let everyone know, and just, like, get there safely, like, it's not fucking worth it, and, yeah, I don't know, but that's always something, like, even when I was in school, if I was late, like, if I overslept or something, like, full-on fucking losing my shit, but, anyway, so, I get to work, and I walk in, and I'm, like, holy crap, like, I'm so sorry, like, we thought this was over, and then it was this, and, like, I was literally gonna be here all the time, like, I'm so sorry, like, I just, like, spontaneously took a little, like, road trip with my own boy, like, I don't know what I was doing, and my manager's, like, calm down, like, and she knows, like, I'm fucking, like, she knows I'm freaking out, because, like, she didn't know me, and she's, like, it's okay, like, you still got here, like, this is the time you were scheduled for, like, you know, I just asked you, like, an extra favor, and, like, you know, if you could have done it, but if you would have said no, like, it was fine, obviously, like, you know, you weren't scheduled for this time, whatever, so I'm, like, okay, like, thanks, and I'm, like, literally on the, she's just trying to get me to, like, not cry, she's, like, come on, Brittany, don't cry, like, it's okay, so I'm, like, I'm sorry, like, I can't help it, I feel so bad, blah, blah, blah, and all this little stupid shit, so, anyway, it ends up being fine, and then, after that, I, yeah, I don't think that we really talked after that, I think, like, that was kind of it, because I know he was going away to college in, like, a few months, so, like, maybe that was just it, but, yeah, I don't know, so we didn't end up talking. Then, a few months later, the guy that was his friend from the lake house added me on Snapchat, and I'm, like, I thought I recognized the name, but I was, like, I don't know why, like, this sounds familiar, but, like, I don't know, so I added him back, and then we texted, he, like, sent a picture of himself, it's on Snapchat, and I was, like, are you, blah, blah, blah, and he's, like, yes, and we ended up texting a little bit, and then, um, oh, yeah, we did hang out once, god, I hope this doesn't, like, ruin our friendship, like, I don't know, like, is that trauma, because, like, we weren't ever a thing. And you fucking weren't over your ex, so why was this a crime? But, like, let him shoot himself. I think he came over once, and, yeah, I think we just, like, watched a movie or something, and then he left, and that was that. I have no idea. I don't know. But, either way, both of those experiences, like, they were fun, but I don't think I was, like, romantically attracted to either of them, like, I think it was just, like, yeah, let's go to the lake, like, it was fun, they were more, like, bros, like, I don't know, not, like, frat boy bros, but, like, just, like, country boy bros. Like, I was, like, yeah, like, come on, boys, like, let's go to the bonfire, like, that was the vibe, not, like, I wanna date you or kiss you or something. So, yeah, that was that. Oh, and then, oh, my God. So, remember earlier, I was, like, and I was at this, whenever we went to the restaurant, I, like, noticed this other guy. So, then, a few days later, that guy that I noticed at the, whenever I was on a date with this guy, he texted me, and he was, like, what, you're just gonna pretend, like, you don't know who I am? And I was, like, what? And he was, like, I saw you on a date with that little ugly boy the other day, like, you looked right at me, and I was, like, oh, my God, like, I'm so sorry, like, I, like, did not know that was you, like, I don't, I'm so sorry, like, yeah, I did not, like, put two and two together, like, I didn't realize that was you, like, I don't, and I'm, like, also, like, that guy, like, that is not a thing. So, don't have to talk shit about him. Anyway, and this guy, um, he's cool. We actually, so, let's see, I know him from, I think from the dating app, as well, and, yeah, one time, um, yeah, we had, I think we had only text per day, and then he was, like, I'm having some friends over tonight, if you want to come over, and so I'm, like, yeah, and so I go over there, and it was actually so much fun. I played darts. We were just hung out in the garage, and, yeah, I don't know, I'm a girl that gets invited to fucking boys night or something, because I got at the lake house, like, that was fucking all the bros, and this, like, I don't know, we literally hung out in the garage, and we played darts, and, um, yeah, I don't, yeah, no. We kissed, too, but that was, I don't know if that was it. Um, I don't know, but, yeah, we hung out one time, and then, I think that was it, and then, after he recognized me and everything, like, whenever we talked, then, um, like, we didn't really keep in contact, but we kept each other on social media, and so, then, like, I think, like, a few months later or something, after that, we, like, after that, we ended up hanging out again, and I went and spent the night over there. Um, I had work the next day, but, I don't know, he just invited me to spend the night, and, you know what? A bitch loves sleepovers. I love sleepovers. So, yeah, I went over there, and he had just got a new puppy, and I don't remember what her name is. I don't know. It's something like, I was like, what the fuck did you just say? Is it Rue? Is that Rue? Um, I don't know what his dog's name is, but she was so cute, and she literally laid in between us the whole night, and I was like, yes, girl, you get it, like, I don't know, and some people, a lot of my life have always called me a cheese, but I'm like, I don't feel like, like, what makes you think I want to have sex with you? Like, what part of me is giving, like, lit fucks? Like, no. Like, zero. I'm here to have a slumber party, girlfriend, like, say my name! No. But, I don't know, like, I don't know, I go into all these, like, any of these situations that I'll talk about on here that, like, yeah, they'll get super, like, dark and sad and, like, I don't know, weird, I guess, but, like, I don't know. I just want to say, I go into any of these situations, and I'm, like, literally thinking that this is, like, genuine, and, like, we not fucking, like, that never is something in my book, that's never on my, like, what I want to do, that's not on my plans for the night, my plan, because whenever people ask me if I want to have a sleepover, like, I'm literally, like, thinking, like, yeah, we're having a sleepover, like, we're going to, like, get some snacks, we're going to watch some movies, we're going to hang out. We're going to yap, we're going to, like, play with your fucking dog, bro, like, I don't know, I'm never, like, if a guy invites me to sleepover, like, I'm not thinking we fucking, which, obviously, I know a lot of people do, like, hookup culture, hello, but I feel like I always, I 1000%, I'm not going to say I feel like I do, I know that I do, I always make myself 100% clear that, like, hookup culture is not my thing, like, I'll, like, I like to kiss a little bit, but, like, don't, like, touch me, like, but I make that clear, so you literally can't call me a tease, because, bitch, like, read the notes, I said we not doing this, so, don't act like you didn't know that, bitch, but he didn't do that, I'm just saying, like, yeah, the dog slept between us the whole night, and we literally just yapped, like, that was a bomb ass sleepover, he got the vibe, okay, like, he was not thinking we was fucking, I literally went over to his house, I had work the next day, and, yeah, we just were, like, catching up, because we hadn't hung out in, like, years, and, yeah, I don't know, and, so, yeah, I went over there, and, you know what we did, we got some snacks, we watched some movies, we talked, and we played with this fucking dog, that was a fucking slumber party, bitch, and, yeah, then I left the next day, went to work, and, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know,
