boys pt

The speaker reflects on past experiences and shares personal stories from 6th and 7th grade. They mention receiving inappropriate pictures from a classmate, being accused of snitching, experiencing confusion about PDA, and getting into a relationship with someone who caused trouble. The speaker also mentions their mother's disapproval of their boyfriend and their own reluctance to break up with him. They express regret over discarding sentimental items and reflect on their teenage perspective. Okay, well, I figured, why wait? Why not just start recording again right now? Just gonna hold some space. I love you. We're back. I... Last episode was a lot, okay? A lot of those things I've not shared with, like, hardly anyone. But they're just things that I'm thinking about more differently now that I think have had a bigger impact on me than I thought. So, yeah, that was just some of that, and I'm like, I'm not... At some point, like, one of these people will hear my experience of them, and... That is so weird to me. I don't know what I'm feeling about that. Just, yeah, because I live in a small town, and, yeah, once I start posting on YouTube, my subscribers are gonna get notified, and they're my people from my hometown, and once one of them knows, they're all gonna know. So... Yeah, if you listen to this and I'm talking about you... I don't know. Hi, I guess. I don't know what to say. Yeah, things are weird when you look back on them. So, yeah, we got all the way up to 6th grade, and there's also something else that happened in 6th grade that I forgot to say. Was that there was this other kid who was in 1th grade above me, and he was, like... I don't even know who he was. I don't remember ever liking him or wanting attention from him. And... Yeah, I don't know, like, one day he just started sending me random dick pics, and everyone else, too, and we would all be like, what the fuck? And so everyone was talking about it, because everyone was seeing his fucking weenie. And so I told my mom, and some of my friends, like... Me and some of my friends told my mom. And so my mom told, like, another one of the parents. And... Like, they decided they were gonna go to the school and see what they could do. I don't know if anything ever got done about that. I don't know what happened, but I do remember being called a snitch, and I was mad at my mom for saying anything, which is, like, insane, because now, like... Shout out, mom. Like, you were trying to protect me. But, whatever. That was a weird time. That person, yeah, we'll pop back up in a story later about... something violent, okay? Anyway. All those being said... Um... Yeah, everything that's ever happened to me has... made me who I am today, so, I don't know. I mean, it's not like I can change it. So, yeah, you just learn to live with it. Um... Okay. A lot happened in sixth grade, so I have another one that I'm gonna say, too. Well, I... there was this guy at the water park over the summer that, um, I don't... I think, maybe this was the summer between sixth and seventh grade. I'm not sure. But, there was this guy who was at the water park, and, like, me and my friends were going to the water park probably every day. Like, we had the little season passes, and, yeah, we would just go to the water park and hang out. So, we ended up... and there was also these guys that did that, and so we ended up becoming friends with them, because we were all at the water park every single day, and it was, like, a small water park. Like... Yeah, we saw each other every single day. And there was, like, the bleachers. Like, there was a little auditorium. Um... Is that what it's called? That's not what it's called. Hey, Mom. What is that called? Um, oh, the natatorium? An auditorium? An auditorium? Yeah. Isn't that where, like, the indoor, like, pool? Yeah. Oh. Okay. Sorry. I was... I couldn't think of that word, and I just said auditorium, and I was like, that is not the right word. Auditorium. Yeah, yeah. No, the auditorium is a... theater. Oh, yeah, the amphitheater type. Yeah. But, yeah, I couldn't think of the word, but, yeah, an auditorium. I thought of it as soon as you answered. Okay. I love you. Love you. Bye. Bye. Shout out, Mom. Shout out, Mom. She's in the podcast. I couldn't think of that word. I paused it, and I was like, it's not auditorium. Like, that's not the right word. Um... But, anyway. So, the natatorium. And there was, like, these bleachers at the top. And this is where me and my friends would put our stuff. Because, like, they had lockers, but you had to pay for that. So, yeah. The options were, like, on a table outside. A random table, because we were gonna put our stuff down and leave it. Or these bleachers. And so we would put our stuff up there. And, yeah. So, with these boys. And there was, like, bathrooms and stuff up there. Like, showers. And, I don't know, we would hang out with these boys. And one day... And, like, we were, like, talking, I guess. Not in a relationship, but, like, we were talking. So, we would, like, hold hands and, like, sit in a lazy river together. Like, I don't know. And... Yeah, I don't know. I remember one time we were holding hands and, like, sitting beside each other in the pool. Um, like, on the steps. And we got in trouble for PDA. And I was like, oh, what the fuck. And, I don't know. I was so confused about that. I was like, oh, okay. Like, I didn't really know what that was. I thought it was weird. And then, he was like, oh, like, that's okay. Like, we can go to the showers. And I was like, what? And this boy's, like, trying to get me to go to the showers with him. And I was like, no. And he's like, yeah, come on, come on. And I'm like, I don't think I'm gonna do that. Like, I'm... Yeah, I don't think we should do that. That's a good idea. And, yeah, he was trying to get me to go there. And so, yeah, anyway, that was really weird. Like, I don't know. I didn't know why he wanted me to go in the bathroom. But I was like, we can't do that. Like, we're not allowed. And, yeah, so, we didn't do that. But, I don't know. That was a small experience. But, like, I don't know. That was just one guy that, like, I think that was so weird. Like, looking back on it now, I'm like, what were you thinking? Like, I don't know. I was, like, oblivious. Like, I didn't know what he wanted me to go to the bathroom for. Anyway. So, yeah, that was all, like, 6th grade. And 7th grade. Okay, now... Fuck this. We're gonna get deep into 7th grade. So, drink some water first. Okay. Let me get my fidget. I'm being fucked with. Um, okay, so... 7th grade. So, yeah, whenever we left off was 6th grade when my boyfriend read my love letter to him begging him to stay with me out loud to the football locker room and then all of them were, like, quoting my love letter to me, making fun of me. And the slut-shaming and my nudes have gone around twice at this point. And I'm in 7th grade. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Okay, so, 7th grade. There's a boy who's in 8th grade and I don't know... Oh, he had a cousin that was in my grade and his cousin had a, like... I don't know. He, like, had a crush on me but he was, like, super weird about it. Like, I don't know, like, but they lived by me and so, like, one of them, I don't know if it was their dad, but my cousin would always yell out the truck window and he's like, Carter has a crush on you! I'd be like, okay, like, Carter would be sitting in the car, like, crying pretty much. He's like, oh my god, shut up, shut up. Anyway, and I would just be like, huh, like, thanks. And I don't know, so me and Carter, like, rarely talked individually but I saw him every day because his dad would be yelling out the window that he likes me. Anyway, and so, yeah, Carter had a cousin. Ted, that we talked about a few episodes ago. Oh, fucking Ted. Anyway, so, I, yeah, I don't really know how I got into a relationship with Ted but I... I don't know, this was, like, my first real, like, boyfriend, I guess. And we, yeah, dated for a while and I, oh, oh, because my friend, my best friend at this time, who was one of those girls that I've mentioned a couple times and has, like, was getting attention from the boys as well, and me and her were really close at this point and her boyfriend was friends with Ted. And so, yeah, then me and Ted started dating and we, he came to my house, like, three times but my mom did not like him. She did not want me dating him. She wanted me to break up with him so many times and I was like, Mom, I love him. Like, I don't really know what she knew. I don't know why she thought that. I call her back. No. I don't know why she thought that but she always wanted me to break up with him and so I'd be like, no, I'm not breaking up with him. Which, yeah, I mean, he was getting in trouble, like, I think he was, like, smoking weed at this point and, like, I don't know, like, he was always, like, skipping school and in the principal's office and, like, whatever, whatever. So, I guess that's probably what, I don't know how much my mom knew of that and, like, that's why she wanted me to break up with him but because my mom would substitute sometimes and so yeah, I don't know. That's funny. But, um, yeah, so I don't really know like what her perspective is on all this. We haven't talked a lot about this but anyway, we're dating and at first it's great. I love him. I'm obsessed with him and, uh, yeah, then, like, little things will come up like sometimes I'll get mad, like, if I'm really upset because I have this, like, memory box that I have all my letters and, like, everything, like, birthday cards and mostly letters and, like, journals and stuff in and, like, whenever I was moving back into my mom's house I was going through all that shit and I was like, well, I'm never gonna need this again, like, this person like yeah, like, I'm never gonna be with them again, like, there's no shot and so yeah, I was like, why would I keep the letters and stuff but I'm kind of sad. I wish I had them now because, like, that would be good for the podcast and it would just be cool to, like, see, like, my perspective and, like, just reflect on for me but whatever that's fine so yeah I don't really have a lot, basically I'm just gonna go off memory for a lot of this because, yeah I don't know. So I would get mad about, like, random stuff sometimes and whenever I would do this I would, like, bring it to him and I would just be like, hey, like, this is, like, bothering me or, like, I've been thinking about this. I definitely was not using this, like, healthy of language like, I don't really know how I was fighting that but, yeah, I would just, like, kind of I guess, what he would call start fights. I would start all these fights and these fights would start, yeah, by me mentioning something that is on my mind and then him, like, kind of gaslighting me and just, like, I don't know, like, like, blaming it on me and, like, I'm so problematic for, like, bringing this up and, like, I'm always starting fights and I'm crazy and, like, all the little fun stuff and, yeah, that was how, like, most of our, like, fights were and then I was um, he wanted me to have sex with him and I, like, didn't, like, want to do that. I didn't, like, I don't know, like, I don't know, I don't ever feel like I really knew what, like, sex was. Like, I don't know. Obviously, we had the sex talk at school and I had it at home but, like, I don't know, like, I think that was more just, like, the logistics, or no, like, I don't know. I feel like it was, like, penis and vagina. Penis and vagina. And, like, I just feel like that's what I picked up on and, like, pregnant and STDs, like, oh, I don't even know. Scary, bad. The scare tactics of it. And, um, yeah, like, I didn't realize, like, getting, I didn't really know what, like, getting horny or, like, desiring someone or, like, when you want to have sex, what leads to sex, how, like, I don't know. I didn't know. And, yeah, he wanted to have sex with me and I was, like, why are you gonna have sex? Like, that's crazy. And, like, I don't know, like, yeah, because he would always talk about it and I would be like, dude, no, we can't have sex. Like, what the fuck? And, um, yeah, then it kind of got to a point and he was kind of like, okay, like, well, like, if you don't have sex with me, like, blah, blah, blah, blah, will. And, yeah, like, he would just, like, kind of threaten to, like, go have sex with other people or break up with me or, um, yeah. All this shitty shit. And also, like, it had already been a thing because this person would ask me for nudes as well and I was like, no, absolutely not. Literally absolutely not. I thought it was absolutely not up to the first two, but then the third guy, I, I don't know why. I went in for a second round of my nudes going around, but whatever. I did, but there was definitely not going to be a third one for that, okay? And so, yeah, at this point, I, like, swore to myself, I was like, I'm never sending nudes again. Like, I did not like that. Obviously, now I'm just a huge slut. And, yeah, like, I, that, I didn't like it. I didn't get anything out of it. And I remember asking, I would ask these guys, I would be like, what's in that for me? Like, why would I send you my tits? And they're like, oh, like, you'll be my favorite. I'm like, I'll love you. And, like, it would literally be conversations like that. I'm like, oh my god, favorite? Someone's picking me? Like, I'm someone's favorite? God, such a little sad girl. But, you know, she was learning. And, yeah, learning in a very hard way. That, yeah, very vulnerable state. And, yeah, so, this person, like, they had already been kind of mentioning breaking up with me because I wouldn't send the nudes. And then it was like, now they're like, since you're not gonna send nudes, we gotta fuck. And I'm like, I don't wanna fuck. I'm like, okay, well, I can just go fuck here. And I'm like, motherfucker, I am in seventh fucking grade. Literally in seventh grade this is happening. And, yeah, I don't know. Personally, I don't feel like people, anyone that I knew in seventh grade or even, like, the girl that I was in seventh grade, like, definitely, yeah, still needs to be a virgin for a long time. Like, what the fuck? And, anyway, but, yeah, my best friend and her boyfriend, they had sex. They were ready. They did their thing. And they were like, yeah, and so I would just talk to my friend about this and I'm like, oh my god, like, I don't, what, why would I have sex? Like, what the fuck? I don't even know. Like, that's crazy. Like, that's insane. And she would just be like, just do it. Like, it's whatever, blah blah blah. And I was like, what in the fuck? But, yeah, I don't know. So then that, like, would be kind of an off and on thing. Like, sometimes, like, he would be really getting, like, like, I don't know, really close to breaking up with me because I wouldn't fuck him. And then, like, I don't know, eventually it would stop and, like, we'd just have these conversations and, like, I don't know, this person, um, yeah, there was, like, a lot of gaslighting. I would say a pretty big, like, power dynamic and, like, I don't know, like, I just feel like this person was a lot more, like, I don't know, like, we just had two completely different lives and so they introduced me to a lot of stuff, um, that I don't really think that I was ready for in any way. Like, you know, gaslighting and all the things. But, like, um, yeah, then a few weeks later I am at my friend's house and she's like, oh my god, like, we have a surprise. And I'm like, what? And she's like, it's happening tonight, like, they're coming over. And I'm like, what? Like, what are you talking about? And she's, like, pulling out this, like, bra and panty set and literally I was in love with this set. It was so cute. It was hot pink. It was the Inquiry to the Secret and it was, like, that one print where it's, like, a lacy, like, cheetah print and then the band was, like, that thin black band that said, um, pink and white. And it was so fucking cute. And, like, yeah, reminder, I had double D's at this point and my friend is, like, a C cup. She's like, no, it's fine. Wear this bra. It's great. And so I'm, like, putting this bra on. My nipples are the only thing covered. And she's like, shave your vagina. She tells me how to shave my vagina and gives me a razor and I go and shave my vagina. And I shave my legs and my armpits and I shave head to toe and I put on this cute little set and then like we're waiting and we're waiting and literally these boys walked miles. Literal miles. And yeah. Speaking of that, I have another story that I forgot to mention in 6th grade that I'm going to mention after this. I'm so sorry. So much, literally so much has happened in my life. I don't even know how to tell you. So I'm going to have to go back. But anyway, these boys walked miles. Like, I think it was like 2 or 3 miles. And they come over to my friend's house and my friend, her, this is my friend who lives with her grandparents and they have, like, a camper, like an RV outside. And we would just, like, I don't know, genuinely, honestly, we would just sleep in there sometimes. And, like, there was also a shed in the back that she had that was like a little she shed and it had a little bed out there and, like, a whole little setup. And we would just hang out there all day. We would sleep out there and, like, yeah. So sleeping in the camper was, like, not that crazy because we were, like, we're sleeping in the camper tonight. And oh my god. This is so weird. And so, yeah. Then we're all hanging out. They finally get there and yeah, we're just hanging out. And then they're, like, going through the fridge and stuff and they're, like, what's in here? Blah, blah, blah. And they find one beer. Literally one beer. And they're, like, drinking it and they're, like, oh my god, do we have this beer? And, like, I don't know. They're trying to get me to, like, drink it. And so I, like, try it. And then I'm, like, okay. Like, I'm scared. Like, I don't know. I was such a goody-goody. And, like, I don't know. I literally don't know how my life happened to me. Like, I don't I don't know. Because, like, I didn't, I don't think I was oblivious. Like, I don't think I just had, like, no idea. Like, I don't know. I think it just, nothing made sense to me. But I was just, like, okay, like, this is what we're doing. Like, well, I'm not going to question everyone else is just doing this. I'm, like, whatever. Like, I don't know. I didn't, nothing really ever felt right to me. But I was just, like, I mean, I guess. But, like, I don't know. Like, not too much. I can't have too much of nothing. So I'm drinking the beer. I have a little sip. And I'm just, like, ew, like, gross. You know, whatever. And so then, like, I don't know if my friend drank that much of it. I know she sipped it, too. But I think it was mostly the boys. They were, like, sharing one beer. And it was, like, a Coors Banquet or something. Gross. And anyway, then they're, like, okay, like, we're going to go. And I'm, like, what? Like, you're leaving me alone with this kid? And yeah, so her and her boyfriend go in one of the bedrooms. And this is, like, rich people camp. Dude, I swear they're rich. If they're not rich, I don't know what to tell you. Because I think they're rich. But, oh. Also, remember when I was saying I think I got bit by a brown recluse? And I have that thing on my leg? That was with this friend. And this was, like, around this time. Because it was while we were sleeping in the camper. Anyway, back to the story. So my friend and her man are, like, okay, we're going to go. And so they go into one bedroom. And, like, me and my boyfriend are sitting in the living room. And, like, he's drinking the beer and whatever. And he's, like, okay, like, let's go. And I'm, like, oh, my God, what? What? And yeah, we stayed in the living room. Like, I remember I was, like, halting it. I was so nervous. And at this point, like, I don't know. Like, I guess it was, like, it was consensual. But it was, like, I was kind of coerced. I was definitely, because, I mean, like, all the threatening of, like, okay, like, I'll just break up with you and I'll go fuck someone else. And, like, then it was, like, just kind of spur them on. My friend's, like, all right, tonight's the night. Like, we're doing it. And I'm just, like, oh, my God. Like, I don't know. I definitely felt like I didn't really have another option. And I loved my boyfriend. I was, like, well, I mean, more than anything, more than I don't want to do this, like, I don't want to be alone. Like, I don't want him to break up with me. So, defeated. And, oh, I just remembered another thing from sixth grade. Holy fuck, guys. This is going to take forever. And I'm so sorry. Anyway. And so, yeah, then we go back in the room and we're laying there. Oh, my God. This is a crazy part. This is a crazy part that's, like, just personal to me. It's not really related to the story. You don't need to know this. But, like, this was such a, like, also had a huge impact on me. We're laying there and, like, we start kissing and he turns the light off. And, like, he's on top of me. And I, like, run, like, my hand up his arm. And his arm, like, was very, like, textured. Like, I really felt something. And I was, like, oh, my God. Like, what's on your arm? And he was, like, oh, nothing. Like, don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. I'm, like, no, like, what's on your arm? Trigger warning. Alert. Um, self-harm. And, yeah, so then I turn on the light and make him stop. And, yeah, his, yeah, he self-harmed a lot. And so that was all of his arm. And I'm, like, sitting there. And at this point I'm trying to stop being sexual because I'm, like, dude, like, are you okay? Like, what's wrong? Like, we should talk about this. Like, we need to, like, tell someone. And, like, I don't know, just trying to, like, figure out what the fuck. Like, I had no idea this was happening. He usually always had on a hoodie. Like, that's pretty much all he wore. So I don't, like, that was the first time I ever, like, touched his bare arm. And, yeah, I, like, kept trying to, like, get him to talk about it. And he was just, like, no, no, no. And, like, just wanted to fuck. And, um, oh my god, yeah. Family, or if you know me and you're here, like, I don't even know what to say. Like, yeah. Let me just acknowledge that because this is so scary and I've never said this to so many people. But now I'm just gonna say it and put it out in the fucking world, I guess. I mean, fuck. And, yeah. And so then he goes to penetrate me. And um, it hurt really, really, really bad. And yeah, no. Like, I was like, oh my god. Like, no. You have to stop this. Like, I'm in, like, 10 out of 10 pain. Like, this hurts so bad. And he's like, no, like, it's okay. Like, whatever. And I'm like, I don't know. I might have been fucking crying. Like, I was like, oh my. Like, I literally cannot. Like, I feel like I'm dying. I don't know what this is. I've never had like, this much pain. It was like, excruciating. Like, it hurt so bad. So we had to stop. And, like, then he was like, kind of mad at me. And so yeah, I don't know. It was like, whenever he, like, left my body, like, I, like, it hurt, but it, like, definitely, like, was not as bad as it was, like, while he was inside of me. Um, and yeah. So then, like, a few minutes go by and I'm just, like, trying to stop and I'm still trying to, like, talk about, like, you know, his arm and just everything. And yeah, he's just having no part of that. And he's kind of mad. And now that's pissing him off, too. And he's like, okay, let's try again. Let's try again. Let's try again. So we're like, okay. And then we try again. And then it hurts just as bad again. And, like, I don't even know how to, like, literally extremely painful. And so we had to stop again, which now, looking back on that, like, I think your body can definitely reject someone. And, like, I think it was that, plus I was a child and, like, I think there's a lot of factors that play into it, but, like, I don't know. That's something that really blows my mind is, like, your body can definitely reject something. Like, dude, it was so painful. I've never had a pain like that, like, probably I don't know. I've had it since then, but, like, I don't know. Not in a few years. But, yeah. So, anyway, that was my virginity. Super hot and sexy and special, right? Yeah. And, yeah, at this point, I don't really, like, tell anyone. Because, like, how do you tell someone that? Like, it's just me and this one friend. And, like, you know, she's having a great time. Like, her and her boyfriend, like, I don't know. I don't know how she would look back on it now. I mean, yeah. I don't know what... I'm interested, honestly. I wonder what her perspective, like, looking back on this shit is. I don't know. But, um... Maybe she'll be a guest on my podcast because that would be fucking insane. Um... Yeah. Irrelevant to my upbringing. But, anyway, okay. So... Yeah, that was my virginity. Honestly, horrible. I definitely don't think I would have lost my virginity. Um... I don't know. Sometimes I'm like, I wonder if I would still be a virgin today. Like, if, like, I really, like, if I was just going about my life on my own. Whatever. Anyway, you know, thoughts I have. So, anyway, that relationship... And this is all Ted. Um... Yeah, definitely really super duper fucked me up just because all of that. And then I was like, and eventually, like, he did end up breaking up with me and going to, like, hook up with, like, all the girls that, like, I was worried about and, like, that he would, like, threaten me with and be like, oh, yeah, like, if you don't, like, they will. And... Yeah, no. So... And, like, I think, like, since my mom did want me to break up with him, like, I think that kind of, like, made our relationship, my relationship with him, like, more, like, secretive. And, like, then the fact that we were having sex at, like, such a young age, like, I just feel like that, like, really isolated me because there were so many things that I couldn't share. And his arm, like, oh, my God. He was, like, mad. He was like, you can never tell anyone about this. Like, no. Absolutely not. Blah, blah, blah. And, like, I don't know. We would talk on the phone and, like, he would, like, trigger wanting again. Um, but, like, I don't know. Like, he would talk about, like, wanting to, like, commit suicide or, like, just, like, hating life and, like, really being, like, super duper broken which, that's what, like, he was a child, too. And, like, obviously, like, his, you know, like, you know, he's had his own upbringing and, like, clearly his life wasn't the best at that point for him. And, yeah, no. I don't really know the situation but, yeah, that relationship, like, really, really super duper fucked me up and, like, really forced me to grow up at such a young age and, like, yeah, now I'm having to keep these secrets from my friends and family and, like, I don't know what's going on. I don't really know what's happening. I don't really have anyone to talk to and, like, yeah, I don't know. And, yeah, yeah, eventually he ended up breaking up with me and that was super duper hard and yeah, then I would say, I don't know, because then after him I had another boyfriend, Tim, and I dated him for, like, I don't know, I feel like a long time, but I don't know, because we, like, couldn't really date for a while, but we were, like, pretty much dating and then we, like, officially were allowed to date and then we dated and, like, then it was a whole thing and, like, we were all the best friends all of our lives. I don't really know that situation, but there was definitely no overlap between Ted was not in my life at all whenever Tim was, like, my man, but then after me and Tim broke up, yeah, I yeah, Ted came back in my life and was, like, I don't know, it was a super complicated relationship after that because it was, like, you just keep going back and you can't really not go back because, like, you're in love with this person and, like, your heart is just doing things and you know what's wrong and you know you shouldn't do it and that's gonna, like, fuck you up, but, like, yeah, I don't know, that's just, like, it's too hard not to. And, yeah, so I kept on going back forever and I kept on getting fucking brutally fucking broken and because after that, yeah, the relationship with him was just, like, horrible, horrible because whenever he broke up with me in seventh grade, like, once it was finally over that time, like, um, I also, like, lost my best friend around that time, like, because it was her and her boyfriend in that relationship. I don't know the official breaking up with me and my friend, but I know at that point, like, me and her started having crazy beef, like, there was so much drama and, like, I don't know, like, so my boyfriend broke up with me and then me and her are fighting and, like, this is probably, like, over, like, a week span and she ends up going on my Instagram, I've made this post on Instagram, I don't even know what it was, and she comments this, like, huge, like, hate, hate, hate, hate paragraph to me and, um, then perceives that paragraph by tagging every single one of my friends and saying, oh, Brittany said this about you, oh, Brittany said this about you, and, like, yeah, it was horrible, like, literally turning everyone against me in front of my face and, like, this is, like, at home on Instagram, like, I had posted a picture after school one day and, like, this was happening and I literally was, like, everyone is gonna fucking hate me tomorrow, like, I don't know what to do, and at this point, Jalyn is, like, pretty in my life and so I call her, like, she's kind of the best friend that I have and so I call her and I'm like, dude, like, I promise I didn't say any of the things that she's saying. I said about you and, like, God, I'm gonna cry. I'm like, what if Jalyn believed her? She didn't. Jalyn's a real one, literally the realest bitch I've ever fucking met in my life and, yeah, it was, like, she's literally tagging every single one of my friends that I have and, like, telling them, and it was, like, some of it was probably true, but a lot of it was not true, like, she was just saying random shit about, like, literally every single one of my friends and, yeah, it was a small town, all there was was drama, so, like, I literally 1000% believed that everyone was gonna believe her and everyone was gonna hate me and, like, I was gonna, like, I don't know, I was terrified to go to school the next day, plus my ex boyfriend's there who just fucking dumped me, literally fucking dumped me and, like, yeah, I was just a sorry fucking ass and, yeah, I talked to Jalyn on the phone for a long time and, like, she was, like, um, I don't know, more there for me than anyone has ever been for me and, yeah, it was super cool, super fun, super fresh and, yeah, I literally, like, um, that night was literally the hardest night of my entire life and um, after I got off the phone with Jalyn I went in the bathroom and, trigger warning, like, I literally thought that um, I was gonna, like, I was gonna, like, unalive myself, Jesus and, yeah, I was, like, sitting on the bathtub floor and I, like, found this pack of razors that was in the bathroom and, yeah, I was just, like, sitting there and I was, like, dude, like, this is really fucking it, like, my boyfriend hates me and my best friend hates me and, like, everyone, literally all of my friends ever hate me except for Jalyn and I couldn't tell my mom about this because I knew, like, my mom didn't even want me in that relationship and then also the fact that I had had sex with him, like, I don't know, just all this stuff, so I was, yeah, just super duper fucking lonely and, yeah, had the lowest of lows and, yeah, I don't really know why I didn't and, um, yeah, I don't know, for some reason I didn't and yeah, thank god that's so crazy, I don't think I've ever, like, told that story like that out loud but, anyway and then I went to school the next day and I literally sat at a lunch table by myself and I wouldn't let anyone sit with me, like, all my friends, like, so many people and teachers and, like, people kept, like, trying to talk to me and I was like, get away from me, like, get away, and I literally ate lunch at an entire lunch table by myself sitting there just fucking bawling, I don't even think I ate lunch, I think I just cried and, yeah, fucking drama queen of course, but god, I'm crying a lot, I did, like, not expect that, but um, yeah, that was, like, literally the craziest, like, time of my life after Ted and my friend and, um, yeah, after that, like, we pretty much had, me and that girl had, like, oh my god Jalyn is the realest fucking bitch ever because Jalyn text this girl and said the craziest shit ever, I'm not, I can't even say it out loud but Jalyn text this girl and, like, you know what, Jalyn, that is the moment that I knew Jalyn was my fucking person, literally for the rest of my entire life, like, that, yeah, she saved my life wow, that's crazy, she literally, like, saved my life um, yeah, I feel like Jalyn was probably the reason I didn't do that that day because she was, yeah, literally the only person in the entire world there for me in that moment, um, wow, I'm really fucking crying a lot, I feel like I should pause and, like, get my fucking, get a grip, bitch but, yeah wow, um, anyway doop-a-doo, I'm gonna pause real quick because, fuck, anyway okay, we're back so, um, yeah that relationship ended and it was fucking brutal and, like, yeah I don't know, I think that I went to that place because that was what Ted always did, like, whenever like, I don't know, like we would be talking on the phone some nights and, yeah, he would just be like, I just wanna, like unwind myself, like, that would just be easier, like, this shit is so hard and, like, yeah, he would just, like, be crying and, like, at such a breaking point, so I don't know, I think that, like, had an influence on what my, like, breaking point looked like and yeah, so yeah, we'll pause there and I'm gonna go back and tell two different stories that I also have from 6th grade and, yeah, then we'll go what happens after, go to what happens after that whole drama okay, so back to 6th grade, one of those guys the hot 8th grader who, um I sent nudes to, um, one time he wanted to meet up and I was like, oh my god, yeah, like, this 8th grade boy is choosing me, like, he's not choosing another 8th grader, he's not even choosing another 7th grader, he picked me, motherfucker, like, I felt awesome, and yeah, I mean I don't know, it was awesome I thought, and yeah, so he decided yeah, why not, he was like, I'm gonna come see you, like, cause he was trying to get me to sneak out and come walk somewhere, and I was like, motherfucker um, no, like, I'm a good kid, I'm not sneaking out, and I'm not walking anywhere alone by myself at night, like, no, I'm not doing that, and so we decide that he is gonna walk to my house, and we're gonna sit outside in my driveway, and like, I was allowed to walk outside at night, like, me and my brother would hang out outside sometimes at night and, like, we had a pool and a hot tub and stuff, and so, like, we could go, like, swim at night and stuff, so going out the back door, like, wasn't, like I don't know, like, I was allowed to walk out the back door if I wanted to and so, like, yeah, I was like, we're gonna sit in my driveway, like, I'm just hanging out with this guy, like, whatever and yeah, so I just walk outside, and we're sitting in my driveway and he has this backpack, oh my god, this fucking bitch you know what his flex was? He opened his backpack and had, like, six, like mod vapes, like, the big-ass fucking thing, and you can blow the fat-ass clouds, and he's like, dude, look like, you wanna hit one? and I was like, no like, I'm not a vaper, sorry, and yeah, and so we just sat there and, like, switched out his vapes that he was hitting, and anyway, so then we're walking down the street a little bit, and, like, we lived on a private road and so there was, like, three houses, and, like, we knew all the neighbors and stuff, and it was, like, I don't know, I wasn't, like, worried that my mom would be mad at me for that and so I was like, yeah, we're, like, we can do that, and so we walk and we're going and sitting at, like, our neighbors had, like, this little, like shop thing outside their house and, yeah, so we were just sitting over there talking, and um we start kissing and then he's like um I want to titty fuck you and I said, you want to what? and he says, I want to titty fuck you, and I'm like I don't know what that is like, what are you saying? and he's like just pull your tits out, and I'm like, what? like, I don't know what's going on, but I'm like, what the fuck, like what is it? I was, like, shocked, I was like, a titty fuck? like, I had no idea what was about to go down, and he's like, come on like, come on, and I'm just like, oh my god like, do we have to? and I'm like, I don't know, like yeah, back and forth about that and then I'm just like, okay, like I guess, and so I just pull my tits out, and he's like he okay, this is graphic, I guess, but like, I mean I want you to experience what I was experiencing because I've never had anything like it, okay? and so he's like, pushing my like, he's holding my tits, and I was going to say pushing them together, but like you don't really got to do that and so anyway and then he's like, puts his dick he's on his he's on his knees, I'm sitting like crisscross and he's like on his knees in front of me and he's like shoving his dick between my tits, and I'm like sitting there like what the fuck is going on like, I did not know like, I don't know, I just remember being like, what do I do? like what is this? and it was so weird, and he's like I don't know, he can tell that I don't know what is going on and he's like I don't know I think he was like, does that feel good or something? and I was like, um, I don't know and so like, he stops, and he's like like, are you okay? whatever, and I'm like, um, like I guess like, I just don't know what that was like, I don't know and then we stop, and then he's like okay, I'm gonna go home, and I'm like okay, bye and yeah I think that was the last time we talked for a while so that was one random thing in 6th grade which I guess let me just give you a little rundown of this person, so after that we didn't talk for a while, and then we started, this person moved away and I don't know, like we had talked a little bit after that, but like not really um, but then whenever he graduated high school I was like, oh my god, congratulations he's like, thanks, and so we had been texting a little bit then and I don't know there was a few months ago I was trying to write a book, and I was like just gonna write about all this shit and I was like, I wanna go back and look at our text because we text a lot, like me and this guy and so I get on Snapchat and I scroll back, and I see this text from him like, after he graduated like this was years later, cause that happened when he was in 8th grade and there's just a random text from him in our chat and he's like, I'm sorry for how I treated you when we were younger and my response was, thanks, lol thx, like I was like thanks lol, I did not understand what he meant I was just like, whatever, like whatever but whenever I was writing the book and I was like, let me go look, I saw that I literally started sobbing, I was like what the fuck, like that's so weird, because I never even looked at our situation like as like, probably like inappropriate and like yeah, like, until recently and so, the fact that he saw it as that like years ago before me, like, that's crazy and yeah, that was cool so I was like, okay, fuck yeah like, I screenshotted it a few months ago whenever I was writing my book and I saw it and like, I thought he had anatomy on Snapchat like, I didn't think he was gonna get notified that I screenshotted it, well he did and then he sends a question mark and I haven't talked to this person in like since he graduated high school, and that was like 2019 2025 so yeah, I don't know weird, like I think we're, I am Facebook friends with his mom and his brother um yeah, I don't really know this person and the last time I ever saw this person was like, literally probably in 6th grade like, ugh I don't know, what the fuck but yeah, so then he sends me a question mark and I'm like, oh sorry, like I like, this is super weird, but like I'm just like, writing and like, I don't know, I just was curious, like, if we had any chats saved and like, I just saw that you apologized a few years ago, and like, I don't know like, I just like, I was shocked that you apologized for that, like, I don't know I'm just looking at things differently now and he's like, oh cool, like, whatever whatever, and I was like, yeah, sorry like, I'm not trying to be weird, like I'm not intruding, like, I did not think you were even going to get notified that I screamed inside of this, like, I don't know, what the fuck and then I was like, but can I ask like, why like, what apologized for what, like, what is your perspective, like, what did you like, what are you sorry for, and he didn't answer which, like, valid, I mean, I wouldn't want to answer to that either, if I was him, but like mm-hmm, yeah I don't know, so I just left it alone after that and like yeah, I don't, probably, yeah I don't know, I, if I would've known that he was going to get the notification that I screenshotted, like, yeah maybe I wouldn't have done that, because, like, he's in a whole relationship right now, and I was just like picturing, and I'm like, what if he's like laying next to his girlfriend and she's like looking at him, and she's like, who's this girl and then I'm sitting there, and I'm like I saw you apologize to me and like, you know, like, I'm just reflecting on my life and seeing things and like, then if he had to explain that to her, like yeah, just yeah, I don't think I would've done that if he was, if I thought he was going to get notified, so I didn't think that anyway, so pretty much, that made me feel like I don't know, because before that I was like oh yeah, fuck this person, like, fuck him but then the fact that he apologized, and like, just, I don't know even just acknowledge, like, what he did um, like, he would just do differently and I was just like, you know, like, okay, like, yeah cool, so, yeah he's probably the one that I least hate of the men of all the men I'm talking about but, anyway, so that was that person and then the other thing that I want to go back to from 6th grade is um, I have this one guy who I met who was also an 8th grader when I was in 6th grade and I met him because he was one of my friend's cousins and so like I went to like a family birthday party or something with her, and yeah, met him there and then, yeah, he added me on Snapchat and we started Snapchatting, and then whenever oh, I also whipped some ass pics on like a thong, which, everyone did that I did not, like, I don't regret that necessarily, like, that was just I mean, my ass looked fucking fat like, mmm, I don't know the titty pics, the naked tits is like, I don't think I ever got anything out of that I did not want to do, I didn't like that I hated my boobs, but the ass pics were fun, like I don't know, me and all my friends would like take ass pics, like it was like a hobby and, anyway, so yeah like, um yeah, I don't know people saw my fucking ass, bro and, anyway, homeboy got his hands on an ass pic of mine, I don't know from where wasn't to him and he is telling me send him my ass or my tits right now, and I'm like I'm not doing that cause this is already after, like, I decided I wasn't sending nudes again, ever but, I don't know, I mean obviously then I did to the next boyfriend gee, but, I don't know anyone else I was like, fuck no, I don't know why he was an exception, shouldn't have been obviously, but, I don't know this guy was not an exception so I was like, absolutely not, like no, and so then he sends me a picture of my own ass and he says I'm in a group chat with your brother and if you don't send me nudes right now I'm gonna send this to him okay I'm bawling my eyes out I'm getting blackmailed for nudes and, so I'm freaking the fuck out, and like, at this point, like I don't know, like, I know at this point, I am publicly slut shamed and so, like, all my brother's friends, like, people have teased him about his sister being a whore and so, like, I don't know, like yeah, I would rather anything than this ass pic of mine getting sent to my brother validating that I'm a whore which, I don't think that validates it, but like, I don't know I mean, just that's what I thought was it all the time and yeah, so anyway, I'm literally bawling and I'm with one of my friends and I'm like, dude, he's literally, like blackmailing me for nudes right now and that's not the language I had for it I was just crying, I was like, I don't know what to do, like I have to send him nudes because I can't have my brother like getting my ass pic and like showing him what a whore I am and so I was just, like, crying forever and did not know what to do and this guy's like, come on, like, you better do it you better do it, and like, really just fucking pressuring me and then I have the clever brain and I say oh, well if you want to do that, like, I can just like text blank my friend who was his cousin and so I was like I can just text her and ask her for your mom's number and show your mom what you're saying to me and then I was blocked and I don't think we've ever talked again crazy crazy fucking insane, which one of my friends dated him like, years later after that, and like, he really fucked her up so I really fucking hate this kid but oh, he says that he changed his life, I saw it, he posted it on my tiktok a few months ago and he was like I'm a changed man, like, I found God and I want to make amends for all the things I've done wrong and whatever I'm not mocking that idea, I'm mocking him for the record but yeah, I never got my apology text okay, crazy insane, that is like probably one of the more insane things that I feel like happened to me like, blackmailing me for nudes with my own ass, bro like, excuse you that's insane, that's fucking insane that is something that I have yet to forgive, and that's just fucking disgusting and nasty and I don't know I don't know what that is, okay so, that's all the shit that happened, and that was also all that was sixth grade that I just added in now, we're gonna go back the other way, back to after me and Ted break up, and then my whole thing after that I was like, fuck this like, can't do this shit and at this point, like I'm not dating anyone, I'm trying not to talk to anyone, and I'm just like, fuck like I thought my life was over after that, like I was super duper closed off at this point except, Tim who, yeah, I've been best friends with literally all this time, I don't know me and Tim, like he always played football and I cheered and like, we were friends like that, and our moms were friends, I think, and then Tim went to move away in like fourth grade, I think and, or fifth grade maybe, and me and Tim were really close at this point, and so like, we would literally FaceTime all the time and we would just like cry and be like, oh my god I miss you I can't believe you had to move away, and like we would FaceTime and like watch Hannah Montana together, like, I loved Tim, Tim was that was a healthy relationship he was just a man, like, I don't know, like he just like loved me and it wasn't about my fucking tits and ass, which and if it was, I did not ever know that I don't think it was, but I definitely wasn't, but I don't know, like yeah, that was like I don't know, that was just his own relationship, nothing like it and, yeah, so then like, and like then Tim eventually moved back, and like, I think that was like somewhere in the middle of all of this, and so we did end up becoming like close friends again and we did hang out, and like, yeah our moms were friends, and so I don't know, like, we would just hang out outside of school a lot, and like babysit his cousins together and like I don't really know like yeah, I don't know, like we were just best friends, and yeah, we would just hang out we would have little sleepovers, and like I would always just hang out with his whole family, and he would always hang out with my whole family, and like, yeah it was awesome, and then yeah, after me and oh, yeah, I think it was probably that Ted, like, didn't want me to really be around him so I think probably that pushed me away from Tim while I was with Ted, but yeah, at that point, literally it was so honest to me, like it was pure it was a regular child friendship it wasn't trying to suck anyway, so yeah then after Ted um, yeah I just like, mainly just hanging out with Tim all the time, and Jaylen all the time and like, yeah I don't know, like we just got super close, and like it was still completely platonic and yeah, Tim even had a girlfriend, and she hated me, like that is definitely true um do I think it was valid? No at that point, it was so not valid, like we were just friends, we were literally just good friends, I don't understand like, why boys and girls can't literally just be platonic friends, but, you know whatever, I don't know, I think that's a super controversial conversation too but, whatever in middle school, absolutely not an option for my boyfriend to be friends with any girl ever, and yeah, so we got a lot of hate for that from her, but I don't know, like yeah, I don't fucking know what that was, like I remember her dad like threatened my mom on Facebook, like threatened me dude, something crazy there was also this cheer mom yeah, I cheered my entire fucking life and there was this one cheer mom who hated me because I don't know, like I think she like was living through her daughter and wanted her daughter to be on top but her daughter was younger than me, so like she just wasn't gonna be like priority over me and like I think that was where this mom's issues lied and so this one hated me and like caused drama often, and like she was like ultimate, she's like damn moms okay, and I'm not holding her to this she could've changed, she was nice to me, completely plenty, absolutely, but I don't know at this time in my life, she did not like me, and so she decided to go to the little rants and raves page of our small town on Facebook, and be like fuck Britney, blah blah blah blah, literally like made this hate post about me, as like what, 13 year old? in 7th grade yeah, I think I was, oh wait no I was 12, a 12 year old okay, so yeah I have like this like I don't know how old she was, 30 or 40 or something somewhere around there, and yeah hating on a 12 year old on Facebook is crazy but yeah, she made this huge post about me, complaining about me like I don't know and then that girl who I was best friends with, who lives with her grandparents her grandpa also is on this thread hating me literally like posting super he's like oh yeah, we don't like her either fuck that bitch, blah blah blah crazy, and then Tim's girlfriend's dad also joins this thread and is like oh yeah, y'all better watch out or I'll have to come to your house with my gun I don't think it was that direct but it was something like that and there was a threat of like something violent and yeah my mom had to text one of her police officer friends and be like, hey what do I do about this? because like, what the fuck so yeah, that was crazy I literally had grown ass people hating on me and guess what, two of them were men that's super extra fucking crazy two of them were men so yeah, I have a grandpa and a father, who are taking time to hate a 12 year old publicly on Facebook in a thread of fuck this bitch yeah, love that awesome which at that point I was that was in 7th grade, maybe 8th grade and by that point, I had been getting slut shamed since 6th grade by everyone at my school so sorry, fuck your mom, fuck your dad and fuck all your kids bro I hate all of you and yeah, I super duper hated my life around this time, but I really loved cheer I think cheer saved me in a lot of ways throughout this time I was close with my mom obviously through Ted's relationship, I wasn't able to be as much but I had a cheer coach who I really was able to confide in, and I had to go to the counselors because like crying at the lunch table and kicking everyone away from you reason for concern, I guess and all the drama shit that was happening between Tim's girlfriend and my girl that I was best friends with yeah, all the slut shaming everyone just fucking hated me or something I don't know yeah, so I was in the counselors office and I had a cool cheer coach, and obviously I had Jalen I'm like, I had my mom for the most part, but not the worst part and then yeah, so that was 7th grade and then in 8th grade, I was pretty much just best friends with Tim and hung out with Tim all the time and that was really the only boy that I really talked to and yeah, at that point, I was like fuck these boys they all fucking suck and like, I don't know the boys who played football and stuff and who I would see outside of school we were all cool, because footballs and cheerleaders footballers, football boys and cheerleaders we would make snack bags for them or fucking something which, I don't know why, we're like oh my god, thanks for playing such a hard game bitch, I fucking just did jumps and lifted people shut the fuck up, run in a circle anyway, and so yeah we would just see them every single day of the week and so I had those friends but I don't really think any of those were like I don't know I didn't want to date any of them we were all like just I don't know, I flirt with all of them though, but I did not want to have a boyfriend, I was dead inside and yeah, so then in 8th grade I'm just trying to survive at this point and like, just really kind of realizing Jalen is, yeah, my best friend I'm spending a lot more time with my girls and then we have like this one girlfriend group who's so fun and we would just hang out all the time and oh, I remember there was, I, oh my fucking shit, and another reason I hated my life from a man is I had this history teacher in 8th grade who I hate I'm spreading hate, I don't know what you want from me and yeah, he called me stupid, he literally called me stupid in front of everyone and like he was like um, cause yeah I think I have pretty super duper like intense ADHD and so I think like yeah, I really didn't capture anything from school just because I was trying to survive it's like whenever you go to read a book and you have to reread the first page 20 times because you can't get your brain to slow down like that's how my brain is all the time, especially in class, so the teacher is like talking and they're like going on this rant for like 5 minutes and then I'm like what are you saying, like I need you to completely restart because I wasn't paying attention at all, and I didn't even realize I thought I was paying, I was looking at you, I was like reading your lips, like I'm trying to like hear what you're saying, but I'm not hearing any of it and so school was really hard for me and especially history like I liked math, I was good at math, but the rest mm-mm, and yeah, history and science were the worst of it, and so yeah, we would have like these pop questions because we had to take the STAR exam for history that year and so he would just pull up questions all the time and he would be like, okay and he would call me by my last name fucking bitch ass, like literally not my fucking name, just call me Brittany but, whatever, anyway and so he's like, bam, and I'm like, um I would try to guess, he literally called on me every single day, because I would talk during class, because me and Jalyn had class together and this other girl, and so we would talk a lot, so yeah, I guess that was kind of a pain in his ass too, but he definitely took advantage of that, and so he would just pick on me, and he would be like, Brittany, Brittany, Brittany, calling me every single day and yeah, probably for the first like 20,000 days, I tried to guess and he would be like, nope, that's wrong that's wrong, that's wrong, and I would be like okay so one day I'm having a shit ass fucking day and he calls on me, and I'm like, I don't know like, I don't know the answer and he's like, boom, fail, you're definitely gonna fail that test, and you're not gonna make it that's what he said in front of this entire class, in front of Jalyn in front of my other girlfriends, and in front of all these guys, like, all the guys on the football team pretty much were in that class and including Tim and the boy who used to grab my butt on the way to ag all of them and yeah, everybody was there and he said that in front of me, and so I would just ask to go to the bathroom every single day after that and I would go to the bathroom, and I would cry and I eventually got to the point where I wouldn't even have to ask to the bathroom because he would ask me a question, and I would say, I don't know and he would be like, fail, you're gonna fail and like, literally he would yell I don't know how I'm gonna fail and yeah, I would just go cry in the bathroom and then I would come back and be like, okay like, whatever, I'm just a stupid dumb bitch that's fine, yeah, so I blame that man a lot for my hate for men, just because like, how are you gonna call a child stupid and expect them to learn anything, like, yeah, that's not the way but whatever and it was annoying because like, everyone loved this teacher, like everyone loved him and yeah, I don't think I hate any teacher I've ever had more than that um, anyway and yeah, then we had to do like, this essay and like, how we would write, um I don't know what the prompt was, it was like, how we would write like, the constitution or something if we could, and I was like, my constitution um, I don't know what it was, but I wrote, it was supposed to be like, a page long, I wrote ten pages, I literally, my life was so intense at that point that I literally just journaled it, and I was like, I just hate this, and I just hate like, that everybody thinks I'm a fucking whore, and like that I just like, my friends hate me, and like, we all just have like this relationship where we all just talk shit and then we go behind each other's back and talk more shit and then everyone just calls me a fucking slut and like, I just like, literally have, like, me and Tim are just friends and everyone thinks we're not and I'm just getting so much fucking shit for it and I just fucking hate my life, and like kinda like, oh poor me, but honestly looking on that girl, I'm like, you poor girl like, I feel so bad for middle school Brittany she had it rough, okay and she was misunderstood, okay and yeah, he, we were supposed to get those papers back and he never gave me mine back, um I think he might have gave it to the counselors or something, I don't really know what happened but I never got it back and I'm really pissed about it because I'm like, dude, I would love to read that right now I know that shit was intense but, whatever hater, fucking woman hater okay, um, anyway so yeah, that's up to 8th grade, of course we wasted another hour in this um wow, I literally just got through 7th and 8th grade with that um I'll throw in another one real quick I have this one Tim will be like I don't even know what that will be because then it was like after 8th grade while we were just best friends and him and his girlfriend broke up and then we weren't allowed to date because like his girlfriend like um oh, I remember trigger warning self-harm again um, she, yeah like cut her arms up and then came to school the next day and took Tim into a classroom and pulled up her sleeves and said this is because of you and yeah, like it was pretty fucking crazy um, she's not crazy, like just like that situation and so so yeah, I don't know, I think we like went to like I don't know, like told her parents or something, I don't know how that was handled but yeah, after that, because of that and our parents knew about that, like we weren't allowed to date because we didn't want anything to happen to her, like her to do anything because of that so yeah, we just like secretly dated and yeah, we hung out literally like everyday at this point, our parents know that we like each other and yeah, we're just not allowed to officially date and so yeah, we hang out all the time we talk about everything and yeah, we're literally falling in love and yeah, then we finally like months and months after that that felt like forever for me, I don't really know how long it was, but I was like oh my god, like I just want to fucking date, like we just wanted to date so bad and so then we were finally allowed to date and we dated for like I don't know how long this feels like such a long time in my life, like I really feel like those relationships had like a giant impact on my life and it felt like forever, like it was great until it wasn't but yeah, I don't know this relationship I think was like healthier, like I feel like we were both like like I don't know like he didn't really know a lot about sex and I really feel like I did like I don't know, that wasn't something that was like, it was just a middle school relationship, like it wasn't this, cause the relationship I had with Ted, like that was not a middle school relationship like he was way more like knowledgeable than I, but yeah, Tim was not and so that relationship was not like forward for like a long time and yeah it was really good, we had fun, we um yeah, I don't know I remember whenever that relationship ended, it was really rough because there was one night um, that I was hanging out with his mom he spent the night at his friend's house and me and his mom were like, oh we're gonna have like a little girls night and watch movies and da da da, because she's known me for my whole life, like cause me and Tim have been friends forever and so me and his mom are having a sleepover and like we're just talking about girl things and like, then we start getting deeper and she's just like talking about girls that send nudes and how like nudes are just really bad and like she just can't believe that anyone would ever do that and like I don't know, it was really just like talking about people who send nudes and I felt really close with her and I really felt like I could be honest and I just felt like in this conversation I wasn't being honest because I'm agreeing with everything she's saying, I'm like, yeah that's not good, like I don't think that's a good idea, I'm like, it's pretty dangerous blah blah blah, but obviously I had sent nudes and they went around and I felt all the consequences of that and I learned my lesson so I was like, I just want to tell you something, like I have sent nudes before like it was in my last relationship to G and like that whole thing and like yeah like I'm definitely never gonna do that again in my life and like I just don't really know like how to go about that, like I regret it and I wish I didn't do it and like really like had a like confession to her and like yeah, like she helped me through like we talked about whatever and then I told my boyfriend, I was like, hey like I just want to let you know like I told your mom that like I have sent nudes before, like I didn't know, we were just talking about it and it just came up and like yeah, I don't know what to do and so yeah and that was not while I was with Tim I sent, yeah, I sent nudes to G whenever I was with G and they went around this conversation just came up while I was with him and I was like oh like I have sent nudes before and I never sent nudes to Tim, Tim was very respectful Tim didn't ask me for nudes, Tim knew my trauma was nudes, Tim had probably seen my nudes whenever they went around, so yeah I don't really know, but after that I don't, Tim got mad at me for that, I don't know I don't know why Tim was so mad at me for sharing that with his mom because Tim knew um yeah, Tim knew that all of that happened when it happened, I don't know why I don't know, I don't feel like it was I don't know why he was mad that I told his mom, like I felt like that was making us closer like I felt like that was good that I told her because it was like if not I would just be sitting there hating on people for sending nudes and it was like, yeah I don't know how anyone could ever do that whenever I have been someone who did that like I don't regret that, I would do that again I would tell her again, like I'm not gonna sit here and shit over this one kind of people whenever people aren't like that, it's not people are like that, it's just that's something that people do sometimes and yeah you learn I wish I didn't do that and I wouldn't, well now I mean I don't know, if everyone's fucking seen my nudes I don't know if I bugged it, like whatever no, I don't know, I don't send nudes but whatever, anyway and then me and Tim are hanging out and we have like his this is around his birthday and so we have his like family birthday and he's like mad at me in front of his whole family and his whole family is like can't tell like all this fucking tension between us that we're fighting and yeah it literally ruins the whole day, we have a shitty ass fucking day which we both was because like he's mad at me and like I'm having to deal with like his entire family and like he's clearly mad at me which I'm kind of wondering if like he thought that I had sent nudes to G while I was with him, like cause that seems like that would make more sense of why he was so mad but I don't know why, cause I was like I don't know why you're so mad that I told your mom that I sent nudes before I feel like that's a good thing, but whatever like it made us closer, but yeah, maybe he thought that I like cheated on him and sent nudes to someone else cause yeah that would be a whole different story, I would be like yeah fuck me I would never do that, so wow that's crazy what if that's what he thinks crazy, whatever anyway, um because yeah after that our relationship pretty much fell apart and then we went home that night and he just went in his room and started playing video games and I was like oh my god like what are you doing can we watch something like cause he didn't play video games with me like whenever we were together we were like fully there and like hanging out together and so yeah like he had never played video games when I just sat and like left me sitting there but he did and so I was like can we watch a movie like can we talk or something, he didn't want to talk so I was like okay can we watch a movie so he turns on a movie and then puts his headphones in and rolls over to the like on the edge of the bed facing the wall, I'm like okay and so I'm like trying to talk to him and I'm trying to like I don't know just like see anything and he's just not having it and then he's on his phone and he I like go to like snuggle him a little bit like put my head on his shoulder and he turns his phone away from me to where I can't see and he's hiding something and I can see that he's on snapchat and like we have each other's passwords to everything um I didn't really get on any of his stuff like I liked having his passwords like it felt like comforting to have them but I didn't really feel the need to like go through his shit but whatever we were like just did that for each other just trusting and then we were like but the only thing that we can't do is go through each other's like best friend group chat and I'm like yeah like that was a deal because the shit me and Jalen and me and my like that friend group would talk about yeah crazy like I would want no not like inappropriate it was just like you know your group chat with your girls like no one can ever see that but yeah so uh whatever he wouldn't return his phone I tried to ask him why and he wouldn't tell me and yeah like pretty much it was just like a failed attempt trying to talk to him and trying to get to him like he was just super pissed off and like clearly like didn't want anything to do with him at the time I don't know why it took me so long to figure that out but yeah so I go home and yeah I log on to his Snapchat because he turned his phone away I was losing my mind about that I'm like why would you hide your phone from me like I get we're fighting but you're hiding your phone from me like what are you hiding and so I logged on and he hadn't Snapchatted anyone that day except for me one of his best friends and the group chat the boys chat so I break our rule of not invading the group chat and I look in the group chat and guess what they were all talking shit about me they were like fuck her like break up with her she sucks like she's a slut like yeah no they were like fuck that bitch okay so I text him and I'm like hey like I know we don't go through the group chat but like you were hiding your phone and like I don't know like that was the only person like that's the only people that you've Snapchatted today and so I just need to look in that and I looked in it and I saw you talking shit about me and I saw your friends talking shit about me and like what the fuck and guess what he gets mad at me he's like you broke our one rule like that is the one part of trust is don't go through the group chat and you went through the group chat like I just don't think I can trust you I have to change my passwords and so he changed all of his passwords and I wasn't allowed to have access to his stuff anymore but he has full access to mine and then um he didn't break up with me he was just like I just need to think like I don't know if I can ever trust you again and then that went on oh my god it felt like fucking forever it was like slowly ripping my heart out it was literally suffering and yeah he just like stopped talking to me and he was like I just need space like I don't want to walk you to class like I don't want to talk at school and like I just don't really want to text that much and yeah so we literally just sent each other streaks for like to me it literally you could tell me it was months and I would be like dude yeah but it was probably like a few weeks maybe that this went on and yeah it was pretty much like no contact except then valentines happened oh my god yeah valentines day and so his mom like made him get me valentines because we were dating and so he had to come to my house and bring me my valentines and he was like I pretty much just did this because my mom made me like pleasure my girlfriend but like I don't want to do this and of course that fucking ripped my heart out and because we're still boyfriend and girlfriend at this point he hasn't broken up with me like he's just like needing space or whatever and then yeah more that was the only time I saw him throughout the weeks and then one day he just sent me this giant text breaking up with me and yeah that was insane I was like I really like swore I was gonna marry this person like yeah we're in 8th grade but like our parents literally always talked about like planning our wedding all of our friends everyone like we were like this dream couple like we were definitely very romanticized and yeah like I don't know like I really like thought I was like locked in forever which yeah crazy but like that's literally how I thought at the time and so yeah when this person broke up with me it was like insane I mean I didn't like want to unalive myself but I didn't see a point of moving forward and yeah so that was really hard for me but that time I did have my mom because that relationship was like our moms were friends so our moms were pretty involved in that relationship and it was super healthy like I would say like I don't know obviously we had like immature like like it was like middle school and high school so it was like in that like 8th freshman year so yeah I don't know just immature shit but overall like I don't know that feels like it was honest love like I was like oh my god we're literally getting married like I don't know I think it was a lot of it was healthy and a lot of it was extremely healing considering how mine and Ted's relationship went so it was like at least like Tim like had some respect for me and like actually did care about me specifically like it wasn't really about my body and yeah so yeah like that is up to 8th grade and up to freshman year of the men and yeah and then like after that like me and Tim mmm yeah cause that ended freshman year so there was like a few more points throughout high school where like we would kind of have phases where we like kind of hang out again and like mmm I don't know like I kind of thought like those were like we were gonna get back together I don't know Tim's perspective of it but that's what I thought every time we would hang out again I'm like oh my god like maybe we get back together like I was so in love with Tim but yeah yeah weird I don't know I don't know the last time I saw Tim was like graduation or something maybe I have no idea but yeah crazy mmm yeah so now I guess after that the next episode will be the rest of high school the current I feel like I'll be able cause Ted and Tim are like really the most like biggest I would say influence of some of the biggest influences that I have with men in my life and that teacher but yeah the rest I think I'll be able to fly through pretty fast a lot of them are the same situations but anyway I love you bye