Take 1 Stand Up Take- 7 mins

The speaker identifies as queer and shares their experiences growing up in a conservative Christian family. They discuss their mother's attitude towards queer people and their own identity. They mention their love for Chappelle Roane, a drag queen pop artist, and their interest in the "Lesbian Master Doc," a document that helps women determine their attraction to men. The speaker then humorously describes their experiences dating men and compares it to different methods of self-destruction. They also touch on dating conservative men and the contradictions they often encounter. The speaker concludes by suggesting that sometimes it's better to take control of their own destiny. Hi! How's everybody doing? Good? Good. Anyone here a part of the Alphabet Mafia? Yeah? Where are my queers? Raise your hands. Identify yourself. I'm also gay. I identify as queer or pan, but for the straight people in the room who don't know what that means, it's basically like if you had a multiple choice question and it's asking you, who are you attracted to? A. Men. B. Women. C. Other. I chose D. All of the above. Right? But to help people understand a little better, I like to just say that I'm bi, which is interesting and slightly stereotypical because I grew up in a very conservative Christian family. My mother, for example, is someone that I would like to call a homophobic hobbist. Right? Like, she's definitely homophobic, but she's not calling queer people slurs or anything. I mean, like, she's an interior designer, after all, and let's be real, that field is dominated by gay men. Okay? Which means that she's the type of homophobic that if you're at a bar with her, if you're a gay man, she's, like, gonna dance with you, maybe make a couple jokes, but then she'll go home and pray that you turn from your sinful lifestyle. But if you're a gay woman, she'll talk shit behind your back, like the chismosa that she is. Anyways, yeah, I mean, like, sure, I have short hair, and I'd like me a good button-up and cuffed jeans, but, and I have short nails for extracurricular activities, but I don't fall into all of the gay stereotypes, okay? Like, if you ask me what the blinking lights on my dashboard means, I'm down for the count. Listen, I don't know anything about cars, okay? That's why God made men and beautiful masc lesbians, alright? So a feminine girl like me can just sit pretty while they fix everything. But I've been listening to a lot of Chappelle Roane lately. Anybody know Chappelle Roane? You know, Pink's Party Club, you know? I'm gonna keep on dancing. Good luck, babe. You know? When you wake up, there's a hand in the middle of the night with your head in your hands. Anyways, you get what I'm saying. Chappelle Roane. I love Chappelle Roane, and she's basically, for those of you who don't know, a drag queen, lesbian, pop artist. A.K.A. my conservative Cuban police officer for a father's worst nightmare. Okay? And yeah, so obviously I'm obsessed with her music. No, not because I have daddy issues. Because I have mommy issues. Thank you very much. And yeah, so that just made me start reading the Lesbian Master Doc. And if you don't know what that is, you're probably not a gay woman. This Lesbian Master Doc, for those of you who don't know, is a 30-page document entitled, Am I a Lesbian? It's intended for women who are struggling to figure out whether they're actually attracted to men because they've been told to their whole life by the media, family, religious people, or if they actually are attracted to men. I can fix that later. And despite the intentions of the author to help queer people figure this out, in my experience, it's just more confusing than anything. Like, I first opened up the book and I flipped, obviously, to sex and intimacy with men section first. And that didn't help me at all because I realized that, yeah, I'm sexually attracted to men, but I have no clue if I'm romantically attracted to them. So I figured out that the best way to find that out is by going on more dates with men. And that's when I realized that it was not my romantic attraction that was the issue. They were. Dating in men is like choosing which way you're going to kill yourself. You could go with pills, right? Pills get the job done quickly and efficiently. Helps you with your anxiety, gets you focused, but most days, it just makes you drowsy. You know, you're happy that you're on the right path, but you're falling asleep in conversation. Dating this person feels like the movie Groundhog Day. Just wake up. How's your morning, beautiful? Good. How about you? Good. What are you doing? Just getting ready for work. You? Same. Then you go out of work. Hey, how's work? Good. How about you? Good. Like, oh my God, on and on and on again, the same conversation every single day. Like, just fucking kill me, please. Then I need to rest and let the meds just take me into that eternal slumber. Then you could also go with carbon monoxide poisoning. Carbon monoxide poisoning just feels like a liberal manipulator. He asks you for consent before y'all get freaky, so you start the car. Sorry. He believes in women's rights and bodily autonomy, so you get in your car. He asks for consent before y'all get freaky, so you start the car. A week in, he tells you he loves you. Then you press the clicker, and the garage slowly starts to close in on you. Then you start to cough. Spumes start getting thicker. You ask him to do one dish, and he's like, Oh my God, you know I have executive dysfunction from my chronic depression and ADHD. I can't believe you would ask me to do that. You're seriously triggering me right now. Now I gotta go cry in my room audibly loud for an hour while hugging my comfort pillow. Then you roll the windows up, because why even try anymore at this point? Then you all at least could use the gun. The gun is a misogynist. He's a conservative, but his profile says he's a moderate, because he knows if he were to put conservative on there, he wouldn't get pussy. That is why they have to make a dating app for Trumpies. Have y'all heard of it? It's called The Right Stuff. I'm surprised they're having trouble finding women to sign up for it. There's a little bit of a rush that you feel when you're with this guy. It's like having the barrel to your head, and you're like, I know I'm in danger, but it's kind of hot in bed. He doesn't believe in climate change, but he's pussy like he votes for Bernie. The one thing I will say about Republican men, in my experience, is that they worship the ground that you work on when it comes to romance, but just not when it comes to your voting rights, unfortunately. These men love two things above all else. They're guns, and they're guns. There's only one thing that they let you touch a bit there. Unfortunately for gay women, though, there's a huge portion of the masculine-lesbian community that falls into this category. They went so far to the left, they ended up on the right. And that's how I learned that sometimes it's just better to pull your own trigger. Thank you so much, that was my time.