Couples Audio 2

The transcription is a conversation between Erin and Brennan Decima discussing a study on couples and finances. They talk about the challenges of discussing money in relationships, the reasons behind it, and their own experiences with managing finances as a couple. They highlight the importance of communication, sharing financial responsibilities, and being transparent about spending. Erin mentions her upbringing's impact on her approach to finances, and they discuss the need for couples to have open conversations about money to avoid stress and tension in the relationship. Erin also talks about her habits of calling Brennan before making significant purchases and emphasizes the importance of both partners being informed about the household's finances. They touch on the disparity in decision-making roles regarding finances between men and women and stress the significance of joint financial planning. The conversation concludes with them discussing strategies for improving financial com All right. We're recording. Okay. All right. Let's try. All right. You want to kick us off? Okay. Hello, everyone. Welcome to the first episode of Spending Time with the Decimals. I am Erin Decima. And I'm Brennan Decima, and I'm really excited for this. I've been doing YouTube for the last couple of weeks. It's incredibly awkward, so nice to bring you into the fold for the awkwardness, Erin. Today, we are going to talk about a... No, I already don't even know what we're talking about. What was it? What's it called? What was it? A study. Okay. All right. All right. Let's go again. You want to start over? You can just render recording. Okay. All right. All right. Hello, everyone. Welcome to our first podcast, Spending Time with the Decimals. I am Erin Decima. And I'm Brennan Decima, owner of Decimal Wealth Consulting. And today, we are going to be talking about a study on couples and finance. The study was actually something that is very interesting because we are a couple. And obviously, my husband, the owner of Decimal Wealth Consulting, is a financial planner. So we have a lot to talk about on this, don't we, Brennan? Yeah, I think we do. It's fascinating. Money is probably the most common reason for arguments in any relationship. It's the most common reason for separation. I saw a study that 40% of couples say that they're not aligned with their partner on finances. So I think today, we can kind of unpack why it's so hard to discuss finances and some things that we can do to hopefully improve our communication and help the listeners out there improve theirs as well. So this study was actually done last year in 2024. It was a couples and money study. And it showed that the biggest reason that couples argue is over money. I can probably say that that is one of our reasons that we argue. I don't know if it's our biggest reason, but we might have a little bit of an upper hand in that, given your profession. It says that one out of every four of couples has said that they resent being left out of financial decisions in conversations that they have. So I feel like that's actually very enhanced conversations that couples could have a better grasp on. Why do you think that money is such a difficult topic for couples to have? Yeah, I think in general, for most people, it's really, really hard to talk about money. And I think that starts with the social stigma. For a lot of people, they grew up and it's been somewhat taboo. As a society, I think it's considered impolite for some reason to talk about salary or net worth or spending. But in general, I think there's really three primary reasons. I think first, just like any of our trauma, it comes from your childhood. So how you were raised. In my household, if we brought up questions about money or spending, that was something that was shut down. So you just kind of get used to not bringing it up. And that carries through to adulthood. I think money and spending is incredibly personal. So it's not just the spending, right? But what you spend money on. It says a lot about your beliefs. It says a lot about your values. And people are afraid of being judged for their financial choices. So I think they're really hesitant to share their spending, to avoid judgment from family, friends, neighbors in general. And then I think the last thing is, it can be a power situation as well. If one spouse is making all of the decisions, that gives them a level of control. And that power dynamic, I think, for some people is something that they're just hesitant to give up. But I would say the most common reason is probably fear of judgment. And that judgment creates anxiety. Anxiety can feel paralyzing. I deal with that myself. So we try to avoid uncomfortable feelings. And if the money conversation is uncomfortable, people try to steer clear of it. Right. We've been married, I mean, coming up to our 10th anniversary together almost, coming up to our 13th year almost together. And I would say even our households of how we grew up are very different. So even how I grew up and how you grew up are different. So blending that, even though we've been together for a really long time, is also really different. So possibly even having those kind of conversations. How do you think we do on having those conversations? I guess even with each other, how we grew up or having that sort of maybe fear of the conversations with peers or the different three topics you had? Yeah. So I think first and foremost, we've got a lot of opportunity to improve. You know, I feel that because it is my profession, it's something where I want to get it right. I want to do it perfect. So that stress of taking care of the family can sometimes feel overwhelming, even though I do it for a living. And I'm guilty of when I'm being questioned. Instead of just taking that as a innocent question, it's almost as a, I take it as your second guessing some of my decisions. So I don't think I do a great job in some senses. I think on the other hand, you know, for someone that takes care of all the finances, I think you have a really good grasp on what we're spending, our monthly budget. You know how much we have in investments and savings. You know how much we have in debt and liabilities. So I think there's some things that we've done really, really well. I think one thing that I can do better, and hopefully I'm not alone with this, but I think, and you've brought it up, but I'm fortunate that you stay home with the kids. I'm the one that is the breadwinner, but I don't do a great job sharing or clearing big purchases with you. But on the other side of that, if you make a big purchase and you didn't clear it with me, I know wrongfully I would get worked up about that. But I think both of us have some strengths and weaknesses, but I think more of the challenge is on my end, just communicating better. So yeah, I think we absolutely have opportunity there. Yeah. I would say probably a little bit behind the scenes. I know when we were first married, I had like a budget in my head of I did not spend over a certain amount. And I think when we were first married, I think like my dollar limit, you know, when we were, I was still in school, I think like I didn't spend over the transaction, like $50. I would not spend over $50, even if it were groceries, I would not spend over $50. And then as I made more, I would not spend like that. If that dollar figure was over $100 on the transaction, I would call you. And like obviously, as we've had more successes in our life, but you know, like the transaction dollar, but I still have that number in my head. Whatever that number might be, maybe I won't disclose that to the audience. But I do still have a dollar figure that if it will exceed a certain amount, I still will call you because I do know a running tally of what our budget can be a month. And even though I don't necessarily check the credit card statement, you know, we don't do a checkbook, a balance, you know, have a like, like you see in the checkbook balance, everything, I feel like I have almost like a running tally and I can almost estimate like, are we getting near our budget? And if it is getting close, I'll not make that sort of unnecessary purchase, or it won't be needed. Or I will have a phone call conversation with you of is this quick way set or maybe a pair of shoes that our son doesn't need, but could possibly need in the next month because he's growing that conversation phone call with you. But that is a phone call that like I have with you. So maybe we do have a different kind of conversation than other couples have. Yeah, I think, you know, one, I'm really appreciative that you do that. And I think that you're aware that that's something that's important to me to have the conversation. On the other side of that, I think that goes back to why it's uncomfortable. That's a control thing. You know, if I didn't get that call, I'd feel out of control, which is very stressful for me. So yeah, I appreciate you understanding that. But on the other side, I think the more communication anyone has, the less you're likely to just let that stress build and create tension and create arguments down the road. So yeah. But I would say interestingly enough, probably in your house, well, not probably interest in your house, your dad did the finances, but in my house, and still to this day, my mom did all the finances. So it is interesting that like, I don't have, I would say none, but I have very little knowledge of the finances in our house. And my mom to this day has probably all of the finances in our house. So that kind of switch of me not, and now I really do want to have much more knowledge because I know like things can happen at any point. And I would never want to be in the dark about that. And I think that is really important with the couples you talk to is to never have like a crazy moment happen, like life or trauma or accidents can happen at any moment. And to have those conversations with your partner, so that you would be able to know what is going on with your finances at any moment is really important. Yeah, I think it's critical. And, you know, I just want to point out, it's great that your mom does that, but she's absolutely in the minority. Yeah, that study, I thought it was just incredible. But only 19% of women reported that they were the decision maker when it came to retirement planning or investment. So it's great to hear that she takes that over. But, you know, if something goes wrong, not having that joint foundation leads whoever's not the decision maker in a really stressful period. So the communication is key. So what would you say are good questions that couples could ask each other to kind of get better? We've kind of shared, I guess, a little bit of things that we do, like I call you, but maybe that's not realistic for some people. Or that's just something that kind of silly that I did, starting when I was in my early 20s, that I've sort of carried over. Any other things that you talk to your clients about, or you've found that works in your experience? For couples to communicate back and forth, or even in like, retirement planning or going forward and having those kind of conversations with each other? Yeah, so I think in general, you know, sitting down, having a regular meeting that you stick to, something that's consistent, and approaching it from a point of curiosity and not debate. You know, with money, I think a lot of people, because it's tied to our beliefs and values, we don't want to be wrong, right? So I think a lot of the tension comes from both people trying to prove that their spending is justified or that they're right. So that's not a great recipe for success in a relationship is debate and proving you're right, right? You know, happy wife, happy life. But I do think curiosity is the key. I think acting as a team is key. So, you know, understanding what the partner's spending goals are, not just short term, but long term. You know, I think the study was really, you know, I think the study was really kind of eye opening in the sense that a lot of people had very differing views within relationships of what retirement looked like for them. So, you know, the amount of people that get divorced in retirement is incredibly high. And I think that's because the conversation wasn't had before retirement of what that next chapter look like. So I think it's really important to understand what your spouse's biggest financial concern is, what keeps them up at night. And then I think another fascinating one, and, you know, I'd be curious your take on this. There's no wrong answer. But if you were to have $10,000 that you found tomorrow, what would you do with it? You know, and I'd love to hear your answer, but, you know, there's no wrong answer. I think it's more just getting some context into what your partner would do with that money, which is a good representation of saving spending priorities. But... I mean, my true answer is going to be very different than I know what every sort of like 99.9%. But again, it's very huge. Why? Because my husband is a financial lender. I would ask you what I should do with it. If my husband wasn't a financial lender, I would probably go on a vacation. I would do an African safari or something. But because my husband is a financial lender, I would say, what do we do with this $10,000? Because, you know, you don't have to make $10,000, turn it into a lot more money in my investing it. So that would be, that's my honest, true realistic answer. But, you know. Great answer. I mean, if you can find an African safari for us for $10,000 or $100,000, you can post it. That is my true answer, but like my want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, that you do know what to do with money, and that is kind of why I have taken a backseat, and I do trust you with our finances. So I guess that's a lot of the questions I have with the finance study that I saw on it. Are there any other things that you read on it that you kind of wanted to bring up? You know, I think the one thing that was incredibly fascinating was 25% of people that responded said they'd prefer to find out that their significant other was texting an ex as opposed to finding out that they had hidden credit card debt. So I think that that is just a wild concept. I can be adamant with you. I'm in the 75% that would prefer to have you have surprise credit card debt and not text your ex, but one out of four people would prefer to have found out that their ex or spouse was texting an ex, which is just a wild number to me. Well, I think that also probably goes to show with the fact of, like, how much credit card debt does the American population often have? And so maybe that also says how much people realize that credit card debt is a big issue too. Yeah, it's a huge issue. So, you know, I think having those conversations with your partner and realizing, like, what your debt, what conversations you have, shared finances, separate finances, those real conversations you have, or if you have joint accounts or separate accounts, what is in your separate accounts, what your idea of retirement is. That actually leads me to another question. What is your, I don't, I don't know if we've ever had that conversation, what is your thought of retirement? Like, what are we doing when we retire? What are you doing? Not we, I have my own vision. What's yours? We'll blend them, but what's yours then? Yeah, so I think, and this caught me off guard with that, but I- Why don't we all share some of that picture of retirement? It doesn't look a whole lot different than what I do today. I love the fact that we own our own business and we're able to spend time with family and we're able to be healthy and go to the gym and we're able to travel the country, travel the world. So I see retirement looking very similar. It's having a good balance of still contributing, whether that's doing what I'm doing now, and helping people through their biggest moments, spending time with my loved ones and traveling while still being healthy. I love working out. I love climbing. So in retirement, the kids will be out of school, most likely giving us more free time. But yeah, I think that the biggest difference is when I worked for a large corporation, there was always this hurry to retire early. And I think part of that was because you're working 50, 60 hours a week. Even on weekends, you're thinking about the emails and the voicemails and what you have to do the next week. Setting up my own business has allowed me an incredible amount of freedom, an incredible amount of time with the family. So I feel like I can do this indefinitely while it's not taking away from our ability to have a ton of fun and be together. So yeah, my retirement doesn't look a whole lot different than what we're doing right now today. Yeah. How about yours? Well, I'm a stay-at-home mom, so I'll never retire. I'm always a mom. Once a mom, always a mom. Mom, always a mom. I'll get a call from my kids for the rest of my life. So yeah, I'm happy with that. It's a great next chapter. Yeah. All right. So I think that probably sums it up for our first episode, our first podcast. The next episode is going to focus on five key themes of a successful financial plan. If you found this helpful, please subscribe and have a wonderful week. Thank you so much.