Brandon Held - Life Is Crazy - Episode 8

Brandon Held talks about his college years, his divorce, and his relationships with multiple women. He eventually moves to Dayton to be closer to his son and reconciles with his ex-wife. He also discusses the challenges he faced in transferring schools and the sacrifices he made for his son. Welcome back to Brandon Held, Life is Crazy, Episode 8. So, I have gotten you through most of the things in my childhood, and I have gotten you through my time in the Air Force, and my first marriage, and the birth of my son Ethan. You know, but this didn't happen until I was in college. I didn't get divorced for about two years after, two or three years after I got out of the Air Force. Frankly, it was a little bit selfish of me. I wasn't into the relationship really at all much anymore, but I was a poor college student, and you know, I had a place to live and food, and I had a room and board and food. And, you know, still everything, access to the gym and playing basketball and, you know, all the amenities that came with being in the military, I still received as a dependent spouse. I could play intramural sports on base. And, you know, I still did that stuff. I still played basketball. I still played volleyball. It was just with the medical group now instead of the security police group. I won a base championship in volleyball. I won a base championship in flag football. These were as a civilian, and they were good times. They were fun. I had a great time, made some good friends. And so, you know, I started at Minot State in my broadcasting and journalism degree, and, you know, I started off light. You know, you start off with your gen eds and your early communication classes, and it was great because I was doing all right. I was doing pretty well. I was generally getting Bs and some As, and it was building my confidence that I could do this college thing, right, because I was doing it almost full time. At some point, though, I had gotten a job to be a server at Applebee's, and so I also was doing that, but mostly on the weekends while I was going to college, and I was still married. But eventually, my marriage came to an end, as you know, and in that time, I was dating three women, as I discussed. One was a college student with me. I met her in the college. One was a girl I just saw at the pool when I was swimming. Just thought she was really pretty. And then the third was this blonde that was interested in me that I was told by my friends that I mentioned previously, but I didn't get into that, so I'll get into it here. And the reason that this is significant is because it helped me cross a line that you can't uncross and you can never go back, and it in some ways changes you, right? So I lost what I considered one of my best friends in a divorce because, you know, he had interests in my wife that I wasn't aware of, and I had never guessed that prior to that. And then I start seeing this girl that I think is cute and is interested in me and I'm interested in her, and we get together and we hook up, and then after we are together and after we've been together a few times and a little while, she springs on me that she is married and that she has a husband who's in the Air Force. Now, that was significant because had I known that prior, I would not have even given her the time of day, right? Up front, I wasn't that kind of person. It's not who I wanted to be, and I would have never helped someone have an affair. I would have not been a part of that consciously. However, at this point, I had been with her, and I already knew that I enjoyed her company and being with her. And then after she told me that, I, you know, was kind of like, well, shit, that line has been crossed. So what can I do? I can't go backwards. So what's done is done, and I gave myself the out of, well, I crossed the moral threshold that I thought I would not ever cross, but here I am. And so, I mean, obviously, I knew it was what it was, which is kind of what it was anyway, because I wasn't serious. I was with two other girls at the same time as her. And, you know, you kind of wonder why everyone's so cool about something like that, right, quote-unquote cool, because, you know, the girl I was in college with, as far as I know, she wasn't seeing anyone else. She was only seeing me. But the girl that I met from the pool, she was also seeing someone else, but she wasn't being open and honest about that. And, you know, eventually that came to a head because one day I confronted her, you know, and she said, well, you know, you can't say anything to me. You're seeing other girls. And I said, well, at least I was honest with you. You know, you were hiding that from me. And then, of course, the married girl, obviously, eventually that had to end, too, because, you know, at the end of the day, I tried to keep going with it, but I could only go with it for so long. And then I ended up, you know, ending that. So after I was seeing all three, I just ended up dating the one girl that I was going to college with. And so she was the one I was seeing kind of exclusively because I had become a competition between the three of them. I had seen how they were each trying to get more of my time and pull me away from the other two. You know, I wasn't naive to that. I saw that happening. But at the end of the day, there was only one that really deserved it, and it was the one that, as far as I knew, wasn't seeing anyone else. So that's the one I decided to just date exclusively. But then, you know, the birth of Ethan happened. And within a month, I believe about a month after he was born, his mom got stationed at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base in Dayton, Ohio. And I realized that when she left, like, I can't be here. I only had a year of college left. But young, impatient, you know, can't see the future, don't have any guidance. I thought, well, I can't, you know, wait a year to see my son. You know, he won't even know who I am in a year. So I decided I needed to transfer to Wright State in Dayton so I could be close to my son, which was cool, you know, as far as being close to Ethan. But let's be honest, if I was going to go back to Ohio and go to school, I wanted to go to Ohio State. But I couldn't do that because that wasn't where Ethan lived, and I would have never seen him. So what ended up happening was is I called Ethan's mom. You know, I knew she held a candle for me. I knew she was interested in me. A lot of stuff happened that I won't get into the details. Well, I was dating these other women where she was still trying to be involved in my life, still trying to be a part of my life. And, you know, so I knew that was always there. And so I called her and I said, hey, I want to move back to Dayton, or I want to move to Dayton to be by Ethan and be a father. How do you feel about me staying with you? Because I was a poor college student. I had no money. I didn't have a job. And I knew that was the only way I was going to get there. And she, at first, was hesitant. But then, you know, she was like, oh, what does that mean? You know, does it mean we're going to be together? What does that mean? I don't want you coming here living with me and bringing girls back to my house, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, no, I won't do that to you. You know, we can reconsider giving it another try for the sake of our son while I'm there. But, you know, we can discuss all that when I get there. But I promise you, I won't be dating girls and bringing them back to your house. And so she agreed. So I was poor. I didn't even have the money to pack up a U-Haul and drive the stuff that I had to Ohio. So I had to call on the one person that I could always call on, the only person I could ever call on, and that was my grandmother. And she gave me some money, and she gave me enough that I could do that and make that happen. And thank you, ma'am. I know you're in heaven now, but, you know, you did so much for me. There's no way I could ever repay you. So anyway, I packed up. I moved to Dayton. I moved in with Ethan's mom and now with Ethan. And I was now going to college and living with my ex again and being with my son. And so while I was there, you know, everything was cool. Everything was amicable. Like I said, she had never been bad to me. So I, you know, outside of the way some things went down while she was pregnant and giving birth, I really had no reason to be upset or disgruntled with her. So we decided like, all right, let's give this a try again. We'll take it slow. We won't do anything crazy. You know, we're not just going to jump back in and be remarried or anything like that. We'll just see how it goes. A lot of things have happened, you know, but our son deserves this opportunity for us to try. So I was going to college at Wright State. And by the way, this transfer cost me a year of credits, right? So had I stayed at Minot and went to Minot State, I would have been in my senior year and I would have graduated with a broadcasting journalism degree from Minot State. So when I transferred from Minot State to Wright State, they didn't have an identical degree with identical courses. So they dropped some of my courses and said, oh, these don't count. And that essentially put me where now I needed to go to college for two more years to graduate. So I had to tack another year on to my college education for my undergraduate. And then also I wouldn't end up graduating with specifically a broadcasting journalism degree. It would be more with a math communications degree, which is what I ended up with. And, you know, for the love of my son, I thought that was worth it. You know, whatever. It's not the exact degree I wanted. I have to go to school a year longer, which isn't free. So, you know, more struggling, more student loans, but whatever. He's worth it. I'll do it. So I'm on that path. And I'm not there just a few months, you know, three, four months. I really don't remember the time, but it was fast. And my, you know, my mother and my sister and maybe my grandmother came down to visit and meet Ethan for the first time. Because, you know, Dayton was only about three hours away from where they lived. And, you know, my sister went out with Ethan's mom that night, Dana. And while they were out, you know, my sister was single. She was checking out dudes, whatever. And I don't know if Dana was caught up in the moment or what. But she was like, oh, that dude right there, he's really cute, you know. And my sister went over to that guy and goes, see that girl right there? She thinks you're really cute. So that guy comes over and he starts talking to her and she's like receptive to it. And she lets him buy her a drink and, you know, all the ensuing stuff that happened after that. They're dancing, being, you know, hanging out together, whatever. And then, you know, like, they get home late at night, whatever. And then the next day, my sister tells me this story. She tells me all of it. And like, all at once, I'm like pissed at my sister and pissed at Dana at the same time. Because I'm like, you know, I'm pissed at my sister because she was a part of that. Like, she helped set that up. Like, what was your motivation? What are you thinking? Like, you know, we're trying to do something here for the sake of this little boy. And you're just throwing gas on a fire. And then I got mad at Dana because she, you know, took it. She accepted that gas and she went with it and she ran with it. And I felt betrayed by two people in one moment. And then that was that. That was the end of that. And, you know, I asked her about it and she was like, look, you already hurt me once really bad. You know, I don't know if I can take that kind of pain again. Blah, blah, blah. So it was like her defense mechanism or whatever. But I was just like, yeah, this just isn't going to work. So I had to go find me a place to live. And that's what I did. Luckily, I found a guy who needed a roommate. And, you know, I jumped in that situation because it's college, right? People come and go. And so I just jumped in with this guy that I didn't know at all. And his story was kind of intriguing. He had previously attended Ohio State, full ride paid for by his father. But he was too busy partying and having a good time. And he failed out of Ohio State, you know, and so he had to get a full time job. And he got a full time job working nights at FedEx, like loading airplanes and stuff. And he decided he wanted to go back to school. And his dad was like, uh-uh, sorry, buddy. You had your chance. You blew it. If you want to go back to school, you got to figure it out. So this guy was going to Wright State and he was working the night shift at FedEx up all night and then after work going to school during the day. And then trying to squeeze a few hours in, you know, after school and before work to do it all over again. And so I just saw like what he was going through, you know. And it was also another eye-opening experience for me, you know, to see like it could always be worse, right. I mean, I may not have loved my current situation, but at least I was not surviving off four or five hours of sleep a night and trying to work and do school. So, you know, I was in that situation and then, you know, I was going to Wright State and everything was cool. Like I met some cool people there, you know. I met several guys at the gym and they were part of the Fight Hall fraternity. And at this point in my life, I had been lifting weights. I started lifting weights in college at Minot State, which I was never really a weightlifter prior to that. But I started, you know, because I was tired of being six foot one and skinny, you know, 170, 175 pounds, whatever I was staying. And I just always felt skinny. So I decided I wanted to put on some muscle, pack on some weight and get strong. And so I started lifting at the gym and that's where I met some really cool dudes. And we became friends and they kept asking me to rush for this fraternity. And I was, you know, I was older than everyone else because I had done four years in the Air Force before I went to college. And then I was like, there's no way I'm going to let, you know, people younger than me haze me. There's no way. I'm not joining a fraternity and that's not going to happen. So, but we were all friends and it was all cool. So I just ended up hanging out with them, you know, and basically doing everything they did and living the life they did and going to the events they did without actually ever being in the fraternity. So that was kind of cool. I was never officially a FITOL, but I lived their FITOL life, went to all their events, parties. Eventually became really good friends with the president of FITOL. His name was Jeff Ratliff and I ended up moving in with him. So I was just living my life, going to school. After everything I had gone through, I kind of went the opposite direction and just became more of, you know, almost like I didn't want to date anyone. But, you know, at the end of the day, I'm a 25-year-old, 26-year-old, I don't remember what I was, 25-year-old young man with all the raging hormones that come with that and I'm not blind, right? So just trying to play sports and go to school and hang out with my buddies, but of course you're going to come across women in college and women that you see that you find attractive and you are into. And, you know, I dated one girl who genuinely was so pretty that when, you know, we went out together, like at say, let's just say a college party or something, dudes would come up to me and just shake my hand and be like, oh my God, how did you get that girl? She's so hot. You're so lucky. They would say stuff like that, right? But we were new in dating. I didn't really know her that well. I mean, I don't know. I guess I was just one of the few brave enough to let her know that I was interested and she was interested back. So we started dating, but it was so intimate, like we never kissed. I may have had my arm around her and we held hands and that was as intimate as that relationship got, except for the last night we were together, I was at home in my apartment and she was back in the dorms where she lived. And one of her friends calls me and says, you know, Missy's here and she really wants you to get over here right now. And it was late, super late at night, like midnight, 1 a.m., somewhere crazy like that. And her friend was like, she just needs you. She needs you to be here. And so I went, right, and I get there because I'm worried, like what's going on? What's happening? You know, this girl and I haven't even so much as kissed. And, you know, she's like, her friends are telling me I need to get there. So I get there and I find out she took ecstasy. Right. And for someone like me, who I haven't really said this yet in this podcast, but I'm 25, I've never drank, I've never smoked, I've never done any drugs. Right. And that's still true for me today at 51. But I didn't want to be with anyone who did those things either. Like, okay, drinking alcohol occasionally. Right. That's acceptable. People do that socially. Totally understand. But I didn't want to be around an alcoholic. I didn't want to be around any type of drug user. And I didn't want to be around anyone that smoked because smoking was disgusting to me. And so she took that ecstasy and she was like trying to get me to have sex with her and I wouldn't do it. Right. I mean, beautiful girl. I just didn't believe in that. I didn't want to take advantage of her like that. And so instead of doing that, I just stayed with her. Right. I stayed with her for the night, made sure she was okay. And I ended up falling asleep with her or whatever in her bed and helping her be okay. And then the next day I got up and that was it for me. I never called her again. She didn't call me. I didn't talk to her. She didn't talk to me. And I think I might have texted her like, you know, young punks do and said, you know, hey, this isn't going to work out. And she just responded like, I understand. And that was it. And then, you know, when I was seeing people on campus after that, they were like, oh, what happened to that girl you were with? And I was like, it didn't work out. You know, I broke up with her or whatever I would say. And they would be like, oh, my God, she dumped you. She dumped you. And then I'd be like, no, that's not what happened. She didn't dump me. And people would flat out just be like, I don't believe you. You're lying. There's no way you would dump that girl. But it was true. I did. And so, you know, just another experience in life that I learned about myself that, you know, no matter what the circumstance, I have standards. I have things that I want. And there's no disrespect to her. I mean, maybe she was just in an experimentation phase in college. I don't know how she went on to live her life or what happened to her. But, you know, it just wasn't for me at that time. And then, you know, there was another girl that was theirs, blonde, really pretty. Everyone called her Hot Heather. We ended up working at a tanning bed together. And she expressed interest in me. She expressed that she wanted to be with me. But I knew already that she used cocaine. Like, I've heard other people say it. I heard it straight out of her mouth. And I was just like, I want no part of that. I don't want to be with someone using cocaine. So I also didn't date her. But while I was at the gym working out and, you know, with my buddy Jeff, my roommate Jeff, we basically became everyday workout partners. And we were lifting. And I had gotten much bigger and stronger. I was taking protein shakes. I was taking creatine. I mean, I packed on, I believe, 30 pounds, 25, 30 pounds while I was lifting quickly. I mean, my chest grew really fast. My back grew. I already had strong legs. And so they had gotten stronger. And I just was a completely different frame. And there was this really beautiful redhead that would come in and work out. Now, she wasn't a natural redhead. It was clearly a dye job. But it was a nice dye job. She looked pretty. And I just, she was really fit. She was in amazing shape. And I kept seeing her there. And I kept going home and talking about her to my buddy Jeff, you know, like, oh, my God, this girl is so pretty, blah, blah, blah. And then one day he's just like, when we were at home, he's just like, just stop being a pussy. Just go ask her out. You know, I'm tired of hearing you talk about it. Don't be a pussy. Go talk to her. And so, you know, I felt called out and challenged. But I was, you know, frankly intimidated by her. And so I was like, all right, you know what, I'm not going to let my roommate call me a pussy. So I'm going to do that. I'm going to go ask her out when I see her. And the next day, I went to the gym. I saw her. And, you know, she was on a warm up bike, riding it by herself. And I was like, well, that's my shot. You know, there's no one around her. That's my shot. I can do it. I can ask her out. And so I approached her. And then that's where this episode is going to end. I will tell you next time what happened when I approached her. And thank you for joining me. And I'll talk to you again in episode nine.