Brandon Held - Life Is Crazy - Episode 5

The speaker talks about his amateur issues in broadcasting and how he wants to be more authentic in his podcast. He then discusses his experience in a mental institution and how he was able to return to work as a cop despite the doubts of others. He shares his focus on sports and how he would spend hours playing basketball. He also talks about meeting a girl and starting a relationship with her, despite her being involved with a married man. They eventually get married and move into a bigger house, but the speaker realizes that he and his wife have different attitudes and outlooks on life. Welcome back to Brandon Howell's Life is Crazy. This is episode 5. I appreciate you for hanging in and sticking with me through all my amateur issues, like coughing on the mic and saying, you know, I went to broadcasting school, right? My undergraduate degree is essentially in broadcasting that I graduated with in 2000. So in the back of my mind, I know do's and don'ts for broadcasting, but these are professional broadcasting rules. I don't really care. I want to feel more like you're sitting next to me on the couch and we're having a conversation and you're getting who I am. You're not getting some filtered version of me who's trying to be a professional, who's trying to even enunciate properly, because I do also notice that I, you know, sound like a hillbilly from Ohio a little bit the way that I talk. But I'm not. I mean, I'm from Ohio, but I could enunciate. I could be more professional. I could talk to you more professionally, but I don't want to do that. So this is what you're getting. This is what I'm offering. And I hope you like it. I hope it doesn't bother you because the point is to tell my story, not be a professional broadcaster. So where I last left off with you was the huge mistake I made going, getting myself into the mental institution down at Lackland Air Force Base. And, you know, after convincing the staff after two weeks of being there that, you know, this wasn't real, this wasn't legit, I overreacted to a situation. You know, they discharged me and they said, you know, go. So I went back to Minot and, you know, to be a mental cop, you have to be, you have to have this extra clearance. It's called PRP, Personality Reliability Program, Personnel Reliability Program. And many people were telling me after that fiasco, there was no way I would be a cop again. They weren't going to put a gun back in my hands because I did something so outrageous. I threatened suicide and they weren't going to take that risk on me. Yet somehow they did. Somehow I ended up right back as a cop. I don't remember the process. I don't remember if I had to talk to a commander. I don't remember what I had to do, but I got my PRP back and I ended up carrying my gun and I ended up back as a missile cop again. So here I am back in Minot deciding that since that previous relationship was over, I was just going to focus on growing and maturing and, you know, doing things I enjoy doing because I was 17 years old. I was still 17 when all of this was happening. And so I got myself into sports and I was to the point, you know, my favorite sport, I've always said my favorite sport to watch is football. My favorite sport to play is basketball and that was certainly true when I was younger. I'm definitely too old to do that now. I'm not too old. People can play at 51, but I can't. I don't have the knees or the back to do that. So my lower back is messed up. So anyway, I put my focus into that and, you know, I've always been kind of an all or nothing type of guy. That's still true to this day. It's hard as I try not to be that kind of guy. I want to be the kind of guy that doesn't have to be all or nothing. Side note, I'm currently listening to a podcast called The Power of Habit. And The Power of Habit has opened my eyes to things even now at 51 years old that's showing me that there are reasons I am the way that I am. I used to always call it addictive. I used to say, oh, I come from an addictive family, right? I told you about my uncles. I told you about my dad, my mom. And even, you know, my brother and sister eventually fell into that category where they became addicted. My sister became an alcoholic. My brother became an alcoholic and a drug addict. But I'll get to that later. It isn't just about being an addict. It's about the reward that you receive, the way it makes you feel when you do things. So because of that, because of that rush that you get to that feeling of satisfaction and what it does for you, I've always been an I'm either all in or all out. I try to be a little less now. But by and large, it's still who I am. So I would go to the missile field and I would work my three days out there. And then I would come back and I would play sports. And I would play whatever season it was. I played volleyball. I played softball. I played flag football. And I played basketball. And no matter what season it was, whenever I wasn't practicing or playing that sport, I was playing basketball. And it is no exaggeration to say I would get up in the morning on my days off and go to the gym, you know, take a drink, take some Gatorade, whatever, and I would play basketball for 12 hours. No eating, no stopping, no nothing. I mean, yeah, I would have to sit out games because there were pickup games. But I stayed in the gym at that basketball court for 12 hours and played basketball. And I did that more times than I could even count. And the only thing that really pulled me away from that was other sports. If I was playing a different sport, then I would stop playing basketball to go to softball practice or to a softball game or to football or to, you know, you get the picture. So that was my life at that point. And that's how I was living it. And, you know, one day I was playing volleyball. And I had been single for a little while at this point. And I was ready to get back out there, if you will, but not necessarily looking. The guy-to-girl ratio in Minot is insane. It's insane. It's something like eight guys to one girl. And that's not just single. That's the numbers. So you're on a military base. Most girls you meet on a base are married or they're in the military but also still married. So people in the military get married pretty quickly. They are quick to shack up and get serious. But I was playing volleyball one day, and I saw this girl. We were playing against the medical group. And I saw this girl there, and she looked like Demi Moore in Ghosts, if you know that look. You know, she had the shorter hair, but she had the look. She looked like her. That's who I thought when I saw her. And I was instantly attracted to her. So I was young. I was confident. I went up to her, and I started talking to her. And initially, she showed me a lack of interest, right? She wasn't really interested in me. And I didn't understand why. How could you not be interested in me? I'm young. I'm good looking. I'm athletic, blah, blah, blah. So I was ignorant slash arrogant a little bit back then. So I couldn't take really no for an answer. So somehow I reconnected with her again, and we started dating. And while we were dating, she was really honest with me about, hey, the reason I wasn't interested is I was having an affair with a married man. And I was like, you know, I've already told you who I am, what type of person I am. And I was just blown away by this, right? Being single and having an affair with a married man, that was just way beyond anything I would ever think of doing, so I thought, but at the time. Or, you know, it's just such bad behavior to me. I couldn't, you know, I couldn't believe it. And she explained her side of the story and how she just, when she first saw him, her attractiveness to him, he had green eyes and dark hair, which she's totally attracted to. And I had blue eyes and dirty blonde hair, which I was like the complete opposite of that. And she said that she wasn't interested in him initially, but they got close, and one thing led to another, and then she was having an affair with a married man. And so essentially she was turning to me to, you know, end that relationship and get into something that's more healthy and real, because she was hoping the guy would leave his wife for her, right? But we all know how that goes. That doesn't happen. Guys don't leave their wives for their mistress. There's a reason they marry their wives. I'm not saying it never happens, but typically that's not how that works out. So I ended up dating her, and, you know, in the beginning I wasn't too serious about it really. I never really was too serious about it. I took my relationship with her more lightly. I wasn't super romantic. I wasn't, you know, I wasn't even close to the guy that I am today or was in other relationships. I just took it more like, you know, we're two young people in Minot, and this is the hand we're dealt. And so eventually we ended up talking about, like, hey, if we get married, you know, we can get out of these barracks that we live in with our roommates in these small rooms, and they'll give us a big house, and we can go live in a big house. All we have to do is be married. Like, why not? Let's do that. And so we ended up getting married. I proposed to her. We ended up getting married, not without some bumps along the road and some fights and some broken engagements and, you know, all those things. And, you know, we got married, and it was exactly that. We lived in this two-story, three-bedroom home, and it was great. The home was great, right? And here I go from being this single guy who was stuck in this tiny barracks room with this cocky dude I didn't really care for to getting a three-bedroom house. That was great. And so we were just, you know, going along. We were living that life. And I could tell over time during the marriage she got more into the relationship. Like, she was genuinely falling deeper in love with me. Like, she was getting more feelings for me. And I was kind of going the other direction because I was an optimistic, happy-go-lucky type person with a positive attitude, and she was just really negative, you know? She would come home, complain about work, complain about the people she worked with, always worrying about the future and how she wasn't living the life she wanted to live, you know, being stuck in the Air Force. She wanted to be a realtor. That was like her dream job, and she was just so negative. And, you know, eventually that wore on me, and I reached a point where I couldn't deal with it anymore, and that relationship was coming to an end. It was ending. And so I approached her, you know. What really set it off was I was hanging out with some friends, and there was this blonde girl who my friends were telling me was interested in me, and I also was interested back in her. I was attracted to her. I wanted to see, you know, if that could be something. And I am not a scumbag, so I was like, well, I can't do anything like that because I'm married. But you put those two together, and they make the perfect cocktail for, you know, I approached her, and I said, I want to move out. I want a divorce. And she took it, and this is after four years of marriage, by the way, and she took it so much in stride, which was her pride, and she was just like, all right, you know, if that's what you want to do, I'll do it. I'll help you pack. I'll help you move. And it was really that smooth and that simple. And the whole time we were married, you know, she was supposed to have been on birth control, and at some point when she felt like the relationship was not in a good place, she had decided on her own to stop taking birth control, and she hid that from me. As a matter of fact, at one point I asked her, are you still taking birth control? She said, yes, I am. And it was a bold-faced lie. So I move out, and it's a pretty quick, amicable divorce with no fighting. So three months later, you know, I'm hanging out at a pool. This girl is sitting on my lap, and next thing I know, she comes walking into this pool. And you can tell she's, like, angry and upset. And so she walks up to me, and she hands me a manila envelope, and she says, here, we're divorced now. I hope you're happy. And she turns around, and she takes two steps, and she stops, and she turns around, and she says, oh, by the way, I'm pregnant, and turns around and walks out, right? So it was a real shocking moment for me. Shocking in every aspect, like her response to everything, like how she was angry we were divorced. She was clearly upset that I had moved on in my life. And then, you know, was she telling me the truth? Was she being nasty just to be nasty and say something to upset me, or was she legitimately pregnant? All that stuff was running through my mind. Well, eventually, I learned she was legitimately pregnant, okay? And I've left a lot out in this relationship. She had gotten pregnant a couple years before, and what she learned was she had a weak cervix, and she couldn't hold a pregnancy without being bedridden, but she didn't know that at that time. So the baby was born early and underdeveloped, and it was a little girl, and it was one of the most difficult things I ever had to go through in my life. Even though I was young and I wasn't ready to be a dad, I feel like what is tougher than that is you're there and you watch your wife give birth to a little girl, and you know a doctor has already told you it's premature, she's premature, her lungs are underdeveloped, there's literally nothing we can do about it. You're going to give birth to her, and she's going to die. And that's a heavy, heavy load to put on a 22-year-old man and woman. And so that's exactly what happened. She gave birth to a little girl. She came out screaming, crying, and she held her in her arms, and within an hour, she passed. She was gone. And literally one of the hardest things you'll ever have to deal with in life. And I hope that never happens to you or anyone you know or love. I'm even choking up a little bit thinking about it right now, and that was 30 years ago. And it certainly changed the way we were together. She was always really good to me, even though she was negative, even though she didn't have a positive outlook on life. She was never bad to me. She let me get away with murder. I wanted to play sports. I wanted to watch sports. I had direct TV. I would watch basketball, baseball, football, whatever season it was, I was watching sports. And I wasn't interested in being a real husband. I wasn't even trying to be a real husband. The only way I was trying to be anything was just by being honest and faithful. I didn't believe in cheating. I didn't want to cheat on her, even though opportunities had arisen where that stuff could have happened. It just wasn't who I was. I wanted to be true to myself, but I also was true to myself to a fault that I just wanted to do what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. And a lot of women wouldn't have put up with that. A lot of women would have been a nightmare to get along with, and she wasn't that. She dealt with it. She put up with it. And so she was never bad to me. I just couldn't put up with her attitude and her personality, the way she viewed life. And then when that incident happened, that amplified, that multiplied. She only became more negative about life. And that's really what helped lead to a faster track to the divorce. So I find out that now I'm divorced, and also I'm going to have a child at the same time, in the same moment. And it was a nasty time. She was bitter. She was angry. I was freshly divorced, 24 years old. Being a man whore, I was dating three girls at the same time. Openly, mind you, letting them all know, I just got divorced. I'm not serious about anyone. I don't want to be serious about anyone. I want to date whoever I want to date. And, you know, it's not a big town. And they all knew, all three of them knew, they were all seeing me at the same time. So it wasn't a secret. I was doing it openly. And I was trying to divide my life between, you know, three women and also deal with this situation with a pregnant ex-wife. And so she was really not kind to me in this time. And I'm not saying she should have been. She was hurt. She was bitter. And she just really wasn't telling me anything. She wasn't keeping me updated on her pregnancy. She wasn't letting me know anything. As a matter of fact, one night I went out to a club to go dancing, and I saw her there. And I was like, what are you doing here? Why are you here dancing? You're pregnant. You know you have a weak cervix and you can lose the baby. And she just looks at me and she says, that's what I'm trying to do. So she was intentionally trying to induce labor and lose the baby. And she made that clear that she didn't want the baby. And so for whatever reason, it didn't happen. And, you know, towards the later part of the pregnancy, she went on bed rest. And she kept him. And, you know, later I would come to learn that I had a son. And she gave birth to him, like, I don't know, four days before she even bothered to tell me he had been born. And I asked her, why don't you tell me? She's like, you know, you're not in my life. You don't need to know, you know, all the bitter stuff, right? And I said, you know, well, I want to come meet him. I want to come see him. And she opens the door to let me do that. She says, yes, you can come see him. You know, you can meet him. My mom's here. So you're going to have to deal with that. And I was like, okay, fine. And she's like, but you can't bring, you know, anyone you're dating, anyone you're seeing. She was very serious about that. And being a true grown adult male, I totally understand that now. But back then, I was like, why not? We're not together. I should be able to bring whoever I want. But that was rude of me. I should not have been like that. So I get there, and, you know, I go into her house, the house that we used to have together. And I go upstairs, and I see this beautiful little baby boy, and his name is Ethan. And I pick him up, and I hold him. And, you know, this rush of love comes over me, right? Like nothing I had ever felt before in my life, nothing. Even the birth of my little brother, even though that was as life-changing as it was right then, at this point, this is now mine. This is half me. This is something I created. And it was unbelievable how much love I felt for this little guy. And all I can think about is things like, you know, how can my dad spend the first two years of my life with me and then have nothing to do with me? You know, I think of things like that, and I just was thinking, like, I'm going to be such a good dad to this little boy. I'm going to love him, and I'm going to, you know, raise him and help him be the best boy he can be. And after my visit with him at the end, Ethan's mom has the nerve to come to me and say, hey, I'm going to ask you, can you not have anything to do with him? And I was like, what? And she was like, yeah, I can raise him. I can take care of him. I don't need you. I'm not going to ask for anything from you. I'm not going to ask for child support. I'm not going to ask you to take care of him. I'm not going to ask for anything. I'll take care of him. I'm just asking you to not be part of his life. You know, and I look at her, and I say something. I'm paraphrasing, you know, because it's a long time ago, to the effect of, do you know who I am? Do you not even know me? You know I grew up without a dad. You know that. You think I would do that to my own little boy? You know, there's no way in hell I would do that. And so, you know, I left her. I left upset and angry, the fact that she would even ask me to do that, when I had initially just felt all this love and joy and overwhelm by this little boy. So now I had a son, my first son, and his name was Ethan. And it was going to be life changing. And I will get to that eventually, but I will also end up backtracking and talking about some more things that happened in my Air Force life and my Air Force career. And I will do that on the next episode. So thank you for listening to this episode five, and I will talk to you next time.