riverside_atpeace_original_intel pod Ep1

The transcription is a podcast episode from Original Intelligence where the host, Peace Makita, discusses addressing overwhelm and self-doubt for mothers. She emphasizes the importance of mothers being seen, heard, and supported. The episode delves into the idea of not needing fixing but rather creating new systems and being authentic. The host dedicates the episode to Dr. Janelle Green Smith, a nurse's midwife who died from childbirth complications, highlighting the need for better support and infrastructure in maternal healthcare. Peace Makita shares personal experiences and insights on the topic. The episode aims to provide solutions and support for mothers, especially focusing on reducing racial disparities in childbirth and maternal mortality. Hello, welcome so much, welcome, starting already guys, welcome to Original Intelligence. If you are new here or returning, welcome. Thank you so much for joining us today on this episode. In this podcast, we question and we actually bring solutions to the cycles of overwhelm, of self-doubt, of burnout that keep us stuck and our primary focus here on this platform is to give a space for mothers to be seen, to be heard, to be vulnerable and to receive the support, the compassion and the solutions necessary to keep on keeping on because regardless of what's happening in the world, as mamas, we got to keep moving. Our children are depending on us, children are very self-centered when it comes to forget all that, I need to eat and I need a place to stay and I need my needs met and so it's a very grounding and humbling position to be in, to be a mama, especially with everything that's going on in the world and realizing that none of that matters if your children aren't good, if your children aren't straight, if your children aren't taken care of, if you're not able to really cover them the way they need. All the wars and the drama and the trauma and the chaos that's going on in the world really doesn't matter, so we'll get more off into that later but just know that this is a platform for you to come and to replenish your reserves, fill yourself up so that you can get back out there and do what you need to do and I just thank you guys so much for allowing this platform to exist, for showing up, for participating and for being here. Today we want to also discuss why fixing doesn't work and I know for myself for many years I walked around with this ideology and I know even today tons of mothers who walk around with this idea of they have to fix themselves or they have to fix what what was what's broken in their relationship or in their family or anything like that and when we come from a place of I got to fix this and why fixing doesn't work is because it's assuming that you're broken and that right there is a lie. You're not broken. You need to create new systems. You need to dismantle the system that is around you or the system that you've built within yourself and recreate that, rebuild it into what you need now today and so today you're going to walk away, leave this podcast with steps on how to move away from the I'm broken, I'm not enough, I'm a broke Betty, I need to be fixed, you know, nobody wants me, I'm a horrible mother, you know, you're going to move away from that mindset in this conversation and it's time to reimagine and it's time to elevate past that. I'm going to give you some practical, very easy to do steps and we're going to also go into the facts of things if you will and really talk about the problem on a social level as well as on an individual level. Okay, but thanks so much for joining. I'm your host at Peace Makita. Your host at Peace Makita. And this platform, let me give you the disclaimer now, this platform is for mature conversations and listeners only. This platform is to offer support, compassion, a cheering squad, an accountability partner, a sacred space for mothers and really for any individual who is at that space of wanting to go to the root of who they are, the core of who they are and really understand like what that means, understand how to apply it in their everyday life and for mothers especially, how are you showing up for your children and is it your authentic self? Is it who you truly are? Is it who you truly want to be? Is it an idea of motherhood that you got from generations past, that you got from your grandmother or your mother? Is it what your spouse or what your partner expects you to be as a mom or what you think your children want? But in the quiet of your heart and that still still quiet place deep within you, are you being the mother that you know you are? Are you showing up authentically? And if not, then why not? Why aren't you? These are the types of things we're going to talk about and these are very deep rooted conversations. These are not surface level conversations. This is not fake and fluff. We got to get serious y'all because mothers, especially mothers of color, especially black mothers in America are dying at three to five times a higher rate during child birth than any other group and child birth is one of the most natural things you can do. So how are you dying during that? It's a very disturbing and concerning phenomenon that this platform is dedicated to serving and to really, you know, coming with the solutions that actually will make the shift and make the change and drop those numbers, right? So there's so much we need to get off into. But I do want to dedicate this episode and I probably will be doing this for every episode moving forward, but I want to dedicate each episode to a mother who lost her life during childbirth. I feel like it's very important that we not blanket them over as a number, but we really acknowledge that this was a whole soul. This was a whole human who in the midst of their lives was carrying the life and somewhere in that there was a disconnect. Where's the disconnect and how can it be reconnected? How can, what is it that we can do so that the disconnect doesn't happen, right? And so out of honor and out of respect because Original Intelligence is this platform and the work that we're doing is dedicated to them and it's dedicated to mothers who will come after them so that they will live and go home with their babies and be an even better version of themselves than they were before they became a mother. That is the goal. That is the mission and the message. So if that's something that you're about, if that's something that you know somebody is about, or if you just want to be a supporter, then you've come to the right place. So thank you very much. So I'm going to share the dedication. After the dedication, we're going to go into some, I like to add art to the situation because I'm an artist, so we'll do some art there. I have a very special poem that I want to share with you guys and then we'll get right off into the topic and the solutions. How does that sound? Hopefully sounds good. All right. So the episode that is this episode is dedicated to Dr. Janelle Green Smith. And if her name sounds familiar, it's because she is the 31-year-old South Carolina certified nurse's midwife and maternal health care advocate who died on January 1st, 2026 after following childbirth complications. And so I'd like to say, take a moment of silence for her. And I want to say thank you to her spirit because at the very kickoff of the new year, she opened up, mama came through. Okay. And she did it in such a mighty way. And we just want to say thank you for your life and thank you for your sacrifice. So on January 1st, 2026, following childbirth complications, following childbirth complications, she was known for her work. Let me back it up. I'm sorry. Because it's something else that I want to add in here, but I think I'm going to add it at the end. So just trying to get through my name. Childbirth complications. She was known for her work in reducing racial disparities in childbirth and maternal mortality. And she developed preeclampsia and suffered a ruptured incision site after a C-section. Now I've had a C-section and I know how important it is to get rest, to be still, not moving all around, doing a whole bunch of stuff. And, you know, just give yourself, your body that time to recuperate. I have heard reports that she didn't allow herself to do that. So that may have caused some type of rupture in her incision, along with high blood pressure. She was suffering from that. And according to her sister, her sister reported to her older sister, Selena Green, reported, told NBC News that Dr. Janelle was nervous about going into childbirth and that this was her, her worst fear has come to pass. So I found that to be quite interesting because for her to be a nurse's midwife delivering babies all the time and for her to be an advocate of maternal mortality, she was, she was afraid. She was nervous. She was scared that she wasn't going to come home with her baby. So that's extremely alarming to me. That's like a brain surgeon who is at the top of their game and, you know, for whatever reason, they now have to get some type of surgery and they're terrified because they're afraid that based off of the system, they're going to pass away. Because I'm quite sure that she had seen some things and experienced some things in her career that just didn't make her feel safe. Like we can have physical limitations. We can have things going on in our body. But if that system and that, that infrastructure is in place, we don't have to suffer. We don't have to be nervous. We don't have to be scared. We don't have to worry about our worst nightmare or worst fear coming to pass. All we have to do is focus on us and making sure we stay healthy, making sure we follow through, making sure we reach the goal because the system that we have around us is pristine and it's supportive and it makes sense. And I've heard a lot of conversation, a lot of conversation over the past several years because for those of you who don't know, I am a certified childbirth doula. I also have given birth six times on my own, cesarean and five natural births. And I'm also a proud grandmother. And I was at my daughter's side, douling her through her childbirth. And so I've had, um, a lot of years on this topic and I've had a lot of different experiences. And one thing I can say is that when you feel supported, you feel safe as a woman, as a mother, as a woman in childbirth. And so I just find it interesting. We'll get more often to this discussion, but I really find it interesting how the conversations that are being had and that have been had, I would say over the past seven or eight years since I've been in the conversation, most of them are focused on the problem and not the solution. And when I say not the solution, I mean practical solutions that mothers need right now. You're in the middle of having a baby, you're in the middle of having a baby, you're in the middle of childbirth, and then you have, you know, families and corporations, which is what a hospital is, fighting and arguing over what should happen to you and your baby and your body. No one is connecting you to the experience as a childbirth, as a birth person is the new term. As the birth person, no one is really taking into account how you feel, where your mindset is, what you want to do. It's very disconnecting the way mothers are experiencing childbirth now, especially in hospitals. It's very, in my opinion, dehumanizing in a lot of ways. But in these conversations, there aren't a lot of solutions that are being given for the mother in real time. You know, what are the breathing techniques she can do? What are some meditations she can do? What are some conversations that her and her loved ones can have? How can she set up her environment for success? You know, what are some things she can do mentally and emotionally, not just physically to prepare for her baby's big day? So there's so many different variables. But again, this platform is to help address that and to offer support in that way. Okay. So we send all of our love and all of our wishes and prayers for peace. We send that to Dr. Janelle Greenspan's family, to her newborn baby, to her husband, to all of her family that is now supporting and loving her baby. We just send you our, I don't want to say condolences, because in her own way, she still lives. But we just send you our love and our peace and our positive prayer. And we just say, thank you, Janelle. Thank you. All right. All right. You may write me down in history with your bitter, twisted lies. You may trod me in the very dirt, but still, like dust, I rise. Does my haughtiness, does my sassiness upset you? Why are you beset with gloom? Because I walk like I've got oil wells pumping in my living room. Just like moons and like suns, with the certainty of time. With the certainty of time. Just like hopes springing high, still I rise. Did you want to see me broken, bowed head and lowered eye? Shoulders falling down like teardrops, weakened by my soulful cry? Does my haughtiness offend you? Don't you take it awful hard, because I laugh like I've got gold mines digging in my own backyard. You may shoot me with your words. You may cut me with your irons. You may kill me with your hatefulness, but still, like air, I rise. I rise. Does my sexiness upset you? Does it come as a surprise that I dance like I've got diamonds at the meeting of my thigh? Out of the huts of history's shame, I rise. Up from a past that's rooted in pain, I rise. I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide, welling and swelling. I bear in the tide, leaving behind nights of terror and fear. I rise into a daybreak that's wondrously clear. I rise, bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave. I am the dream and the hope of the snake. I rise. There I go rising. I rise. I rise. Thank you, thank you, thank you, dear Maya, Mother Maya Angelou. That's one of her most infamous and beloved poems, Still I Rise, and so I want to dedicate that to all the mothers out there and all of the listeners out there. Still rise. You're still rising. If you're on this podcast and you're listening, you're still rising, and that is a beautiful thing. Whatever you do, just keep rising, right? All right. So let's go ahead and jump into today's topic. We're talking about maternal mental health, and is it just a mom problem or is it a deeper problem? Is it a systems problem? So let's start with the facts because truth cuts through a lot of the emotional noise, all right? In the United States, only about 25% of moms report having excellent mental health, a steep decline from years past. So 25% of moms believe that they had excellent mental health, so that means 75% of mothers do not. That's alarming. Meanwhile, as fair or poor mental health has, meanwhile, statistics of poor and and fair or poor mental health have risen sharply over time, okay? So again, 75% of moms, according to this statistic, have not had a favorable mental health experience. Their experience with mental health has not been favorable. Maternal mental health disorders like depression and anxiety during pregnancy and postpartum affect as many as one in five women each year in the United States, yet 75% never get the treatment they need. So that's a lot. That one out of five women is pretty staggering, and they're not getting the treatment that they need either. And I really do, like I said, believe that it's because the treatment itself is not out there. Maternal mental health is not taken seriously at all, other than baby blues. It's not really seen as the problem, okay? So and these are disorders. These are things that moms really need support in. So where's the support? Globally, it's a similar story. So it's about 10% of pregnant women worldwide who experience a mental health disorder. And in low-income countries, rates are even higher. If you really think about it, how many people are actually showing up to take these census for research? How many moms are actually showing up and filling out the questionnaire to become part of the research for the statistic? Not many. And so I would beg to say that that number is much higher than 10%, for sure. And so what are some things that play a part in that, in those numbers? And I mean, when you think about it, but here's the nuance that we're really not paying attention to, and that these stats aren't proof that mothers are failing. These stats are not proof that the mom is the problem. They're proof that the systems around mother, the medical system, the social system, the economic system are failing mothers. Because if you just had a child, and you're expected to have it all together right after giving birth, that's crazy. But I've been in those situations. I would say the first four, excuse me, the first four out of my six pregnancies, I went back to work within eight weeks, and I was breastfeeding. Bills had to be made. Life had to go on. You know, so you're trying to get back to work and breastfeed on your lunch break. No, you're not reporting anything going on with you. You're trying to pay your bill. You're trying to survive. And that's what a lot of these mothers are going to. But they're suffering. And nobody's checking to say, hey, girl, you good? Like, it's a real thing out here. So how do generational conditions or generational conditioning, how does that play into these cycles that we find ourselves in of burnout and overwhelm and exhaustion and just carrying way too much? Like, where have we been conditioned to think that that's okay? So we often talk about breaking cycles, but let's define what we're breaking, right? So many of us grew up in homes where what happened? Well, myself, personally, my mother wasn't around. She passed on when I was three. So I was raised by my father. But I will watch my friend's mother, you know, and their mothers were praised for the self-sacrifice. Moms are taught to push through. Now, as a mother, that definitely was my mantra. I had to learn to get out of that, to push through and taught how to push through stress and rarely shown models of self-care and support. So even this platform and platforms like it, completely new in the realm of motherhood, because to see a mother who takes care of herself, she's automatically considered being selfish. She's taking away from her children. She's a deadbeat mom because she went to get her hair done and got on a pair of nails. It's ridiculous, but this is how people see her, all right, or see us. And so that's generational conditioning. That's not a personal weakness. If a woman wants to go out, she's a mom. She has three children. She wants to go out, get her hair done, get her nails done, do something. It's either seen as who does she think she is, okay? Who she thinks she is, pressure, you know, like she's either taken as she's doing too much or it's taken like, oh, it's a treat for her. Like, oh, that's so nice. She treated yourself to, you know, getting your hair and your nails done. That is so nice. Is it mother's day? Oh, okay. And you know, and that's how people see it. They will literally be like, oh, is it mother's day? Why is your mom, you have kids. Why do you have your nails done and your hair done? Or unless she's married and she has a partner, then it's a little more acceptable. Like, oh, okay. Of course she's looking nice because she has to look good for her partner or her partner is helping her. But what if she's a single mom like myself with five kids and I just like getting my nails done every two weeks? Is that okay? Can I get a lash? Just one lash. And then, you know, maybe a couple braids here and there. Is that all right? Do I have permission to do that now? Like, that is how we're made to feel as moms in this society. It's very conditioned in that way. That mom, you don't self-sacrifice. I mean, that you are the pinnacle of self-sacrifice and that you come last. And if you come first, you're dead beat. Like, okay, interesting. But here's the thing about that. Motherhood was once supported by village structures. So Aboriginal people, we extended family. We had extended family, community rituals, shared caregiving. And these things still exist in some places around the world. And these women are not necessarily stronger inherently. They just have a better support system. And when you have a better support system, you're going to have better outcomes. Whether that's raising your children, raising a business, you know, going through a health challenge, whatever. If you have the support you need, it's not as hard. You know, it actually gets easier. And so I feel like that's what mothers are really needing right now, especially during childbirth. They need adequate support. So today we inherit an expectation that motherhood should feel easy. Or if it doesn't, then the fault lies with the mother. And that simply isn't true. So let's move on to the productivity culture and the busy equals better. Let's talk about it. Let's talk about it. Let's talk about it. Get in here, get in here, get in here. Like MJ saying. Okay, listen here now. The busy equals better myth that has been attached to motherhood. Can we stop it already? Like, I'm throwing in my bed. Let's stop that. You don't have to tell a mom that she's busy or people are so used to seeing mom busy, busy, busy, busy, busy that when she sits down and takes a break, it's strange to them. I remember doing it when my family was younger, when my children were younger. And I would take a break and it would just be like, they will find something to fill that time with. Even my spouse at the time, like he would find something for me to do. It was like, are you okay? Are you sick? No, I just want to lay down in the middle of the day. Is that okay? Or all of my time had to be accounted for. Where did you go? What did you do? Mom, did you give me this? Like it was just too much, way too much. And so to break that pattern, I'll tell you what I did. I decided that if I'm not happy, nobody's going to be happy. How about that? Right? Like everybody's not going to be happy. And then I sit around and try to find a way to make myself happy. That was the system that I had created. And so I decided to change the system. I was already working nearly 60 hours a week at a very, very busy law firm. Um, I was picking up the children, coming home, cooking dinner, doing homework, you know, catching up with hubby. How was your day? Like doing clean in the house, doing all these things. And no one was really checking for me. No one was really like, girl, you good? Like, is there something I can do to help alleviate your load? Because I know that it's a lot. There's just this expectation that this is what motherhood is. This is what moms do. And so with me not being raised by my mother and not really understanding that, I feel like it was to my advantage because it gave me permission to create my motherhood journey the way I wanted to. I didn't have old memories that I had to tear apart or that I had to move away from where I was traumatized by in a way. So I decided whenever, you know, any night when I come home, I'm going to put a sign on my bathroom door after, once I know everything is situated. Dinner is either on the table or we just finished dinner. The children are settled. They're ready for bed. They've already taken their baths. The hubby, he's good. He's situated. I'm going to give myself this time in the bathroom. I'm going to put the sign on the door. I'm going to bring my music, my incense, my bubbles for my bubble bath. I'm going to put a sign on the door. I'm going to lock that door and I'm not going to answer that door. I'm going to give myself a bubble bath and this sacred time just to myself to enjoy me. Like I just had no room for it. I had to designate that room and it wasn't easy. Like, like I said, the expectation is that mom is always available. Mom is always busy. Mama is always, you know, present and here for you no matter what. And I got to see that at real time because even with the sign on the door and even with me explaining to my husband, Hey, I need this time for myself. Do you think you can handle everything on your own while I do this? And then I'm sure it. Yes. Hey, kids, mommy's going to take a bubble bath and just kind of relax. You guys go ahead and play quietly. Okay, mommy, please don't disturb her. Don't come to the door. If he gives you the bathroom, that's the only time. And do you know that it took about two weeks for them to truly and even longer than that, because it still happened periodically, but it took them about two weeks to truly give me my space. And they didn't even give me my space. I had to take it because the first couple of days it was like, mommy, mommy, I need this. Honey, um, how many scoops of sugar am I supposed to? She took my toys and he won't give it to me. I bet you got somebody on the phone. It was constant. It was just like, I felt so disrespected on my boundaries. I've been crossed. Like you guys, I see the sign on the door. Yeah, but you, we needed you. We needed you. So you can't really check out because we need you. And that was just a very eyeopening thing for me. And it really helped me to see how we all are conditioned in our own way to see mothers a certain way. And so for me personally, I, it was not easy, but I just decided not to answer the door. Like if I don't answer the door, y'all not coming in. The only time y'all can disturb my bath is if I allow it. So when the mommy, mommy, I miss you, mommy, please. Hey, can, um, can I talk, uh, asking you something about a bank statement or something? Mommy, I, I, I have my phone and I need a kiss from you. Like whatever it was, I just wouldn't answer. And the knocking sometimes got really loud and I just wouldn't answer and the crying and whining on the outside. And I just wouldn't answer. And it took me, it took me a good, I would say three or four days to not answer. All I wanted to answer that door. I cried the first couple of days to fight the urge to, okay, I'm here. Okay. Yes. Okay. Mommy's here for you. Okay. Okay. Mommy will fix it. Like I, it was some work. It really was, but it's something that's so necessary because we're so conditioned as a culture to misunderstand mama and what she needs and how she needs it. So busy equaling better is a myth that I want you to let go of right now today. Right? Modern society treats productivity like a moral badge. Like the more productive you are, then somehow that makes you a better human than the human that did the person that didn't decide to do that much today. Like the motherhood gets sucked into that when you're already busy from the time you get up to the time you go to sleep. You don't need society adding more pressure, you know, but that seems to be what happens. And so we're told that to be a good mama, you must always be doing, always be producing and always be so efficient. And what this ignores is that motherhood, the relationships that are built in motherhood, the growth that's required, the amount of presence that's required, the healing that is required to be not just a mama, to be a great mama, a good mama, a present mama, an authentic mama. These are the things that you have to address. And so that can't be measured in tasks completed. Like I've been on this healing journey of, of healing myself and bringing myself to my most authentic motherhood since I started. Right? And learning how to be present and growing through the process and learning, knowing how to build relationships with myself and my children. That's been an ongoing process. So this pressure to do more, just create stress, not joy. And the best mamas on the planet, they enjoy it. We enjoy it. Finding the joy in motherhood, super important, but you first have to let go of what's creating the stress and what's bringing in the stress, but a clear room and make room for that joy. So in fact, studies even show that caregivers, especially mothers are at a much higher rate for burnout and depression compared to men for obvious reasons. Right? And in part that's because women and moms, they're carrying disproportionate mental loads of planning, organizing, and emotional labor. So if she has to do all of these different things of, you know, organizing the house and making sure everybody gets to their doctor's appointment and, you know, um, caring about everybody's booboos and they're hurt and, you know, patching everybody up, it's okay to be that way, but who's doing it for her as she's filling up everyone else's cup, who's filling up hers. So again, mama, this isn't a failure. This isn't a tag to you at all. Okay. It's a cultural value that elevates production and productivity over your own wellbeing. And that's a problem. Okay. But that's a system, that's a system, uh, set up that needs to be rearranged and it can be arranged, rearranged in your own self and in your own home and your own family. Like what I explained to you, I did. You can do something similar because the unrealistic maternal standards, social media, and what some experts call intensive mothering set for us is throw them out the window. Like, don't even bother watching those reels and those videos, listening to those, those, um, you know, intensive, intensified mothers, like don't do it. Okay. So here's where that comes from. The expectation, right? This expectation, and I kind of touched on it earlier in the beginning, this expectation of what a mother is and what she should do and what she should be and how she should be and all of these things, how she should dress, how she should talk. Like that's one thing I love about this new generation. They have taken it to another level in terms of breaking that mold and that idea that has been set for us. Like there was a time when as a mother, there was just certain things that you just weren't going to say or do in society because it was just so unbecoming of a mother. And now there's so much more freedom around that. Even when I think about all the celebrities who are single mothers now and who are proud of it and they're parading it around and they're, you know, they're even making money off of it. There was a time not too long ago, I'm talking about like 20 years ago, like right around the corner ago when that was completely unacceptable. You know how many celebrities were not allowed to keep their pregnancy 20 years ago? Like it was completely unheard of to be a celebrity and be a single mother and be on tour and you're pregnant and having two and three kids during an album release and it was just not even a thing, you know. So I do believe that we've come, we've come far. We've made some strides in the ways of breaking the mold and breaking this idea of what mothers and motherhood should be. But when I tell you, I can't get back all the years of trauma and drama that was brought into my life when I first became a newly single mom. Like it was very, very hard for me because of the social conditioning that being a single mother was like the worst thing on the planet. No one cared about your history, about how you got there or why you got there or what happened, why you left, did you leave. It was always assumed that you were left, that you didn't leave and that there must have been something wrong with you and that's why the father left you with the kids. And it's just like, okay, if that's your story, you're sticking to it. I, after a while, got tired of fighting that narrative and I just let it be. But I am very happy now to see how the younger generation is willing to embrace motherhood and single motherhood with no shame. Because that shame and that guilt will take you out if you let it. Okay, that's all I'm going to say about that. So, but these expectations is an invisible force that's shaping how mothers see themselves and that's the part that we have to kind of break. You know, how you see yourself and where you are is where you're supposed to be and it's okay. And so trying to fit this social media idea of these intensify, what experts call intensify mothering, you know, so whether it's Instagram feeds or blog posts, you know, about these perfect routines and we're constantly bombarded with this idealized version of motherhood that makes exhaustion look like failure, that makes a mess and chaos feel unacceptable and that sends the message that suffering is a personal fault. And again, we're not going to do that. If someone is suffering, then that means that whatever system is around them or within them is failing them. Okay, because you can go through things, you can have the chaos, you can have the mess, you can have the exhaustion, right? But when you start personally attacking yourself and everyone else is personally attacking you and saying that it's your fault or you shouldn't have done this or that's what you get or yo, that is not okay. And that will definitely add to any anxiety or depression disorders or anything else that you might be going through. So you have to cut that out and you got to really make sure that you are giving yourself permission to be the mother and be the person that you are choosing to be. Okay, so that is what scholars call intensified mothering. This belief that real mothers should give endlessly, do everything flawlessly and never complain. And it's a cultural standard, not a biological imperative. So don't walk around, please don't walk away thinking. If you are seeking, if you are interested in becoming a mother, if you're pregnant right now, if you're a new mother, please do not walk away with this idea that, you know, you can't complain or you have to do everything just right. You know what I mean? Or that you should just keep giving, giving, giving. Let me give you some of those solutions that we're talking about. Here's another solution. No is a complete sentence. And I know you've heard that before and it sounds cute, but when it's your child and when you are, when you have the heart of a mother, saying no to your child is very hard, especially if it's not something that can necessarily hurt them or, you know, harm them in many ways. It's something they want. You want to say yes. You want to give them the world. You know, I want my children to know that the world is their oyster. And so I say yes to them as much as possible because that's what the universe does. You know, there are boundaries that you have to set, of course, but this idea that you can't say no to your child, you know, that you have to constantly give, you know, there's moms out here who will, they're sitting there, no matter what they put to their mouth, their child, mommy, can I have some money? Can I have some money? Can I have some? My children were like that for a long, they still like that their own way. All right. And so you can say no. And when you say no, I want you to see the word no in your mind when you say it. And then I want you to see you. I want you to see yourself putting a period right there. And then here's the kicker guys. Clocky here's the kicker. I want you to turn around and walk or I want you to stay seated and don't flinch. Keep watching TV. Keep playing with your nails. Keep looking on the phone when you say it. Do not over explain it. No is a complete sentence. Okay. And that can definitely help break down some of those unrealistic standards and unrealistic myths about motherhood. All right. And so let's go into some solutions more deeply. Let's go into more of what's a new framing. Like I really want to frame this newly for you. So when you walk away, you when those thoughts or those comments or things like that come up, I want you to have something as an alternative as a solution as a shifting of that energy. And again, everything is going to start with you and it's going to start with your thinking. But slowly but surely as you begin to plant new seeds of intention and really release and let go and take your attention away from the things that are bringing more stress that are increasing you any type of depression or anxiety you may be feeling or bringing it on the threat of bringing it on. You know, here are some things that you can do in the interim. Now, the first and foremost thing that I must say that actually changes the game forever. Y'all ready for this one? The power of prayer. The power of prayer. And this is not a Christian thing. This is not a religious thing at all. This is your ability to ask for help. And before you go out in the world asking for help, it's very important that you learn to go within. That you learn to be still. That you really take note of where your help comes from. Because it's in there. Your job is a vessel. Your partner is a vessel. Your family is a vessel. The schools is a vessel. You know, whatever community or those are all vessels, but they are not the source. And so I'm not here to preach to you about your higher power, but if you have one, if you do have a higher power, if you do are in touch with, you know, the God within you on any capacity and you really want to bring more peace to your motherhood journey, invite God in the center of it. Invite the most high into your relationship with yourself as a mother and how you're relating to your children. And I'm telling you, that is the game changer. There's other game changers as well, but that one right there won't ever fail you. Okay? And so when you find yourself, let's go over some things here. So I'm just going to offer some things to help reframe the myths and the ideas of fixing yourself and that you're broken. Let's go ahead and get rid of those. And one of the things I definitely want you to remember is when you start to self blame, because that's something that mothers do all the time. We always are blaming ourselves until we learn better. And so in your learning better, you are not going to self blame. There are enough things in this world blaming you. You don't have to be a villain in your own story, unless you want to be. But a lot of us are just used to it. So one of the ways to break the habit, you're going to get a rubber band, you're going to put it on your wrist, okay? It can be your right wrist or your left wrist, doesn't matter. And anytime you catch yourself self blaming, I want you to pop yourself with the rubber band, not hard, just hard enough to catch yourself, to get your attention. And in that moment, when you pop yourself with the rubber band, I want you to immediately shift that thought. So when you find yourself in self blame, you know, oh my goodness, I can't believe I forgot to make that appointment. It was just so much going on and I couldn't remember. I'm so, oh my goodness, I'm so stupid. When you find yourself in those types of conversations spiraling out within your own head, I want you to pop yourself with the rubber band slightly, okay? It's not about self harm. I want you to pop yourself with the rubber band, kind of like shock therapy on a much lower level, okay? Pop yourself with the rubber band, and then I want you to seek support. You're going to be very specific in your intention. You blame yourself for something, pop, okay, where's my support on this? Who can I ask to help me with this? Do I even need to do this? Is there someone else that can do this? Can I delegate this? That is what I want you to do for the next 7, 14, or 21 days, completely up to you. All right? And so, instead of self correction, so let's say you feel like you're walking around with feelings of like, you know, I don't ever get this right, and I got to figure this out. Like, I'm not doing this right. Whenever doing something right is, okay, let's say your children can't ever make their bedtime because you're always behind with making dinner, and you don't get a chance to help them with homework, and so you always feel behind. No matter what you do, you just always feel behind, and you don't know how to correct this deficiency in your schedule. You don't know how to, you know, do better with your time. And so, again, you're going to take that rubber band, you're going to pop yourself when you see yourself spiraling out, and then you're going to change the conversation, and you're going to ask yourself, your specific intention for this time is, what systems can I put in place to help me better with this? What is it that I can do on a systematic level that's going to help support me to get me to my goal? So, if you're running late with dinner, which is what's causing late with baths, which is what's causing late with bedtime, what system changes can you make so that that doesn't happen? Can you, if you have multiple children, can you put them on an alternate schedule so they're not all trying to do everything at once? Can you get the older children to help with the younger children? Like, there's ways in which you can create systems that will help you reach your goal, and so that's what I want you to focus on when you find yourself in that situation. And here's something that's very important. When you find, if you find yourself comparing yourself to another mother, or comparing yourself to the way your sister mothers, or to that celebrity mom, or to comparing your mothering to how your mother did it, or how your grandmother did it, I need you to stop. That's not helping you. That's not who you really are. You're here to be. You are the perfect mother for your children. You are exactly what your children need. That's who you are. Okay? So you don't have to compare yourself to anyone. There is no comparison. You are the perfect mother for your children. I just need you to believe that. They need you to believe that. You don't need fixing. You're not broken. You are the ideal mother for them. They chose you before they even came here. They chose you because they knew that you had what they needed in this lifetime. So before you compare yourself to other moms, I want you to catch the thought, pop the rubber band, and I want your intention to be connection. I want to compare myself to my grandmother. How can I connect with her? How can I learn from her and then incorporate and integrate the things that she's sharing with me into my own motherhood experience? So I can give my children their own unique motherhood experience and my grandchildren their own unique grandmother experience. What are some things that my mother does, or my grandmother does, or my sister does, or my best friend does, or my favorite celebrity does as a mom that I want to learn from or, you know, piggyback off of or make my create my own version of? That's very important. Instead of going in the other direction where you're putting yourself down and you're telling yourself you're not good enough. Mamas aren't broken. They are overburdened and overwhelmed by systems that either undervalue their caregiving. They take advantage of their caregiving. Oh yeah, she can do what she got. She don't need my help or I'm just going to help a little bit but not as needed, right? They're not broken. Mamas are not broken. They are overburdened by systems that ignore collective history and say, oh well, you know, forget what we know a mom needs. This is what we're used to thinking and feeling and being about motherhood so this is what it is. Just not really willing to change, you know. Mamas are not broken. They are overburdened by systems that treat motherhood like a personal problem instead of a social and structural challenge, which is what it really is. It takes a village because it takes a village, not just one person. Mamas do a lot. Mamas do their part. Mamas do great but mama can't stand alone and be successful with raising her children. There has to be an extension of that love, an extension of that support in order for it to really have the impact the way that we need we need it to as a society because here's the thing. When you discard a mother who has children, you're discarding yourself because that child is growing up and when they come of age they're going to do what? Be an adult part of society. Do you want them to be productive? Then it might be a good idea to care about the seed in which that seed, the tree in which that seed comes from. You know, it's important to care about the mental health of the mother, the emotional stability of the mother, the physical capability of the mother so that she can then pour into her children. It's not about oh she has a husband or oh she has a partner, oh she has everything in tech, oh she did it just right, she got married, then she had her kids, she's doing it perfect and if you don't do it that way then you're doomed to struggle, you're cursed for failure. That is not true. What is true is that you already have everything you need to be the mother and to give the motherhood experience that you've always wanted to give to your children or to your child and seeking out the support, creating the support and the infrastructure necessary to do that is well within your reach. That is something that you can do and you can start today. Pull out a piece of paper and write out your new system for yourself. Write out what is it that we are going to do now, how do we move now, what is it that I'm willing to do now. Pick one thing. It doesn't have to be monumentous, you know, you don't have to go and change up your whole life in one day or anything like that but you can take micro steps to getting there because it is a growth process. You know, so when we stop trying to fix mamas as individuals and start building communities, you know, along with these policies and along with these changing the cultural norms that truly support mothers then we don't just heal individuals, we'll actually be able to transform families and generations but for now to leave her as an individual say, oh well she, you know, you have mamas out here who have drug addictions, you know, and they're struggling, where's the support for her? Where's, and not treating her so much like a drug addict but treating her like a mother who is struggling with a drug addiction. That's a totally different concept than she's a drug addict who's pregnant. Come on now. That's, that creates a whole other storyline, you see. So I really just want to thank you guys so much for rocking out with me today. If you're thinking something's wrong with me, if that thought even crosses your mind even a little bit, I want you to hear this and I want you to hear this good. There is nothing wrong with you. Nothing. Something is wrong with the expectations placed on you, okay? You are not broken. I'm going to say this phrase a million and one times, you probably aren't going to like it. I'm going to keep reiterating this fact because I really want it to permeate your permeate your mind. Write it down. Put it up on your mirror. You are not broken. You are not broken. You are under supported and once we name that, then the healing becomes possible. But as long as you're pointing the finger at everyone else, we're pointing the finger at each other and we're pointing the finger back at ourselves instead of really addressing the issue at hand, that mothers aren't broken. They're not bad or foolish or failures. They have no systems set up that truly support them and not just with the outcome of the baby made it, okay? The baby came out. The baby lived. That is important. We're not going to negate that, okay? But what I am saying is that there is more to the story than just that. That is an outcome that we want to reach but there are so many layers to get to that outcome. It's not a one and done. It's not A equals B equals C. That's not it. And so when we start expanding our concept, our mindset, when we start really being willing to think outside of the barbaric box that we have been put in, when we really are able and willing to tell the truth, to be open and honest about the whole story of motherhood and what it really requires, that it's not just about on her. It shouldn't just be on her. That motherhood is one step in a whole generational process. When we get to back to those principles and those truths, then we're cooking with hot grease, y'all. Then we're cooking with hot grease and things can really take shape and really start to change, you know? So I just want you to remember that. And if this episode resonated with you in any way, I want you to hear me clearly. Listen up. We talked about a lot today. We've covered a lot in this episode and I'm so, so grateful and I pray that something that was shared will definitely bring about the elevated shift in you or in a person that you know. This is insight alone won't change your nervous system because a lot of what we're talking about is a nervous system issue. Mothers being able to truly know how to regulate their nervous system. We haven't been taught that, right? But insight into that alone won't change your nervous system and awareness alone won't undo generational conditioning, okay? You don't heal motherhood wounds by thinking harder or doing more work. This is real soul work. And so you heal through support, integration, and embodied unlearning. So being willing to bring your whole self to the experience of unlearning so that you can then learn yourself in a new way. Very important. So that's why I created Mama Energy Reset. Not to fix you, but to help you release what was never yours to carry. So if you're done doing this alone and if you're ready to unlearn instead of self-correct, if you want grounded spiritual practical support from someone who understands motherhood from a lived experience, you go ahead and you click that link in the description box below and let's start with the reset. Choose support and let's stop trying to fix ourselves and just be ourselves, okay? I really appreciate you guys so much for being here, for listening. And if this episode spoke to you, share it with the mother who needs to hear this message. Please remember, we are reimagining motherhood together, one truth at a time. So thank you for joining Original Intelligence Podcast. I am your host at Peace Oye and until next time, take care of you. Take care of who? Take care of you. Peace. You're a psycho butterfly.