Jaco to the Dean's Office

But when told to go get a llama and bring him for x-ray, you don't ride the llama to x-ray. And taking a broom and driving this thing to x-ray and riding a blue llama. Back to the Dean's office. Before warranty, this may not be safe for your work. This episode, like all episodes, will contain explicit language about the happy, the sad, and the downright disgusting. Where our fingers have been and where our minds are willing to go. You just found two veterinarians walking into a bar. In this episode, my friend and classmate, Paul Jaco, deals with his demons and describes all the different ways you can find to get sent to the Dean's office. Paul Jaco. There you go. How are you this evening? How's everything in Florida? Everything's great. Really good now that you're here. Well, thank you. I'm doing well. Everything's going our way as far as I know. So let's catch up because it's been a minute and we talked a little bit. So you graduated when I did. Yeah, I did. And I think we graduated together. And then you worked for a guy. You copied off me. Yeah, what were you saying? I did. I copied off you the whole time. It's true. Where were you doing the board exam? I couldn't find you. Somebody smarter. Hey, you would have probably passed if you. Yeah. I want to hear the story. You had a story about the neurologist. OK, so so the neurologist. Resident. There was a resident there. There were four. There were four on the rotation. So there were four students in this surgery and it was a back surgery on the docs and lateral adenoma. And as you remember, there was a viewing glass outside of the surgery where people taking tours could view a surgery being performed. Yeah, without being in the surgery suite, without being in the surgery suite. And I was standing at the surgery table doing nothing. Watching, just observing this surgery on the back. The resident was across the table from me, having access to view the window and who was looking in the window, which happened to be Dr. Simpson, the neurologist. Simpson was standing behind me then looking over my shoulder. And we got to cutting up about bet you won't moon him. Well, it was either a five or a ten dollar bill involved. And I don't remember which, but but it's just the God's honest truth. There was money involved. He did bet me that I wouldn't do it. Well, if you were not scrubbed in, I'm assuming you were just wearing your scrubs off away from the table. Correct. So I pull the ripcord, the pants go down and I act like nothing. I'm just standing there. It was sometime later. It may have been a month later. I was on a different rotation anyway. When I had learned that there was now a council meeting of the. OK, well, anyway, so they made up this council that we're going to review what to do with me. Simpson had filed a complaint with the dean and and the there was a group also. I forgot how many students that were also on this review board as to what we're going to do. Was there was a. So. So I thought, hey, this has gotten out of hand. I went to the neurology resident. I said, hey, I think you got to tear this up. I said, you might tell him that there was a wager on that. He said, I don't know what you're talking about. And he left me in strife. And he left me in strife. But he cowardly. And so I never told. You're the only one I've told that to. I never did tell the council. Auburn instructors that were reviewing me. Yeah. That, hey, he said that or he bet me. You didn't. You just said I just did it on my own. Yes, because it was it sounded terrible to this minute. I think that sounds terrible. I think that it's. Well, I wouldn't have except he pushed me into. It sounds real chicken shit of me to say that. But so I've just held it. It's fine. I did take heat for it. I had to go over to the dean. I was supposed to have lost my Christmas vacation over by the way. And milk cows for that three weeks or whatever it was that we were off. As far as the dean knows, I was there those two weeks. But regardless, that coward didn't. He didn't follow that up at all. He just he didn't go for it. Well, the truth is, I did it. I was responsible. I took responsibility for it. And I didn't write out anybody. I didn't say, well, that was your ass. It was my, you know, it's what Daniel Knox told Dr. Simpson said. I think Jacob's got balls of steel. And he said, well, I just put a dent in them. That's fine. Yeah. It's put a dent in. I have nothing against him either. You know, that was rude to me to do that. It was a stupid prank. And that's all it was, though. It was just a stupid prank. It's nothing more than that. Yeah. You know, I think that's probably the same neurology resident where, you know, I did that flippy thing with the I'm quite sure it's the same guy where you flip the scissors back in your hand and wait for him to need to cut. And you flip them forward into your fingers and snip. And he looked and he said, don't do that. Looked up from the wound that he was suturing up. Don't do that. You're not good enough to do that. Yeah. The same jerk. And the same guy that same surgery, hemilaminectomy surgery, pulled the thing up and looked at me and said, you know what that is? That's the sound of money. Yeah. And I'm thinking to myself, like, motherfucker, you didn't just go into the market on, you know, silver. And you're not doing a billion-dollar arbitrage deal in gold or yen versus American because the Bank of Japan, like, you're just veterinarian. You know, Dr. Riddell made me sit in a pink chair, in a pink lounge chair in the dairy because I had taken a calf. Why? Well, it was a dumb thing I did, but you take a calf by the nose. You bring his nose and then grab him by the pole. And if you can, you know, that's a three or four-day-old calf. Hang on, yeah, yeah. So you put your fingers to hold onto him as a handle. You put fingers through his nostrils. Yeah. And then at the top of his head, this is how you can kind of control him, right? Yes. And I roll him over on his side. I just twist his neck enough to where he rolls over on his side. Well, the problem that I did there, instead of pulling with my fingers, I pushed with my thumb. Okay. Though he was young, he snapped that thumb out of its socket. Ow. I'm going to draw him away for a minute. Ow. Well, it did hurt. Yeah. And anyway, Dr. Riddell did not think that it could have possibly hurt as badly as I had. You know, I was going on with it. Oh. Holding it up. I was really putting on a big show. Yeah. He wouldn't let me milk. He said, no. He said, honestly, the guy will hurt himself. And he's down. We've got a man down. And he'd come in 4 o'clock in the morning, dairy rotation with a pink lounge chair, and he made me sit in it while everybody did work. No, no. Really, you sit there. You stay right there. I don't want you to move. You're going to get hurt. That's too funny. Do you know, this one, we can't put this on here, but when we were in our fourth year and we were on oncology, Hinky was in our rotation. And I don't remember the other two people that were there, but we were sitting in oncology doing soaps. And in came a sociology student from the main campus, probably a 19-year-old girl, something like that. I don't know what she was. But anyway, a young girl. And she was doing a study on the mental stress that it takes to be around, to euthanize animals, to have animals euthanized. It was about euthanasia and mental anguish. She wanted to interview us. There were four of us sitting there. She spoke with each one of us about it, and I was the last one she come to. And we had just got, remember when we were maybe sophomores and they had gone through humane euthanasia, and one of them was blunt force trauma to the head so that you could use, the point of that being that they could use a captive bolt for euthanasia of beef cattle and hogs and whatever else. And also it was a kosher kill. Kosher kill was deemed humane euthanasia. These things are not. Quick and humane. The idea was quick and humane. Quick and humane. Known as humane euthanasia. These are things that are surprising to John Q. Public, and it is not something that you and I have to do. We don't have to do blunt force trauma to the head to euthanize an animal. But anyway, these are things that you just study and learn and understand. You have to be aware of. You have to be aware of. You have to learn a lot of things. Well, as you can imagine, this 19-year-old girl is not aware of any of these things. And so, knowing that, I said, well, she had asked Hinky, you know, and he said, well, you know, I was a kid. We euthanized a puppy and it hurt. And we just sort of got over it. We just had to get over it. And she told me, I said, I can't. There are some things I just can't get over. I said, I had a litter of puppies. And I came home from school, vet school, and I carry everything, Parvo and the stamper and everything on me because I've been up here all day. I love these puppies. And I got home one day, and I got home one day, and they had all broke with diarrhea, and it was Parvo. Now, I don't have a job. I don't have any money. There's no way I can afford all these Parvo puppies. So, I got to thinking about things we had learned. And I thought, you know, the right thing to do is to kill them, to put them out of their misery. And there was a big crescent wrench, and it was laying there. And I thought, well, they say that is humane to blunt force trauma to the head. So, I picked up that crescent wrench. I just couldn't watch. There's no way that I could watch this happen. So, I just started wailing. Yeah, right. And just screaming, and the blood, and it's just. And there were seven of them. I had to do this over and over. And about the time I'd get done, one of them would whimper or wiggle. I just had to start over. So, I look at Hankey. I look at Hankey, and he's crying. Because he knew that you're bullshitting. Yeah, he don't want to laugh. He knows this girl's jaw is on the ground. Her life is ruined. How terrible. Hey, back to the dean's office. Back to the dean's office. She gets back to main campus, and the dean gets a call. What in the. Yeah, so. This kid is ruined, you know. She's not in sociology anymore. She's in therapy. Telling that, and looking at Hankey. He held it. Hankey, all of him held it. To his credit. To his credit. He did hold it together. The girl never lived. She remembers that to this minute probably, but anyway. Yeah, back to the dean's office. You know, I asked when we were in pathology, if we could get one of those out of the cooler. One of those little dogs, and put a leash around it. Remember, the dean drove a little minivan. If we could put a leash on that dog, and put the handle of the leash on his rear bumper. On a dead dog from the freezer? Yeah, and you put a lead on the dog, and then you tie it to the bumper, and it's got College of Veterinary Medicine written all over his minivan, and here he's dragging a dog down. I think it was Pew that said so. You wouldn't have actually done that. Just for the record, you wouldn't have actually done that. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Just a joke to do it. Anyway, they were just saying, you know, that wood sends you back home. You just wanted to test, just like we were saying about humor, you don't know where the lion is until you put it to work. Well, yeah, and I wasn't going to do any of that stuff. It was just talk. I wasn't going to do that. No, I know, I know. But it was just funny thinking, you know, that way through. Getting a slingshot after the pigeons in the dairy barn. Dairy and beef barns, you know, the silos for the dairy, they always had pigeons. Pigeons shit everywhere. Oh, yeah. I built a little flip, you know, a little slingshot and brought marbles. Yeah. You remember the rafters were steel. Once you sat in the roof tent under the awning out there in front of the pharmacy. Remember that whole walkway? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Another trip to the dean, by the way. Because you were shooting pigeons? No, I had permission to do that. I forgot who gave me permission to kill the pigeons. Never did hit one. But when you sail that marble up there in the tent with all those steel rafters, it pings around for everybody. You know, it causes total chaos. But when told to go get a llama and bring him for x-ray, you don't ride the llama to x-ray. He's there because he's broken. And taking a broom and driving this thing to x-ray and riding a blue llama, a big gray blue. You rode the llama into the x-ray. Where were they x-raying it? I don't know. I guess it was crippled. I don't know. But it wasn't a good idea. No. Remember Ho Chi Lin? Remember the lady that was anesthesiologist, a sweet lady? Oh, yeah, yeah. Po-po-po. Po-po-po. She was the sweetest lady. She was such a kind lady from Taiwan. Yeah. And her name was something. Ho Chi Lin. It was very close to Ho Chi Minh, the dictator of North Vietnam, you know? Yeah, yeah. But anyway, I accused her of having a drinking problem. She said, why? You're always yellow. And maybe you're jaundiced. She said, no, I'm just Asian. She's Vietnamese, right? Yeah. She comes in the beef barn on Two Wheels one Sunday. All the big boys in the car. All the big boys. Where are we going? Just get in the car. She had had a water leak. She's driving the car? Yeah. Okay, yeah. Go ahead. She had had a water leak. And on Sunday decided she was going to fix it. And she broke a water line. There was water running everywhere in the house. At her house? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. What a pleasant lady. A very, very sweet woman. Dr. Lynn. Yeah. Very knowledgeable. Very sweet. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my favorite, Paul Jacobs. I don't remember why. I don't know why I know this one. But I think the first time, it was like in our first week of school. And you were prematurely handsome with your hairline. Yeah. Yeah, you were ahead of your time. And we couldn't tell how old you were. No. And, I mean, you could have passed for older at that time. And so, you know, how old were you in vet school or freshman year? I started when I was 26. 26, but you easily could have passed for 36. Yeah, I was. A little bit. Yeah, even in high school, I was the guy that bought the beard. Yeah, got it. But not 46 or 56 or 66. So, but older. And so, when you stood up, and when they were talking about parasitology, and you spoke up, you put your hand up in class, you said, you know, when I was in NOM, and you went on about some parasites, tedious, whatever the hell that parasite was, and the rest of you looked around, how old is this motherfucker? I will never, ever forget that. When I was in NOM. We were like, there's no way this guy was in Hanoi. Hanoi Hanna or whatever, Hanoi Hilton. My God, what the? And because I started doing math. Like, he's, no, there's no way he was old enough. Huh? Yeah. So funny. No. And I know you. You played that up. You intentionally made that joke. But then we didn't know you. Well, yeah. I tell people I bought V. I had it shipped in for Christmas. I had more fun with that Christmas gift. It's just the gift that keeps on giving. It's the best thing. Keeps on giving. Yeah. Christmas. Did she go to your high school? No, she went to Murray State. That's how you met her. Yeah, I met her in Murray State. She's been good. I mean, you can't, she's been great for me. Yeah. And sometimes that's the difference. You don't want a good woman by your side who waits you out. Thank you for listening to two vets walk into a bar. I'm Alex Emerson.