cover of The control/surrender scenario
The control/surrender scenario

The control/surrender scenario


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The speaker reflects on the concepts of control and surrender in their life experiences. They discuss how surrender led them to transformative experiences but struggled to maintain it over time. They also touch on their ability to guide others and their need for control in certain situations. They acknowledge their past struggles with power and control in relationships and the importance of boundaries. The speaker highlights their need for control in their personal space and the challenges they face when things don't go as planned. They share an example of accepting a faulty cable rather than trying to control or fix it. I just got woken up from a night that I haven't slept very well in because I needed a pee urgently and I suddenly feel like I've got more to add to the control, surrender, exploration and I think it's good. It's a good subject to look more detail into because we've both identified aspects of our character that deal with this. I know, when I, after the, my little sojourn into criminality, which you could say was a real intention, a real sense of control, I went through a powerful experience of surrender and that started, it was almost like I was forced into it by what took place at the end and the experience I had which set me on a path that, where I would end up in Israel and then India which would never have happened otherwise and I had, I was so affected by the realisation of what was actually going on and my desire to understand and really connect to it and explore it, led me to have those experiences in a state of surrender, in a state of almost complete surrender, it wasn't complete, there were elements, I was still making choices, still choosing, still doing, no question, but the vast balance of control, surrender, shifted into surrender and there was an amazing feeling of being able to let go and let God and I didn't want to do it any other way, that no other way was possible because nothing else made any sense other than that and then what began to happen, the people I met, the experiences I had, all seemed to fall into place in a way that confirmed the rightness of all of it and yet, slowly but surely, as time went on and after those experiences, again I got involved with other humans, the ability to maintain that state of surrender disappeared and there was a period when I desperately wanted to get it back, to let God do what God had done, it felt like mother, not father, it was also clear in the path and where I ended up in India, it was mother, not father, father is the law, the knowledge, the detail, mother is the heart, the love, the compassion, but I couldn't surrender anymore, I didn't know how, it wasn't possible, I suppose, yes, there are aspects of surrender, I seem able to be able to, if I'm careful, to recognise when I need to, when it's important that I do, something has happened, it doesn't matter what I do about it, it still happened and accepting that is a kind of surrender to what is, and in that state of being, I can go forward so that my intention or will or control seems to come from a better place as a result, but it comes anyway, being in control, taking control, but attempting to do it in a balanced way, caring about, considering, compassionate towards others, yet still doing what makes sense to me without interfering with what makes sense to them, not stepping on anyone, stepping on top of them, hurting them, intentionally or otherwise, just because I can get where I want to go more easily if I step on top as I go, no, that's not it, um, and where I am now feels more meek, I don't impose myself on others, I don't even get involved with others, I don't tell others, my story is kept inside, I don't show my, in inverted commas, knowledge or experience, I still feel like I know things sometimes, um, I get opportunities to guide Eliza, for example, who, while is very intelligent, she has no worldly experience, really, she isn't street-smart or book-learned or academic, but yet, there's something I recognise in her that allows me to answer any question she puts to me, honestly, just like I used to do with my daughter, and in a way that isn't patronising, but she can understand, and she shows that she can understand if she's being spoken to by someone she trusts or loves, and is willing to hear in a way that she isn't always able to, or willing to, from others. I like that, I feel, um, that my knowledge, wisdom, experience, whatever you want to call it, is being used appropriately. But it isn't really, I don't use it amongst fellow humans of similar peer, or who haven't had education, and, or say things that are not necessarily right, or I wouldn't agree with, I don't have to get involved, put them straight, I can just be aware of it, recognise the difference, and allow it to be as it is. Um, so there's an element of surrender, of self, of personality, of character, I've talked about this, while at the same time, that is also an element of control, because I'm choosing to do that, and I know I'm doing that, and I actually feel comfortable doing that, I don't have to assert. Well, the downside can be that there are times when I sort of, um, let others barge in, or barge in front, or take control, because they're in that state, they're going through that, and I don't have to egotistically battle them in that moment. That was what was shown to me in the room in London, when I first encountered the man I would then call Petty Tyrant. Clash of ego, I could feel my ego rise as I knew I had to battle him in that moment, and then a second later feel it dissipate when I realised I wasn't going to be able to. And if my ego wasn't battling, then it was diminishing, which is what it needed to do. Some say the ego can be spiritualised, so there is powerful intention, but it comes with a powerful righteousness behind it as well. I understand that, I think that's true, and I have experienced those things, but I'm not whole enough for that. That there's an aspect of my character personality which perhaps is, and I don't like using labels, so it could be the autistic aspect, or perhaps a sociopathic aspect, aspects within my character that can lead me in a selfish direction. That is what I call the corruption that came into being in my original attempt at family with my daughter and partner. I got corrupted by the power, in inverted commas, I had over her, over them, and realising, especially with my daughter, as she got older and could take, I wanted her to come into her own power, and I had to back off from mine so that she could. I wasn't really able to back off from my partner to the extent that she would need me to. I did, as a result, but it wasn't sufficient, it wasn't balanced. I got to experience the other side of the coin with my recent partner, who overwhelmed me with her control, and I almost had no way to deal with her, and became a victim as a result, kind of experiencing what I think my first partner may have experienced as a result of my control. I got to experience the other side of the coin, and that put me in my place, it put me down, essentially. So that when I left that and went back into the world of my mother, my mother's family, my mother's life situation, I could just about surrender to her situation to do for her what I needed to do, but couldn't cope with my ego's need to control certain things that I now couldn't, and did my best to create a bubble around myself to feel comfortable to some degree, but that created separation and isolation, and again, this problem arose in the control-surrender scenario. It's taken a long time to get to a place where I am right now, in this van, which just supports me and gives me space to do things like this, to spontaneously get up and start talking to my friend about a subject that I think is really important for us to look at because of the clear, delineated ideas. You've explored it, you've recognised and shared things that you can see, and that makes me feel like this is something for us to get into, to the depth that we are able to, to see what may be found in doing so. I haven't slept very well, um, I'm short a few hours at least, not comfortable, not sure why, it's not super cold, I am warm in the bed, and yet not comfortable. It's not that I had ideas or thoughts of I need to speak, and it was only as I'm standing having a pee, that the first line that I started this recording with circulated around my head, and I sort of had to hold it, I wasn't ready, I was still peeing, I still had to do all that, there was no rush, but I knew that I couldn't go back to bed, I knew that I would sit here and start talking. It was one of those, and when I have one of those feelings that does that, that tells me the importance for both of us, or for me, I suppose it's wrong to assume it's important for you, but at least the feeling for me to speak, because it was important that I do so. I might learn something about myself in the process, and reflecting, sharing it with you, brings back something that encourages more thought, which can only be good, and as I said before, that's what makes this interaction important, being able to do that with someone who will actually reflect an honest depth to her. So in my van, in my little world, in my little metal bubble, I am in control, I have it exactly how I want it, and it is how I leave it, and when I return it is exactly as I'd left it, which has also been important for me my whole life, that my things aren't touched or moved or borrowed or used, that the space I'm living in isn't a shared space where other people are entitled to use it in a way that leaves it feeling like it has been invaded. A shared kitchen or bathroom, did that constantly. I sleep, I come and go, I watch things, I eat, I live the way that feels right for me, it's still a process, but I am in control. But then when certain things happen, I am tested. Do I have to assert control over it, do I have to do something about it, or can I accept it and let it go? My cable, cheap cable that came with my little nightlight had been causing me a problem for several months. When I plugged it in to charge it up, it's only a little thing, it wouldn't always charge, I had to fiddle it and diddle with it, and I realised the wire, the USB end was probably broken in there, and I wasn't sure what to do. So I accepted the fact that there'll come a point where I won't be able to charge this anymore, I'll have to get rid of it, and I thought that point was reached a couple of days ago. The cable is what they call a proprietary cable, so I couldn't replace it, there wasn't another cable I could use instead. The fact that that cable was not working, a cheap 20 pence thing essentially, I couldn't use the whole light anymore. So I threw the cable in the bin. The light was still there, it still had charge in it. I don't like to throw things away, I've got a spare lamp, I could just have started using that, but I don't like to dispose of things, I like to repurpose, I like to reuse, I like to fix if I can, if it's within my ability, but I don't always know how to do things, nor do I have the right idea. Well suddenly I realised, well, I've got this old, this little thin cable over here, with a USB plug on, and the wrong connector on the other end, which I never use, maybe I can splice them together, if I cut the bit that's not working off one, and cut the end off the other, and I suddenly thought, I can do this. I took it all to the library where it would be warm and very bright, and very easily, did it. Connected it back to the lamp, immediately it started charging, I knew that I had solved the problem. Wrapped it in tape so that it was all nice and secure, wouldn't come apart, and now I've got a black and white cable that's a little longer than it was before, that makes that lamp absolutely workable again without any issue. Partly, that was surrender, the cable was in the bin, there was nothing more I could do, partly that was control, intention, make it work, find a way, the idea just popped into my head, well why don't you splice two together, see if you can match the cables up, they only had two cables inside each, it turned out, one positive, one negative, the colours of the cables were different, but one of them was the same, which I assumed must be the same for the other one, and it just worked. Seems like a simple solution, but it took me months to realise that that would be the answer, I wasn't exactly finding the answer, because each time I would wiggle it, and move it, and bend it, and I would eventually find a position where when I plugged it into the memory bank, to the power bank, it worked. And as long as I could still make it work, I didn't have to find another idea, a better solution, at first, the solution would be replace it, have another, so I did actually find another, which has turned out to be perfect for the lamp, for the room, for the van itself, it's very subdued, very warm, but it lights it enough at night, and I need it to be very subdued, and it's perfect as a room lamp. So it actually had its place, even if it wasn't to be a replacement for the reading lamp. So when I look at it, as I'm looking at it now, there's an element of each of those paths, surrender and intention. I'm not sure I could have done that process without either of them, if it's just, I have to fix this, why is this not working on, I've had that, I've had a bit of that along the way, a cable that couldn't be replaced without replacing the whole lamp, is ridiculous. And yet, there was an easy solution, waiting for me to find, coming out of the space of acceptance, that this is how it is. This is how it is, cable doesn't work anymore, I can't charge it up, I can't replace the cable, I don't want to throw the light away, but I can throw the cable away, because now it has shown itself to be of no use anymore. And I took it out, fortunately I was able to take it out of my bag bin, it wasn't covered in crap by the time I had this realisation, and I knew I was going to take all the bits, including the lamp, and my multi-tool, into the library, and the library was going to be my workshop today, instead of my office. And it didn't take long to achieve the result, and then I sat at the library doing my usual things, watching the lamp charge, realising that once I put the tape on it, once I got back and taped it all up and secured it, I would have the solution, I wouldn't have to think about it anymore, no more wiggling and jiggling, it would just work when I plugged it in to charge it up. That, I think, is what comes out of a balance of the two. So, I can't tell anyone, oh, you must surrender, no, it's something that has to be felt inside. The practice to get there is accepting what is. If it is broken, there's nothing you can do about it. To be affected because it's usurped your control over having control over what it does and what will happen, etc., or just simply throw money at the situation and buy another one, can solve the problem, but there's no element of surrender. That seems to be an important aspect of the way that we live a balanced life. You say that you are the reed that doesn't want to bend in the wind, you are resistant, you are easy, quick to anger, because if things don't go your way, then it's going to produce anger, because they have to go your way. And I know the anger feeling. It doesn't last very long. Sometimes I, well, yeah, maybe I give three seconds to it before I catch myself and realise that, does it make any difference? In fact, if anything, it doesn't help. It puts me into a state where I can't think straight. In order to actually find good solutions, I have to be in a good state of being. And then if I'm lucky, I remember the circumstances don't matter. Only my state of being does. So don't let what's happening affect me. Keep my state of being. Trust that from there, I will be able to go forward in a better way. Maybe a way that I haven't even imagined. I haven't even thought of yet. And it seems like that thought that allowed me to splice the two together only came when it was actually needed. It wasn't needed until I had completely recognised that it was failing in a way I couldn't simply jiggle and jaggle, and had also accepted it. The moment it went in the bin, it somehow didn't stop. It didn't cease to be anymore. Like, not only did I put the table in the bin, but I threw the lamp in the bin. That would have been giving up, right, I'll use what I have. I'll get another one. I'm in a position to make those kind of choices. But actually, the reading lamp is just right for me. And since it returned to life, and I had already covered the lighting element in an extra warm colour orangey gel, I put another one on for some reason. And that second one now makes it even nicer to read in the middle of the night than it was before. Why I didn't put it on before, I can't say. But it seemed to happen as a result of the shift that took place in the process that allowed me to have that lamp continue to be my reading lamp. And I like that.

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